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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Men Who Are Friends With Their Ex-Wives Make Me Nervous

Posted by on Jan. 13, 2014 at 9:31 AM
  • 17 Replies

Men Who Are Friends With Their Ex-Wives Make Me Nervous

by Kiri Blakeley

Some years ago, I found myself once again single and trying to find guys to date. Ugh, just put a hot poker in my eye. I'm sure there are plenty of good men out there, but absolutely none of them were on the dating site I selected to start my dating journey. Well, except one guy. Let's call him Jim. Jim was cute, witty, gainfully employed, and had 2-year-old daughter. He was also divorced. Which would explain why he was on a dating site. But there was just one problem -- he was still very amicable pals with his ex-wife.

He seemed eager to assure me that his wife, whom he'd divorced a year ago, was a cool woman and they still got along well. No doubt he didn't want me to think that I'd get mired in some kind of bitter divorce muck. And I totally appreciated it.

But the more he assured me about their fabulous relationship, the more doubts began to sprout in my mind. Don't get me wrong. I wasn't nervous about their relationship. I didn't worry that he was still in love, or that she was, or that they'd get back together -- they had just sold their home and that seemed like a lot of trouble to go through if they still wanted to work it out -- but I began to wonder why they didn't work it out.

Especially since they'd just had a child. If they still got along, still cared about each other, and both loved their kid -- why not plow through whatever rough patch they hit?

I began to wonder, frankly, if they'd just gotten divorced out of boredom, or maybe because the baby had put a crimp in their sex life. Which made me wonder if this guy was the type who was gonna flee when the going got a little tough.

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Of course, there's no way I could know everything. And he could have been concealing some vital information since we were still early days. Maybe she had an affair. Maybe she was a drug addict. Who knows.

I never asked the reasons for his divorce, I felt it was too early for that, but he volunteered that at some point he felt like he was living with a "friend" instead of a lover.

Doesn't everyone feel like that eventually? Especially after a baby, when everyone is tired and overwhelmed?

I just felt like if they still liked each other, there was a chance, and with a young kid, they should have tried harder.

As it turned out, I didn't have to worry about his character or his ability to stick things out because we quickly decided he lived too far away from me to make a relationship work.

But I was a bit relieved. Because a man who still cares so much for his ex -- but not enough to stay in his marriage and raise their child together -- is a man that makes me a bit nervous.

Do you think if you still like your spouse but aren't passionate about him or her anymore you should try to make it work if there are kids involved?

Is your husband friends with his ex?

by on Jan. 13, 2014 at 9:31 AM
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Replies (1-10):
mopargurl
by Manna on Jan. 13, 2014 at 9:40 AM
1 mom liked this
My ex husband is one of my best friends now, but it wasn't always this way. We divorced when our dd was 2, he had a lot of issues mostly because we were very young. We went thru a hating each other phase, for years! We kept it cool on front of our dd, but I know she picked up on it sometimes. We got thru that and now 13 1/2yrs later, I'm the one he calls in a crisis, and I call him when I need another male perspective or just someone to chat to. My husband and him get along pretty well. We do holidays and birthdays all together as one big family. I have 2 other kids with dh and exh has another dd, and all 4 of our kids are siblings. We watch each other's kids, we do family things all together like parks and such.
Like I said, it wasn't always this way, but we all prefer it to the hatred years. His gf and I are friends too. It works really well for the kids, which is most important.
BonitaM
by Ruby Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 9:43 AM

If I still liked DH, he remained a good husband and father but we weren't passionate anymore I would definitely try my best to rekindle that.  I could not see myself ever falling out of love with him but if it didn't happen I can't see myself leaving him either.  He's my best friend and I doubt I could find a better match for me anywhere else.  He isn't friends with any of his ex-girlfriends (I'm his only marriage) but I would be a little worried if he was.  I don't understand how someone can be friends with someone who you onced knocked boots with and not want that again at some point. I know if I divorced DH I couldn't be his friend. 

withsecond
by on Jan. 13, 2014 at 10:51 AM

My husband isn't but they don't have kids together. If they had kids, I'm sure they would be friends. I'd have no problems with that. 


furbabymum
by Gold Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 10:55 AM

 This would be a red flag to me as well.

AtiFreeFalls
by Bronze Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 11:07 AM

 My relationship with my husband is about 98% friendship.  It took me a long time to get through that.  Human sexuality is a spectrum and he leans heavily toward the "asexual" end of the spectrum.  I definitely do not.  We have struggled with that for 9 of the 10 years we've been together, and it has not been easy on me.  I love him as a friend, the father of my children AND as a lover.  He loves me the same way, but sex is a very, very tiny part of that for him.  It used to eat away at my self esteem, and would have caused horrible fights had we not had such great communication. 

I know what it is like to live with a spouse with whom there isn't much of a romantic spark.  Well... there has always been a spark on my end, not so much on his lol.  I can tell you that a marriage can still be happy and successful.  Friendship SHOULD be the foundation of the marriage.  If its not, when sex wanes as it inevitably does, it falls apart. 

Its not easy to find a balance when you have two completely different ideas of what your marriage should look like, but when you're compatible in every other way it seems silly to give up a good thing so you can get laid more.

My husband has one ex girlfriend from high school, and they only dated for, like, a month.  And she brought her boyfriend on their date to their prom.  So... no, they are not friends lol.

Fields456
by Silver Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 11:11 AM
I'm good friends with my exh. It wasn't always that way even though when we agreed on the divorce it started out that way. It's better for our daughter that we get along I even get along with his wife and he gets along with my husband. Some ppl are just better not married
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gowings42
by on Jan. 13, 2014 at 11:30 AM

My DH is friends with his ex wife.  She is a very nice lady and their divorce was civil and mutual.  They have a long history, and I am completely fine with them being friends.  DH and I are expecting our first baby in Apri.  Neither of us has any other children.

pixieofchaos
by New Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 12:05 PM

Ehh my ex and I were friends for a span, everyone got a long, no issues. Then he started dating his current wife and she hated me off the bat. We cant even speak to each other anymore and it is all because of her being insecure and starting fights about little things that drove it to this. 

my4kids274
by Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 1:17 PM

My Mom and Dad and stepfather are all friends.  My Dad joins my Mom and Stepdad for holidays and family get togethers.  There is no love left between my Mom and Dad.  Believe me. 


AlannaMaria
by on Jan. 13, 2014 at 1:57 PM
Thankfully my DH has no ex he had children with. I have a child with my ex ( we were never married) we live in different states and we aren't " friends" we are civil with each other. He isn't someone I could be friends with..
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