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Should I tell the other woman's boyfriend about the affair?

Posted by on Feb. 28, 2014 at 9:27 PM
  • 24 Replies

Greetings all, I have been wrestling with an ethical question and I am seeking some advice.  About a year ago I discovered that my husband had been having an affair - he left an email from his lover open on his phone and I found it.  I was devastated and considered leaving but opted to stay and go to the marriage counselor - we have a two year old boy and I thought it was really important to try rebuild the relationship.  Things have been slowly improving between my husband and I and I feel that my life overall is in a much better place.

When I found the email, of course it contained the other woman's name.  Thanks to the magic of Facebook, I easily found her and also discovered that she was "in a relationship with" a guy.  I considered emailing the guy but thought that perhaps I was still very raw from discovering the affair and thought it would be best not to do so - basically I thought my motive might be revenge so I opted not to do anything.

Fast forward to now - I feel that I've gotten over the initial pain of the affair and have healed somewhat.  However, I still contemplate contacting this guy to tell him.  I'm trying to examine my motives and think about what I would want someone to do if he discovered his girlfriend/wife was having an affair with my husband.  On one hand, I'd be devastated to learn about it from someone I didn't know.  On the other hand, I would also want to know the painful truth and not stay in a relationship that was based on distrust and lies.

Please advise.  Thanks.

by on Feb. 28, 2014 at 9:27 PM
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by on Feb. 28, 2014 at 9:30 PM
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Wash your hands of it and have nothing to do with her ever again. Keep her as far away from your lives as possible. It will only drag up old memories of the past. Move forward and don't look back.
by Marianne on Feb. 28, 2014 at 10:29 PM

 This was a year ago? No. Leave him alone. For all you know, he knows already and how would you like it if someone brought up the past like that? He is none of your business, especially not anymore.

by Silver Member on Feb. 28, 2014 at 11:58 PM
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Moving on, means "leaving things on the past"

I understand your wonders......but no.

Maybe she caused him pain as much as your husband caused you...and she is working on saving what she has with him, as well as your husband is with you.
by Member on Mar. 1, 2014 at 12:28 AM

Before you do anything ask yourself:   Am I prepared to live with the consequences my actions will have if I tell this man about his partner's affair?    You don't know how your DH's former girlfriend dealt with her life after the affair ended.  Perhaps she felt badly about the affair and got her life straightened out and her relationship with her boyfriend back on track.    Are there children involved whose lives would be changed by your revelation?   Is any of this really your "cross to bear"?   If I were you, I would move forward with my life and with rebuilding my family.    I wouldn't concern myself with the girlfriend and her partner.    By now, he is not likely as blind as you might imagine.   Leave the past where it needs to be.   No good can come of your involvement.    

by Platinum Member on Mar. 1, 2014 at 8:08 AM

 Not your place.

This is between the 'two' people in that relationship, him, and her. While I understand the 'I'd want to know if I was in that position'... it's not your place.

by on Mar. 1, 2014 at 8:09 AM
If you have moved forward then I think contacting the boyfriend would cause unnecessary drama and you'll just be stirring the pot.
by on Mar. 1, 2014 at 8:11 AM

 Totally not your place to tell.  The only relationship you need be concerned about is your own.  Don't carry that baggage.

by Brenda on Mar. 1, 2014 at 8:46 AM

I would leave it alone it will come back to them..

by on Mar. 1, 2014 at 9:02 AM

No you should not.   You need to focus on your marriage, and leave well enough alone.  Stirring the pot, wont help you heal.   

 Signed "The Brat"

family in the van

by on Mar. 1, 2014 at 9:13 AM

In your case I would not contact the other woman's boyfriend.  As the other posters have said, it was a year ago, and things have moved on from that time.  If it were a recent/ new discovery, I would probably have a different response...but i would not re-open the situation at this point.  If you have forgiven and are moving on in your marriage continue to focus on that.

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