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Trust Issues - PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!

Posted by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 11:32 PM
  • 24 Replies

DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 4 1/2. There has not been any physical cheating, however, there has been some emotional and unsavory actions on DH's part. What he's done:

- (2 years ago) Found facebook private message from coworker who wrote him in the middle of the night. She was asking why he hadn't been talking to her of late and he wrote her back apologizing and said he wanted to figure things out with us before anything. (kind of hinted at a relationship) She responded by saying she wasn't that type of woman but she totally was meaning the opposite with her first message. 

- (1 1/2 years ago) Found email messages to a few women. They weren't explicit, but they were talking and he was saying how pretty some of them were

- (Shortly after the above) I found dating accounts. They gave some information about him, didn't say he was married and in the profile declined to say if he had children. I confronted him about it and he said someone from work must have taken his phone and made the profiles. He even went as far as blaming a good co worker of his who was technichally a friend but they didn't hang out much. After 5 or so months of me besides myself, not being able to get over it, he finally came clean. He told me that he did not make the accounts to find a woman to have sex with, he just wanted someone to talk with. He doesn't have any real friends and that's what he wanted, someone to talk to. He said I know I lied about it for months but I was worried you would leave me. I love you and I would never cheat on you. I don't have any friends and I couldn't talk to you and this is what I came up with. The moment I did it I knew I was wrong. 

- (almost a year later in Novemberish 2013) I came home and found out that he had watched porn on the computer then tried covering it up. He claims he pulled it up to see if I was keeping tabs on the history, that he didn't watch any. I told him his logic was flawed. He could have just asked me if I was keeping tabs, I would have been honest. Like the above he said he did it on impulse and said immediatly as he did it he knew it was wrong. He knew how I felt about it and was concerned I wouldn't believe why he did it. (that he wanted to know if I was checking up on him) and so he tried covering it up. 

What's going on now:

Presently, there is nothing going on. There hasn't been since November, if he really didn't look at the porn in November - then there hasn't been anything for about a year 1/2. I am having a hard time trusting him. I have a hard time when we go out together and I see him looking up or at anyone I think he's got to be checking them out. (I don't think it all the time, but enough. Most of the time I know that is NOT what he is doing but I can't help still getting upset.) Watching movies and T.V. shows if there is a pretty woman, I start thinking he has got to be checking her out or thinking about her in his mind. I used to have an issue where if he left to go do anything that he was going to meet another woman. I am not that bad anymore, but i still have trouble with things.

The issue now is that he is completely frustrated. He feels like he is completely on a short leash, and that I treat him like a child. He feels that I am not trying hard enough to move forward. He has come heaps and  bounds, literally, and although I know I have come good ways since then - I still have a long way to go. He wants to have a relationship with me, he wants me to trust him. He wants to be able to watch a show, or go out together and me not get upset shortly into it. I just don't know how. I used to think the worst of him, or that he had alterior motives. Anything and everything with him I thought there was something behind it. I don't feel that way quite so much now, but I do from time to time. But this I know he is serious about. He's VERY frustrated and has been very patient and supportive but I just don't know how to trust him more.

Part of me thinks that it is because I have lower self esteem/confidence? I think often if I looked better then he won't go anywhere else. It's sad because I think that even though I know he's not looking, I just get intimidated by other women and feel that way. I haven't caught him looking at another woman in quite a while. It is sad because just to go out (dog park) he'll stare at the ground to make sure we can be together and he doesn't offend me. I see how much he is trying for us and I feel like crap. I'm  thinking the issue isn't him, as he's doing great, I feel like it's me and my insecurities. If I was better with myself then I'd be better towards our relationship. I have kind of a control issue to. I feel like if I know exactly what he's doing all the time then there is no chance for him to do something and for me to get hurt. But living like t hat there is no trust, no REAL relationship. I think the big issue here is me and although I know it all stems from all the crap before, I think the issue is me. :(

I'm sorry this is long, just really desperatly wanting to work at this and I don't know where/how to go from here. We don't have the money for a counselor until maybe Januaryish. I know I need help because I am trying to be controling over everything. As in knowing what he's doing because I feel like if I know then I can't be hurt. He will not be doing anything but I'll get a bug up my butt and think that he must be doing it even if i didn't see it and then I'll get mad and if we're out it'll ruin our whole evening. We have trouble watching movies, and shows. I just am stuck, I feel really bad and I just don't know what to do. 

Please help :(

by on Jul. 23, 2014 at 11:32 PM
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Replies (1-10):
tink887
by on Jul. 24, 2014 at 12:07 AM
Okay it's okay one of my girl friends is going through the Same thing but not married.

If he did things in the past and you chose to stay with him than you have to for give him and look past it.

but if he continues to do things later reconsider and he is not on a short leash your feelings are and he has to respect that.
ReadWriteLuv
by Casey on Jul. 24, 2014 at 7:22 AM
1 mom liked this

You need to get over this, post haste. You're ruining your marriage. Yes, YOU. No one else dictates the way you feel and react but you. Self esteem comes from within. Yes, he did some shady things but that was then and this is now. You are pushing him away. As the spouse of an equally insecure person, I'm telling you, life with the menage au toix of you, him, and your poor self esteem is a MISERABLE way to live life. He's growing more resentful and angry with you by the day, especially if he can't even watch tv or go out to eat without you accusing him of checking out other women. What you are doing is a form of abuse. 

ablox
by Aisha on Jul. 24, 2014 at 9:11 AM
1 mom liked this
Your going to have to let go love. I will say this I've had problems like this with my now Dh and you know what I did? I started working out, I got my hair done, I bought some new makeup, and I bought clothes/undergarments and I said to myself everyday that if I put it in effort everyday to look awesome and I find out he is still trying to get with other women then I was to good for him anyway. It works. Men love confidence and it will make you less worried about him doing something wrong.
StarburstKisses
by Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 11:06 AM


Quoting ReadWriteLuv:

You need to get over this, post haste. You're ruining your marriage. Yes, YOU. No one else dictates the way you feel and react but you. Self esteem comes from within. Yes, he did some shady things but that was then and this is now. You are pushing him away. As the spouse of an equally insecure person, I'm telling you, life with the menage au toix of you, him, and your poor self esteem is a MISERABLE way to live life. He's growing more resentful and angry with you by the day, especially if he can't even watch tv or go out to eat without you accusing him of checking out other women. What you are doing is a form of abuse. 

That's is what I am concerned about :( For the longest time I had so much pent up anger, hate, and resentment towards him that in my mind it was, "I'm like this because of you!" and for a long time everything was his fault. Over time I started seeing how far he had come, seeing how much he wants to make it work and although I've come some ways I haven't come nearly as far. It got me thinking about where we were, where I am, and looking at the situation from a different view and listening to him about it. I figured that there was something else wrong in the relationship because if it was soly just him, then him coming so far would have been more then enough for our relationship to more then better. I realized that things I was never okay with in a relationship I was doing to him, am doing*. Upon this realization, I came here looking for help, for confirmation that this is what the issue is? And also to see if anyone has advice and can help me on how/where to go from here. I feel horrible about it all. He came home last night and we talked about it and I told him my thoughts on it. I apologized and explained why I felt the way I did and why it was wrong what I was doing. It's my hope by recognizing it and just taking it day by day that I can turn it around and we can build a solid relationship. Thank you for your reply :)

MomToovey
by Marianne on Jul. 24, 2014 at 11:44 AM
1 mom liked this

This is probably going to be pretty harsh, but you're right. It's you, not him. He's doing everything he can to prove himself trustworthy to you and you're not accepting it. I'd be frustrated too!

I don't know much about counseling, but surely there are free/affordable forms out there for you to try? Maybe look into your insurance coverage, too. Anyway, I think that in the long run, that will be your best bet. You'll be able to work out your insecurities, heal from past betrayals, and learn to move on. But if there really truly is absolutely no way you can start counseling until January, there are a few things you can do to hold you over until then.

First, you need to let him know everything you've told us. That it's you, not him, with the problem. That you're going to try to work on your insecurities and trust. Let him know what he can do to help. Let him know when he needs to back off so you can work on it alone. And once he knows this and is able to help where he can, you need to start working on you. You have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. What does that mean to you? Well, everyone's different. Maybe you need to take more time for yourself to do your hair and makeup. Maybe you need to go shopping for clothes that you feel sexy in without feeling uncomfortable. Maybe eating right and exercising will help. Or maybe it won't have anything to do with your appearance. Find a hobby you truly enjoy and can feel proud of. Maybe that's pottery, maybe it's getting involved in local politics. Who knows? But you have to do whatever it takes to be able to look into the mirror and love/be proud of the person looking back at you. Once you achieve this, it'll be easier to forgive and move on, because you won't feel threatened any longer, and you'll actually believe your husband when he tells you he loves you.

rockinmomto2
by on Jul. 24, 2014 at 12:04 PM

You need therapy, and you both need marriage counseling. You can't keep putting him through that because it's unfair. My husband cheated two years ago, and I put him through hell for about a year and a couple months. I finally woke up and realized how shitty I was being, and since then our relationship has gotten SO much better. Therapy for both of us, and both of us working together to ensure that we're both happy has made it work.

Fayanne
by Platinum Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 1:09 PM

 didn't read to the end.

My thoughts: He's looking for something outside the marriage because there's something lacking inside the marriage.

good luck

Serenity7
by on Jul. 24, 2014 at 1:56 PM

 You can not move forward. If you keep looking back.

 

LadyBast
by Brenda on Jul. 24, 2014 at 4:18 PM

I agree with what has been said I have nothing more to add... I think they covered it all in the replies so far!

MMerrill
by Melissa on Jul. 24, 2014 at 8:16 PM

I agree with the other posters. 

If you made the decision to stay with him, you need to let the past go.  If you can't let it go, then you need to let him go.  He cannot continue to pay for the things he's done in the past.

I'm sure it's very, very hard on you and I can totally understand why you are being like that and feeling the way you are (I would totally feel like that too!) but you just can't keep holding the past against him.  If you continue, your relationship will never move forward.

It's going to take a conscious effort on your part every second of every day to move past things and not let them get to you, but you can do it.  Next time you catch yourself thinking negative things or acting in a negative way, think to yourself a minute and change your attitude!  Best of luck to you.

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