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tell me about toxic relationships

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Bear with me, please. Sorry for the length.

I'm divorced after twenty eight years of marriage. It wasn't all good, but it wasn't all bad, either.

My youngest is in a relationship with T. She is nearly 21, a college student, very intelligent, but emotionally has a hard time letting go. The divorce was very hard on her, she was around 11 when the marriage really started getting bad, listened to her father's BS about me, etc.

When she and T hit it off, she felt she had found someone who truly understood what she'd been through. She gave him her virginity. She practically lived with his family for a year. I learned his own father pretty much abandoned the family, and his stepdad is pretty much a loser too, so his mother is twice divorced but the loser stepdad has no real place of his own, drinks, sleeps on the sofa, etc.

I am learning that T says some pretty cruel stuff to dd. That she's psycho, that she doesn't deserve tgis and that. That kid has put her down so many times, and finally he dumped her. She was devastated but pulled herself up, went to counseling at schoool, and worked to make herself better. Then T decides he screwed up and wants her back. She agreed, except that she has not made it an 'official' relationship because she knows they both need to work on things. He agreed to work to change.

Last night they got in a huge fight. Everytime she thinks they have plans for just the two of them, he invited his friends along, too, or just goes off with his friends and leaves her alone. She got ssick of it, was devasated, and demnds better treatment. T thinks he is doing nothing wrong, and says if she leaves, she'll just be back, just like always.

I told her if he's not meeting her needs, isn't willing to meet her needs, and truly isn't changing, then there's nothing there and it' s time to.move on. What is there to love about him? She says she still loves everything about him. Everything. She's not afraid of being alone. When they split, she had other guys interested in her, and she said she always mentally compared them to him to see if they measured up.

I know we experience relationships based on how our parents behaved in a relationship, but this just blows my mind. My marriage to her father was never this bad

I cannot figure out why she still wants to be with T. I've told her to take a break and some time to figure out why she is still in love with him, but I know she will go right back to this.

Can anyone out there help me figure this out? Why do women go back to men who are so emotionally abusive? I wonder how much of this is my fault for putting up with crap from her father, but she also ought to see that I didnt put up with it when it got bad, and demanded (and got) better for myself.

by on May. 17, 2014 at 8:40 AM
Replies (11-11):
by on May. 19, 2014 at 9:52 AM
Well since I'm 21 until this Thursday, I can give you some insight coming from a 21 year old.

When I lost my virginity at 17, I was addicted to the guy I gave it up to. Yet I knew it was lust not love. I cried and acted a fool over him. I tried to let him go but then he started showing up at my mom's apartment uninvited. When I left for college, I knew I would be over him. He kept calling my phone. Well anyway, when certain young women first lose their virginity, they think the guy is the love of their lives. We get caught up in this trance thinking that we're supposed to love that guy out of this world.

I woke up one day and realized that I don't need that man. She needs to wake up and really smell the coffee. Like really smell the coffee. She's caught in a trance right now. Encourage her to keep taking counseling and keep supporting her. She will cry and stuff but she'll come through and realize that she deserves better treatment.
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