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newly married and already feel isolated.

Posted by on Jul. 21, 2014 at 3:20 AM
  • 27 Replies
I feel like our marriage is a mistake. We have been married for 3 months and already there is no passion or intimacy. It feels like we are just roommates who share a bed. When we were dating, we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. It seems like he waited until the ink was dry on the marriage license to stop having any passion toward me. We have probably had sex 5 times since we married compaired to the several times a day. I have asked him for sex and he just gets annoyed and gives me a different excuse. He
Says that i feel like I need sex to feel loved. My response was I need the passion and intimacy a wife is supposed to have with her husband.
I am a sahm with my 3 yr old. I moved an hour away from all of my friends to live with him. I keep the house spotless, the laundry is always done and dinner is done as soon as he comes home. He never lifts a finger to even clean up after himself. As soon as he eats, he is on his computer playing world of warcraft until it's time to go to bed. Repeat daily unless he has a day off then he is on the computer all day or once in a while he will go visit his buddies. It was not like this before we married. He wanted me. He made me feel special. He paid attention to me. Now I feel very isolated and unwanted. It seems like nothing I do is right. If I try to talk to him about what I am feeling, he gets mad and tells me that he is who he is, if I don't like it then I can leave. He still says that he loves me but it feels like a very empty love. I love him so incredibly much but I just don't know what to do.
by on Jul. 21, 2014 at 3:20 AM
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by on Jul. 21, 2014 at 4:55 AM
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Wellll . . for him, the chase is over.  You have been "caught" and he is done.  You sound like me about 25 years ago.  If you need counseling this soon after marriage, I really don't think it will last.  For the sake of your own self-esteem, stop catering to him.  He is not going to change no matter how "perfect" a wife you are.  He doesn't think that what he is doing is wrong, so he will not see any reason to change.  From experience I can tell you that a marriage will not work if only one person is trying.  You don't love him because who he is right now in the real person.  The person you love is the persona he put on until the "I do's".  The only thing that MAY (slim chance) snap him out of it is if you leave.  Especially if it is without any word or warning.  He just comes home to an empty house and closet and no dinner.  (However, you might want to put a password on his computer and block his access.  Not nice - but I can be vindictive that way.)  i know you are hurting and might not want to hear this.  But he sounds exactly like my ex.  I spent 20 years trying - six marriage counselors, three marriage conferences, five couples studies, and two couples retreats didn't change him one bit.  Even after I up and left him, he didn't change.  He made a lot of noise about wanting me back, etc. and if he had shown any real change, I might have considered it; but there wasn't any real change in his attitude or behavior.  I'm just sorry I didn't leave him sooner because my children got really hurt in the process.  He wasn't just cold to me but to them as well. 

It is better to be single and alone, than married and alone.  You deserve better.  Somewhere there is a real man who will genuinely love and cherish both you and your little one.  Don't settle for what you currently have.  It will make you old and bitter before your time.

by Melissa on Jul. 21, 2014 at 6:21 AM
1 mom liked this

File for divorce. It's only been 3 months.. just go. He trapped you in with all the love and affection and now he has his housekeeper, cook, and occasional bedmate. 

by Member on Jul. 21, 2014 at 6:38 AM
4 moms liked this

Try making your own plans. Try not cooking him dinner and leaving with the child to do anything really. Go on play dates, get involved in the community, make friends, get your footing in this town. He will either want to go with or continue to sit on his ass. But I would find something going on in the community and I would say hey do you want to..... and if he says no then ok child and I will be back later. We are probably going to eat while we are out so enjoy your game. I HATE computer games btw and I would straight up tell him it is interfering with iving his life and you wont let it interfere with yours. So you are going to live your life and he welcome to come along. But see the thing is that if you do this and he eventually straightens up then it worked but if he doesnt then you are going to grow without him and be able to leave if you need to. When the time is right to leave you will know but you cant put what you want on hold you have to contiue to do the things you find important in life. Also, start a savings account ASAP

by Brenda on Jul. 21, 2014 at 7:58 AM

Can you go back to your town and get your job back? Honestly, if he keeps saying he isn't changing and there's the door, I wouldn't think twice about walking out. The ink isn't even dry on the marriage certificate and he is behaving like an a##. You are worth more than this. 

by on Jul. 21, 2014 at 8:16 AM

You married a child, unfortunately. And a "man' who's entire social life consists of world of warcraft won't ever be able to aim any higher - so get out now and don't look back.  An "empty love" ?  What a load of crap - don't stick around for any more misery.  

by Casey on Jul. 21, 2014 at 8:20 AM
1 mom liked this

You guys sound really young. He may be this immature prick you are making him out to be, but on the flip side you may have unrealistic expectations of what married life should be. There are two sides to every tale, perhaps after you got married you got needy and clingy due to being away from your friends. 

by Member on Jul. 21, 2014 at 8:33 AM
I have been feeling like this lately, very neglected but my feelings are my own problem. My DH works over 50 hrs a week graveyard shift. When he gets home he showers and goes to bed. He sleeps all day to catch up on sleep and wakes up an hour or so before he leaves. Weekends are busy for him, too. He sleeps a lot and has things around the house to do, yard work and his side job. He mows the yards and farms of some elderly farmers who can't do it anymore. Makes pretty good money, too. So, since this is a relatively new job, I'm feeling quite neglected.
by on Jul. 21, 2014 at 8:35 AM

Did you live together before your marriage?

by on Jul. 21, 2014 at 10:04 AM
1 mom liked this
We aren't young. I'm 35, he's 32. We lived together for 6 months before we got married. I don't think my expectations of him as a husband are unrealistic and unreasonable. I just want a little attention. I don't even care if he plays that stupid game, just not every free minute he has. He says it gets his mind off of things so he doesn't stress so much. In his opinion, he does his 40 hours at work so he doesn't have to do anything when he comes home. I don't care if he doesn't clean or cook, I just want him to put his dirty clothes in the basket, use the freaking trash can and put his dishes in the sink.
His home life should not consist entirely of that game. He can turn it off on occasion to spend some time with me or the kids. I don't require his full attention all of the time. As a matter of fact his full attention 100% of the time would drive me crazy. I do still need to feel loved and wanted. He doesn't even try in the bedroom anymore. The last few times we has sex, I could feel that it was just to shut me up and that he wasn't really in to it. I dont need sex every night but even once a week would be nice and for him to actually want to do it. I need to feel that passion, that intimacy and to feel that closeness a husband and wife should have. I am not on any bc at the moment and that is one of his excuses not to have sex. He wants me to go back on the pill, which is completely fine by me, but there are other ways to prevent pregnancy until I get to the doctor other that completely abstinence and lack of affection. It doesn't even have to involve actual intercourse. I know he stresses out about life issues and that the game helps him cope but isn't that why we married? To be there for one another and help each other through those stressful times? We are supposed to be a team and work together. He feels that since he works, his stress and feelings are the only thing that matters and that I don't have anything to complain about.
by on Jul. 21, 2014 at 10:25 AM

I would leave for hours at a time ........not answer my phone an make him wonder where I was for awhile ...thats the test to see how much he really cares...........if he loves u he'll blow up ur phone wondering where u are ....if he doesn't care he won't call.....or he could be addicted to gaming ....same as being addicted to gambling ...

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