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Am I over reacting and being childish?

Posted by on Jul. 25, 2014 at 6:39 PM
  • 20 Replies
I really need an honest reality check. I feel like im obsessing over something that i need to just let go. Me and my SO just moved in together its been a month. For the most part things have been good but all of a sudden hes going out alone to see friends more then before we lived together. Before we lived together we would go out together, see friends together, but now i guess he needs time alone? Its bothers me because i hate change and i have been having a hard time adjusting to everything and before we moved in i told him how i didn't want our dynamic to change and it just seems to be changing big
time.
I dont know how to talk to him about it without making it seem like i am depending on him or sounding needy. We have been together for 4 years and prior to living together we were often together and weekends were always spent with eachother. Before he left an hour ago he had said something to upset me, when he was leaving he said bye to my DD but just ignored me.
Its not a nice feeling.
by on Jul. 25, 2014 at 6:39 PM
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Replies (1-10):
sweet.daydream
by on Jul. 25, 2014 at 7:31 PM
1 mom liked this
Well, him leaving in that manner was childish. Otherwise, it seems that both of you are going thru the adjustment period. He's trying to find time for himself by going out alone and you're freaking out because you didn't want the dynamic to change. You moved in together. The WHOLE dynamic changed.

Communication is key right now. Maybe suggest some plans to go out together, as a couple or as a family.
Fayanne
by Platinum Member on Jul. 25, 2014 at 7:41 PM
2 moms liked this

 ask him about it

perhaps your difficulty in adjusting is coming out as neediness and it's driving him nuts

why did he say something to upset you?

Callaly
by Member on Jul. 25, 2014 at 9:51 PM
Him leaving like that and still gone just makes me over think and just get even more upset about it.

Quoting sweet.daydream: Well, him leaving in that manner was childish. Otherwise, it seems that both of you are going thru the adjustment period. He's trying to find time for himself by going out alone and you're freaking out because you didn't want the dynamic to change. You moved in together. The WHOLE dynamic changed.

Communication is key right now. Maybe suggest some plans to go out together, as a couple or as a family.
Callaly
by Member on Jul. 25, 2014 at 9:54 PM
Its the stupidest thing i got home from work said hey and already he was in a mood i could tell, and she cut his hair and shaved and i normally for the last few years have been doing it so i said "ouuu you cut your hair? Was it hard without me" im the most nicest way possible his response with a super rude tone "obviously i did it without you before what kind of question is that" i just left it alone obviously my mood shifted and then he went on and on just rude comments after rude comments and then left.

Quoting Fayanne:

 ask him about it


perhaps your difficulty in adjusting is coming out as neediness and it's driving him nuts


why did he say something to upset you?

rockinmomto2
by on Jul. 25, 2014 at 9:56 PM

Things change when you move in together. You're ALWAYS together. I love my husband to death, but I still need a break from him and the kids from time to time. Do we still spend time together? Absolutely. He's my favorite person ever. But I also love other people, and need to be away to miss him a bit. Maybe your BF is feeling overwhelmed, maybe he just needs more space. 

How about this: tomorrow, when you're both calm, talk to him. Maybe write some stuff out tonight that you want to talk to him about so that you don't forget, and be very matter of fact. Allow him to answer honestly, and accept his answers as they are. Don't get upset or feel like he doesn't love you if he needs time away. There's nothing wrong with that, and that's actually healthy. 

Callaly
by Member on Jul. 25, 2014 at 10:01 PM
I know that time away is expected and otherwise needed but him just walking out and leaving me here to just think it gets me super anxious and i dont get less upset i get more upset.
He originally told me he would be going out tonight i was fine with it, even looking forward to time alone while DD was at her father's and SO out he said he would leave right after dinner so he wouldn't be back too late.. well he left at 5 and hes no where near coming home now. And now that he left like that and im upset the night i was lookiw forward to has turned into disaster


Quoting rockinmomto2:

Things change when you move in together. You're ALWAYS together. I love my husband to death, but I still need a break from him and the kids from time to time. Do we still spend time together? Absolutely. He's my favorite person ever. But I also love other people, and need to be away to miss him a bit. Maybe your BF is feeling overwhelmed, maybe he just needs more space. 

How about this: tomorrow, when you're both calm, talk to him. Maybe write some stuff out tonight that you want to talk to him about so that you don't forget, and be very matter of fact. Allow him to answer honestly, and accept his answers as they are. Don't get upset or feel like he doesn't love you if he needs time away. There's nothing wrong with that, and that's actually healthy. 

rockinmomto2
by on Jul. 25, 2014 at 10:26 PM

Honey, it's not a disaster. You need to just relax. Have some wine, watch your favorite movie or take a bath, and just chill. He's upset; it happens. Hell, it's 10:30 pm here, and my DH is having a rough night and being a dick. So he took a shower and just left to drive around for a while. He has some shit he needs to work out for himself, and that's okay. You need to just take some time for you. Talk in the morning, and don't be snarky or rude or anything, just be nice. Being kind really will get you everywhere in a relationship like this.

Quoting Callaly: I know that time away is expected and otherwise needed but him just walking out and leaving me here to just think it gets me super anxious and i dont get less upset i get more upset. He originally told me he would be going out tonight i was fine with it, even looking forward to time alone while DD was at her father's and SO out he said he would leave right after dinner so he wouldn't be back too late.. well he left at 5 and hes no where near coming home now. And now that he left like that and im upset the night i was lookiw forward to has turned into disaster
Quoting rockinmomto2:

Things change when you move in together. You're ALWAYS together. I love my husband to death, but I still need a break from him and the kids from time to time. Do we still spend time together? Absolutely. He's my favorite person ever. But I also love other people, and need to be away to miss him a bit. Maybe your BF is feeling overwhelmed, maybe he just needs more space. 

How about this: tomorrow, when you're both calm, talk to him. Maybe write some stuff out tonight that you want to talk to him about so that you don't forget, and be very matter of fact. Allow him to answer honestly, and accept his answers as they are. Don't get upset or feel like he doesn't love you if he needs time away. There's nothing wrong with that, and that's actually healthy. 


Callaly
by Member on Jul. 25, 2014 at 11:40 PM
I just really didnt think that it would be this hard. I took my time seriously got to know him we spent alot of time together and when we made the choice to move in together i thought it would be better then this. It just feels like before i was super involved in his life, spending time with friends ect.. and now because we live together he sees me daily and its all rush rush rush no quality time together and when we do have a few minutes theres a fight or disagreement and we are both hard headed so it is never just a small thing.

Quoting rockinmomto2:

Honey, it's not a disaster. You need to just relax. Have some wine, watch your favorite movie or take a bath, and just chill. He's upset; it happens. Hell, it's 10:30 pm here, and my DH is having a rough night and being a dick. So he took a shower and just left to drive around for a while. He has some shit he needs to work out for himself, and that's okay. You need to just take some time for you. Talk in the morning, and don't be snarky or rude or anything, just be nice. Being kind really will get you everywhere in a relationship like this.

Quoting Callaly: I know that time away is expected and otherwise needed but him just walking out and leaving me here to just think it gets me super anxious and i dont get less upset i get more upset.
He originally told me he would be going out tonight i was fine with it, even looking forward to time alone while DD was at her father's and SO out he said he would leave right after dinner so he wouldn't be back too late.. well he left at 5 and hes no where near coming home now. And now that he left like that and im upset the night i was lookiw forward to has turned into disaster


Quoting rockinmomto2:

Things change when you move in together. You're ALWAYS together. I love my husband to death, but I still need a break from him and the kids from time to time. Do we still spend time together? Absolutely. He's my favorite person ever. But I also love other people, and need to be away to miss him a bit. Maybe your BF is feeling overwhelmed, maybe he just needs more space. 

How about this: tomorrow, when you're both calm, talk to him. Maybe write some stuff out tonight that you want to talk to him about so that you don't forget, and be very matter of fact. Allow him to answer honestly, and accept his answers as they are. Don't get upset or feel like he doesn't love you if he needs time away. There's nothing wrong with that, and that's actually healthy. 

earthangel1967
by on Jul. 26, 2014 at 2:01 AM

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with an someone hanging out with some friends on their own now and then... but on the other hand from what you described it would bother me too.. because if I was dating someone for 4 yrs and our dymanic and relationship and the time we spent together including in regards to friends was a certain way long term like that you would grow to expect that is how you are as a couple and either both of you like it that way or don't and you  would expect if one of you didn't one of you would say so over 4 yrs of time before even living together.. AND since before you even moved in together you VOICED that you did NOT want how you guys are together to change by moving in to together and  he didnt bring up .. "well if we are living together I will need a little me time alone more often than when we weren't living together" and instead just went along with it like it wouldnt change.. I would feel decieved honestly and I would be thinking "This is not what I signed up for.. I wanted a relationship with someone who prefers to spend most of time with me even if it's while we are hanging out with other friends like we were the past 4 yrs so gave me every reason to believe that is ok to believe I could expect and to believe that is what he wanted to so we are a good match and on same page." ANd if we moved into together and he started living and acting and talking like someone different.. I woud personally at least "START" to have doubts about if he is who  and what I thought  he was and whether we will be a good match or not.  

I'm sorry you are upset and hurt.. I honestly would be too under the circumstances. 

im sorryhugs

I hope you two can calmly openly discuss this concern and work out something you are both comfortable with. HUGS

good luck


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Callaly
by Member on Jul. 26, 2014 at 6:18 PM
1 mom liked this

We spoke about it when he got home, and it was really heated at first but we figured everything out and know what we need to work on.

Quoting earthangel1967:

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with an someone hanging out with some friends on their own now and then... but on the other hand from what you described it would bother me too.. because if I was dating someone for 4 yrs and our dymanic and relationship and the time we spent together including in regards to friends was a certain way long term like that you would grow to expect that is how you are as a couple and either both of you like it that way or don't and you  would expect if one of you didn't one of you would say so over 4 yrs of time before even living together.. AND since before you even moved in together you VOICED that you did NOT want how you guys are together to change by moving in to together and  he didnt bring up .. "well if we are living together I will need a little me time alone more often than when we weren't living together" and instead just went along with it like it wouldnt change.. I would feel decieved honestly and I would be thinking "This is not what I signed up for.. I wanted a relationship with someone who prefers to spend most of time with me even if it's while we are hanging out with other friends like we were the past 4 yrs so gave me every reason to believe that is ok to believe I could expect and to believe that is what he wanted to so we are a good match and on same page." ANd if we moved into together and he started living and acting and talking like someone different.. I woud personally at least "START" to have doubts about if he is who  and what I thought  he was and whether we will be a good match or not.  

I'm sorry you are upset and hurt.. I honestly would be too under the circumstances. 

im sorryhugs

I hope you two can calmly openly discuss this concern and work out something you are both comfortable with. HUGS

good luck


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