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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Thinking about calling it quits a couple years after we adopted our first child, a TEENAGER, together

Posted by on Jul. 19, 2014 at 6:41 PM
  • 16 Replies

I have been married for six years now. I was emotionally quite young when we tied the knot... 23, but without much experience in love, sex, dating, etc. We were both virgins and I was looking for an escape from my parents' home. I didn't believe in living together with a partner before marriage and my SO seemed nice enough. I had dreams that it could work. I had real hope and our marriage was pretty good for awhile.

We decided to adopt through the foster system a couple years ago and met a teenage boy at an adoption party. We knew he was special and began the process to bring him home. First time parents to a teen! I know! But I considered myself an expert on the topic of adoption. I read about it since I was a teenager myself because I always wanted to grow my family that way. Well, seeing my spouse as a parent has given me one real, lasting feeling: I DO NOT want to have any more children with him. Biological or otherwise. He is not strong, he is not a leader, he has so many backwards thoughts on raising children. He is lazy, uninvolved in family life, he shuts down and withdraws and would rather be watching a show on his ipad or working on one of his own hobbies than doing what me and my son enjoy... hiking, biking, running, playing outdoors.

I've grown and changed as a woman since we were married. I'm not the same timid shy girl with insecurities that I used to be. He's stayed the same and I just grieve when I think of staying with him. He isn't what I want or need anymore. There is no intimacy in our relationship nor has there ever been. I always hoped we would get there, but he doesn't know how to pursue me, how to have conversations, or how to support me. I barely respect him anymore because I feel he gives nothing and does nothing and never tries. I've given up and I no longer try to seek him because I'm so exhausted from being the only one who ever does. My emotional, sexual, spiritual needs are not being met by him.

I don't even want to tell him and ask for him to work on it. I know he is not the kind of man I am compatible with. I realize I married the totally wrong person. HELP. Has anyone else ever been through this? I don't know how to tell him. And I also don't want to until our son has moved out. He is about to turn 16 so only a couple more years. I just don't know. I'm so unhappy. I want a real man and I've given up hoping my husband will get there or that I will be able to "settle" for who he is. He deserves better than a wife who doesn't want to have his children and no longer enjoys his company... am I wrong here???

by on Jul. 19, 2014 at 6:41 PM
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Replies (1-10):
thisisbad
by New Member on Jul. 19, 2014 at 11:20 PM
Sheesh, let me begin with... That sucks and I am sorry.

I have a few posts on here about disliking my husband in many ways, but some of the things you feel (and especially those you don't feel) about your husband make even me, who despairs often about my spousal lot in life, feel all the sudden fortunate when reading your post. Are there any redeeming qualities, you perhaps, left unlisted? Does he show any love towards your adopted son?

If it really is all that bad, my advise would be to consider asking him to leave. I would imagine if your son made it 10 years or more through the US foster system he would most likely be pretty resilient through a separation of this kind. I would consider filing for custody and letting his "father" play more of an uncle role, which he sounds better suited for.
onethentwins
by on Jul. 20, 2014 at 12:44 AM
4 moms liked this


Quoting sidewalkmuse:

My emotional, sexual, spiritual needs are not being met by him.

am I wrong here???

Yes, you are wrong here.  You say you know about adoption because you've read all about it, well then you should know that what an adopted child needs is safety and security.  The two of you adopted this child as married mother and father. You're son has already been in Foster Care, presumably for neglect or abuse, and now you're going to make him from a broken home?!?!?! 

What you're proposing is selfish and immature.  You owe it to the son you legally adopted, and the husband you said your vows to, to go to counselling and do everything you can to save your Marriage and improve your relationship. 

ahleesha14
by Bronze Member on Jul. 20, 2014 at 10:46 AM

You got married young you didn't know. What you should do is tell him and move with you and your son. he doesn't act like he wants anything to do with your son anyway. You deserve to be happy and find someone else.

MMerrill
by Melissa on Jul. 20, 2014 at 11:40 AM

Have you told your husband how you feel?  Have you guys tried to seek counseling?  I would exhaust all options before giving up.

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sidewalkmuse
by New Member on Jul. 20, 2014 at 11:52 AM


Quoting onethentwins:


Quoting sidewalkmuse:

My emotional, sexual, spiritual needs are not being met by him.

am I wrong here???

Yes, you are wrong here.  You say you know about adoption because you've read all about it, well then you should know that what an adopted child needs is safety and security.  The two of you adopted this child as married mother and father. You're son has already been in Foster Care, presumably for neglect or abuse, and now you're going to make him from a broken home?!?!?! 

What you're proposing is selfish and immature.  You owe it to the son you legally adopted, and the husband you said your vows to, to go to counselling and do everything you can to save your Marriage and improve your relationship. 

You missed the part where I said I wasn't going to do anything about this until our son is 18 and out of the home. I do not want to inflict another loss on my son while he is still in the home as a child. But he will probably join the military at 18 so at that time, I will make my decision to move on or stay then.

onethentwins
by on Jul. 20, 2014 at 12:19 PM


Quoting sidewalkmuse:


Quoting onethentwins:


Quoting sidewalkmuse:

My emotional, sexual, spiritual needs are not being met by him.

am I wrong here???

Yes, you are wrong here.  You say you know about adoption because you've read all about it, well then you should know that what an adopted child needs is safety and security.  The two of you adopted this child as married mother and father. You're son has already been in Foster Care, presumably for neglect or abuse, and now you're going to make him from a broken home?!?!?! 

What you're proposing is selfish and immature.  You owe it to the son you legally adopted, and the husband you said your vows to, to go to counselling and do everything you can to save your Marriage and improve your relationship. 

You missed the part where I said I wasn't going to do anything about this until our son is 18 and out of the home. I do not want to inflict another loss on my son while he is still in the home as a child. But he will probably join the military at 18 so at that time, I will make my decision to move on or stay then.

Yes, you're right. You said "And I also don't want to until our son has moved out.",  I read "And I also don't want to wait until our son moved out".   It doesn't change my opinion on how you owe it to him and your husband to go to a counsellor before you bail on your family. 

sidewalkmuse
by New Member on Jul. 21, 2014 at 2:01 PM

It's such a tough subject for me. My life is scary right now. I didn't even write about the issues my son presents. He is not biologically related to me and has expressed sexual interest in me. He physically assaulted his dad last year and was put into juvy for battery. In therapy he has made progress but he had to be sent to a home for boys for a year to correct his unruly behavior and defiant, rude, controlling habits. We simply couldn't get him to respond to us and we tried. But when you have to call the cops continuously to your home and feel unsafe with the child in your home, when you struggle as a parent, when your husband does not take much proactive action to parent this kid with SO MANY EXHAUSTING NEEDS, it is horrifyingly lonely and depressing.

Many days are okay and passable. I try my best to be a good mom to this kid who wears me down intentionally by manipulating and controlling/angry behaviors. I sometimes fear for my safety and it sucks because I stay at home and summer is hard. All he knows how to do is instigate arguements and he trusts no one.

Then add in my husband who tries to sidestep problems by not facing them at all and I'm so hopeless and defeated, feeling out of my element and questioning every choice I've ever made. It is tough. I truly don't want to work on my marriage because this is the fire and I see how my husband is walking through it. He isn't supporting me emotionally, I have poured my heart out to him and begged him to help me. The last time I did this, he said "we will change x, y, and z." then after the conversation ended, he never did any one of those things and he never asked me about any of it again. That was the final sting to me. Actions speak louder than words but I have used words.

I'm rambling, because I never get to air these thoughts or feelings anywhere. I am trying to hang in for my family at this time. I am trying not to be selfish. But it doesn't change my feelings of despair.

lillybug222
by Silver Member on Jul. 21, 2014 at 2:12 PM
How about instead of giving up for the next two years, you devote those two years to making it better. I suspect your feelings of resentment stop you from being the best wife you could be to your husband. Read a variety of marriage books, seek counseling, pray. God is in the business of redemption.
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linz04060913
by Member on Jul. 21, 2014 at 2:14 PM

This will set some off, but read this to the end. If you don't, don't bother replying

http://themattwalshblog.com/2014/02/22/your-husband-doesnt-have-to-earn-your-respect/

Secondly, having biological children changes a man. He likely wasn't ready to take on any kids, let alone a teenager who has probably seen more bad than good.

linz04060913
by Member on Jul. 21, 2014 at 2:17 PM

This sheds a little more light on the situation. Is your husband in counseling? Any chance you guys could see a family counselor?

Quoting sidewalkmuse:

It's such a tough subject for me. My life is scary right now. I didn't even write about the issues my son presents. He is not biologically related to me and has expressed sexual interest in me. He physically assaulted his dad last year and was put into juvy for battery. In therapy he has made progress but he had to be sent to a home for boys for a year to correct his unruly behavior and defiant, rude, controlling habits. We simply couldn't get him to respond to us and we tried. But when you have to call the cops continuously to your home and feel unsafe with the child in your home, when you struggle as a parent, when your husband does not take much proactive action to parent this kid with SO MANY EXHAUSTING NEEDS, it is horrifyingly lonely and depressing.

Many days are okay and passable. I try my best to be a good mom to this kid who wears me down intentionally by manipulating and controlling/angry behaviors. I sometimes fear for my safety and it sucks because I stay at home and summer is hard. All he knows how to do is instigate arguements and he trusts no one.

Then add in my husband who tries to sidestep problems by not facing them at all and I'm so hopeless and defeated, feeling out of my element and questioning every choice I've ever made. It is tough. I truly don't want to work on my marriage because this is the fire and I see how my husband is walking through it. He isn't supporting me emotionally, I have poured my heart out to him and begged him to help me. The last time I did this, he said "we will change x, y, and z." then after the conversation ended, he never did any one of those things and he never asked me about any of it again. That was the final sting to me. Actions speak louder than words but I have used words.

I'm rambling, because I never get to air these thoughts or feelings anywhere. I am trying to hang in for my family at this time. I am trying not to be selfish. But it doesn't change my feelings of despair.


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