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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

i am considering an affair over his devotion to video games

Posted by on Apr. 10, 2014 at 4:15 AM
  • 38 Replies
I've been faithful for 17 years, he cheated w younger woman few years back. His best friend lives here, also his mother in our kids room so they sleep with me. My husband is a refugee with ptsd and anger issues. Tonight I hear him again playing xbox until 4 am, third nite in a row, but can and often will be 6 nights of the week. He played video games w friend on our wedding night while I, pregnant w our second, cried myself to sleep.
I realize this is deeper than the games, but he doesn't make enough income to pay for even a cheap apartment and legally moved back in here after our separation few years back as we weren't divorced. I miss sex as it's once to twice a month as he stinks from cheap beer and sleeps til 2 and
Has stomach issues daily. When we do hook up there's no desire there, just a sense of him performing husbandly duties. I have a roommate man child and need a husband and father to my boys.
I'm not a saint in all this, but feel so depressed and undesirable and unfulfilled that maybe an affair may give me the spark I need to wake up from this box and take my life back. My mom died a few months ago, and tho I have a nursing degree I can't break this apathy and resentment toward my choices to sacrifice my life to a guy that I feel can't give me what I need. I'm 39 and feeling my mortality and possibility of ever having the real thing dwindle.
by on Apr. 10, 2014 at 4:15 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Redrose5
by New Member on Apr. 10, 2014 at 4:21 AM
1 mom liked this
When I read the title, my first thought was DO IT, but warn him first. He doesn't deserve a woman at all, though after reading the post
MelanieJK
by on Apr. 10, 2014 at 4:33 AM
2 moms liked this

I don't think affairs are the solution to anything.      Do you really think an affair will make you want to save your marriage?     Or are you thinking it'll spur (and/or force) you to get out of it?  

I think you're wallowing in self pity and using it to justify having an affair.      The fact that your husband cheated doesn't make it right for you to cheat.     If you want out of your marriage,   get out of it and then move forward.  

PinkArzora
by New Member on Apr. 10, 2014 at 7:32 AM

I do think it would spur me to get out of the marriage. He is comfortable using my father's home to let his mom, best friend, and himself live here. I am stuck in an apathetic, self-pitying loop that I thought a taste of anything better than this would give me the motivation to get out. I agree the proper thing is to get out first, i just find he manipulates me into staying when I've tried before. He also has anger issues, so once the process starts it won't be pretty, so that's another nail in the box that keeps me here.

As I write this i realize that it would not be a nice thing to do to a third party to suck them into an ugly drama. I know psychologically I need to face myself, especially my coping device, alcohol, and be a better person to even be in any future relationship. I'm just reaching for anything that can revive what's left of a broken, sad person. Honestly I am really funny when I get going, an awesome cook and artist, but I am stuck in this circle of hate and resentment as we fight more than anything. The anger is it's own addiction. He is not at all a humorous person, watches the ID channel constantly, and I feel like I've utterly lost myself in this black hole. There's not a person I am thinking of as a potential lover, btw, just a fantasy of that guy who could reignite the spark and wake me up from this empty marriage.

HopesNDreams
by New Member on Apr. 10, 2014 at 7:49 AM
7 moms liked this
Why on earth would you give a man with anger issues and PTSD legitimate reason to be angry and act out against you? Why would you give him legitimate cause to divorce you and be the victim?

You know what words and games he will use to manipulate you, so be prepared for them. Save money for the separation and hide it. Consult a lawyer and prepare to evict all of your renters. Take 'before' pictures of every inch of your home and property in case they damage it in the time they have before eviction.

An affair will not give you strength to leave him. It will take more of you away from your children. You need to be a good role model for them. Start planning the next phase of your life today.
starreyedcutie
by Bronze Member on Apr. 10, 2014 at 7:55 AM
5 moms liked this
Why a affair? Why not just leave? In my opinion affairs are for cowards...and i dont mean that to sound disrespectful but if you are that unhappy...deal with it. Either you want to be with him or you dont. If youre considerung sleeping with someone else then you dont love your husband. End it before you start something with another man.
UCFknight
by Silver Member on Apr. 10, 2014 at 10:48 AM
1 mom liked this

You don't need an affair. You need to tell him how you feel and then hand him divorce papers. You shouldn't be having to live like that. We are all given one life to live. You and your kids deserve better, even if it's alone. He doesn't seem like much of a husband anyways. If he was getting help, then maybe you could stay. But he sounds like he is comfortable doing the bare minimum to get by. Just walk away, with your head held high. Don't resort to something so degrading as an affair.

IQuitCounting
by Bronze Member on Apr. 10, 2014 at 10:59 AM
1 mom liked this

He needs help, and you need a life.  And by that I mean if would serve both of you better if you were to seek out help for him (if he has PTSD then the video games and such are his drug, his escape, essentially he's an addict) so that he can get his life back you could move on with yours without the guilt.

ambcortez
by Bronze Member on Apr. 10, 2014 at 2:23 PM

I don't think an affair will save your marriage, but counceling might. 

raschwittay
by Member on Apr. 10, 2014 at 2:30 PM
It's your dad's house. Take charge of your life! Kick everyone out and if he starts his crap, call the cops and let them get him out.

At this rate, you're going to die an early painful death followed by your children who are probably as miserable as you.

Tell your husband how you feel and this can end badly or civil.
OrganicMomma247
by on Apr. 10, 2014 at 2:55 PM
This.

Quoting HopesNDreams: Why on earth would you give a man with anger issues and PTSD legitimate reason to be angry and act out against you? Why would you give him legitimate cause to divorce you and be the victim?

You know what words and games he will use to manipulate you, so be prepared for them. Save money for the separation and hide it. Consult a lawyer and prepare to evict all of your renters. Take 'before' pictures of every inch of your home and property in case they damage it in the time they have before eviction.

An affair will not give you strength to leave him. It will take more of you away from your children. You need to be a good role model for them. Start planning the next phase of your life today.
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