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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Due to my breastfeeding and cosleeping, my marriage is starting to suffer.

Posted by on Apr. 10, 2014 at 3:18 PM
  • 31 Replies
DH has moved to the couch and fullfilling his intimate needs with porn. How do I get my DS to fall asleep on his own without having to nurse to sleep? How can I get him to sleep in his crib when he screams whenever I put him in it? Don't want my marriage to erode any further with my DS still cosleeping (11 months old). Need to get our bed back to just me and DH. Our house is small. A lot of the reason DS cosleeps is because he doesn't have a bedroom.
by on Apr. 10, 2014 at 3:18 PM
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Replies (1-10):
owl0210
by Member on Apr. 10, 2014 at 3:21 PM
6 moms liked this
You just do it and eventually your son will learn to sleep on his own. I never co-slept so I can't relate but I can understand why your husband is feeling the way that he does. I'm not excusing his porn because that is another topic for discussion but it's important to maintain that level of intimacy after birth. Your son is almost a year old and shouldn't need to be nursed to sleep at that age.
BonitaM
by Platinum Member on Apr. 10, 2014 at 3:35 PM
2 moms liked this

DD is 8 and still co-sleeps with me.  I don't know how to get him out of your bed but I'd tell DH to wait til DS is asleep and then go to another room and have some fun.  No reason you can't have the best of both worlds until you figure out how to get him to sleep in his own bed.  Good luck.

furbabymum
by Gold Member on Apr. 10, 2014 at 3:52 PM
3 moms liked this

 Well my DD is also 11 months and I'm bfnig. About the only times she nurses are in the morning, at lunch before nap and before bed. I nurse her, set her in her crib and sing to her until she's asleep. For our DS we used to sit and read to him until he was asleep. We wouldn't even read kid books. I think our DS learned all about finances and toxicology. lol So, do that. Of course he'll cry but he'll get used to it. Just make sure you're close and sing and eventually he'll go to sleep. Then eventually he won't be distraught to be in his own bed.

mrs.hartman12
by on Apr. 10, 2014 at 4:31 PM

http://drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html

I used this method and it worked wonderfully for us. 

Also you need to talk to your dh, really talk. Regardless of the sleeping arrangments there is obviously a huge disconnect in your marriage. We have co-slept for two years straight and going on a third. There is no reason for your marriage to fall apart over where you sleep and no reason to not have sex. 

KLove_Mom
by Member on Apr. 10, 2014 at 4:46 PM

You and DH need to talk through some solutions and find what will work for you. If it's not working to talk it through by yourselves, then you may need a counselor's help. 

There are 2 issues that go together... your marriage and your co-parenting. They are not exclusive to each other.

I've heard lots of friends with baby sleep issues recommend the book: Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Baby 

But the marriage issue is of concern. 

1. If neither one of you are sleeping well, communication will suffer.

2. If sex needs (whatever those are for you or DH) are not being met by the other person, they will seek fulfillment from another source. If that's not ok with you... you have to talk about how to make sure they are met.
Night time in bed is not the only place/time to have sex. Maybe you make visits to the couch after DS is asleep.

3. Disagreements about how to parent will arise at every age. When they are 2 it will be when/how to potty train. You need to learn to talk to each other and agree on parenting solutions. 

If/When you decide to change sleeping arrangements of DS... give it 2 weeks of whatever you decide. 
I've found that most changes like this take about 3 nights worth of lots of crying before they settle down. So if you give yourself 2 weeks, it should all work out just fine. 

withsecond
by on Apr. 10, 2014 at 4:50 PM
1 mom liked this

He needs to learn to fall asleep on his own. 

What I did was gave them a routine so they'd know it was bedtime. Brush teeth, put on a pull up (or diaper) get pj's on and read a book. 

I'd put them in the crib which of course lead to crying as soon as I left the room. 

I'd let them cry for 3 minutes, go in and lay them back down. Tell them I love them but it's bedtime and leave. 

I'd up the time by 3 minutes so I'd wait 6 minutes before I'd go back in. 

I'd go in, say I love you goodnight and leave. 

Then, up the time by 3 more minutes. So wait 9 minutes before going on and then just lay them down, say goodnight and leave. 

I'd again, add 3 minutes on to the time. I wouldn't go any longer than 15 minutes before going back in. So, if they did get to 15 minutes, I'd just wait another 15 before going back in. 

Honestly, I only got to 15 minutes one night. 

It worked really well with my kids. They usually dozed off after the 12 minute mark. Eventually, they just stopped fighting it and fell asleep and I didn't have to go back in at all. 

polkaspots
by Bronze Member on Apr. 10, 2014 at 5:12 PM
You should have started putting him in his own bed at bedtime months ago. And your husband never puts your little one to sleep? That's odd.
You can nurse him to sleep and put him in his own bed. I did that with all three of mine. They went in their own bed at bedtime and came back in with us to nurse when they woke up hungry.
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TommyAbby
by Melissa on Apr. 10, 2014 at 5:31 PM

Do you have a crib for him? Someplace where that child can sleep on his own?

I never coslept. I can't fathom what you are going through. Have you thought about leaving the baby to sleep and then going onto the couch for some fun time? Or kitchen table.. counter tops.. washing machine??? Anywhere else other than your bed?


Clubpenguin
by Member on Apr. 10, 2014 at 5:35 PM
After baby is asleep join your dh on the couch. We recently got our bed back after the cosleepers left lol.it worked for us to wait til everyone was asleep.
ILovemyPaulie
by on Apr. 10, 2014 at 5:39 PM

He can start whole milk soon and you can get him a crib. My kids were out of my room at 3 months and 6 months. Just get a baby monitor. I formula fed them both too. This way Daddy could do all the night feedings since he's a night owl. Worked well for us. The earlier you get them to sleep in their own bed the better/easier. You could start by letting him fall asleep in your bed and when he falls asleep just transfer him to his crib in his own room.


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