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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Hurt and confused

Posted by on Apr. 9, 2014 at 4:52 AM
  • 17 Replies
Ever since my DH lost his wedding ring and we had our DS I feel like he doesn't love me anymore. Every morning he used to say I was beautiful and give me a kiss. Now I watch as he acknowledges our dog and 10mon old son like I'm not even there. If I walk over there he says what and looks at me like I'm in the way. I can't even tell you the last time I received a good night kiss.

I've tried talking to him about it and he keeps saying he cares about me. I try to tell him he can care without loving, but he insists he still loves me despite what all his actions are saying. I practically have to beg him to kiss me, have sex, or to just have a conversation.

A month or two ago he finally admitted he didn't find me attractive anymore, he broke my heart but I understand. I still have 30lbs of baby weight to lose, but I'm trying. It's so hard when I feel like I'm getting no support, know he doesn't like the way I look, and has porn on his computer.

I thought things were finally getting better, but tonight I feel like everything is falling apart again. I know he has a demanding job, but being a SAHM is demanding too. For once I'd love to feel appreciated for what I do again. I'm tired of crying, feeling sad, unappreciated, and unloved. I'm at a complete loss. I'm at my wits end. I want to leave, but I want more for things to work. For our relationship to be the way it was a year ago...is that too much to ask?
by on Apr. 9, 2014 at 4:52 AM
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Replies (1-10):
ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Apr. 9, 2014 at 7:13 AM
4 moms liked this

Allright, I'm going to level with you.

While part of this is him being emotionally unavailable and insensitive, a big part of this is you. You sound depressed and needy. Do you have any idea how absolutely not fun living with a depressed and needy person is? It's draining, it's exhausting, and frankly it's difficult to find a depressed person attractive. 

Now, I know you will fire back, "I'm depressed because of him!". Nuh-uh. Not so fast. Happiness comes from within. If YOU are unhappy with your 30 extra pounds, do something about it. Get dressed and put on make up everyday. Find a hobby, something you are passionate about. Make friends, read a great book, find a special interest group here and immerse yourself in it, find SOMETHING other than this man to make you happy. It sounds like you've lost a lot of yourself, and that has nothing to do with him. YOU have to make YOU happy. Not him. And once you are happy with yourself again, he will be too. 

lapcounter
by Gold Member on Apr. 9, 2014 at 7:19 AM
Couldn't have said it better!

Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

Allright, I'm going to level with you.

While part of this is him being emotionally unavailable and insensitive, a big part of this is you. You sound depressed and needy. Do you have any idea how absolutely not fun living with a depressed and needy person is? It's draining, it's exhausting, and frankly it's difficult to find a depressed person attractive. 

Now, I know you will fire back, "I'm depressed because of him!". Nuh-uh. Not so fast. Happiness comes from within. If YOU are unhappy with your 30 extra pounds, do something about it. Get dressed and put on make up everyday. Find a hobby, something you are passionate about. Make friends, read a great book, find a special interest group here and immerse yourself in it, find SOMETHING other than this man to make you happy. It sounds like you've lost a lot of yourself, and that has nothing to do with him. YOU have to make YOU happy. Not him. And once you are happy with yourself again, he will be too. 

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lostnadz
by on Apr. 9, 2014 at 8:29 AM
I know the feeling what i can say is live your life dont wait around for him to want you dress up and do things with friends you need to be happy with you before he can be happy with you,look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you are one hot lady love yourself and the happiness will come dont distance yourself to much but dont force you on him give him time and make him want to want you.be the person you were when you first got together but in a more responsible way.....wink wink

Hope that helps you

Quoting Clays6: Ever since my DH lost his wedding ring and we had our DS I feel like he doesn't love me anymore. Every morning he used to say I was beautiful and give me a kiss. Now I watch as he acknowledges our dog and 10mon old son like I'm not even there. If I walk over there he says what and looks at me like I'm in the way. I can't even tell you the last time I received a good night kiss.

I've tried talking to him about it and he keeps saying he cares about me. I try to tell him he can care without loving, but he insists he still loves me despite what all his actions are saying. I practically have to beg him to kiss me, have sex, or to just have a conversation.

A month or two ago he finally admitted he didn't find me attractive anymore, he broke my heart but I understand. I still have 30lbs of baby weight to lose, but I'm trying. It's so hard when I feel like I'm getting no support, know he doesn't like the way I look, and has porn on his computer.

I thought things were finally getting better, but tonight I feel like everything is falling apart again. I know he has a demanding job, but being a SAHM is demanding too. For once I'd love to feel appreciated for what I do again. I'm tired of crying, feeling sad, unappreciated, and unloved. I'm at a complete loss. I'm at my wits end. I want to leave, but I want more for things to work. For our relationship to be the way it was a year ago...is that too much to ask?
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Clays6
by on Apr. 9, 2014 at 9:54 AM
Yes I do know. However, I am not depressed. I've lived with depression, but this is not one of those times. Am I needy? Maybe so, but when you were receiving that kind of attention and more, then it stops for no good reason I think I have a right to know why I'm no longer good enough.

I'm not unhappy about my extra 30lbs, he is. Would I like it gone? Yes, but I don't hate it and I don't feel like I look fat. I never wore make up before I met him and I won't start now just to make him happy.

It's hard to have a hobby when dh can't take 1hr to watch his own son without complaining. I started going to the gym just for him. All the sign up for a gym talk was annoying. Turns out I really enjoy it, but now he won't watch ds so I can go. I either have to squeeze it in at 5am or hope that ds naps long enough I can sneak a 30min workout in.

I joined this site to have more adult interaction, and will look for a place I fit in and can have some good conversation or an interest group I will enjoy.

A marriage is suppose to be give and take, I've given everything and he's done nothing to be supportive the last 10months. Sometimes it's nice to have a little help.
furbabymum
by on Apr. 9, 2014 at 10:16 AM
1 mom liked this

 How can you say he won't watch HIS son. Stop making it optional. Tell the asshole you're going to be gnoe at xyz time for an hour. Don't make it a question, make it a statement. He'll watch his kid.

Tell him if ya'll get divorced he'll be paying CS and watching his son all by his lonesome so he'd best nut up and be a man in this marriage.

Quoting Clays6: Yes I do know. However, I am not depressed. I've lived with depression, but this is not one of those times. Am I needy? Maybe so, but when you were receiving that kind of attention and more, then it stops for no good reason I think I have a right to know why I'm no longer good enough. I'm not unhappy about my extra 30lbs, he is. Would I like it gone? Yes, but I don't hate it and I don't feel like I look fat. I never wore make up before I met him and I won't start now just to make him happy. It's hard to have a hobby when dh can't take 1hr to watch his own son without complaining. I started going to the gym just for him. All the sign up for a gym talk was annoying. Turns out I really enjoy it, but now he won't watch ds so I can go. I either have to squeeze it in at 5am or hope that ds naps long enough I can sneak a 30min workout in. I joined this site to have more adult interaction, and will look for a place I fit in and can have some good conversation or an interest group I will enjoy. A marriage is suppose to be give and take, I've given everything and he's done nothing to be supportive the last 10months. Sometimes it's nice to have a little help.

 

pippi311
by Member on Apr. 9, 2014 at 10:17 AM

Well if he admitted that he doesn't find you attractive anymore, then that's a problem, no matter how shallow it may seem. If you have weight to lose, make the effort. Do other things to try to look appealing - wear make up (even if you didn't before), wear clothes that show off your good features (a low cut blouse showing off your rack). Hopefully these things will help in getting him to notice you again.

However it sounds like your problems run deeper than just physical attraction. It sounds like you have a partner who is not a partner at all really. For that  I don't know the answer... maybe see if he would be willing to go to a marriage counselor with you? 

Clays6
by on Apr. 9, 2014 at 12:02 PM
He's really not. He does laundry, but I fold and put away. Don't get my wrong I'm thankful for that but sometimes I wish he'd finish the job. Or even just start picking up after himself. His mom coddled him and did everything for him. In some ways she still does. However my mil is a whole set of different problems and dh just makes excuses for her.

I know it runs deeper than physical issues, money is kind of tight right now because we needed to replace my car. We'll be fine but dh always worries because he is so use to his mom paying for everything he still doesn't fully understand what it costs to live independantly from a parent.

Maybe I could talk him into counseling, however I'm still trying to talk him into going to church. Doesn't hurt to ask I suppose. I just wish he'd tell the whole truth and not tell me what he thinks I want to hear or a half version of the truth.
Crazylife1994
by on Apr. 9, 2014 at 12:21 PM
1 mom liked this

Sweetie you need to put your foot down. Stop tip toeing around his feelings. First stop giving him the option of taking care of his own child. Whether or not you work inside or outside the house this baby was created by you and your husband.

You need to do things for yourself because you will lose yourself if you don't.

As for him.

I would flat out say I will not be treated like discarded trash by you. All the extra weight is because I carried your child not anyone else's your child. So you can get over your superficial bullshit.  I deserve to be treated with love and respect. You do not have the right to make me feel like garbage.

 

Stand up for yourself. Find yourself again. Stop asking him to watch the baby. Just say I'm heading to the gym. Have fun with the baby and leave.

Quoting Clays6: Yes I do know. However, I am not depressed. I've lived with depression, but this is not one of those times. Am I needy? Maybe so, but when you were receiving that kind of attention and more, then it stops for no good reason I think I have a right to know why I'm no longer good enough. I'm not unhappy about my extra 30lbs, he is. Would I like it gone? Yes, but I don't hate it and I don't feel like I look fat. I never wore make up before I met him and I won't start now just to make him happy. It's hard to have a hobby when dh can't take 1hr to watch his own son without complaining. I started going to the gym just for him. All the sign up for a gym talk was annoying. Turns out I really enjoy it, but now he won't watch ds so I can go. I either have to squeeze it in at 5am or hope that ds naps long enough I can sneak a 30min workout in. I joined this site to have more adult interaction, and will look for a place I fit in and can have some good conversation or an interest group I will enjoy. A marriage is suppose to be give and take, I've given everything and he's done nothing to be supportive the last 10months. Sometimes it's nice to have a little help.

 

Clays6
by on Apr. 9, 2014 at 12:35 PM
I'm very much a people pleaser, so not sure how I feel about possibly hurting him or making him angry but I do see what you're saying.

Maybe if I start with leaving him alone with our son he'll realize just how much work being a SAHM really is and I won't have to put my foot down as hard about the other things? I know I need to talk to him about the way I feel he's treating me, but I also don't want to hurt him.

Quoting Crazylife1994:

Sweetie you need to put your foot down. Stop tip toeing around his feelings. First stop giving him the option of taking care of his own child. Whether or not you work inside or outside the house this baby was created by you and your husband.


You need to do things for yourself because you will lose yourself if you don't.


As for him.


I would flat out say I will not be treated like discarded trash by you. All the extra weight is because I carried your child not anyone else's your child. So you can get over your superficial bullshit.  I deserve to be treated with love and respect. You do not have the right to make me feel like garbage.


 


Stand up for yourself. Find yourself again. Stop asking him to watch the baby. Just say I'm heading to the gym. Have fun with the baby and leave.


Quoting Clays6: Yes I do know. However, I am not depressed. I've lived with depression, but this is not one of those times. Am I needy? Maybe so, but when you were receiving that kind of attention and more, then it stops for no good reason I think I have a right to know why I'm no longer good enough. I'm not unhappy about my extra 30lbs, he is. Would I like it gone? Yes, but I don't hate it and I don't feel like I look fat. I never wore make up before I met him and I won't start now just to make him happy. It's hard to have a hobby when dh can't take 1hr to watch his own son without complaining. I started going to the gym just for him. All the sign up for a gym talk was annoying. Turns out I really enjoy it, but now he won't watch ds so I can go. I either have to squeeze it in at 5am or hope that ds naps long enough I can sneak a 30min workout in. I joined this site to have more adult interaction, and will look for a place I fit in and can have some good conversation or an interest group I will enjoy. A marriage is suppose to be give and take, I've given everything and he's done nothing to be supportive the last 10months. Sometimes it's nice to have a little help.

 

ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Apr. 9, 2014 at 1:11 PM
It sounds like he was honest with you, he doesn't find you physically attractive anymore.

Trying to push someone who doesn't want to go to church into attending will do nothing but send them running the other direction.


Quoting Clays6: He's really not. He does laundry, but I fold and put away. Don't get my wrong I'm thankful for that but sometimes I wish he'd finish the job. Or even just start picking up after himself. His mom coddled him and did everything for him. In some ways she still does. However my mil is a whole set of different problems and dh just makes excuses for her.

I know it runs deeper than physical issues, money is kind of tight right now because we needed to replace my car. We'll be fine but dh always worries because he is so use to his mom paying for everything he still doesn't fully understand what it costs to live independantly from a parent.

Maybe I could talk him into counseling, however I'm still trying to talk him into going to church. Doesn't hurt to ask I suppose. I just wish he'd tell the whole truth and not tell me what he thinks I want to hear or a half version of the truth.
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