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I know what I have to do but I feel guilt and sadness. Help.

Posted by on Jul. 15, 2014 at 9:58 PM
  • 33 Replies

I've been with my SO for 5 years now, we've got a 3 year old daughter. Our "relationship" started in high school and was mainly physical (he was my first boyfriend) and progressed to an emotional one where we were living together; our baby girl was a happy "accident" at a time in our lives where we weren't ready for kids but everything seemed to work out. I'm not happy, I haven't been happy for a while now but he doesn't think it's serious. I've told him over and over that I need attention, our daughter needs attention and time with him but he makes ME feel guilty by saying he works hard so he needs HIS time to himself. He thinks being a dad means sitting in the same room watching tv or reading/playing with her in her room for an hour every couple of days. I confront him and ask him to come up with family activities and he throws it in my face saying we dont have money for that, I tell him we dont need money to be together. I feel like a single mom/handy man/take care of everything person while he gets to stay the same childish and unresponsible person he was when we met. He lives off his parents and has NO motivation, he works 4 to midnight and sleeps all day til 1 and hangs around the house. I'm tired of initiating everything, from family time to intimacy. My family feels I need to get out while I can but I feel so guilty because he tells me if I leave him he will drink himself to death and he can't live without me/he's obsessed with me. My mom told me not to end up like her in a marriage of 17 years where she put everyones happiness over her own, she's been remarried for 9 years and is the happiest ive ever seen her. I can't keep feeling like I'm settling with someone who doesn't appreciate me and takes me for granted, I KNOW he's never going to change because it's been 5 years and he's still the same. I'm scared that I will disrupt my daughters life (his parents pay for her schooing, our house, EVERYTHING! Which I HATE!) and I still have love for him and don't want to hurt him but I feel like it's just familiarty. I would love to hear advice from mother's who've seperated from their kids fathers. I know if I want to be self-sufficient and happy I need to move on but I feel so trapped.

by on Jul. 15, 2014 at 9:58 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by Member on Jul. 15, 2014 at 10:33 PM
1 mom liked this
This sounds like me and let me tell you i left and met the most amazing man! You can be happy again but you have to make that choice your dd will be happier when you are happy. Would your mom help you with a place to stay while you get on your feet?
by on Jul. 15, 2014 at 10:47 PM
1 mom liked this

I married my first husband when I was 20 because I ended up unexpectedly pregnant with my oldest. What you're saying about your husband sounds like my first husband. He turned everything on me and made me feel guilty. He wasn't there for us even when our son was taken to the hospital. Everything was left for me to deal with and he did everything he wanted. He made the money after all. (eye roll)

I can tell you this. I stayed for 10 years in a miserable marriage where I lost who I was and my kids had an absent father even though he lived in the same house. I wish I would have left sooner. Myself and my kids are much happier now. I have remarried a wonderful man who I am head over heels with and who is involved with our little family.   We're going on 9 years strong!

by Bronze Member on Jul. 15, 2014 at 10:47 PM
by Aisha on Jul. 16, 2014 at 9:28 AM
1 mom liked this
You at least need to leave. One of two things will happen. He will fight harder to keep you guys or he won't and he'll let you go. Either way you should go. Also I don't understand why his parents are paying for that stuff if he is working but that's besides the point. Pack up and leave.
by on Jul. 16, 2014 at 10:19 AM

 Well I'm sure his parents will pay his child support payments too. It's sad they're enabling him to be worthless. Move on and realize you ARE NOT responsible for what he may or may not do when you leave. He's responsible for himself.

by Platinum Member on Jul. 16, 2014 at 2:47 PM


by Member on Jul. 16, 2014 at 3:17 PM
I never would have met my amazing husband, if I stayed with my ex. I stayed 6 years too long. If I could go back and change anything, I would have left when things first started going down hill which was 2 years into the relationship.
Good luck.
by Brenda on Jul. 16, 2014 at 4:21 PM

I think I would have to leave I could not do what you are doing.. Good luck!

by Marianne on Jul. 16, 2014 at 4:57 PM

 He says he's obsessed with you and that he couldn't live without you, but his actions are speaking louder than his words. If I were in your situation, I'd ask him to prove it, because it certainly doesn't feel that way. And if he can't bring himself to spend more time with his family, and be the husband/father he needs to be, then it might be time to reevaluate the relationship.

by Amy :) on Jul. 16, 2014 at 5:20 PM

I agree with the other ladies I think it's time for you and your dd to move on because you deserve to be happy.

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