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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

How do you argue with a "perfect" spouse?

Posted by on Apr. 4, 2014 at 12:49 PM
  • 124 Replies

My husband is CONVINCED beyond all reason that he is right.  That he KNOWS what I am thinking and feeling and who I am fundamentally.  Recently I have begun to realize that I have been letting him treat me poorly and with disrespect all so that I can avoid an argument.  So how do I stand up for myself when he believes he is right?

Whenever I have tried to assert myself in the past, he says something to make me feel stupid. For example just the other night he told me there is no point to his trying to work things out with me because I know what it takes to make him happy, I have always known, but I just don't care. (keeping the house cleaner and organized). I came back with "how could you say that? All I am ever consumed with is trying to make you happy." He says that I am saying that but I haven't really done anything to that affect. He says all the cleaning and keeping myself neater that I have done should not be about him, that these things should be done simply because they need to get done, and my making this about him is wrong.

He said "It's not an act of love toward me to clean the house. It is just what you should do because you are an adult" And then he went on about how I am selfish and what I really want is for things to go back to him being miserable and just faking things, and me just reaping the benefits. When I said that if that were true, I wouldn't be bringing us to counselling and trying to make things better, he says that I am trying to make a display, put on the show of trying, but I really don't want to do the what it actually would take. He goes on and on about how I KNOW what needs to be done, and that it has been the same argument for years, and yet I bring us to counseling and try to talk about it, all instead of actually doing it!!!! But I spend every second that I can cleaning something up and putting things away.  I work, I go to school, we have 2 kids and I try to keep the house as nice as I possibly can because I know that it pleases him.  I just don't know how to assert myself when he won't hear or agree with anything I say. 

by on Apr. 4, 2014 at 12:49 PM
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Replies (1-10):
furbabymum
by on Apr. 4, 2014 at 12:57 PM
17 moms liked this

 Well, I've responded to many of your posts in the past so now I am simply going to say this,

Get a fucking divorce and move the fuck on. Stop putting energy into him and thoughts of him. Just move the fuck on.

Bwebb
by on Apr. 4, 2014 at 1:03 PM

OK. But I have 2 kids.  They count for something.  They are 6 and 3.  They love their father and they love us as a family.  Plus I am afraid of how a divorce will go.  Believe me, I am starting to stash away money and to photocopy documents. But he would fight dirty and I am afraid of what would happen to my kids in the process. NO I DO NOT think it's ok for them to live with parents who do not love each other, I am not saying that at all. It's easy to say get a divorce, but it is not so simple.  Before I jump to that, I'd like to try to make this work.

But I hear you, I get it. I am with a man who does not see my worth and that is WRONG, but I am not able to just leave. Not yet anyway. And in the mean time, I would like to try to make things better.  

Quoting furbabymum:

 Well, I've responded to many of your posts in the past so now I am simply going to say this,

Get a fucking divorce and move the fuck on. Stop putting energy into him and thoughts of him. Just move the fuck on.


furbabymum
by on Apr. 4, 2014 at 1:07 PM
7 moms liked this

 What you are with is an abusive asshole. You are perpetuating the cycle of abuse by participating in his little shit storms. You want to know how to argue with him.... you don't. Arguing with him fuels him, stop. Just stop. Get some therapy. You need it so you can get your shit straight! Just forget about him, he never cared about you anyway. Your kids, they'll thank you someday.

Quoting Bwebb:

OK. But I have 2 kids.  They count for something.  They are 6 and 3.  They love their father and they love us as a family.  Plus I am afraid of how a divorce will go.  Believe me, I am starting to stash away money and to photocopy documents. But he would fight dirty and I am afraid of what would happen to my kids in the process. NO I DO NOT think it's ok for them to live with parents who do not love each other, I am not saying that at all. It's easy to say get a divorce, but it is not so simple.  Before I jump to that, I'd like to try to make this work.

But I hear you, I get it. I am with a man who does not see my worth and that is WRONG, but I am not able to just leave. Not yet anyway. And in the mean time, I would like to try to make things better.  

Quoting furbabymum:

 Well, I've responded to many of your posts in the past so now I am simply going to say this,

Get a fucking divorce and move the fuck on. Stop putting energy into him and thoughts of him. Just move the fuck on.

 

AnGLInterrupted
by Kendall on Apr. 4, 2014 at 1:09 PM
5 moms liked this

I'm sorry but if my husband spoke to me that way he would probably land himself in the ICU.  Seriously??

Megan11587
by Megan on Apr. 4, 2014 at 1:10 PM
1 mom liked this

I don't know.  Thankfully, I don't have that sort of relationship, but then again, I wouldn't allow it.  I'm not trying to be mean, but this behavior happens because you enable it.  You have 2 options -  1.  Leave or 2. counseling.


Personally, It would take something like an affair for me to just pack up my bags without trying, but in this situation, I don't think you can work this out without a third party.  If he will not go to counseling with you and try, then I would cut your losses.  Life is just to freaken short.

mrsfitz05
by on Apr. 4, 2014 at 1:16 PM
5 moms liked this

 In my opinion, I think it's time to take a break from worrying about him and your marriage and start worrying about you. Forget couple's therapy. Start getting counseling that is focused on you. I don't think you can win this with him. Everything I've seen you post, I just don't see how this is going to get any better. I am sure that you have fault in this relationship and maybe there were things you could have done along the way that might have helped BUT it doesn't matter how much good you do, he is still going to put you down and wound you. You can't fix him.

I am sure that it will be a messy divorce and he'll get ugly but it can't be worse for them than watching their mother be beaten down and degraded every day. I don't ever say someone should leave unless it seems like abuse. THIS seems like abuse to me. I don't think it's simple. It's never simple severing a family, but sometimes the best way is the hardest.

mrs.hartman12
by on Apr. 4, 2014 at 1:30 PM
1 mom liked this
One ofthe best pieces of advice I have ever been given regarding house work is to ask your husband what the 3 most important things are that he would like done every day, and then make sure you do them. Every one has their pet peeves and she found that by doing that it diffused trivial  arguments. Do his 3 and then the rest of whatever as you can. For my dh his most important are clean clothes for work, the dishes and having dinner ready when he gets home. I also make a point to clean the living room right before he gets home so that he doesn't walk into a mess, because no one likes to walk into a mess. Your also stretched to thin. You might want to sit down and see if with some budget and lifestyle changes you can quit your job. Or, another option is to pay to have a housekeeper to come in once a week, or twice a month to help with the big cleaning. How old are your kids? Unless they are babies they should be helping too.
Bwebb
by on Apr. 4, 2014 at 1:33 PM

UGhhhhh!!!! The thing is up until these last 2 weeks I have not seen things like this.  He doesn't just constantly degrade me in front of the kids.  The kids think we love each other.  We do a lot of fun fa,mily things together. How could divorce be better for the kids? They would be completely blindsided by it and it will change who they are.  They have tremendous trust and security with us together. How can I take that away from them?

Bwebb
by on Apr. 4, 2014 at 1:36 PM

Thank you. But he would say that if I have to ask him what needs to be done each day than I am like a child who needs parenting. The foyer, livingroom and kitchen are always clean if I get home before him. And as for my lifestyle, I graduate in May, and I am a teacher, so I will be off for the summer soon.  This will help eleviate much stress.  I hear what you are all saying.  I do believe that this relationship has already zapped too much of my energy. We are in counselling and I am about to look for a counsellor just for me as well.  Thank you all again.

Quoting mrs.hartman12: One ofthe best pieces of advice I have ever been given regarding house work is to ask your husband what the 3 most important things are that he would like done every day, and then make sure you do them. Every one has their pet peeves and she found that by doing that it diffused trivial  arguments. Do his 3 and then the rest of whatever as you can. For my dh his most important are clean clothes for work, the dishes and having dinner ready when he gets home. I also make a point to clean the living room right before he gets home so that he doesn't walk into a mess, because no one likes to walk into a mess. Your also stretched to thin. You might want to sit down and see if with some budget and lifestyle changes you can quit your job. Or, another option is to pay to have a housekeeper to come in once a week, or twice a month to help with the big cleaning. How old are your kids? Unless they are babies they should be helping too.


MrsImperfect
by on Apr. 4, 2014 at 1:39 PM
1 mom liked this
Because you can find someone else who doesn't treat their mother like shit and that person will be a better role model.

I left my husband when my kids were 3 and 5 because he acted like that and worse. My kids thank me for it now that they're older. I married a man that loves them and shows them how women should be treated. Or else they will grow up thinking that shit is okay.

Man up and do what's best for them.


Quoting Bwebb:

UGhhhhh!!!! The thing is up until these last 2 weeks I have not seen things like this.  He doesn't just constantly degrade me in front of the kids.  The kids think we love each other.  We do a lot of fun fa,mily things together. How could divorce be better for the kids? They would be completely blindsided by it and it will change who they are.  They have tremendous trust and security with us together. How can I take that away from them?

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