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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

No ring.. What's the point if it's not going anywhere?!

Posted by on Jul. 27, 2014 at 5:55 PM
  • 37 Replies

I guess I'm hoping to reach out to woman who have perhaps been in the same situation before finally getting a ring...

SO and I have been together for 3 years, to cut a very long story short, I guess you can say that I have given more to this relationship in terms of sacrifices and changes than he has (not that it's a competition).

I'm happy with our relationship, it's not perfect but I still love it. I've been ready for marriage for a while now.

He has several issues

  1. Money; I only work PT at the moment, been looking for a FT job for awhile, so I'm optimistic that our current financial situation isn't a forever thing.
  2. He say's when we're not 'fighting' all the time he'll want to get married. He has a very high conflict ex (she's high functioning borderline disorder) who he has a daughter with, for the past 3 years she has consistently caused us stress, I am willing to accept that that's the way it will always be and trust that SO and I will always get through it (we have recently managed to get through false sexual abuse accusations together as a united couple, although it WAS stressful). The ex is the main source of contention for us, hence I think we're always going to be 'fighting'.
  3. He keeps bringing up his parents marriage which in his eyes was perfect! But his mother told me that her and her late husband, although most certainly were undeniably in love and great together most of the time, had many row's (not abusive) and came close to divorce a few times, however they kept all that from their sons, hence why SO has a 'fairytale' type veiw of marriage, which our 'fighting' of course doesn't fit in with his view.

Now, for us, our fighting USED to be bad! (Not abusive), we weren't very good at discussing things, we were thretening breaking up every fortnight. It was bad, even I wouldn't want to turn that into a marriage. But for the past year we have grown together SOOO much! Our 'fighting' now, is mostly just grumpiness and frustration, which in my mind... has to be normal, especially given the stress we have to deal with (the ex).

I'm at that point where I feel... if he doesn't feel he can get married now (not today of course), if he has all these issues... what's the point in continuing this relationship?!?! I just feel like this is as good as we'll get, things aren't perfect but for me, they're pretty damn good!!

I WANT SOOOO bad to get married to someone one day!

Am I being too impatient? When does one *KNOW* when to give up waiting??

I know that I don't want to work towards his idealized PERFECT relationship in order to get a ring, I'm not going to bite my tongue when his ex causes us stress and pretend I'm happy, I SPEAK my mind, if she's being a dick and trying to mess with OUR life, I'ma put my foot down!

Sorry, I wrote a novel, part vent, part plea for help and advice, if you read it all and can make sense of it, thank you so much xx

by on Jul. 27, 2014 at 5:55 PM
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Replies (1-10):
lucky2Beeme
by Silver Member on Jul. 27, 2014 at 5:58 PM
2 moms liked this

I am no help. I met got engaged and got married all within 1.5 years. I would never have lived or had a child without being married.  Not for everyone but how I was brought up and how I bring my kids up.

Surround yourself with people that add to your life not subtract from it.

UCFknight
by Silver Member on Jul. 27, 2014 at 6:04 PM
4 moms liked this

Your SO needs to understand there will never be a no issues/fighting period. We all have our days, and get snippy. With the ex, she will be in his life forever because of the daughter. If she is the source of most of your fighting, I would stop talking about her, period. I get people have problems with the baby mama/daddy. But he needs to understand he is making his own life miserable, as are you by bringing her into your relationship! There honestly should be no fighting. What is custody agreement, how much is CS?!! That is all that matters. Everything else is petty, silly crap that should be thrown out the window. 

Three years is a long time to be together. Serious discussions, should, if not already, need to be had. You shouldn't be three years in wondering if this guy will marry you or not. Not saying get married next week, but after a year my husband and I had several discussions about our future together, our expectations, family size, etc, etc. y'all need to start having those kind of talks. Good luck!

Fayanne
by Gold Member on Jul. 27, 2014 at 6:23 PM

 damn.. I could have written half of this myself.

I can't offer much advice, but I can offer 'sympathy'.

SO and I have been together just over three years.

The first year was great, and there were hints of marriage.  Now, he's been divorced twice. First ex was a bitch, second ex.. turned into one after not taking   her meds and having issues with both a miscarriage and her father's death. However,I can see that his pursuit of career probably had a fair contribution to the downfall of his second marriage, too. The first day we met I said to him "It's a wonder you haven't sworn off women altogether". Perhaps I should have said 'Do you ever plan to try marriage again?'

Anyway.. great first year. Hints of marriage.

Then, he lost his job. During year 2 he worked five hours from here, took a huge pay cut, and we saw each other only on weekends. That job was just a one year deal.

Then.. he got another job.. 1000 miles away. At the time he considered accepting the job, he said he would not take it without my blessing, and that I would join him when I can, financially. I was three years away from retirement with full benefits at the time, and the plan was I would join him there in three years (now two years away).

Welll.... since he lost that first job, I have struggled with not feeling like such a priority.. but, I was patient. The guy's been through a lot. He needs to rebuild his career, his reputation, and his finances.

The last year in particular has been hard,... 1,000 miles away, and I don't often feel like I am in his 'story'. When he was home, I'd here him tell people he came 'home' to see his parents, see his son, check on his house, but I never ever ever heard him tell anyone he came home to see me. His dog died in  my lap.. but his ex wife gets mentioned in that post on FB, not me. He is home to visit family and friends according to FB. Well... I'm not family.. so am I just a 'friend' ??? I drove myself, and him, nuts, many times, feeling like I am not a priority.. sick of competing with his career for time, and wondering where I fit in the picture. The first year I was treated like a queen.. and now.... not so much. At all.

And I'd never heard him say 'When we are married.. you can do this, and we'll do that'. He just says 'when you join me in TN, you can do this, and we'll do that'.

So.. a year ago, I told him of a conversation with a friend, in which I said to friend 'If he doesn't put a ring on it, I'm not going". In early June we had a HUGE conversation, and I repeated that again. I need to know what the plan is, because I can't give up my income, my career, and my insurance to be someone's live in girlfriend.  He said he didn't know for sure what the 'plan' really was.

Mind you, I am not going to force his hand. His first marriage wasn't his idea, it was hers, and when he wanted to back out, she and her parents talked him right back into it ( they were only 20 or 21 at the time). His second marriage.. she was pregnant.  So............ I want marraige to be his idea.. not something he is pushed or pressured into.

And....we had another huge talk last Thursday. I finally said "maybe I should have asked you three years ago, do you plan to ever get married again?".. His answer... sometimes he thinks 'no'.. sometimes he thinks 'yes'.. more 'yes' than 'no'. I was dumbfounded. IF after three years, you're not positive, buddy, then I shouldn't be retiring in two years. I can't. I would need to put in my letter of intent within five months... so.. my two year plan got flushed down the toilet.

He's concerned about not getting tenure, and losing his job (he teaches college) and putting me through that stress. I also think the scars of his first marriage still follow him, something I didn't realize until earlier that day.

I slept on the sofa that night. If he's not sure after three years, then , like you, I'm not sure this relationship is going to go much farther.

I bawled all night.

The following morning, he said he wants to make my 2 year plan work (still didn't mention marriage). Would that be okay? honestly, I didn't answer at first, but did tell him that I can't continue to put more into this relationship than he is willing to put in. He is the captain of this ship.

Well...  he wants to make it work. We shall see. I can already see I have started stepping out. He will need to step up if this is going to make it.

                   
    Life is divine chaos
Embrace it.  Forgive  yourself.   Breathe
           And enjoy the ride....   

MamaMerkle126
by Member on Jul. 27, 2014 at 6:30 PM
1 mom liked this

Well, I think one of the big problems is: "I WANT SOOOO bad to get married to someone one day!" <this.

I say that because it seems like you could potentially be pushing the relationship farther than it's capable of going based on the fact that you want to settle down. To summarize, because I'm sure you've thought of or heard this already, but if you and him aren't on the same page after three years, it's time to move on. That's more than enough time to decide if you want to spend your life with someone, regardless of problems. The bad stuff is what's supposed to make your relationship stronger, and if he's still bucking the idea of marriage because of the problems, he'll never be the right man for you to marry, because that's what marriage is: ups and downs, and how you deal with them.

I know it's easier said than done, but I think you need to tell him, "you're either in or you're out, because we'll always have tough times to get through. If you can't handle that, then I can't handle you anymore". Don't let him take advantage of you by keeping you around for convenience or comfort if he's still not willing to commit. You deserve more, and you deserve someone who will give it to you.

MMerrill
by Melissa on Jul. 27, 2014 at 6:35 PM
1 mom liked this

First off let me start by saying EXPECTATIONS can kill a marriage. He cannot hold a marriage that he doesn't even have yet, up to certain expectations or standards.  He will never meet those expectations.

Second, money will pretty much always be somewhat of an issue in life, weather you are single or married.  It's not a good excuse to not get married.

Third, everyone fights.  My in-laws have been married 27 years, so they are kind of my go to people about relationship advice.  In their 27 years they've been through it all and come close to divorce a time or two themselves, but they LEARNED and grew together and have made it 27 years so far... but even they still fight from time to time.  It's inevitable.

As long as the fights aren't abusive or extremely frequent, then it's pretty normal to have arguments.

It honestly sounds like he is making lame excuses on reasons to not get married.  I wouldn't necessarily end it right away, but I would probably be moving on pretty soon.  You can't force him to marry you and if marriage is something you want, you deserve to find someone who is on the same page! 

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MixedCooke
by Silver Member on Jul. 28, 2014 at 2:23 AM

You have to realize that this will not be his first marriage, so he is afraid of jumping in right away and doesnt want to make the same mistakes he did before.  Obviously there is a next step to take, but putting an ultimatum on him may make things worse.  I would still ask for a timetable that he would seriously consider marriage.

want10more
by Member on Jul. 28, 2014 at 4:03 AM

hmmmmmmmmmm. i dunno. my new hubby has an evil ex too, w/ kids involved. but he doesn't get into it w/ her..... and i must say? i thot my ex was a pretty good catch. more fool me. i wanted to get married.

i think i'd hesitate a bit........ you want marriage so badly, and he's just not seeming to be as happy to unite w/ you. my hubby's ex is batshit but that never came into our relationship, even w/ stepkids. he couldn't WAIT to marry me. you are gorgeous, sezzy and young. maybe just quit trying to get married and just date for a while? i think you might be pushing for something that in the end, might not be the best for you.

and i'm not someone that would wait for so long. long engagements are great for people that KNOW that they are ready, but are just trying to save money etc. but i'd not wait for no reason. and i'd not want to marry someone that wasn't batshit crazy happy to marry ME! just food for thot.

EarlGrayHot
by on Jul. 28, 2014 at 8:50 AM

Your MIL needs to talk to her son because he has an unreasonable view of marriage due to her keeping the truth about her own marriage from him.  It's also not right to argue all the time although you can be civil about it.  WE lived together for 11 years then decided to have a baby so we got married.  It also has some mother advantages such as being the one who decides what happens when one of you gets sick.  But I was never desperate toget married to anyone; in fact, I never tho9ught I'd ever get married until I met him.  Counseling would be a nice start.

MamaK88
by on Jul. 28, 2014 at 8:54 AM
1 mom liked this

It's 20fucking14.

Go to the jewelry store or pawn shop and buy HIM a ring.  

STVUstudent
by on Jul. 28, 2014 at 8:57 AM
1 mom liked this

You have been together 3 years.  Do you have children together?  He may, on some level, like the idea that he can walk away at any time, which technically he can.  No ring, no paper, he can just say "I am done with you, see you."

You may want  to look into "common law marraige" in your state.  You MAY be married in the eyes of the law.  I think it is long past time for this guy to make a decision.  Perhaps it would be helpful if his mother talked to him.  If he has an idealized view of marraige because of what he THINKS his parents had, well, who can compete with that? 

If you really want to get married, you may need to give him an ultimatum, and be prepared to walk away if he doesn't come through.

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