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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

why couples stay in bad marriages?

Posted by on Mar. 9, 2014 at 3:21 PM
  • 42 Replies
2 moms liked this
I was at a 21st birthday party last night. One of the guess asked the mom how long she had been married and her reply was too long. The guess asked again how long is that and the mom replied well my son is 21 so it will be 22 years this year. She said, no one ended up in prison. There were countless episodes of infidelity on her husband's part and a love child.

I have often seen my life mirroring that mom's and everytime I expessed to her how tired and frustrate I am with my own marriage she has adviced me to think of my children.

Are we in unfulfilled marriages because we want our children to feel that false sense of security? I look at her and I wonder, is our children just and excuse to stay in such a marriage. Her youngest child went off to college this year.

My children are 5 and 8. I am afraid that I too might end up trapped in my marriage for the next 12 or so years.

Isn't marriage suppose to be about finding someone who you love and who loves you and plans of living happily ever after. Why is it when we stray away from these things we, find ways to justify the union.

Speak to me my good people.
by on Mar. 9, 2014 at 3:21 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Hottmomma607
by Trica on Mar. 9, 2014 at 4:21 PM
I don't know? I think its sad &disheartening people cannot walk away from a bad marriage, its not healthy.
Fayanne
by Gold Member on Mar. 9, 2014 at 4:25 PM
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 marriage is a journey, not a destination. All journeys take work or you get lost. Some people thinks it's better to keep wandering along rather than to turn around and take a different path.

People hate change. Change is stressful. If you are a parent, and a woman, it's hard to think of how you'd 'manage' on your own. Will you be okay financially? what if you get sick? Will you ever be loved again?

Many times, the known is easier to deal with than the great unknown.

Many women just can't perceive how they'll ever make it on their own. Fear keeps them from stepping out.

An abusive controlling man can keep them from walking out.

I once rented my house to a mother of 3 who was about to leave her dh. I explained that she was in charge of lawn care. She looked at me blankly and said "I've never even started a lawn mower, let alone mown an entire lawn".

But.. she did it, got out of a bad marriage, made it on her own, and learned to mow the lawn.

Some stay for religious reasons. Some consider their vows to be for forever. Now that I'm divored, I'm not sure how to say the 'til death do we part' part again.

And yes, we are led to believe that divorce is the worst thing we can do to our kids. If you are married with children, you do owe it to them to do the best you can to keep your marriage healthy. They first learn about relationships and love from their parents. However, keeping them in a household in which there is no love or respect between parents is equally as bad, if not worse. It's hard on kids either way, but , as the mother of three girls, I myself did not want my girls growing up to see that you put up with everything and never make changes.

Every marriage is different. It's a relationship between two imperfect people. And we are greatly influenced by our own upbringing.

so.. there are a ton of reasons why women stay.

WifeandMamaof3
by New Member on Mar. 9, 2014 at 4:26 PM
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Hard to say... depends on what is bad in any one marriage... somethings can be worked out and some can not... and of course both sides would have to want to work it out...and both sides will have to figure out if its worth fighting for and then do it... obviously you must have had good times, since you have two children together .... so it can't all be bad (I hope) 

I do think everyone has to make that decision on their own...but sometimes people walk away to fast and sometimes people that should walk away stay ... 

beckolette
by Member on Mar. 9, 2014 at 4:31 PM

Why am I still here?  Well I love my husband deeply. Love him enough to stay when he left me emotionally. Love him enough to try and fight my way though the next 30 yrs to have him as my companion in my old age. 

I almost stayed gone when he had the affair, but I thought about what I wanted and went to him to fight for it. Was it worth repairing the 27 yrs we had? Yes. Would I do it over? Yes.  What about the kids? It hurt them to see the marriage in pieces. Whether we went our seperate ways or stayed together, it will have the same affect on them.  If we are together, we fight and the kids see the problems, The raw truth. The same conversations happen, I hate your dad/mom. They are so unfair. ect.  If divorce happens its the same old story.        So what do you do? IF you are going to stay in a marriage, you MUST fix it. Staying together will only teach your children to live what you did. OR they may go the opposite and divorce several times looking for what mom and dad didn't have. 

Lorena
by Silver Member on Mar. 9, 2014 at 4:49 PM
I don't know. I did not stay in my bad marriage. We should never have gotten married and bearly even knew each other.
Even though I had to leave that marriage I still believe if it is broken you fix it. You make it work.
little.worthen
by Tessie on Mar. 9, 2014 at 4:52 PM

i think that when you get used to something for that long the whole thought that your whole life and everything you've been doing day in and day out for the last _ years could completely change, it freaks you out and you make excuses to stay.

MomToovey
by Marianne on Mar. 9, 2014 at 5:05 PM

 Kids are extremely perceptive. They can see you're not in a loving relationship and they're going to grow up thinking your unhappy marriage is what marriages look like. You don't want them to follow that same path. You don't want your children settling in unhappy marriages. So why do you allow yourself to do it?

I'm never going to sit here and say you need to leave him, unless infidelity or abuse is on the table. There is almost always a fix. Sometimes it takes the help of counseling, but your marriage doesn't have to be over and/or unhappy. However, fixing a marriage can't work unless both partners are 100% committed to it. I would say do absolutely everything you can, and only after everything fails, should divorce be put on the table. After all, that message you'd be sending to your children is that marriage takes hard work, but it's worth it to try. And even if in the end it doesn't work out, you can honestly look your children in the eyes and say you gave it your absolute all.

dontgetn
by Member on Mar. 9, 2014 at 5:28 PM
Quoting Lorena: I don't know. I did not stay in my bad marriage. We should never have gotten married and bearly even knew each other.
Even though I had to leave that marriage I still believe if it is broken you fix it. You make it work.


How long were you in that marriage?
dontgetn
by Member on Mar. 9, 2014 at 5:32 PM
Quoting beckolette:

Why am I still here?  Well I love my husband deeply. Love him enough to stay when he left me emotionally. Love him enough to try and fight my way though the next 30 yrs to have him as my companion in my old age. 

I almost stayed gone when he had the affair, but I thought about what I wanted and went to him to fight for it. Was it worth repairing the 27 yrs we had? Yes. Would I do it over? Yes.  What about the kids? It hurt them to see the marriage in pieces. Whether we went our seperate ways or stayed together, it will have the same affect on them.  If we are together, we fight and the kids see the problems, The raw truth. The same conversations happen, I hate your dad/mom. They are so unfair. ect.  If divorce happens its the same old story.        So what do you do? IF you are going to stay in a marriage, you MUST fix it. Staying together will only teach your children to live what you did. OR they may go the opposite and divorce several times looking for what mom and dad didn't have. 



Don't you find it emotionally draining to be with someone who is emotionally unavailable?
bmw29
by Bronze Member on Mar. 9, 2014 at 5:32 PM
I can't answer this question. I love my husband dearly even when he's driving me insane.
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