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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

I'm in love with a cheater... Need advice

Posted by on Jul. 2, 2014 at 6:48 PM
  • 72 Replies
This really grinds my gears, my husband and I have been separated for about a month, month and a half maybe. He intiated the separation saying that I don't clean well enough for him. Our daughter has Been with family so that we could get caught up on bills and put in as much hours working. The stress built up on me as I am not making much financially, minimum wage and going to school, just two more years until I graduate with a BS in biochemistry. I've been doing my best with school and juggling work with family. I can't exactly clean every square inch of our apartment every single day. After school was done, I went back home to deal with the separation in solitude with our daughter and my mom helping me out by not asking for money or anything, she just let me be sad and sleep all day, I only woke up to eat one meal a day and to run twice a day. I showered only once every two days. Eventually I sook out my MIL and had a talk with her and FIL, they told me to be positive and eventually things would work out, to trust in god and believe that it'll get better and assured me that it would. Now, our DD and I came back with my husband because school is about to start and I need to work to save in case this marriage is over. We've been here a couple days, I've been walking on eggshells with cleaning and cooking and housework. He's been nice and okay, we went swimming with our daughter and had a blast, I believed everything would be great and that this marriage would trump the past couple of months of our fallout. He came to me two nights in a row for sex, it's been a month since we last did, so of course I let him and we did. Every time afterward, I was crying to cuddle and to kiss him and to just be near him as a wife and not some sex doll in the next room. I'd ask myself why I was allowing him to do this to me with no real talk about what will happen next with marriage. Today, I was cleaning and going into a heavier detail with organizing and scrubbing walls and the fridge and sink, whatnot and I started doing laundry. I wasn't sure about his laundry because I've been trying to keep my distance and kind of show him the struggle he'd be in without my help. So I just decided, "I'll be nice and do it for him, he works 12 hours a day, whynot?", I was incredibly shocked when I found 3 opened condoms in his pants pocket. For one thing, I have never accused him of cheating nor have I ever suspected he would cheat especially being married and all. Now this really killed my heart. I can feel it breaking inside and I can't breathe. I can't believe this has happened and in a way I'm glad I know. My thoughts are all over the place, do I leave and just divorce or should I stay and figure out if he wants to try to work things out? Right now I feel strong and like I can get through this with or without him. I love him and the person he is and the person he makes me strive to be. Now I'm not even sure about what kind of relationship I want with him.

Have you been cheated on and stayed and worked it out or did you leave and feel you made the right choice at the time?

On my phone so sorry, no paragraphs. Not sure if anything is even in a good story mode. Just need advice. :(
by on Jul. 2, 2014 at 6:48 PM
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Replies (1-10):
TommyAbby
by Melissa on Jul. 2, 2014 at 8:31 PM
1 mom liked this

Are you sure he was cheating and not just using them for masturbation? (no mess)

You assume before you have even talked to him. Show him what you found and see what he says.

Pixi-goddess
by Member on Jul. 3, 2014 at 12:54 AM
There is a book called wild at heart that may help... It helps explain a lot of stuff an has helped me and my husband

Quoting tanishalargo: This really grinds my gears, my husband and I have been separated for about a month, month and a half maybe. He intiated the separation saying that I don't clean well enough for him. Our daughter has Been with family so that we could get caught up on bills and put in as much hours working. The stress built up on me as I am not making much financially, minimum wage and going to school, just two more years until I graduate with a BS in biochemistry. I've been doing my best with school and juggling work with family. I can't exactly clean every square inch of our apartment every single day. After school was done, I went back home to deal with the separation in solitude with our daughter and my mom helping me out by not asking for money or anything, she just let me be sad and sleep all day, I only woke up to eat one meal a day and to run twice a day. I showered only once every two days. Eventually I sook out my MIL and had a talk with her and FIL, they told me to be positive and eventually things would work out, to trust in god and believe that it'll get better and assured me that it would. Now, our DD and I came back with my husband because school is about to start and I need to work to save in case this marriage is over. We've been here a couple days, I've been walking on eggshells with cleaning and cooking and housework. He's been nice and okay, we went swimming with our daughter and had a blast, I believed everything would be great and that this marriage would trump the past couple of months of our fallout. He came to me two nights in a row for sex, it's been a month since we last did, so of course I let him and we did. Every time afterward, I was crying to cuddle and to kiss him and to just be near him as a wife and not some sex doll in the next room. I'd ask myself why I was allowing him to do this to me with no real talk about what will happen next with marriage. Today, I was cleaning and going into a heavier detail with organizing and scrubbing walls and the fridge and sink, whatnot and I started doing laundry. I wasn't sure about his laundry because I've been trying to keep my distance and kind of show him the struggle he'd be in without my help. So I just decided, "I'll be nice and do it for him, he works 12 hours a day, whynot?", I was incredibly shocked when I found 3 opened condoms in his pants pocket. For one thing, I have never accused him of cheating nor have I ever suspected he would cheat especially being married and all. Now this really killed my heart. I can feel it breaking inside and I can't breathe. I can't believe this has happened and in a way I'm glad I know. My thoughts are all over the place, do I leave and just divorce or should I stay and figure out if he wants to try to work things out? Right now I feel strong and like I can get through this with or without him. I love him and the person he is and the person he makes me strive to be. Now I'm not even sure about what kind of relationship I want with him.

Have you been cheated on and stayed and worked it out or did you leave and feel you made the right choice at the time?

On my phone so sorry, no paragraphs. Not sure if anything is even in a good story mode. Just need advice. :(
tanishalargo
by Member on Jul. 3, 2014 at 2:17 AM
He says he did. He didn't get defensive or anything over me finding them. He told me he didn't mean to hurt me and asked if I wanted to stay married and work it out. I really am not sure, I'm still in shock. He always came back from work with stories of one of his coworkers always cheating on his girlfriend and I always knew and felt like my husband was one of the good guys and would never cheat on me. Now I have all these questions about who she is, was is it here in my home, my bed, how it started, whether or not he even thought of how this would effect me or what. I have so many thoughts that come up, I can't even look him in the eyes. I feel dirty now. I feel like going in to see a doctor and take a test to see if I caught any STD's. :(( I'm going to make him go with me on his next day off to both get checked. This has always been my biggest fear and why i thought deeply about having sex with him the first time. Like if he is the one that I want to spend my life with because I don't want any std's from anyone else. I'm so broken and can't help but think about it. I barely ate dinner, 5 bites to be exact. I want to see how this goes, I can't believe it. I don't think I'll ever trust him again. I just want to snoop through his phone and search everything. This is extremely painful, I never expected something like this.

Quoting TommyAbby:

Are you sure he was cheating and not just using them for masturbation? (no mess)

You assume before you have even talked to him. Show him what you found and see what he says.

tanishalargo
by Member on Jul. 3, 2014 at 2:20 AM
Thank you. I'll look for it in the morning. Do you both read it or just one of you? I really want to try therapy, I hope he agrees to go with me. I still cannot believe it. I keep shaking my head hoping that it was made up in my head.

Quoting Pixi-goddess: There is a book called wild at heart that may help... It helps explain a lot of stuff an has helped me and my husband

Quoting tanishalargo: This really grinds my gears, my husband and I have been separated for about a month, month and a half maybe. He intiated the separation saying that I don't clean well enough for him. Our daughter has Been with family so that we could get caught up on bills and put in as much hours working. The stress built up on me as I am not making much financially, minimum wage and going to school, just two more years until I graduate with a BS in biochemistry. I've been doing my best with school and juggling work with family. I can't exactly clean every square inch of our apartment every single day. After school was done, I went back home to deal with the separation in solitude with our daughter and my mom helping me out by not asking for money or anything, she just let me be sad and sleep all day, I only woke up to eat one meal a day and to run twice a day. I showered only once every two days. Eventually I sook out my MIL and had a talk with her and FIL, they told me to be positive and eventually things would work out, to trust in god and believe that it'll get better and assured me that it would. Now, our DD and I came back with my husband because school is about to start and I need to work to save in case this marriage is over. We've been here a couple days, I've been walking on eggshells with cleaning and cooking and housework. He's been nice and okay, we went swimming with our daughter and had a blast, I believed everything would be great and that this marriage would trump the past couple of months of our fallout. He came to me two nights in a row for sex, it's been a month since we last did, so of course I let him and we did. Every time afterward, I was crying to cuddle and to kiss him and to just be near him as a wife and not some sex doll in the next room. I'd ask myself why I was allowing him to do this to me with no real talk about what will happen next with marriage. Today, I was cleaning and going into a heavier detail with organizing and scrubbing walls and the fridge and sink, whatnot and I started doing laundry. I wasn't sure about his laundry because I've been trying to keep my distance and kind of show him the struggle he'd be in without my help. So I just decided, "I'll be nice and do it for him, he works 12 hours a day, whynot?", I was incredibly shocked when I found 3 opened condoms in his pants pocket. For one thing, I have never accused him of cheating nor have I ever suspected he would cheat especially being married and all. Now this really killed my heart. I can feel it breaking inside and I can't breathe. I can't believe this has happened and in a way I'm glad I know. My thoughts are all over the place, do I leave and just divorce or should I stay and figure out if he wants to try to work things out? Right now I feel strong and like I can get through this with or without him. I love him and the person he is and the person he makes me strive to be. Now I'm not even sure about what kind of relationship I want with him.

Have you been cheated on and stayed and worked it out or did you leave and feel you made the right choice at the time?

On my phone so sorry, no paragraphs. Not sure if anything is even in a good story mode. Just need advice. :(
TommyAbby
by Melissa on Jul. 3, 2014 at 7:09 AM

Def go for couples therapy and perhaps for yourself to work through this. 

Staying with him all depends on how you and he deal with this. If he is honest and open and shows remorse, I do believe you have a chance of saving what you have. 

I am curious as to how long you two have been married..


Quoting tanishalargo: He says he did. He didn't get defensive or anything over me finding them. He told me he didn't mean to hurt me and asked if I wanted to stay married and work it out. I really am not sure, I'm still in shock. He always came back from work with stories of one of his coworkers always cheating on his girlfriend and I always knew and felt like my husband was one of the good guys and would never cheat on me. Now I have all these questions about who she is, was is it here in my home, my bed, how it started, whether or not he even thought of how this would effect me or what. I have so many thoughts that come up, I can't even look him in the eyes. I feel dirty now. I feel like going in to see a doctor and take a test to see if I caught any STD's. :(( I'm going to make him go with me on his next day off to both get checked. This has always been my biggest fear and why i thought deeply about having sex with him the first time. Like if he is the one that I want to spend my life with because I don't want any std's from anyone else. I'm so broken and can't help but think about it. I barely ate dinner, 5 bites to be exact. I want to see how this goes, I can't believe it. I don't think I'll ever trust him again. I just want to snoop through his phone and search everything. This is extremely painful, I never expected something like this.
Quoting TommyAbby:

Are you sure he was cheating and not just using them for masturbation? (no mess)

You assume before you have even talked to him. Show him what you found and see what he says.


tanishalargo
by Member on Jul. 3, 2014 at 7:27 AM
We've been together for several and a half years, only married several and a half months. He's been my one and only since then. And I was his until now. This is extremely painful, I can't help but think about it. I can't look at him or kiss him without thinking about her, whoever she is. My thoughts will always be whether or not he's comparing me or if he likes her better or if she was more experienced with multiple partners or what. I'm so pissed and devastated. I'm starting therapy on my own first and just want to see how it goes, eventually start taking him with me.

Quoting TommyAbby:

Def go for couples therapy and perhaps for yourself to work through this. 

Staying with him all depends on how you and he deal with this. If he is honest and open and shows remorse, I do believe you have a chance of saving what you have. 

I am curious as to how long you two have been married..

Quoting tanishalargo: He says he did. He didn't get defensive or anything over me finding them. He told me he didn't mean to hurt me and asked if I wanted to stay married and work it out. I really am not sure, I'm still in shock. He always came back from work with stories of one of his coworkers always cheating on his girlfriend and I always knew and felt like my husband was one of the good guys and would never cheat on me. Now I have all these questions about who she is, was is it here in my home, my bed, how it started, whether or not he even thought of how this would effect me or what. I have so many thoughts that come up, I can't even look him in the eyes. I feel dirty now. I feel like going in to see a doctor and take a test to see if I caught any STD's. :(( I'm going to make him go with me on his next day off to both get checked. This has always been my biggest fear and why i thought deeply about having sex with him the first time. Like if he is the one that I want to spend my life with because I don't want any std's from anyone else. I'm so broken and can't help but think about it. I barely ate dinner, 5 bites to be exact. I want to see how this goes, I can't believe it. I don't think I'll ever trust him again. I just want to snoop through his phone and search everything. This is extremely painful, I never expected something like this.

Quoting TommyAbby:

Are you sure he was cheating and not just using them for masturbation? (no mess)

You assume before you have even talked to him. Show him what you found and see what he says.

Fayanne
by Gold Member on Jul. 3, 2014 at 7:29 AM
2 moms liked this

 when you separated, did you set up any groundrules? not that that excuses what he did, but possibly in his mind, he already figured it was over. Or.. he 'needed' to know that he still had 'it', that other women could want him or find him sexy if he thought you didn't anymore.

Separation is such a huge blow sometimes, I think it's important to find out why he did it.. but you two should have been in some type of counseling long before this. I can't believe someone would want a separation over the fact that the cleaning wasn't to their standards. That's a copout over a bigger issue, or he's just a douche.

Fayanne
by Gold Member on Jul. 3, 2014 at 7:35 AM
1 mom liked this

 okay... just read the other replies.

He knows you know.. but why do I get the feeling you haven't expressed all you thoughts about this to him? My guy wouldn't be near me with a 10 ft pole until after he heard and knew exactly where I stood on the matter, and he agreed to counseling

tanishalargo
by Member on Jul. 3, 2014 at 7:41 AM
He believed the marriage was over and couldn't be salvaged, he assured me of this many times. But I kept fighting to try to make it work and told him that I loved him. He told me that it just happened and it was because in the moment someone showed interest in him and he didn't feel that from me. :( my thought right then was "how the fuck did you not know I wanted you or feel attracted to you? I've been telling you everyday since I left". I wanted to punch him for his ignorance. I agree with it being something bigger. It was a lot more fun when we were younger, so much more love for each other. We both want that again and have agreed to try to make it that way with the moderation of a child.

Quoting Fayanne:

 when you separated, did you set up any groundrules? not that that excuses what he did, but possibly in his mind, he already figured it was over. Or.. he 'needed' to know that he still had 'it', that other women could want him or find him sexy if he thought you didn't anymore.


Separation is such a huge blow sometimes, I think it's important to find out why he did it.. but you two should have been in some type of counseling long before this. I can't believe someone would want a separation over the fact that the cleaning wasn't to their standards. That's a copout over a bigger issue, or he's just a douche.

tanishalargo
by Member on Jul. 3, 2014 at 7:45 AM
I've been slowly asking questions and he's answering but very hesitant to. I know he just wants to forget and get over it but that's easy for him to do, he wasn't the one betrayed. I think that I just need to get my questions answered and I can move over the issue much faster and easier. So far I know that it wasn't in my bed or home. And he did tell me that he would never compare me. That was one of my worries. :(

Quoting Fayanne:

 okay... just read the other replies.


He knows you know.. but why do I get the feeling you haven't expressed all you thoughts about this to him? My guy wouldn't be near me with a 10 ft pole until after he heard and knew exactly where I stood on the matter, and he agreed to counseling

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