My husband is CONVINCED beyond all reason that he is right. That he KNOWS what I am thinking and feeling and who I am fundamentally. Recently I have begun to realize that I have been letting him treat me poorly and with disrespect all so that I can avoid an argument. So how do I stand up for myself when he believes he is right?
Whenever I have tried to assert myself in the past, he says something to make me feel stupid. For example just the other night he told me there is no point to his trying to work things out with me because I know what it takes to make him happy, I have always known, but I just don't care. (keeping the house cleaner and organized). I came back with "how could you say that? All I am ever consumed with is trying to make you happy." He says that I am saying that but I haven't really done anything to that affect. He says all the cleaning and keeping myself neater that I have done should not be about him, that these things should be done simply because they need to get done, and my making this about him is wrong.
He said "It's not an act of love toward me to clean the house. It is just what you should do because you are an adult" And then he went on about how I am selfish and what I really want is for things to go back to him being miserable and just faking things, and me just reaping the benefits. When I said that if that were true, I wouldn't be bringing us to counselling and trying to make things better, he says that I am trying to make a display, put on the show of trying, but I really don't want to do the what it actually would take. He goes on and on about how I KNOW what needs to be done, and that it has been the same argument for years, and yet I bring us to counseling and try to talk about it, all instead of actually doing it!!!! But I spend every second that I can cleaning something up and putting things away. I work, I go to school, we have 2 kids and I try to keep the house as nice as I possibly can because I know that it pleases him. I just don't know how to assert myself when he won't hear or agree with anything I say.