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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Should Divorced Women Only Date Divorced Men?

Posted by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 9:17 AM
  • 11 Replies

Should Divorced Women Only Date Divorced Men?

by Jenny Erikson

I’ve recently jumped back into the dating pool after a dozen or so years of kicking it on the sidelines, and I’ve already discovered that I have a major preference in the “what I’m looking for in a man” department. I’d like him to have failed at marriage too.

OK, I know that sounds weird, but hear me out. I never knew how fragile marriage was before mine went down in flames. I didn’t understand people who got divorced, and in fact often joked that the secret to staying married was to not get divorced.

Side note: Gee, you think that would have been a hint to myself that there was trouble in paradise?

Anyway, it’s not that there aren’t fantastic guys out there that haven’t waited for their bride at the end of the aisle yet, and in many ways, these guys might even be better on paper. There’s a distinct lack of baggage that comes from having never been married before.

It’s just that I have my own baggage now -- the my life turned upside down and my marriage failed and I tried every damn thing I could to fix it but in the end it was all futile baggage. No matter how much a single guy may try to understand, or how much compassion he may have, there’s nothing like the silent empathy of someone that’s been there too.  

More from The Stir: 10 Tips for Dating a Single Mom

I’m not stupid. I know that the divorce rates of second marriages are much higher than those of first marriages. I know that every time you divorce someone, you’re more likely to do it again. According to the U.S. Census, 41 percent of first marriages, 60 percent of second marriages, and 73 percent of third marriages all end in divorce.

Personally, I just think that’s because once you’ve been through it before you’re less likely to feel trapped again. But I digress.

I want someone that jumped all in once upon a time, only to have everything blow up in his face. I think that if we both learn from our mistakes in our first marriages, we may actually have a better shot at making it work. I’m hoping warning signs of impending breakdowns won’t go ignored, and we’ll both fight like hell for each other.

Of course, God has a wicked sense of humor, so no doubt I’ll eventually end up with a bachelor. Well, it’s not like I’ve never had my best-laid plans go astray before.

What type of man did you prefer to date after divorce?

by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 9:17 AM
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Replies (1-10):
lucky2Beeme
by Silver Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 9:33 AM
3 moms liked this

They should date whomever they like with the exception of married men !

earthangel1967
by YVONNE on Feb. 5, 2014 at 9:45 AM

 I agree 100%..  After my divorce when I was online dating and had sole custody of my 4  kids too I was very open and honest about myself and also I was open to any guy in  my preferred  age range, with both the looks and the personality traits etc I was looking for.  In my case there were some guys I dated once to a few times that had never been married and never had their own  kids and a couple liked me a LOT... but I was also honest that I  did not  want to have any more kids and was unable to anyway so that meant we had to go our separate ways because I wanted them to be able to have that and not regret it later.

I honestly never gave much thought to the pros and cons of if the guy was divorced or never married before. I didn't care  if he had kids or not either. I cared more about my list of ideals and  my list of dealbreakers and if I was attracted to him along with all that.

I did end up with a man who had married too young to someone horrible for wrong reasons (just like I had) and he had put up with her unhappily for 12 yrs similar to how I felt trapped and put up with mine for 16 very unhappily.. He had full custody of his one biological  daughter and was an exceptional father to her and to my kids as his own too. 

We are not worried at all about 2nd marriage statistics. we've been together 11 yrs and each day is happier and more in love than the one before it. We now believe in soulmates and also we are best friends..

Our only regret is that we didnt  meet eachother  when we were very young but at the same time we also think we appreciate one another sooooo much more having had such a nightmare ex's in comparison.. feels surreal like heaven on earth now. : )  And we both DID learn big lessons from previous marraiges and dont do any of the same messed up stuff in this marriage at all .. ever!

But yeah.. I think men and women should  date anyone they want divorced or not as long a they are not married or in a relationship with another person already.

Quoting lucky2Beeme:

They should date whomever they like with the exception of married men !

 

View Full Size Image YVONNE

Hottmomma607
by Trica on Feb. 5, 2014 at 11:34 AM
I guess whatever works for people? I'm not divorced, so don't know?
momof2boy2girl
by Valerie on Feb. 5, 2014 at 11:56 AM
Eh. I think that previous relationships are irrelevant. As long as there isn't a history of abuse or cheating. Vince has never been married before me. I've had to practice marriages. The first, I was way too young and.the second I.was pushed into and that one was very abusive. I.never.planned on ever dating again, but I met Vince, we became friends, eventually started dating and we are now very happily married.
I have learned a lot, and I knew this time what I.should and should not tolerate. I also know that neither of us has had to.sacrifice important things for the relationship.
LadyBast
by Brenda on Feb. 5, 2014 at 1:00 PM

No they should date who they want, I do not think there should be a restriction on who just because you are divorced! How crazy, just not a married man that is a NO!

Serenity7
by Platinum Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 1:56 PM

 Thanks for posting

MethuenMom
by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 2:34 PM

 I say whatever blows your hair back. 

OHgirlinCA
by Silver Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 2:46 PM

 I dated men who had been through a divorce and those that had never been married before.  It doesn't take being divorced to understand what it's like to have a failed relationship. 

The man I married was never married before and didn't have kids either.  Our marriage is very happy. 

I think only dating divorced men after going through a divorce may impede yourself from finding the type of man you are looking for.  Why narrow the pool just because of that?

mrs.hartman12
by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 4:28 PM

I am probably not qualified to answer since I have never been divorced, but when I was single I didn't not purposely date previously married men. Then I met my dh and he was very upfront and honest about being married twice before. I am glad I did not limit myself and cut him out because he is a wonderful husband and learned a lot from his experiances. 

mrs.hartman12
by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 4:29 PM

Agree, I had a couple long term relationships that went bad and I totally understand a failed relationship. 

Quoting OHgirlinCA:

 I dated men who had been through a divorce and those that had never been married before.  It doesn't take being divorced to understand what it's like to have a failed relationship. 

The man I married was never married before and didn't have kids either.  Our marriage is very happy. 

I think only dating divorced men after going through a divorce may impede yourself from finding the type of man you are looking for.  Why narrow the pool just because of that?


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