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How to have a healthy talk about marriage

Posted by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 10:50 AM
  • 11 Replies
I think men today run away from this talk. I believe in marriage. I was conceived by a married couple. And I can't live with someone my whole life and not be married. I personally feel it's embarrassing to be with one man for years and never even looked at me and say ahh ha thats my wife and I know it. I'm in my 30's. I feel like I can wait but I have a deadline. After that deadline I want to be married or I'll be single.
I've brought this up to S/O. He says he believes in marriage. He proposed to his ex 3 times. She said no. I honestly don't understand why he proposed. She cheated on him and didn't hide it. It was an unhealthy situation. But thats his past. I've been with him for 5yrs and he still says he don't think we should get married because we are common law married. WTH!!!!! So, I really want to know how should I bring this up to him? How can I get him to understand the importance of being married?
by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 10:50 AM
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Replies (1-10):
kns2004
by Member on Mar. 30, 2014 at 10:56 AM
1 mom liked this
Maybe you can show him this post. It explains it all. Good luck, i hope it all works out in your favor 😊
Raeann11
by Gold Member on Mar. 30, 2014 at 12:20 PM

You straight out tell him what you said here on how you feel.

NDADanceMom
by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 1:58 PM
Leave. Tell him you want a real marriage and you respect him enough to not force him into it.
mjmorrison
by Member on Mar. 30, 2014 at 2:07 PM

use the " I, me" words instead of the "you" word. let him know what you are looking for without any accusations. It also sounds like he has been burned three times before, making him very leery.

MomToovey
by Marianne on Mar. 30, 2014 at 3:33 PM
2 moms liked this

 One of the first things that popped into my mind is that you should propose to him. By action, you are showing him just how important this gesture (marriage) is to you and that you're serious about it. Actions speak louder than words, after all.

And while I don't necessarily think that's a bad idea, it doesn't really solve your problem. If you want to marry this man, you're going to need to know how to talk to him in potentially uncomfortable circumstances. As one poster suggested, be sure to keep the conversation about you, without playing the victim. By using language or tone that implies he's to blame, he'll go on the defensive and it'll turn into a fight. But if you present it to him in such a way that suggests you have a problem and you need his help to fix it, he'll be more inclined to listen and come to a solution with you.

I can kind of understand his hesitation, after having been burned 3 times. And if he already considers you married by common law, he may truly not see what the big deal is as far as actually getting a legal marriage certificate. There certainly are many benefits to a legal marriage, including rights if something were to happen to either one of you. Present him with the facts if he seems unable to understand. Don't be condescending, you're not a teacher or his mother, just give him information as an equal.

Good luck.

MomToovey
by Marianne on Mar. 30, 2014 at 3:36 PM

 Also, I just googled benefits of marriage vs. common law and learned only 10 states (and D.C.) recognize common law. Make sure you're living in one of those states, otherwise you have even fewer legal rights than you may have realized.

1squishysmom
by Bronze Member on Mar. 30, 2014 at 3:38 PM
1 mom liked this

  I's not important to everybody. My husband wanted to get married, I could take it or leave it. To me, it was just a formality. Honestly, I think he just wanted it for financial reasons. We have been very happily married over 22 years. I have no doubt that we could have been together, just as happily, for the past 22+ years, without getting married.

drewby1
by on Apr. 4, 2014 at 4:03 PM
Hi there, I understand how you must feel. Honesty is the best policy, just let him know exactly what your heart is. Wish you all the best.
famiglia_bella
by on Apr. 4, 2014 at 4:11 PM

This is true for me as well.  I just couldn't have cared less about making it "official".  We did it for insurance reasons.  Over two decades later and I can honestly say that I believe this is where we'd both be without the certificate.

If it is that important to you, OP, propose!  :)  What better way to say how important it is to you?  Good luck.

Quoting 1squishysmom:

  I's not important to everybody. My husband wanted to get married, I could take it or leave it. To me, it was just a formality. Honestly, I think he just wanted it for financial reasons. We have been very happily married over 22 years. I have no doubt that we could have been together, just as happily, for the past 22+ years, without getting married.


furbabymum
by on Apr. 4, 2014 at 4:15 PM

 Well for one you aren't common law married. For 2, you have a deadline but it's not before 5 years? Bit silly to have a deadline then.............

I'd tell my DH to shit or get off the pot. :P I'm an excellent conversationalist like that.

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