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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

OK, so how do I handle this?

Posted by on Apr. 2, 2014 at 10:05 AM
  • 38 Replies


First off, i have shifted my focus. I refuse to be depressed. I am surounded by many positive things that I am truly grateful for and so I am choosing to focus on that.  Not that I am not still preparing for the possible worst, being prepared is helping my to feel empowered.  It is a process for sure.

OK, so in my focus shift I started to see things differently.  My DH has this way about him where he does really rude things under the guise of being funny. I used to just think it was funny and I roll with it. Mostly it's really mild, but I have said to him that some of his remarks really hurt and that he needs to curb those things, and he has, but not entirely.  Well I don't think these things are so funny anymore.  Yesterday we were talking to another friend, and I was trying to interject my comment when my husband said, "Quiet, the adults are talking here." To me.  WHAT THE F***? That was NOT funny. just plain rude. and I started to realize that this is NOT about me.  All this time I have always thought - if I could clean more, if I could just keep the house neater, If I were just different, then he would be happy and we would be happy.  BUT in that one moment I started to realize, that this is not me!! I am NOT the problem in this relationship - well at least not the only problem.


OK, so I do not want to separate.  My DH is not a monster.  He has also been loving and wonderful throughout the years and he is a great father. Relax, i am not saying this gives him permission to put me down. I am starting to realize that if I don't stick up for myself, then I am not a good role model for my kids.  I totally get that now.  BUT at the same time, I still love him and I still think there is hope with counselling and work.  So now that I am sort of walking on egg shells with the state of my relationship, how can I let him know that it is not OK for him to put me down, without starting a whole fight? I DO NOT WANT TO FIGHT.  

He thinks he is entitled to act any way that he wants.  His view is that HE does everything, HE does the housework, HE works full time, He helps with the kids, HE does all the yard work, and I am a lazy piece of crap who doesn't care so he deserves to act anyway he likes.  and I deserve anything he dishes.  (note: I also work full time, have a side job, and am in grad school as well as taking care of the kids and house).  His perception is not reality BUT a person's perception is always THEIR reality. So I have to understand that his warped sense of what is going on here, is not at all warped to him.  I hope the counselor can help us, but how do i deal in the mean time?? Thanks!

by on Apr. 2, 2014 at 10:05 AM
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Replies (1-10):
MixedCooke
by Silver Member on Apr. 2, 2014 at 10:16 AM
You answered your own question-STAND UP TO HIM! As far as the depression and stress, St Johns Wort for mild depression and anxiety and RELORA for blocking the stress hormone, cortisol, aka will relax you.
furbabymum
by Gold Member on Apr. 2, 2014 at 10:17 AM
3 moms liked this

 Well he's been doing it for 10 years. It's not just going to change magically. You BOTH are stuck in a pattern of behavior here that is going to take some intense focus, understanding and work to fix. It's going to take an excellent couselor. Also, if your DH can't admit this is a problem it's not going to change. You can walk off and not tolerate the comments but he'll never stop making them.

Perhaps you should google the cycle of abuse. They have some images that are super clear. I think you should look at it and see if you think that's what you're on here. It's a merry go round. You'll continue circling it until one of you gets off. Idealy you both need to get off though.

aehutmacher
by New Member on Apr. 2, 2014 at 10:23 AM
I would start by setting time aside specifically to talk to him. I mean, it's still important to point out when he does the things he does to upset you, but to really get through to him, make a plan together to talk about it (when you are alone and not just coming home from work, for example). Tell him that you need to talk to him and ask when the best time for that would be, then do it! Show him you're serious and explain how the things he says/does affect you personally. Make him understand that his "jokes" are not conducive to a healthy relationship.

Also, stay away from "you" statements and focus on "I feel" statements so that he won't get defensive. If he does, it will be hard to get through to him.
Acid
by on Apr. 2, 2014 at 10:32 AM

Sounds like a monster to me.

I never would have let it go on as long as you have.  I never would have let him treat me as badly as he's treated you.

It's going to be a long, long, long, long, road because you've continually allowed him to treat you so horribly.

He won't like being fixed but you have to stand your ground.

Bwebb
by Member on Apr. 2, 2014 at 10:34 AM
1 mom liked this

I am seeing things differently. I think my recognition of this is a good first step. I am not afraid to separate the way that I was before. If that is where this leads, then I can handle that. I don't want that though, so I am going to still try for a happy ending.  Thank you for your comments!!

furbabymum
by Gold Member on Apr. 2, 2014 at 11:18 AM
5 moms liked this

 I'm kind of a bitch so next time he tells you the adults are talking look around and say, "really, I don't see any here." then walk away. :P

katiebug840204
by Bronze Member on Apr. 2, 2014 at 11:23 AM
I have to agree here.

Quoting furbabymum:

 Well he's been doing it for 10 years. It's not just going to change magically. You BOTH are stuck in a pattern of behavior here that is going to take some intense focus, understanding and work to fix. It's going to take an excellent couselor. Also, if your DH can't admit this is a problem it's not going to change. You can walk off and not tolerate the comments but he'll never stop making them.


Perhaps you should google the cycle of abuse. They have some images that are super clear. I think you should look at it and see if you think that's what you're on here. It's a merry go round. You'll continue circling it until one of you gets off. Idealy you both need to get off though.

Bwebb
by Member on Apr. 2, 2014 at 11:33 AM

I actually like this! And I would totally do this. Under the same guise of being funny!!! 

Quoting furbabymum:

 I'm kind of a bitch so next time he tells you the adults are talking look around and say, "really, I don't see any here." then walk away. :P


furbabymum
by Gold Member on Apr. 2, 2014 at 11:36 AM
2 moms liked this

 I want to clarify that it will absolutely help nothing if you do this. Well except it'll make you feel better.

Quoting Bwebb:

I actually like this! And I would totally do this. Under the same guise of being funny!!! 

Quoting furbabymum:

 I'm kind of a bitch so next time he tells you the adults are talking look around and say, "really, I don't see any here." then walk away. :P

 

Bwebb
by Member on Apr. 2, 2014 at 11:38 AM

Yes, i agree too. I know it is not going to just change. And I also know that if he never sees it any differently than there is nothing I can do. But I am focusing on myself. I am going to work on being the best I can be.  And just ride this wave.  I am going to use counselling to start learning how to stop my part in the cycle and how to stick up for myself.  Thanks!!

Quoting katiebug840204: I have to agree here.
Quoting furbabymum:

 Well he's been doing it for 10 years. It's not just going to change magically. You BOTH are stuck in a pattern of behavior here that is going to take some intense focus, understanding and work to fix. It's going to take an excellent couselor. Also, if your DH can't admit this is a problem it's not going to change. You can walk off and not tolerate the comments but he'll never stop making them.

Perhaps you should google the cycle of abuse. They have some images that are super clear. I think you should look at it and see if you think that's what you're on here. It's a merry go round. You'll continue circling it until one of you gets off. Idealy you both need to get off though.


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