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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

What is Love?

Posted by on Aug. 6, 2014 at 10:27 AM
  • 32 Replies

I am semi new to this group, but not to cafemom. I have been struggling in my marriage for a long time now, and partially because I have no real family support on my half, and I don't really have any good friends to relate to..so I thought I would reach out and try to get some advice! 

Ok, My husband and I met June of 2007, we had just graduated highschool, by August of 2007 we had started dating and were engaged in November of the same year, and married February 2008, pregnant a week after we got married. We broke up twice before our daughter was born. We didn't really know each other well enough to get married, but my parents were super religious and he was my escape. About 2 months after our daughter was born we got back together and decided to make it work. Well lets just say it has not been an easy road at all...breaking up is constantly a topic in our relationship, at the same time we do love each other and we have become each others best friends. 

We have built a life together for the last 7 years, but in that time I have completely lost myself, and I've been up and down with depression. I want to be happy in my relationship, but it's hard, because of things that have happened over the last 7 years, some I just can't seem to get over. 

I'm so lost as to what to do, where to start, how to start...it's all a mess in my eyes! 

How do I know if we should keep working on this? What is Love? All I have seen in my life is divorce and unhappiness and that is partially why I stay, I feel guilty to wanting to leave, but I feel like I just want to be alone all the time. 

This is probably really scrambled so if you read it and reply thank you ahead of time ;) 

by on Aug. 6, 2014 at 10:27 AM
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Replies (1-10):
furbabymum
by on Aug. 6, 2014 at 10:29 AM
4 moms liked this

 BABY DON'T HURT ME. DON'T HURT ME. NO MORE! WHAT IS LOVE!

Whoo. Glad I got that out.

furbabymum
by on Aug. 6, 2014 at 10:36 AM

 On to the real reply. I'm going to break this into sections.

If you've lost yourself that is no ones fault but your own. It's not horrible. Just find yourself again. Simplistic right? Well it really rather is. What do you like? What do you like to do? Do it. Find your happiness. It's within you. Once you're happy with yourself the rest of the world will be easy. Perhaps you should look into medication and therapy for depression while you are on this journey to self discovery.

Next, stop making breaking up an option. The only D in my marriage is Death. Whether that means of old age or me stabbing him is up in the air. :P Anyway, just knock it off. When things get hard you don't go to the stupid "let's break up" place. You go to the more difficult, "what is wrong and how can we fix it" place. If marriage were easy everyone would be doing it. Fact is it's not. It's difficult and messy and worth every single bit of energy. So just knock that shit off. Don't say it. Don't think it. Just don't. It helps nothing.

So give us some more details here. What can't you get over? Why can't you get over it? You obsessing? You realize we are all capable of controlling our thoughts right?

familyfederle
by Member on Aug. 6, 2014 at 10:44 AM

BUMP!

aimesnyc
by Amy on Aug. 6, 2014 at 10:48 AM
1 mom liked this

lmao omg great minds! ;)

Quoting furbabymum:

 BABY DON'T HURT ME. DON'T HURT ME. NO MORE! WHAT IS LOVE!

Whoo. Glad I got that out.


ahleesha14
by Bronze Member on Aug. 6, 2014 at 10:54 AM

It sounds like you guys got married for an escape. Love is complicated and messy. What I have found love to be is you think of the person day and night. You can talk about anything. You miss each other when you are not around each other. You can't imagine life without that person. That person makes you happy. You are there for each other and help each other out. You both know you are in love with each other. Thats what I think love is. You know when you are in love. Its powerful.

lovenfitness
by on Aug. 6, 2014 at 11:07 AM

First of all, thank you so much for this reply. 

You are so right, I have started working out because I know that that is something that makes me happy, and makes me feel good about myself and when I do that things look better!!! 

I agree, in marriage breaking up should not be an option!

Ok...a little more back story.

Even though our relationship has always been a bit rocky, before 2012 It was getting better. In January of 2012 he left for the navy, however he got a medical discharge right before he was supposed to graduate boot camp. He came back and was not the same. We moved to my home state for a little bit and I was excited because I was going to be close to my family, well two hours away, but still I was happy. However, we got there and he traded my car in for a stick shift and refused to teach me how to drive, and to make up for it he bought me a stroller and told me I could walk where I needed to go. 

During the time in WI he worked a lot so we didn't see much of eachother, so I just sat alone with my daughter in an apartment 2 hours away from my family (after being 2000 miles away from them). Anyways, during this time we weren't intimate as often, he was always too tired, however he wasn't too tired to constantly ask for a threesome. On easter morning, right after waking up, he told me that he wanted to be able to cheat on me once in a while and his reason was "if you have steak every night you will get bored, so it's good to have tuna once in a while". Needless to say that was the moment I fell out of love. 

Fast forward to July of that year we had heard a radio show on swinging...and I thought (stupidly) "maybe if I do this he will love me and only want to be with me"...well I was wrong. We ended up separating a year later for only 2 months. Then he changed...He is sweet and caring, however he still wants to "swing". He says he doesn't care about whether we do it or not...but constantly talks about other women and makes me feel so insecure. 

I know...this is all a mess. Trust me I feel it inside! 


Quoting furbabymum:

 On to the real reply. I'm going to break this into sections.

If you've lost yourself that is no ones fault but your own. It's not horrible. Just find yourself again. Simplistic right? Well it really rather is. What do you like? What do you like to do? Do it. Find your happiness. It's within you. Once you're happy with yourself the rest of the world will be easy. Perhaps you should look into medication and therapy for depression while you are on this journey to self discovery.

Next, stop making breaking up an option. The only D in my marriage is Death. Whether that means of old age or me stabbing him is up in the air. :P Anyway, just knock it off. When things get hard you don't go to the stupid "let's break up" place. You go to the more difficult, "what is wrong and how can we fix it" place. If marriage were easy everyone would be doing it. Fact is it's not. It's difficult and messy and worth every single bit of energy. So just knock that shit off. Don't say it. Don't think it. Just don't. It helps nothing.

So give us some more details here. What can't you get over? Why can't you get over it? You obsessing? You realize we are all capable of controlling our thoughts right?


furbabymum
by on Aug. 6, 2014 at 11:15 AM

 Ah well you've stumped me there. I wish Anryan was getting on more as she has incredible insight into these situations.

I think that probably is a deal breaker. You either accept an open relationship or you divorce. He's made it quite clear that he wants to fuck other women. I can assure you that has nothing to do with you, this is all him.

Quoting lovenfitness:

First of all, thank you so much for this reply. 

You are so right, I have started working out because I know that that is something that makes me happy, and makes me feel good about myself and when I do that things look better!!! 

I agree, in marriage breaking up should not be an option!

Ok...a little more back story.

Even though our relationship has always been a bit rocky, before 2012 It was getting better. In January of 2012 he left for the navy, however he got a medical discharge right before he was supposed to graduate boot camp. He came back and was not the same. We moved to my home state for a little bit and I was excited because I was going to be close to my family, well two hours away, but still I was happy. However, we got there and he traded my car in for a stick shift and refused to teach me how to drive, and to make up for it he bought me a stroller and told me I could walk where I needed to go. 

During the time in WI he worked a lot so we didn't see much of eachother, so I just sat alone with my daughter in an apartment 2 hours away from my family (after being 2000 miles away from them). Anyways, during this time we weren't intimate as often, he was always too tired, however he wasn't too tired to constantly ask for a threesome. On easter morning, right after waking up, he told me that he wanted to be able to cheat on me once in a while and his reason was "if you have steak every night you will get bored, so it's good to have tuna once in a while". Needless to say that was the moment I fell out of love. 

Fast forward to July of that year we had heard a radio show on swinging...and I thought (stupidly) "maybe if I do this he will love me and only want to be with me"...well I was wrong. We ended up separating a year later for only 2 months. Then he changed...He is sweet and caring, however he still wants to "swing". He says he doesn't care about whether we do it or not...but constantly talks about other women and makes me feel so insecure. 

I know...this is all a mess. Trust me I feel it inside! 

Quoting furbabymum:

 On to the real reply. I'm going to break this into sections.

If you've lost yourself that is no ones fault but your own. It's not horrible. Just find yourself again. Simplistic right? Well it really rather is. What do you like? What do you like to do? Do it. Find your happiness. It's within you. Once you're happy with yourself the rest of the world will be easy. Perhaps you should look into medication and therapy for depression while you are on this journey to self discovery.

Next, stop making breaking up an option. The only D in my marriage is Death. Whether that means of old age or me stabbing him is up in the air. :P Anyway, just knock it off. When things get hard you don't go to the stupid "let's break up" place. You go to the more difficult, "what is wrong and how can we fix it" place. If marriage were easy everyone would be doing it. Fact is it's not. It's difficult and messy and worth every single bit of energy. So just knock that shit off. Don't say it. Don't think it. Just don't. It helps nothing.

So give us some more details here. What can't you get over? Why can't you get over it? You obsessing? You realize we are all capable of controlling our thoughts right?

 

lovenfitness
by on Aug. 6, 2014 at 11:20 AM

When I read this...it solidifies what I believe. Those are my choices! And I know what I want to do...it's just I feel so guilty for breaking up my family...what my daughter will go through, again.

Quoting furbabymum:

 Ah well you've stumped me there. I wish Anryan was getting on more as she has incredible insight into these situations.

I think that probably is a deal breaker. You either accept an open relationship or you divorce. He's made it quite clear that he wants to fuck other women. I can assure you that has nothing to do with you, this is all him.

Quoting lovenfitness:

First of all, thank you so much for this reply. 

You are so right, I have started working out because I know that that is something that makes me happy, and makes me feel good about myself and when I do that things look better!!! 

I agree, in marriage breaking up should not be an option!

Ok...a little more back story.

Even though our relationship has always been a bit rocky, before 2012 It was getting better. In January of 2012 he left for the navy, however he got a medical discharge right before he was supposed to graduate boot camp. He came back and was not the same. We moved to my home state for a little bit and I was excited because I was going to be close to my family, well two hours away, but still I was happy. However, we got there and he traded my car in for a stick shift and refused to teach me how to drive, and to make up for it he bought me a stroller and told me I could walk where I needed to go. 

During the time in WI he worked a lot so we didn't see much of eachother, so I just sat alone with my daughter in an apartment 2 hours away from my family (after being 2000 miles away from them). Anyways, during this time we weren't intimate as often, he was always too tired, however he wasn't too tired to constantly ask for a threesome. On easter morning, right after waking up, he told me that he wanted to be able to cheat on me once in a while and his reason was "if you have steak every night you will get bored, so it's good to have tuna once in a while". Needless to say that was the moment I fell out of love. 

Fast forward to July of that year we had heard a radio show on swinging...and I thought (stupidly) "maybe if I do this he will love me and only want to be with me"...well I was wrong. We ended up separating a year later for only 2 months. Then he changed...He is sweet and caring, however he still wants to "swing". He says he doesn't care about whether we do it or not...but constantly talks about other women and makes me feel so insecure. 

I know...this is all a mess. Trust me I feel it inside! 

Quoting furbabymum:

 On to the real reply. I'm going to break this into sections.

If you've lost yourself that is no ones fault but your own. It's not horrible. Just find yourself again. Simplistic right? Well it really rather is. What do you like? What do you like to do? Do it. Find your happiness. It's within you. Once you're happy with yourself the rest of the world will be easy. Perhaps you should look into medication and therapy for depression while you are on this journey to self discovery.

Next, stop making breaking up an option. The only D in my marriage is Death. Whether that means of old age or me stabbing him is up in the air. :P Anyway, just knock it off. When things get hard you don't go to the stupid "let's break up" place. You go to the more difficult, "what is wrong and how can we fix it" place. If marriage were easy everyone would be doing it. Fact is it's not. It's difficult and messy and worth every single bit of energy. So just knock that shit off. Don't say it. Don't think it. Just don't. It helps nothing.

So give us some more details here. What can't you get over? Why can't you get over it? You obsessing? You realize we are all capable of controlling our thoughts right?

 


furbabymum
by on Aug. 6, 2014 at 11:24 AM

 It does not sound like your daughter is in a stable situation right now anyway. If breaking up with your DH enables you to establish a stable situation elsewhere for your DD and yourself, well that's a huge + to breaking up imo.

Quoting lovenfitness:

When I read this...it solidifies what I believe. Those are my choices! And I know what I want to do...it's just I feel so guilty for breaking up my family...what my daughter will go through, again.

Quoting furbabymum:

 Ah well you've stumped me there. I wish Anryan was getting on more as she has incredible insight into these situations.

I think that probably is a deal breaker. You either accept an open relationship or you divorce. He's made it quite clear that he wants to fuck other women. I can assure you that has nothing to do with you, this is all him.

Quoting lovenfitness:

First of all, thank you so much for this reply. 

You are so right, I have started working out because I know that that is something that makes me happy, and makes me feel good about myself and when I do that things look better!!! 

I agree, in marriage breaking up should not be an option!

Ok...a little more back story.

Even though our relationship has always been a bit rocky, before 2012 It was getting better. In January of 2012 he left for the navy, however he got a medical discharge right before he was supposed to graduate boot camp. He came back and was not the same. We moved to my home state for a little bit and I was excited because I was going to be close to my family, well two hours away, but still I was happy. However, we got there and he traded my car in for a stick shift and refused to teach me how to drive, and to make up for it he bought me a stroller and told me I could walk where I needed to go. 

During the time in WI he worked a lot so we didn't see much of eachother, so I just sat alone with my daughter in an apartment 2 hours away from my family (after being 2000 miles away from them). Anyways, during this time we weren't intimate as often, he was always too tired, however he wasn't too tired to constantly ask for a threesome. On easter morning, right after waking up, he told me that he wanted to be able to cheat on me once in a while and his reason was "if you have steak every night you will get bored, so it's good to have tuna once in a while". Needless to say that was the moment I fell out of love. 

Fast forward to July of that year we had heard a radio show on swinging...and I thought (stupidly) "maybe if I do this he will love me and only want to be with me"...well I was wrong. We ended up separating a year later for only 2 months. Then he changed...He is sweet and caring, however he still wants to "swing". He says he doesn't care about whether we do it or not...but constantly talks about other women and makes me feel so insecure. 

I know...this is all a mess. Trust me I feel it inside! 

Quoting furbabymum:

 On to the real reply. I'm going to break this into sections.

If you've lost yourself that is no ones fault but your own. It's not horrible. Just find yourself again. Simplistic right? Well it really rather is. What do you like? What do you like to do? Do it. Find your happiness. It's within you. Once you're happy with yourself the rest of the world will be easy. Perhaps you should look into medication and therapy for depression while you are on this journey to self discovery.

Next, stop making breaking up an option. The only D in my marriage is Death. Whether that means of old age or me stabbing him is up in the air. :P Anyway, just knock it off. When things get hard you don't go to the stupid "let's break up" place. You go to the more difficult, "what is wrong and how can we fix it" place. If marriage were easy everyone would be doing it. Fact is it's not. It's difficult and messy and worth every single bit of energy. So just knock that shit off. Don't say it. Don't think it. Just don't. It helps nothing.

So give us some more details here. What can't you get over? Why can't you get over it? You obsessing? You realize we are all capable of controlling our thoughts right?

 

 

lovenfitness
by on Aug. 6, 2014 at 11:28 AM

Again, you're right. My husband tells me he doesn't need that stuff, that he only wants me blah blah blah, but my heart is so hardened towards him that I don't believe it. 

Quoting furbabymum:

 It does not sound like your daughter is in a stable situation right now anyway. If breaking up with your DH enables you to establish a stable situation elsewhere for your DD and yourself, well that's a huge + to breaking up imo.

Quoting lovenfitness:

When I read this...it solidifies what I believe. Those are my choices! And I know what I want to do...it's just I feel so guilty for breaking up my family...what my daughter will go through, again.

Quoting furbabymum:

 Ah well you've stumped me there. I wish Anryan was getting on more as she has incredible insight into these situations.

I think that probably is a deal breaker. You either accept an open relationship or you divorce. He's made it quite clear that he wants to fuck other women. I can assure you that has nothing to do with you, this is all him.

Quoting lovenfitness:

First of all, thank you so much for this reply. 

You are so right, I have started working out because I know that that is something that makes me happy, and makes me feel good about myself and when I do that things look better!!! 

I agree, in marriage breaking up should not be an option!

Ok...a little more back story.

Even though our relationship has always been a bit rocky, before 2012 It was getting better. In January of 2012 he left for the navy, however he got a medical discharge right before he was supposed to graduate boot camp. He came back and was not the same. We moved to my home state for a little bit and I was excited because I was going to be close to my family, well two hours away, but still I was happy. However, we got there and he traded my car in for a stick shift and refused to teach me how to drive, and to make up for it he bought me a stroller and told me I could walk where I needed to go. 

During the time in WI he worked a lot so we didn't see much of eachother, so I just sat alone with my daughter in an apartment 2 hours away from my family (after being 2000 miles away from them). Anyways, during this time we weren't intimate as often, he was always too tired, however he wasn't too tired to constantly ask for a threesome. On easter morning, right after waking up, he told me that he wanted to be able to cheat on me once in a while and his reason was "if you have steak every night you will get bored, so it's good to have tuna once in a while". Needless to say that was the moment I fell out of love. 

Fast forward to July of that year we had heard a radio show on swinging...and I thought (stupidly) "maybe if I do this he will love me and only want to be with me"...well I was wrong. We ended up separating a year later for only 2 months. Then he changed...He is sweet and caring, however he still wants to "swing". He says he doesn't care about whether we do it or not...but constantly talks about other women and makes me feel so insecure. 

I know...this is all a mess. Trust me I feel it inside! 

Quoting furbabymum:

 On to the real reply. I'm going to break this into sections.

If you've lost yourself that is no ones fault but your own. It's not horrible. Just find yourself again. Simplistic right? Well it really rather is. What do you like? What do you like to do? Do it. Find your happiness. It's within you. Once you're happy with yourself the rest of the world will be easy. Perhaps you should look into medication and therapy for depression while you are on this journey to self discovery.

Next, stop making breaking up an option. The only D in my marriage is Death. Whether that means of old age or me stabbing him is up in the air. :P Anyway, just knock it off. When things get hard you don't go to the stupid "let's break up" place. You go to the more difficult, "what is wrong and how can we fix it" place. If marriage were easy everyone would be doing it. Fact is it's not. It's difficult and messy and worth every single bit of energy. So just knock that shit off. Don't say it. Don't think it. Just don't. It helps nothing.

So give us some more details here. What can't you get over? Why can't you get over it? You obsessing? You realize we are all capable of controlling our thoughts right?

 

 


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