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Not wanting to, to wanting to & back...

Posted by on Jul. 30, 2014 at 1:09 AM
  • 11 Replies
Hey there ladies. New to the group. How is everyone doing? My story is kind of long. But would like opinions & such. This is sort of a vent as well.


Let me start off by saying over 4 yrs ago i could care less on EVER getting married or having kids period. Maybe one day but never truly cared. Well 4yrs my bestfriend & I got together (we met in h.s. 4yrs before). &we soon after spoke about our future we already knew everything about eachother. We had always had a thing for eaachother but he had his gfs & i had my bfs. We spoke about kids & marraige. Well we are engaged & have been for basically as long as we have been together (4yrs). We were going to get married but bc of some of his issues we just called it off & decided that when we were in a better place in our relationship that then we would get married. Basically being together has change our "old" mind set of neither one of us wanting to get married etc. Let me say we have had many ups & downs like many couples including 2 break ups (in the 1st yr) plus 3mc the 1st 2.5yrs & a little more.. well now he wants to be brand new saying he doesn't believe in marriage & I'm like ok?? Now he doesn't say it directly to me he says it in front of his "people". I have written him a letter (since im better at writing my emotions than speaking them in some cases & even asked if he still loved me as muh as he did in the beginning) & he answered everything & didn't bring up marriage. But i just let it go bc he can't avoid the topic forever. But recently he mentioned IT again after what i written him. I had said that it hurts my feelings like wtf you know. This time it was in front of his aunt, she said something (didn't hear it) & he goes & says well she can get married but not me. So, im like great i have to leave u & start all over if i wanna get married aren't you sweet. &he just gives me his little asshole smirk. So i was like good to know you know the other kid/kids you can go have kids with some other chick &be happy with her bc personally i don't need to have more kids I'm good. (He wants like 4/5kids i said I'd compromise with3 & we have 2little girls now.) Now i know it's not cool to say stuff out of anger but it just pushed me over the edge that day. &that was basically the end of that convo. But we will be having a serious talk about all of this. Bc with all that being said it feels like the relationship itself wont go further than basically being bf/gf even though we are engaged.

Now pls don't get me wrong he works hard for our girls & myself. Treats us great & everything. Yes, we bicker/fight (not physically) but who doesn't? It just breaks my heart & mind like how would you go from wanting us to get married to "not" believing in marriage.

Well if yall read this far. Thank you for letting me vent. Anyways to approach this without sounding like im going to rip his head off?

Thank you,

Meli
by on Jul. 30, 2014 at 1:09 AM
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Replies (1-10):
MixedCooke
by Silver Member on Jul. 30, 2014 at 1:26 AM

Marriage isnt for everyone and sometimes a relationship is better off without the piece of paper.  i would just want him to give you a clear answer that it is you that he wants to be with and he isnt hesitant because of something else.  Dont take a BS smirk for an answer, sit down and have a serious conversation because his response doesnt just affect you, it affects the kids.

xLilBit22
by on Jul. 30, 2014 at 1:34 AM
I completely agree which is why when i see him we will be having a serious talk. We aren't living together since we moved back to fl, but with the next month should have an apt (soonest availability).

Quoting MixedCooke:

Marriage isnt for everyone and sometimes a relationship is better off without the piece of paper.  i would just want him to give you a clear answer that it is you that he wants to be with and he isnt hesitant because of something else.  Dont take a BS smirk for an answer, sit down and have a serious conversation because his response doesnt just affect you, it affects the kids.

UCFknight
by Brenda on Jul. 30, 2014 at 8:06 AM

Your boyfriend needs to grow a backbone and behave the same way in front of others, as he does with you behind closed doors. He is too inconsistent. It is a simple question, are we on the road to marriage? Obviously you guys are already invested in a each other, with having two kids. Your lives are forever intertwined, but I don't see a problem with you asking and wanting a definitive answer to your marriage question. I hate wishy washy people. Why has his attitude towards marriage changed? Have you guys tried premarital counseling (many churches offer it for free)? You both need to figure out where your relationship is headed. I wouldn't take a maybe, or we will see, and then in front of family and friends you are belittled. It's a really simple question, yes or no.

furbabymum
by on Jul. 30, 2014 at 10:23 AM

 Get a different font color. That one sucks ass to read.

As for this, if you want to get married then move on. He's not going to marry you. He's not going to change. He may bring it up as a way to appease you but he's not going to do it. Accept that or move on.

furbabymum
by on Jul. 30, 2014 at 10:25 AM

 This statement confuses me. If it is truly "just a piece of paper" then how does it change the relationship in a negative way?

Quoting MixedCooke:

Marriage isnt for everyone and sometimes a relationship is better off without the piece of paper.  i would just want him to give you a clear answer that it is you that he wants to be with and he isnt hesitant because of something else.  Dont take a BS smirk for an answer, sit down and have a serious conversation because his response doesnt just affect you, it affects the kids.

 

Debisevil
by on Jul. 30, 2014 at 10:36 AM

I am glad my husband committed to our family.  I think guys that do this don't want to grow up and be a man,  He just wants all the benefits without the work.  I would move on and try to find someone else that wants something.  But that is me.  I am married and I want that family dynamic.  But it seems like he is intentionally trying to hurt you.

SissySmurf
by on Jul. 30, 2014 at 10:58 AM

Thank God for high-light because I couldn't see a thing you typed in that soft pink.. lol :)

I think a serious talk is exactly what you two need to have. I don't think letter writing (altho' I know what you're saying with that - I'm better at writing my emotions down and having someone read them than voicing them, too..) or being around anyone else where he can feel comfortable is the right way to go. I think you *both* need to step out of your comfort zone and expose yourself as much as you possibly can to get to the bottom of this. He finds - I dunno, sounds to me like he finds comfort or safety in telling his friends and family that he isn't going to marry you. But then again, he's not comfortable with sitting down with you and saying he isn't ready or he just changed his mind for whatever reason. He wouldn't be marrying or breaking up with his friends or family/aunt.. He'd either marry or be ending a relationship with you. If he goes on with how he's handling things now with this, he's gonna end up regretting it. 

Fayanne
by Platinum Member on Jul. 30, 2014 at 11:26 AM

 well... i would def not be having any more children with this man

 

MomToovey
by Marianne on Jul. 30, 2014 at 4:17 PM
1 mom liked this

 In a nutshell, I agree with what everyone else has said already. He needs to start being the same person with everyone he's around. If he's saying one thing to you and another thing to others, you need to find out which one is true (my guess is the side of him that doesn't want to get married is his true side, after all, you've been engaged 4 years).

And in the end, you need to decide which is more important to you, a marriage, or staying in this relationship. As an outsider, I wouldn't want to stay with someone who strings me along like that all the time. I'd rather cut my losses and find someone else who wants to be with me.

ablox
by Aisha on Jul. 31, 2014 at 9:05 AM
If you really wan to get married I don't think you will be able to do it with him. Why is he a dick in front of everyone but different when he's with you by himself. That would piss me off. I wasn't taking not getting married as an excuse because that's what I want my child and future children to know. So you just have I decide for yourself.
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