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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

tell me about toxic relationships

Posted by on May. 17, 2014 at 8:40 AM
  • 11 Replies
Bear with me, please. Sorry for the length.

I'm divorced after twenty eight years of marriage. It wasn't all good, but it wasn't all bad, either.

My youngest is in a relationship with T. She is nearly 21, a college student, very intelligent, but emotionally has a hard time letting go. The divorce was very hard on her, she was around 11 when the marriage really started getting bad, listened to her father's BS about me, etc.

When she and T hit it off, she felt she had found someone who truly understood what she'd been through. She gave him her virginity. She practically lived with his family for a year. I learned his own father pretty much abandoned the family, and his stepdad is pretty much a loser too, so his mother is twice divorced but the loser stepdad has no real place of his own, drinks, sleeps on the sofa, etc.

I am learning that T says some pretty cruel stuff to dd. That she's psycho, that she doesn't deserve tgis and that. That kid has put her down so many times, and finally he dumped her. She was devastated but pulled herself up, went to counseling at schoool, and worked to make herself better. Then T decides he screwed up and wants her back. She agreed, except that she has not made it an 'official' relationship because she knows they both need to work on things. He agreed to work to change.

Last night they got in a huge fight. Everytime she thinks they have plans for just the two of them, he invited his friends along, too, or just goes off with his friends and leaves her alone. She got ssick of it, was devasated, and demnds better treatment. T thinks he is doing nothing wrong, and says if she leaves, she'll just be back, just like always.

I told her if he's not meeting her needs, isn't willing to meet her needs, and truly isn't changing, then there's nothing there and it' s time to.move on. What is there to love about him? She says she still loves everything about him. Everything. She's not afraid of being alone. When they split, she had other guys interested in her, and she said she always mentally compared them to him to see if they measured up.

I know we experience relationships based on how our parents behaved in a relationship, but this just blows my mind. My marriage to her father was never this bad

I cannot figure out why she still wants to be with T. I've told her to take a break and some time to figure out why she is still in love with him, but I know she will go right back to this.

Can anyone out there help me figure this out? Why do women go back to men who are so emotionally abusive? I wonder how much of this is my fault for putting up with crap from her father, but she also ought to see that I didnt put up with it when it got bad, and demanded (and got) better for myself.

Thoughts?
by on May. 17, 2014 at 8:40 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Hottmomma607
by Trica on May. 17, 2014 at 2:40 PM
I can't say I personally experienced this. But seen my friend go through this. Your DD could be simply trying to hang onto him.
She can't save and change him. You're right they need to be apart. Sorry I don't have any aadvice. I hope she sees the light soon?
booaura
by Bronze Member on May. 17, 2014 at 2:42 PM
1 mom liked this
He's her first, she doesn't want to believe its over, she has low self esteem and thinks she may not find anyone else. You can't do anything but be there for her.
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MomToovey
by Marianne on May. 17, 2014 at 5:09 PM

 I think she should keep going to that counseling. Sounds to me more like she has a low self esteem and perhaps believes that the crap he gives her really is all she deserves, even when she demands more.

You're right, she needs time for herself. She's still very young. She needs to figure out who she is and how to take care of herself, before she lets anyone else in. Until she can realize this on her own, the best thing you can do is be there for her.

ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on May. 17, 2014 at 5:49 PM

She's still too young to know better. This is an example of why I don't think anyone should marry before they are 30, and find themselves first before they do. 

It isn't your fault at all, and don't you for one second believe that it is. I blamed my parent's example of a relationship for a long time, and blamed my Mom for showing me that it is ok to accept verbal abuse. A few years back I realized that it wasn't her fault at all, and that my life and how it goes is up to me. Of course, I was past 30 when I came to the realization, but whatever. I still came to that conclusion, all on my own.

chaotic.mind
by Member on May. 18, 2014 at 10:43 AM

I don't think it's your fault at all.

My father was a complete asshole to my mother and while I did date some major assholes, I didn't put up with it. Once they started to treat me like shit, I left.

She will come around and get sick of being treated badly, it just sucks for you to have to watch her go through it.

I also know of a couple of woman that grew up with stable, happy parents that chose to be with assholes.

MMerrill
by Melissa on May. 18, 2014 at 6:21 PM

OK this is my train of thought as a 22 year old female that has been there before... I will try and make this short.

My parents divorced when I was 1 year old.  Had some sort of weird on and off relationship for years after that.  My dad married a women a few years later and my mom married another man.  At the time I was living with my mom and my step dad was very abusive.  It took them over 10 years to divorce.  My dad and his wife at the time also divorced a few years later and again my mom and dad each remarried new people.  

Well as a kid growing up with the abuse of my step-father and watching the numerous marriages of my parents, it showed me what NOT to do in life/relationships/marriages.  That is what made me decide that once I was in a serious relationship, engagement or marriage that I was going to be the exception and stick things out through think and thin with that person no matter what!

I had "serious" boyfriends in highschool, who's drama I put up with, etc, but none as serious as the man I dated before my husband.  Him and I together, as far as our personalities were perfect together.  I thought that was enough to sustain us and I wanted to marry him.  Which it is important to "click" as far as personalities, (humor, likes, tastes, etc) but our morals and values were WAY different.  I was a Christian and he actually mocked any and all religion.  He cheated on his previous girlfriend of 8 years (multiple times) and I've never cheated on anyone.  I loved and wanted kids, he did not.  I looked past all of those things though.

Well come to find out, he was a complete and total jerk.  On top of all that he lied, cheated, etc.  I believed he "loved" me, but I believe his inner issues were too much for him to overcome and for me to handle.  Yet I stuck it out for 2.5 years (which was a long time for someone my age at the time), because I thought I was being the exception.  I thought that is what people do when they love someone, I didn't want to be like my parents.  I was HAPPILY putting up with his crap too.  To add... my own mother was in a fit of rage the whole time I was seeing this guy.  Every time she voiced her concerns and told me to leave him, I would tell her that I wasn't going to give up like she did at my age with my father.  It only made me want to try harder to save my relationship.

I mean don't get me wrong, the first time I caught him cheating and lying, I was mad as hell and walked out.  But the next day I returned with all the willingness in the world to work it out and truely forgive him.  Then it happened again and I was a little more harsh with him.  I didn't go back right away...I began hanging out on the town with friends and ignoring him, but I still had planned on going back.

When I was angry, I would actually tell him that one day I would wake up and I wouldn't love him anymore because deep down I knew... yet every day I fought like hell to keep our relationship because I didn't want to be like my parents and the rest of the world that seems to give up so easily in relationships.  Then one day, it was like a light switch flipped on in my brain.  Yes, it's good to try and stick things out and to forgive, look past flaws, etc but there is a LINE you have to draw at some point.

Weather it is demanding things get better or getting the hell out.  In my situation, demanding he act better would do nothing, that man was far too messed up.  So finally, I drew that line for myself and I never looked back.  I literally woke up one day and was done putting up with the crap for the sake of being the exception.  I never talked to him again.


To date, it's one of the most important lessons I've ever learned about myself, relationships and life.  That man TORE me down and I spent 1.5 years (more than half of the duration of our relationship) building myself back up.  Then I met my husband and realized how relationships and men are supposed to be.  All I can say about your daughter, is maybe she is going through the same thing.  Maybe she is trying to do what is best in her mind, not knowing that it is enabling him and/or making things worse in the long run.  Maybe she thinks she is being the exception, loving him through thick and thin, not realizing that there HAS to be a line.  Give her time, she will come to figure it out.

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LadyBast
by Brenda on May. 18, 2014 at 8:35 PM

I wish I had an answer to that one, my sister did the same thing even after her hubby was a BF to start with hit beat her and then made her loose 2 or 3 babies by beating her and knocking her down stairs so I have no idea I think it is how they feel this is their first REAL love and they think it has to be this one and no one else!

JMO on this I talked to my sister and finally she moved away to FL from OH and was with us but got involved again w/another guy that controls her and I have not spoken to her in I would say 10 years... So sad I love her and wish we were close like we used to be.. But it is him...

Good luck on this one but I think it is the first real love thing... I would try to talk to her again and make her see the light before it is too late... Hugs

bjane01
by Member on May. 19, 2014 at 12:34 AM
1 mom liked this
Abusive relationships are fairly addictive. It is a pychological condition. It has to do with a variable reinforcement schedule. With toxic relationships, the highs are spectacular and the lows devastating. The woman is always trying to get back the fantastic love she thought she had. It always seems that if she just tries harder then it will just get better and she will have her fairy tale love that she thought she had found.

The strongest and smartest women even fall prey.

I suggest that you support her and just love her. She has to make the decision to leave on her own. But maybe she needs educated on toxic relationships. The next time she is fighting with him point out it is mental abuse. Look up mental abuse if you can before. Look up narcissism. Look up abuser. Arm yourself with facts you can give her. But do not expect her to leave just at your word.

When I relayed an episode of mental abuse from my husband to my sister, she got angry and told me that he was abusing me and that he was narcissistic. (She did not know the half of it) I was so mad at her for not supporting my marriage I refused to speak to her for 2 months. But I eventally looked up mental abuse and narcissism and I put the puzzle pieces together on my own. I had to leave when I was mentally ready. I was so relieved when she 100% supported me with no I told you so's. I left him 3 times before I got out for good. It has been a hell of a jouney to get him out of my life, get over him, and basically get over my addiction to him. My family supported me and accepted me in my flawed thinking. That made a huge difference for me.















SlightlyPerfect
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by Slightly Perfect on May. 19, 2014 at 7:45 AM
I think she just needs time to figure out what she is worth. You can help her on that journey, but only she can determine her worth.
DionneGilbert22
by Member on May. 19, 2014 at 9:44 AM
I agree with this.

Quoting bjane01: Abusive relationships are fairly addictive. It is a pychological condition. It has to do with a variable reinforcement schedule. With toxic relationships, the highs are spectacular and the lows devastating. The woman is always trying to get back the fantastic love she thought she had. It always seems that if she just tries harder then it will just get better and she will have her fairy tale love that she thought she had found.

The strongest and smartest women even fall prey.

I suggest that you support her and just love her. She has to make the decision to leave on her own. But maybe she needs educated on toxic relationships. The next time she is fighting with him point out it is mental abuse. Look up mental abuse if you can before. Look up narcissism. Look up abuser. Arm yourself with facts you can give her. But do not expect her to leave just at your word.

When I relayed an episode of mental abuse from my husband to my sister, she got angry and told me that he was abusing me and that he was narcissistic. (She did not know the half of it) I was so mad at her for not supporting my marriage I refused to speak to her for 2 months. But I eventally looked up mental abuse and narcissism and I put the puzzle pieces together on my own. I had to leave when I was mentally ready. I was so relieved when she 100% supported me with no I told you so's. I left him 3 times before I got out for good. It has been a hell of a jouney to get him out of my life, get over him, and basically get over my addiction to him. My family supported me and accepted me in my flawed thinking. That made a huge difference for me.















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