First off, i have shifted my focus. I refuse to be depressed. I am surounded by many positive things that I am truly grateful for and so I am choosing to focus on that. Not that I am not still preparing for the possible worst, being prepared is helping my to feel empowered. It is a process for sure.
OK, so in my focus shift I started to see things differently. My DH has this way about him where he does really rude things under the guise of being funny. I used to just think it was funny and I roll with it. Mostly it's really mild, but I have said to him that some of his remarks really hurt and that he needs to curb those things, and he has, but not entirely. Well I don't think these things are so funny anymore. Yesterday we were talking to another friend, and I was trying to interject my comment when my husband said, "Quiet, the adults are talking here." To me. WHAT THE F***? That was NOT funny. just plain rude. and I started to realize that this is NOT about me. All this time I have always thought - if I could clean more, if I could just keep the house neater, If I were just different, then he would be happy and we would be happy. BUT in that one moment I started to realize, that this is not me!! I am NOT the problem in this relationship - well at least not the only problem.
OK, so I do not want to separate. My DH is not a monster. He has also been loving and wonderful throughout the years and he is a great father. Relax, i am not saying this gives him permission to put me down. I am starting to realize that if I don't stick up for myself, then I am not a good role model for my kids. I totally get that now. BUT at the same time, I still love him and I still think there is hope with counselling and work. So now that I am sort of walking on egg shells with the state of my relationship, how can I let him know that it is not OK for him to put me down, without starting a whole fight? I DO NOT WANT TO FIGHT.
He thinks he is entitled to act any way that he wants. His view is that HE does everything, HE does the housework, HE works full time, He helps with the kids, HE does all the yard work, and I am a lazy piece of crap who doesn't care so he deserves to act anyway he likes. and I deserve anything he dishes. (note: I also work full time, have a side job, and am in grad school as well as taking care of the kids and house). His perception is not reality BUT a person's perception is always THEIR reality. So I have to understand that his warped sense of what is going on here, is not at all warped to him. I hope the counselor can help us, but how do i deal in the mean time?? Thanks!