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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Failing marriage and now cancer.

Posted by on Aug. 8, 2014 at 1:11 PM
  • 21 Replies

Hi ladies,

I've been sharing on here for a while now about my troubled marriage.  

Basically earlier this summer my husband said he didn't see our marriage working out, I didn't make him happy, and he was looking at separating.  We have two kids, whom he adores so that makes this difficult plus I was the one that really wanted to make this work and fix things.

Well, I soon learned that he was having an emotional affair with a female he met earlier this year.  They'd exchanged emails that later turned to phone calls.  He agreed to stop talking to her after I told him I'd move out with the kids. I feel like he didn't mean it though.  I feel like he just said it because he doesn't want to lose the kids.

They did contact each other again but he said it was to let her know he can't talk to her anymore.

Well, as if my failing marriage wasn't enough heartache, we just found out that my husband was diagnosed with cancer.  I don't know how to deal with this, I love him of course and don't wish ill on him but at the same time I'm very angry and disappointed in his actions and him quitting on our marriage.

I just don't know what to do.  Part of me wants to stand by him and support him all the way as he goes through this trial in life.  But then part of me feels like he wanted out anyway and didn't want me part of his life so I should let it be.

Plus on top of this, I recently discovered that he's made phone calls through a calling card that seems suspicius.  My gut feeling is teling me someting is up, I feel ike he's uisng a calling card so that I can't see the actual number he's contacting.  But the length of the conversations and the frequency is sending me a red flag. Plus he's never used a calling card before through his cell phone!

What makes this more complicated is that we are getting along better than ever now, funny how that works. We've been sharing affection, he says he loves me, still kisses me, and acts okay around me.  But I can't help but feel like he's holding on to a part of me while hiding something at the same time.

Am I missing a clear signal here that I don't see?  Maybe I don't want to admit the truth.  I still want to hold onto the idea that we can reconnect and be in love again.  But maybe I'm holding onto false hope??

What would you ladies do in this situation?  Would you stand by him no matter what, just like the vows say- in sickness or in health.  Or would you stand back?

by on Aug. 8, 2014 at 1:11 PM
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Replies (1-10):
hismommy2010
by on Aug. 8, 2014 at 1:15 PM
3 moms liked this
Cancer now? Looks like karma bit him in the arse. Chances are if this cancer requires. Chemo or radiation and his health goes down hill, this other lady wont be sticking around for him, im sure
meagan517
by Member on Aug. 8, 2014 at 1:15 PM
1 mom liked this
What do you truly want to do? Regardless of the cancer. Put that aside.

If you want it to work then tell him but also tell him that you know he's hiding things and if he wants it to work also then it has to stop.

M4LG5
by Bronze Member on Aug. 8, 2014 at 1:17 PM

 because he has a track record that cannot be trusted, I would approach him about the calling card.  You two can be getting along because he is taking actions towards you that you want and you are accepting it.  The way he is acting towards you seems very hopeful and promising but please remember your gut feeling that something isn't right. 

As far as him being diagnosed, you can still be by his side but I think it is in your best interest to separate at least.  That's what I would do.

 

UCFknight
by Silver Member on Aug. 8, 2014 at 2:07 PM

The thing about "gut feelings",is they are genuinely looking at the core of problems. Your heart wants to avoid all those red flag things. With cancer as part of his life now, you may feel like you need to tread lightly. Listen to your gut. It's usually never wrong.

Plan a sit down where you can discuss the phone cards and what you are feeling. Ask yourself first, would I be here with him, in this situation if cancer wasn't part of it? You need to be able to get everything out in the open before treatment begins or surgery is required. You can be there for him, regardless of the marriage. I just wouldn't avoid those red flags that you are finding.

SlightlyPerfect
by Slightly Perfect on Aug. 8, 2014 at 2:12 PM
So you believe people develop cancer because they may have treated others poorly?

Quoting hismommy2010: Cancer now? Looks like karma bit him in the arse. Chances are if this cancer requires. Chemo or radiation and his health goes down hill, this other lady wont be sticking around for him, im sure
TommyAbby
by Melissa on Aug. 8, 2014 at 2:31 PM

I would demand to know what the calling card is about.

If he wants to stay married, there needs to be ZERO secrets! 


TommyAbby
by Melissa on Aug. 8, 2014 at 2:34 PM
1 mom liked this

Well.... Karma...

I get what she is trying to say....

Sometimes things just happen, but sometimes you can't ignore the timing. 

Quoting SlightlyPerfect: So you believe people develop cancer because they may have treated others poorly?
Quoting hismommy2010: Cancer now? Looks like karma bit him in the arse. Chances are if this cancer requires. Chemo or radiation and his health goes down hill, this other lady wont be sticking around for him, im sure


SlightlyPerfect
by Slightly Perfect on Aug. 8, 2014 at 2:42 PM
2 moms liked this
I find it really hard to believe adults think there is a force that judges their moral choices and then effects negative or positive change in a person's life based on that force's assessment. I mean, really...

I do understand the initial reaction of feeling happy or validated when something bad happens to a person who behaves badly--like a feeling of cosmic justice--but then don't hide behind a euphemism like "karma." Say what you mean; own it.

And then that sort of thinking is really shitty regarding "good" people who suffer (and die) from cancer.


Quoting TommyAbby:

Well.... Karma...

I get what she is trying to say....

Sometimes things just happen, but sometimes you can't ignore the timing. 

Quoting SlightlyPerfect: So you believe people develop cancer because they may have treated others poorly?

Quoting hismommy2010: Cancer now? Looks like karma bit him in the arse. Chances are if this cancer requires. Chemo or radiation and his health goes down hill, this other lady wont be sticking around for him, im sure

TommyAbby
by Melissa on Aug. 8, 2014 at 2:45 PM

Some people believe in God.. others in Karma.. others in nothing at all.. Fate even.. 

My son had cancer.. he was 3. I know Karma/God/Fate had nothing to do with it.. it's just one of those crappy things that happen in life.

But timing on something like. Who knows.

Quoting SlightlyPerfect: I find it really hard to believe adults think there is a force that judges their moral choices and then effects negative or positive change in a person's life based on that force's assessment. I mean, really... I do understand the initial reaction of feeling happy or validated when something bad happens to a person who behaves badly--like a feeling of cosmic justice--but then don't hide behind a euphemism like "karma." Say what you mean; own it. And then that sort of thinking is really shitty regarding "good" people who suffer (and die) from cancer.
Quoting TommyAbby:

Well.... Karma...

I get what she is trying to say....

Sometimes things just happen, but sometimes you can't ignore the timing. 

Quoting SlightlyPerfect: So you believe people develop cancer because they may have treated others poorly?
Quoting hismommy2010: Cancer now? Looks like karma bit him in the arse. Chances are if this cancer requires. Chemo or radiation and his health goes down hill, this other lady wont be sticking around for him, im sure


Fayanne
by Gold Member on Aug. 8, 2014 at 3:00 PM

 the calling card is a huge red flag

counseling. Get yourselves to counseling. Get everything you have said and feel out in the open , in front of a counselor who can help you navigate through this mess.

If it weren't for the calling card bit, I'd lean toward being there for him, and putting thing back together if you still felt that strongly about him.

But, now.. I'd haul this crap out onto the carpet in front of a counselor and see what he has to say about it all.

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