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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Need advice on how to patch broken relationship...

Posted by on Aug. 7, 2014 at 11:35 AM
  • 29 Replies

DF and I have been together almost 5yrs and have a 2yr old. I am also 37wks pregnant. About a week and a half ago, I caught him cheating on me. He was sexting a girl he met at the bar he works at part time and slept with her one night when I was at work. To my knowledge, they were only in contact about 2-3 weeks. He broke off contact with her after I found out. The days since then have been a rollercoaster from us deciding to work it out to me throwing him out and back. Our relationship has been rocky for some time, but I had not realized it was quite this bad. His reasoning for his actions were that he has started to feel emasculated, has lost himself, and needs more freedom. I've been upset with him for months for not pulling his weight financially and emotionally for our family, using his ADHD as a crutch, and not handling his responsibilities around the house. During the week of drama, he asked for a month to move out, suggested living apart for a time, expressed an interest in dating me again, and said he needed to spend more time with his friends. Did I mention I'm 37wks pregnant, due 8/28, and planning a home birth? I finally told him a day or two ago that none of that was fair to me and that he needed to decide if he was going to stay with me and be part of this family or whether he was going to go. I have a baby to plan for and don't have time for his selfishness. He said he wanted to stay and suggested that we go to counseling. I think that's a great idea because I never truly wanted to separate and am committed to mending our relationship. Our finances are stabilizing so that legally marrying would make sense and I was (previously) planning on suggesting that we do it after the baby was born. 

Here's my question, I'm not sure our insurance will cover counseling. We are currently finishing up paying our midwife, so we will not be able to afford paying out of pocket until next payday which is in two weeks. Also, counseling is a process and results are not immediate. Unfortunately, there is a timeline on me feeling safe with him because I'm about to give birth. Things have been normal-ish at home, but I still feel extremely awkward. Somehow, I feel like I'm the one that has to fight for him to stay. I do understand him wanting find himself again because so do I, but I have no idea how to achieve that right now. If he desperately needs independence, I desperately need attention and emotional support. I felt uncomfortable that he was present for my prenatal appointment this week and I was fully clothed the entire time. I told him before he left for work this morning that I wanted to talk about us when he got home and he said ok. I'm hoping to find some ideas on how to balance our needs right now. I don't want to return to the status quo and have these issues resurface because they weren't addressed nor do I want his presence to hinder this birth. How do I balance his need for autonomy with my need for intimacy? Are there internet resources to aid communication? Is there a book I should buy? I want to gently start the healing process while we get counseling sorted out. I also want him to understand that he has to put effort into this too. 

I'm sorry this is long. I just wanted to get some back story out there. Thanks in advance for suggestions.

by on Aug. 7, 2014 at 11:35 AM
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Replies (1-10):
MomToovey
by Marianne on Aug. 7, 2014 at 12:00 PM
2 moms liked this

 Well, first, I love that you're both open to counseling. I do believe couples can work through infidelity if both parties are willing to put forth the work and are 100% committed to it.

I do know pastors tend to give free, or at least very affordable, counseling, and I don't think you need to be a member of the church for this service. I may be wrong, but it might be something for you to look into.

As far as what to do in the meantime, all my book suggestions are religious. That doesn't mean you have to be religious to reap the benefits, but I do understand that can be off-putting if it's not something you're in to. I'll recommend them just in case:

The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. This book really isn't about healing from infidelity, however, it will show both of you how to effectively communicate (both verbally and physically) your love for each other.

The Love Dare by Alex Kendrick. A movie has also been made based on this book. It's called Fireproof.

And, The Power of a Praying Wife. Again, it's specifically about prayer, however, it's also specifically for women who feel lost/alone in their marriage.

Whatever you end up doing, I want to wish you the best of luck. ((HUGS))

themissheather
by Member on Aug. 7, 2014 at 12:11 PM

Thank you! We're not religious, but we're certainly not opposed to it. I know they there are so open minded churches in our city, so I will look into them. Open minded may not be the right term, but they have rainbow flags and signs that say all are welcome, so I don't need to be a certain denomination. That's something I would have never thought of. I'm going to check out The Five Love Languages first. Communication, at least for me, is a bigger issue than the infidelity. Thank you again for the suggestions

Quoting MomToovey:

 Well, first, I love that you're both open to counseling. I do believe couples can work through infidelity if both parties are willing to put forth the work and are 100% committed to it.

I do know pastors tend to give free, or at least very affordable, counseling, and I don't think you need to be a member of the church for this service. I may be wrong, but it might be something for you to look into.

As far as what to do in the meantime, all my book suggestions are religious. That doesn't mean you have to be religious to reap the benefits, but I do understand that can be off-putting if it's not something you're in to. I'll recommend them just in case:

The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. This book really isn't about healing from infidelity, however, it will show both of you how to effectively communicate (both verbally and physically) your love for each other.

The Love Dare by Alex Kendrick. A movie has also been made based on this book. It's called Fireproof.

And, The Power of a Praying Wife. Again, it's specifically about prayer, however, it's also specifically for women who feel lost/alone in their marriage.

Whatever you end up doing, I want to wish you the best of luck. ((HUGS))


furbabymum
by Gold Member on Aug. 7, 2014 at 12:34 PM
1 mom liked this

 Hmm. I'm puzzeling over this one. I suppose my one big issue here is that you say you feel you need to fight for him. That is not how this is supposed to go.

I realize you are pregnant and pregnancy and another child bring huge insability into our lives. I absolutely understand why you would want to nail him down at this time. I do not think that is a good idea though. It is my opinion that you need to separate and continue your life as if he is not a reliable part of it. I honestly don't see him as a reliable part in it right now. I'm not seeing his contribution to your current life. I'm sure it's here somewhere but I don't see it.

furbabymum
by Gold Member on Aug. 7, 2014 at 12:36 PM

 As far as counseling there are available resources. I'd contact your county department of health to see what they could suggest for free or discounted services.

I am not a huge fan of religious counseling as I find it far too swayed toward men than I am comfortable with. That is probably just me. If that's all you can get then you best get it.

ebmars2681
by Member on Aug. 7, 2014 at 12:43 PM
1 mom liked this

hugs

themissheather
by Member on Aug. 7, 2014 at 12:48 PM

I completely agree that's not how it's supposed to go. I am having a hard time deciding if I would have the same feeling if I wasn't pregnant. I don't think I would, but he wants to come to the birth and I have to feel comfortable with him for that to happen. 

I don't see him as reliable either. I haven't for a long time. Even now he says he wants to work it out, but his actions are showing that he's more focused on himself. That's why I wanted to talk him to tonight, to gauge his commitment and reinforce that both of our needs have to be met. He just started a new job about 2.5 month ago after not working for months. I'm on leave and we have no savings because they were spent when he was sitting on the couch. He's making good money now, but I would be totally dependant on him financially for awhile which makes me uncomfortable and we couldn't afford two rents, so I don't know where he'd go. It's a super tough situation. Part of me thinks you are absolutely right, so I guess I will see how tonight's talk goes and then reassess. I just don't want to look at my kids going between homes and regret I didn't try all I could. Ugh .. why couldn't he have pulled this stupid shit when I wasn't so pregnant.

Quoting furbabymum:

 Hmm. I'm puzzeling over this one. I suppose my one big issue here is that you say you feel you need to fight for him. That is not how this is supposed to go.

I realize you are pregnant and pregnancy and another child bring huge insability into our lives. I absolutely understand why you would want to nail him down at this time. I do not think that is a good idea though. It is my opinion that you need to separate and continue your life as if he is not a reliable part of it. I honestly don't see him as a reliable part in it right now. I'm not seeing his contribution to your current life. I'm sure it's here somewhere but I don't see it.


themissheather
by Member on Aug. 7, 2014 at 12:49 PM

Something else I wouldn't have thought of. Thank you!

Quoting furbabymum:

 As far as counseling there are available resources. I'd contact your county department of health to see what they could suggest for free or discounted services.

I am not a huge fan of religious counseling as I find it far too swayed toward men than I am comfortable with. That is probably just me. If that's all you can get then you best get it.


Serenity7
by Platinum Member on Aug. 7, 2014 at 12:54 PM
1 mom liked this

((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))

 

 photo john22_zps8fcdd2b6.png
furbabymum
by Gold Member on Aug. 7, 2014 at 12:58 PM

 I think it's nice for you to be wanting to try but it takes 2 to tango, as they say. So if he doesn't put anything in you're effort will be for naught.

Quoting themissheather:

I completely agree that's not how it's supposed to go. I am having a hard time deciding if I would have the same feeling if I wasn't pregnant. I don't think I would, but he wants to come to the birth and I have to feel comfortable with him for that to happen. 

I don't see him as reliable either. I haven't for a long time. Even now he says he wants to work it out, but his actions are showing that he's more focused on himself. That's why I wanted to talk him to tonight, to gauge his commitment and reinforce that both of our needs have to be met. He just started a new job about 2.5 month ago after not working for months. I'm on leave and we have no savings because they were spent when he was sitting on the couch. He's making good money now, but I would be totally dependant on him financially for awhile which makes me uncomfortable and we couldn't afford two rents, so I don't know where he'd go. It's a super tough situation. Part of me thinks you are absolutely right, so I guess I will see how tonight's talk goes and then reassess. I just don't want to look at my kids going between homes and regret I didn't try all I could. Ugh .. why couldn't he have pulled this stupid shit when I wasn't so pregnant.

Quoting furbabymum:

 Hmm. I'm puzzeling over this one. I suppose my one big issue here is that you say you feel you need to fight for him. That is not how this is supposed to go.

I realize you are pregnant and pregnancy and another child bring huge insability into our lives. I absolutely understand why you would want to nail him down at this time. I do not think that is a good idea though. It is my opinion that you need to separate and continue your life as if he is not a reliable part of it. I honestly don't see him as a reliable part in it right now. I'm not seeing his contribution to your current life. I'm sure it's here somewhere but I don't see it.

 

themissheather
by Member on Aug. 7, 2014 at 1:19 PM

I completely agree. I have minimal faith in him to change, but for some reason want to at least give him the chance.

Quoting furbabymum:

 I think it's nice for you to be wanting to try but it takes 2 to tango, as they say. So if he doesn't put anything in you're effort will be for naught.

Quoting themissheather:

I completely agree that's not how it's supposed to go. I am having a hard time deciding if I would have the same feeling if I wasn't pregnant. I don't think I would, but he wants to come to the birth and I have to feel comfortable with him for that to happen. 

I don't see him as reliable either. I haven't for a long time. Even now he says he wants to work it out, but his actions are showing that he's more focused on himself. That's why I wanted to talk him to tonight, to gauge his commitment and reinforce that both of our needs have to be met. He just started a new job about 2.5 month ago after not working for months. I'm on leave and we have no savings because they were spent when he was sitting on the couch. He's making good money now, but I would be totally dependant on him financially for awhile which makes me uncomfortable and we couldn't afford two rents, so I don't know where he'd go. It's a super tough situation. Part of me thinks you are absolutely right, so I guess I will see how tonight's talk goes and then reassess. I just don't want to look at my kids going between homes and regret I didn't try all I could. Ugh .. why couldn't he have pulled this stupid shit when I wasn't so pregnant.

Quoting furbabymum:

 Hmm. I'm puzzeling over this one. I suppose my one big issue here is that you say you feel you need to fight for him. That is not how this is supposed to go.

I realize you are pregnant and pregnancy and another child bring huge insability into our lives. I absolutely understand why you would want to nail him down at this time. I do not think that is a good idea though. It is my opinion that you need to separate and continue your life as if he is not a reliable part of it. I honestly don't see him as a reliable part in it right now. I'm not seeing his contribution to your current life. I'm sure it's here somewhere but I don't see it.

 


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