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Should I stay or should I go?

Posted by on Mar. 19, 2014 at 8:31 AM
  • 21 Replies

Been with my husband for 10 years and married almost 7 years. I have a dd from a previous relationship. She will be 12 this year. We have another dd we had together. She is 6. So you can see we have a lot of history together. I love my husband with all my heart.

The past few years have been rough though. I realized in November last year that I have been miserable. He's been taking me for granted. I don't feel loved at all. All I feel like i'm good for is sex. He's no longer romantic with me. (hasn't really been for 7 years) He has his moments when he is romantic, but they are few and far in between. We've been fighting and I dread to even see him most of the time.

December last year, he hurt his hand pretty bad and lost his job over it. We almost became homeless, but luckily we moved in with family so we have a place to live. He is technically unemployed now since his hand is healed, but working under the table for a friend of ours making a few bucks. I am working part time 2nd shift so we don't see each other much. We had a really nice vehicle. Had it paid off and everything. Now its broke down as of 3 days ago and we have no money to fix it.

I just had a long talk with him last night about how I feel towards him. He didn't even defend himself or anything. He just said that he will have his bags packed and moved out as soon as he can. I told him I don't want him to leave. That I want to work things out. He said he felt like I ripped his heart out. He asked me if I was leaving him for another man and I said no.

I told him if he doesn't change and make me feel like he actually wants to be with me, then I'm done. I told him i'm giving him 3 months to improve. If i'm still unhappy and he hasn't done anything different, then I am seriously calling it quits.

I feel like i'm at a crossroads with this cuz I really do love him. I keep holding out hope that he will be a better husband to me. He is a great father and when he has a steady job, a great provider too.

I don't know what to do. I don't mind being single again, but I don't know if I want to be divorced either. I told him I can't see him being with anyone else, having sex with anyone else or even having kids with someone else.

All I did after we talked was cry. I wish there was an easy way to fix all this. In the past, I have felt this same way. Unappreciated, unloved, etc. Every time I tell him the same thing, nothing changes. This time i'm about at the end of my rope. Not sure how much longer I can push on. I also don't want to have a broken family. (2 kids to 2 different men and not with either one. I don't even want more kids.)

I have tried many times over to have him go to conseling with me. Every time he refuses. So that is why we talk. What do you ladies think? Should I tough it out and wait the 3 months or call it quits now?

by on Mar. 19, 2014 at 8:31 AM
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by on Mar. 19, 2014 at 10:28 AM

 3 months is not enough time. It just isn't.

For me, a no to counseling is a sign that he doesn't care enough to work on things. If my DH ever refused to go we'd have an irreparable problem.

The romance doesn't bother me. Most guys aren't naturally romantic. Also, some girls are a wee bit unrealistic on the romance anyway. I see romance in the little things my DH does. Like him bringing DD to our room so I didn't have to get up to feed her this morning and him dressing our son. That's bloody romantic! Mayhap you could start seeing it in the little things. Maybe not. Maybe this relationship really is bad.

I think you should set up a coulseing appt, tell him about it and go, no matter what, go. If he won't go with you you should still go so you can figure out what you want in life.

by on Mar. 19, 2014 at 10:33 AM
Why would you tell him three months and then ask if you should call it quits now? At least give him the three months like you said you would.
by on Mar. 19, 2014 at 10:33 AM

What I hate is that even if you did go for someone else, it is a symptom that something in your marriage is not right.

Men are the kinds of creatures that want to have a quick fix to everything.  When they can't fix it, they withdraw from it.  if he is not willing to go to counseling with you to make in effort on his part, I think you have your answer.

by Silver Member on Mar. 19, 2014 at 11:23 AM
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Maybe this time he will go to couples counseling with you, if not you may as well go, he's not going to change, and you will still be miserable and 10 years older. Focus on the Family has free counseling available I have heard. Good luck mama. The love is still there and thats the good news.

by Silver Member on Mar. 19, 2014 at 11:25 AM
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Individual counseling is good too, so you can vent and be honest without worrying about hurting his feelings, get some even if he wont go!

by on Mar. 19, 2014 at 11:35 AM
Maybe you should try something different. Something to get the ball rolling so to speak. It is not just a one person effort. Then if it doesn't work you tried you can't do it all and he can't either.
by Brenda on Mar. 19, 2014 at 11:49 AM
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You said 3 months so I would do it and try to talk more and do more together be open and honest!

by on Mar. 19, 2014 at 11:59 AM
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This sounds like a normal "for worse" period in a normal relationship. He's been injured and unemployed. It will likely take more than 3 months to bounce back from that. Sometimes, we feel unappreciated and unloved, but that doesn't mean that we actually are unappreciated and unloved. 

I would not toss this marriage to the wolves. From what you posted, I see more good than bad. Work at it. Be patient. You will probably be very happy that you did.

by Member on Mar. 19, 2014 at 12:41 PM
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I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I think talking to a counselor is a good idea, even if it is you going alone. They will be able to give you some advice and guidance throughout this process. Focus on the Family does have free licensed counselors that you can call at 1800-A-Family. I have spoken with one before and they are great. I know they would love to come along side you and help in anyway they can! I also found this article that you may find helpful:

I will keep you in my prayers!

by Bronze Member on Mar. 19, 2014 at 12:45 PM
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It's kind of messed up that you're blaming him for everything. I'm sure you played a role in this too. Leaving shouldn't even be an option. You can choose to fix your marriage but it's not going to happen when you have one foot out the door.
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