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On a Journey to Self Discovery and CONFUSED

Posted by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 8:57 AM
  • 8 Replies

So recently, through marriage counselling and a little self exploration, I have started to see things differently. And now I am ultimately confused. I have been married for 10 years and have always felt like I was this lazy piece of crap. I am NOT good at keeping the house neat and orderly. I fully admit that. I am messy and disorganized. I am working on that though. I don't think I will ever be a neat freak. My husband basically has told me that he is miserable because I am so inconsiderate. He equates living with me to living with a messy college roommate. He says that for 10+ years I have never cared about what he wants, and that I am selfish and inconsiderate and that i am passing those awful traits onto our children. I have always believed him, and have spent all our time together trying to change. Trying to be organized. Buying organizers and baskets so that I have places to put things. I've even been to therapy. I work full time, I have a side business, and I go to grad school. We have 2 children ages 6 and 3. I am wishing to quit my full time job to make my side business my career, but it's been hard to give my side business the right amount of attention with everything else in my life. 

Anyway, I have recently begun to wonder if I am all wrong. Maybe I am not exactly who my husband paints me out to be. I am starting to get confused between what I am hoping and what is true. I wonder if I am the inconsiderate housemate my husband says I am. Before we had kids, when we both worked full time and had an apartment with a couple of cats, I was still not very neat and organized. I was messy even when i had the time at hand to be less messy. I have always worked though, I was never a stay at home anything. And I have always had another side job which have changed along the way. I fully admit that I was pampered as a child and I started our life together acting very much the same way I acted at home. My husband would have you believe that this is the root of it all. That my messy, inconsiderate habits have never changed. I would contest that. I work. He works. I value down time. I will not deny that. I like to sit around in the evenings watching TV or playing on my phone. But I often do that while folding laundry or reading for my class. If I am honest with myself, I never seem to give 100% of myself to anything I do. I half-*** everything so to speak. I coast through my job and school doing the minimum requirements. So this is why I am confused about who I am. What I deserve. If I can repair this relationship. I don't know what I am looking for here. I am just trying to figure out if I have a leg to stand on arguing for more respect, or if my husband is right and I need massive amounts of work on myself to change. Blah. what do you all think? Thanks in advance.

by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 8:57 AM
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Replies (1-8):
Bwebb
by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 8:58 AM

Sorry for re-adding my details here, I know many of you have read my other posts and know some of this about me already.  Just added them for those who have no clue about my story at all. 

deadlights86
by Emily on Apr. 3, 2014 at 9:02 AM

Sounds like if he wants the house cleaner then he needs to step up and help. How busy is he during the week? You have two jobs plus you're a student. When do you even have time to clean?

Brattzilla
by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 9:09 AM
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I am a terrible house keeper.   I am not miss crazy cleaning lady! I keep it tidy, and I keep it acceptable to company (should we ever have any lol).. I am the most unorganized person! I do try, and I try to improve, and I have my days where I just want to clean clean clean, but those days are far and few between.

I think you really need to stop beating yourself up over this. You are human, you work full time, you work part time, you are in grad school, adn you are raising children.  you are only ONE person. if you husband isn't willing to realize how much you are already juggling, how much time you are away from home, that when you are home you just want to enjoy your children, then your husband is the one who needs to re-think his expectations.  the more I read of your posts, the more I feel like your husband is insecure with himself because of your success.  If he can bring you down a notch he will, if he can steal your joy and your pride he will.

Hold your head up, Realize your worth, and you don't worry about him. He is just being a real pain the ass, who can't seem to appreciate the ambitious wife he has. He can't seem to be accepting of who you are, instead you have to continue this mind game of his for him to accept you.  NO No NO dear, it is time Your husband accepts you for who you are, and he needs to stop tryign to "tweek" you into something else.   

The house will be there, the dishes/laundry will be there... one day you will be done with grad school, the kids will be grown, and hopefully he will still be around to reap the benefits of your hard work & dedication.   

Bwebb
by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 9:31 AM

Thank you both. Yes that is the way I am leaning. Toward believing that I am not just a lazy colege roommate. But whenever I start to think of myself as productive and worth resepct, I consider that I am not great at the things my husband wants.  

And I absolutely think that his own view of himself is poor.  It seems very possible that he is jealous in a sense. In a drunken state one night he admitted to me that he sees my job as something that makes a difference but his job is just a job.  I want him to have a breakthrough and see things more clearly, but I can't force that.  We are in counselling, and all I can do is work on myself and hope. 

We have trouble in the intimacy department too, and I have always blamed myself for that too.  AND he holds grudges. If I messed up one time in all our years together, I am never able to live that down.

LadyBast
by Brenda on Apr. 3, 2014 at 4:45 PM

If you do not work you should take care of the house just because you did not have to as a child does not mean as an adult you can just do whatever...

Krysden
by Platinum Member on Apr. 5, 2014 at 6:07 PM
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I'm not sure I have good advice on this one but I'll give it a shot.  The only person you can change or have any control over is you.  If there are things in yourself that you see as a hinderance in your relationship with your husband or as a hinderance to YOU then I'd probably suggest making a list of those things and tackling them one at a time.   If you do make changes, don't expect him to necessarily act like he even notices at first though.  If things have been the same way for awhile he may be afraid to trust that they will stay different.

Also, since you mentioned housework & organization being hard for you there are a couple of good blogs/sites:

http://www.unfuckyourhabitat.com/

http://www.aslobcomesclean.com/

http://www.home-storage-solutions-101.com/organized-home.html

http://unclutterer.com/2011/06/20/the-keystone-demise/


ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Apr. 5, 2014 at 6:12 PM

The problem is that you never gave yourself a leg to stand on for the last 10 years. My husband cleans WAY more than I do, and sometimes he gives me crap about it too. And each time, I respond with everything that I indeed HAVE done within the last week, and that I , too, work full time and have just as many commitments as he does, if not more. It doesn't stop the comments completely, but if he comes at me verbally swinging, I swing back with two legs to stand on. You needed to stand up for yourself a long time ago. 

Bwebb
by on Apr. 7, 2014 at 8:26 AM

Yes. Thank you. I think this is the most accurate description of what's been going on that I have read so far.  I hope now it's not too late to work things out.  

Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

The problem is that you never gave yourself a leg to stand on for the last 10 years. My husband cleans WAY more than I do, and sometimes he gives me crap about it too. And each time, I respond with everything that I indeed HAVE done within the last week, and that I , too, work full time and have just as many commitments as he does, if not more. It doesn't stop the comments completely, but if he comes at me verbally swinging, I swing back with two legs to stand on. You needed to stand up for yourself a long time ago. 


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