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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Need Marital Advice *Poll Added* *Update*

Posted by on Jul. 7, 2014 at 1:47 PM
  • 35 Replies

 

Poll

Question: How well do you and your SO communicate everyday?

Options:

We take turns telling each other how our day went

He tells me how his day went, but doesn't give me the chance to tell how my day was

I tell him how my day went and don't give me the chance to talk about his day


Only group members can vote in this poll.

Total Votes: 55

View Results

Ok so my dh and I are gonna be heading into our 10 year wedding anniversary. My problem is that during all this time we don't really communicate, well I would ask him how his day is and listen to his versions, but when I want to tell him how my day went; he tunes me out and if he is watching tv or listening to the radio, he will raise the volume to drown me out. I need to know if this is only happening in my marriage or if there are others in here that has this happen to them. Thanks for any advice.

Update:

I wrote him a letter yesterday and we talked a little bit. Then I helped him stack wood while he was splitting it. We had a fairly good talk and I was reminded of what Dr. Wayne Dyer had said, "If you want to get love, then you need to give love." I had forgotten that and so I started showing him way that I love him and now we are getting better. Thank you for all of your kind words and thoughts :-)

by on Jul. 7, 2014 at 1:47 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Fayanne
by Gold Member on Jul. 7, 2014 at 1:53 PM

 I think it may be a typical problem. My ex would 'hear' what i say, but not really listen.

So.. tell him that that time is important to you, and thank him for listening. Men do need down time after work, but women need to have face to face conversation time. If he's always been this way, it ain't gonna change overnight. Baby steps. Perhaps counseling, too.

rockinmomto2
by on Jul. 7, 2014 at 1:53 PM

I feel like that happens to us on occasion, but I always speak up. However, I don't usually have much to talk about. I stay home, my life is pretty calm. DH has all kinds of stuff going on, so he just has more to talk about. If I were you, I'd sit him down and tell him that what he's doing is unfair and disrespectful.

LadyBast
by Brenda on Jul. 7, 2014 at 4:58 PM

Typical man they do not always HEAR what we say so this is normal you need to catch him at a different time, maybe closer to bed. We talk a lot and all evening here but that is how we are...

I would try later or at dinner.. good luck

mommaof697
by on Jul. 7, 2014 at 5:11 PM
1 mom liked this

yes it is typical when he turns up things instead of listening to me I turn them down and make him listen.

furbabymum
by on Jul. 7, 2014 at 5:13 PM
1 mom liked this

 He drowns you out? I don't know how you made it to 10 years. I would have stabbed mine in the throat years ago.

M4LG5
by Bronze Member on Jul. 7, 2014 at 5:20 PM

 hmmmmm....it's hard to put my answer on here but let me summarize:

I talk about my day and he half pays attention and doesn't really respond.  It's like he is waiting for me to finish so he can move on to his day.  He makes it obvious he isn't interested.

I ask him about his day "good.....busy" and that's it. 

M4LG5
by Bronze Member on Jul. 7, 2014 at 5:24 PM

 hahahaha!!!  I laughed outloud in my office just now and some of the students walked by wondering what I was doing. 

Quoting furbabymum:

 He drowns you out? I don't know how you made it to 10 years. I would have stabbed mine in the throat years ago.

 

furbabymum
by on Jul. 7, 2014 at 5:26 PM

 You think I'm joking. :P

Anyway, not all people are talkers. Is he more of an action based man? How does he show you that he cares? People always refer people to the 5 love languages but it's really true. As soon as you realize the language he's speaking your life will be different. Of course, maybe he really just is a selfish ass but hopefully not.

Quoting M4LG5:

 hahahaha!!!  I laughed outloud in my office just now and some of the students walked by wondering what I was doing. 

Quoting furbabymum:

 He drowns you out? I don't know how you made it to 10 years. I would have stabbed mine in the throat years ago.

 

 

JC2223
by Bronze Member on Jul. 7, 2014 at 5:50 PM

DH and I have strong communication skills, but we had to learn them. We discuss a multitude of things. Some are normal day to day things, some of things of his interests and some are things that only interest me. Part of good communication skills is active listen with the intent to hear the other person. This is hard to do when one person has no interest in the subject matter the other is speaking about. Other necessities in good communication are honesty, expectations and boundaries. There are things we each want to talk about at certain times that is inconvenient for us to really listen to at the time. It's unfair to seem disinterested or just go through the motions of pretending to listen to him, so I will be honest in those moments and tell him..."I'm sorry Honey, I want to give you my attention and hear what you have to say, but now is not a good time. Can we talk about this later or is it important for you to talk to me right now?" This lets him know that what he has to say is important to me (even if the topic is important, his need to share it with me is), but gives him the opportunity to decide if it can wait without insulting him by seeming disinterested.

On the same note, if I'm talking to him and I can tell he is disinterested, distracted and only half listening to me...I will be honest and point it out to him. I'll say..."I can tell you're only half listening to me and before it causes an unnecessary issue between us, would you like me to continue or wait until later when you can focus on me?". This lets him know that his behavior is unacceptable to me, and also gives him the opportunity to correct himself or ask me to wait until later when he can focus on me. This also helps with my DH because he tends to listen with the intent to respond to me and not really hear me. I can tell by his facial expressions when he is listening with intent to respond. When he does this he is only half listening because he is thinking about his own response. I call him on it every time because sometimes I just need to be heard and not responded to. Or I need him to have all the information to have a more helpful response.

We've been together 17 years, married 15 years this coming August. We didn't have these communication skills the first 5 years of our marriage and argued A LOT! With counseling and books (His Needs, Her Needs, by Willard Harley and The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman) we learn how to effectivly communicate. We give each other respect, consideration, but also set our boundaries and expectations clearly. This helps avoid unecessary arguements, hurt feelings, misconceptions and misinterpretations. Good luck!

UCFknight
by Silver Member on Jul. 7, 2014 at 6:02 PM

Ten years is a long time to go without any real communication. Is he willing to read any books about how to communicate and be an attentive listener.  or maybe see a counselor and work on learning how to communicate? If my husband drowned me out with the tv, I would have the tv removed the house! That is extremely disrespectful. 

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