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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Do you think my marriage is repairable or is it time to go. I need honest advice.

Posted by on Jul. 24, 2014 at 3:33 AM
  • 35 Replies
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I would love some advice on this topic because I'm honestly really confused on what to do. Do I stay and live like this until my sons graduate school (they are still very young 5 & 7), or do I move on and give myself a chance at happiness? 

My husband and I have been married for 6 years now and it has been miserable for me pretty much the entire time. I do not love him, I don't feel any spark for him, we have sex maybe once every few months, and we are pretty much passing ships. He says he really loves me and is attracted me to but I feel nothing.

To explain our relationship a little more, I got pregnant very soon after meeting him and we weren't really in a real dating relationship. I went through my entire pregnancy alone and really honestly had a lot of anger towards in during my pregnancy. When my son was 3 months old we decided to try and start dating to see where it would take us. I was semi happy but still felt like something major was missing from our relationship. I didn't feel like I really knew him that well and I didn't feel like it was a conventional relationship where you meet, like each other, grow to love each other and then couldn't imagine your life without this person. We decided it would be best for our son to be married so we were married at the court house when he was a year. Shortly after that I became pregnant again. I tried so hard to love him in the beginning and be happy but it wasn't working. I didn't trust him, I didn't feel safe with him (emotionally), I didn't feel like he nurtured my soul the way I needed. For the first 4 year of our marriage my husband worked a lot (16 hour shifts 3-4 times a week), and often went to the bar after work. I was home with two babies and often times I had no idea where he was, he didn't answer his phone, lied about where he was, and came home drunk. I became more resentful and my angry grew and grew. One night he came home drunk after working 3 16 hour shifts and gave me quite a tale about what he did that night and I knew everything he was telling me was a lie. I kept asking him to explain because it wasn't adding up and I asked him if he was cheating on me, and he said yes and lots of times and that he never loved me and was only with me for the kids and wanted to separate. The next day when he was sober he said that he didn't mean it and that he never cheated on me but said that to give me the out I was looking for because I was so unhappy. However, I believe that the truth comes out when you are drinking. After that night, he stopped drinking and going out but maybe only a few times a year. He has since gotten closer to God and has changed a lot for the better. But, I can't get over that stuff. No woman wants to hear that or be treated like that. We really are not compatible in so many away and I feel like we got married for all the wrong reasons. We never do anything fun together, we have never once in almost 8 years gone on vacation together, we just live this boring mundane life together. I just want a man that cherishes my heart, someone I trust, and admire, and someone I actually want to be around and love. I feel so much resentment for him and there is no compatibility. We have gone to 3 different counselors and still we can't seem to fix anything. I just want to be happy and truly love someone and feel loved back in the way that I need it. I don't want a boring, resentful, loveless marriage. 

I'm not sure what to do. Do I stay for my children even though I'm so unhappy or do you think this marriage has too much hurt to repair? 


by on Jul. 24, 2014 at 3:33 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Dewinter
by Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 3:38 AM
4 moms liked this
I would leave. The only thing you are showing your boys is how to be unhappy in a marriage.
Good luck
lonelymoon
by Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 3:40 AM
1 mom liked this
I was going to say counseling until I got to the "we have been to 3 different counselors already..." I say divorce. You deserve to be happy.
Oh, and good luck, be strong.
TurboMom81
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by on Jul. 24, 2014 at 3:44 AM
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Sounds like you already checked out the marriage. He changed his ways and doing much better behavior wise but that does not seem to be good enough. He deserves better. And the children will not benefit being raised by two people in a loveless marriage. I hate to say it because I believe that a true marriage should last forever, but I think you two need to go your separate ways.
Veey
by Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 3:48 AM

As a former bartender, I can tell you "what they say when they're drunk, they can't say when they're sober". But on the opposite end of the spectrum and for curiosity's sake, what have you done in your attempts when you say "try". I used to hear the same story but from a man's point of view when they'd stop by for a drink after work. 

alanajoy1
by New Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 3:49 AM
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He deserves better? Wow. 

alanajoy1
by New Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 3:58 AM
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Quoting Veey:

As a former bartender, I can tell you "what they say when they're drunk, they can't say when they're sober". But on the opposite end of the spectrum and for curiosity's sake, what have you done in your attempts when you say "try". I used to hear the same story but from a man's point of view when they'd stop by for a drink after work. 

I guess my form of "try" was suggesting counseling 3 different times during our marrige, getting him going to church with me so we could have a more christian based marrige (which did help him a lot), I've tried to be kind and loving to him even when I didn't feel like it. I guess I kind of checked out during his drinking days and the will to try just checked out as well. I'm not claiming I'm perfect, I'm not, but I do think I deserve a good healthy marriage, we both do. 

TurboMom81
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by on Jul. 24, 2014 at 4:04 AM
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Yes. He deserves to be with a woman who will actual love him and forgive him. You've made it very clear that you don't.
No man is perfect. My parents got married after 3 months of dating because my dad knocked her up. They were both 19. My dad was always out drinking and would come home drunk and have a bit of a temper. No abuse. But then he found God and changed his ways for the better. And my mom forgave him. They have been happily married for 36 years!

Maybe you could forgive him if you felt like there was something left to salvage but it sounds like you never wanted to marry him in the first place and that's not fair to him or to you.



Quoting alanajoy1:

He deserves better? Wow. 

teenkabear
by on Jul. 24, 2014 at 4:09 AM

Don't marry for any other reason than love & happiness.

It took me 26 years to find the man of my dreams, and I wasn't even looking for him.  He just came out of nowhere.  But when he did, I knew it immediately.  I was never looking for my other half, and I didn't even think they existed.  But as it turns out, he does.  Don't settle for anything less than that feeling.

Sure, I had plenty of "boyfriends" and dates, but ultimately I always knew when I was just wasting time on them (and I was), so I always ended up calling it quits.  I broke so many hearts & I still feel bad about it, but I knew I wasn't doing either of us any favors by living a lie.

Get a divorce, but try to remain civil for the kids.

Veey
by Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 4:13 AM

Well, then ask yourself: Is it going to get better (assuming there's a glimmer of hope) or am I going to be miserable for the rest of our lives? If you've checked out, give yourself and your husband the opportunity to find happiness. It's not fair to you, it's not fair to him and it's only teaching your kids that's being miserable is a-ok. I think you need to find happiness and get out of there.

Quoting alanajoy1:


Quoting Veey:

As a former bartender, I can tell you "what they say when they're drunk, they can't say when they're sober". But on the opposite end of the spectrum and for curiosity's sake, what have you done in your attempts when you say "try". I used to hear the same story but from a man's point of view when they'd stop by for a drink after work. 

I guess my form of "try" was suggesting counseling 3 different times during our marrige, getting him going to church with me so we could have a more christian based marrige (which did help him a lot), I've tried to be kind and loving to him even when I didn't feel like it. I guess I kind of checked out during his drinking days and the will to try just checked out as well. I'm not claiming I'm perfect, I'm not, but I do think I deserve a good healthy marriage, we both do. 


howkhuntastic
by Member on Jul. 24, 2014 at 4:29 AM
A loveless marriage is not something to stay on. My husband and I have had our share of problems but at the end of the day he is Mr best friend. We can laugh together, cry together, and just be. I was in a relationship with my ex for four years and engaged for the and a half of them but we never married,I kept making excuses. He cheated and abused me but I thought I should stick it out for our children. He left me after I caught him sexting with a 16 year old on my phone. Dh and I were friends and soon became more.after a little over two and a half years we got married. Our relationship is far from perfect but at the end of the day I want him beside me through thick or thin.
Would you want your kids to stay on a loceless marriage or find someone they could be happy with? You both deserve better but especially your kids deserve parents who are happy and love one another. And of you don't live one another they deserve to see you both make it work with someone that you do love.
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