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How to live with a spouse that doesn't know how to love

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I am at my wits end.... For eight years I have been dealing with a husband that has zero idea on what love really is. I thought that he was going to at least love his own kids... but he doesn't even really do that. He never says he loves... which really I am fine with. But the bigger thing is that he doesn't show he loves either. He stopped even trying with his daughter in another state because she threw and fit and wouldn't talk to him... so he just gave up on her. Now with his son who is six... he only wants to scold him all the time and be the tough parent because he says that I am too "soft". The ONLY reason that I am "soft" is because I feel that I need to show him love to cover for both his mom and DAD. Dad NEVER hugs, kisses or shows any kind of affection. Really he doesn't ever interact with him at all. He is a mommy's boy because I try everything to make up for that.

I can live with it... this is the man that chose... even thought the other night he told me that if I ever got fat he would have no problems leaving me. I called him on that and said that if he feels that way that I KNOW he doesn't love me. The answer he gave was "I was just kidding...I'm stuck now". After I pressed him further he said... "Since your are hot right now all of your quirks and just cute... but as soon as you are fat they will just be annoying."

Dealing with this is my problem that I got myself into. BUT my son should not have to grow up with a father who holds his "love" like that.

I know the answer to my own question and that is that there really is no answer. But here it is anyway just in case anyone has an idea... what do I do?


by on Aug. 14, 2014 at 12:38 AM
Replies (11-17):
by Marianne on Aug. 14, 2014 at 11:05 AM

 When I read the title, I immediately thought of the 5 Love Languages, like MixedCooke mentioned. However, thankfully I read the post because I don't think that's the issue here. If he's telling you his "love" for you is conditional on how you look, then he doesn't love you. And whether he's showing love to your son or not, he is seeing this relationship and he's learning from your example. Do you want him to grow up treating you this way as well? Do you want him to grow up thinking this is how he should treat his wife and children? The longer you let your husband set this example, the more likely he'll be to learn the behavior.

It's not fair to your son to continue subjecting him to this example.

by on Aug. 14, 2014 at 3:31 PM

 What do you want to do

by on Aug. 14, 2014 at 3:35 PM

get both your butts to therapy

by Member on Aug. 15, 2014 at 10:35 AM

Wow... I don't know... counseling? My soon-to-be-ex is an ass, and he doesn't know how to love me, but I know he can love his kids. He does show some sort of affection, and he tells them he loves them, etc... 

by on Aug. 15, 2014 at 10:43 AM
Who says stuff like that to someone they love? Noone. My father was like that and it left me miserable with many issues
by Member on Aug. 15, 2014 at 1:48 PM

wow, maybe he's like that because his parents may not have shown him love or something. That's tough though i honestly don't know. I'm sure he loves his kids he just doesn't know how to show it. Maybe you guys could go to counseling and they could help him

by Member on Aug. 16, 2014 at 9:50 AM

 I know how you feel. My husband doesn't show love for his children at all and he doesn't show any for me as well. However he did just tell me on thrusday that he wants a divorce. so yeah I feel for you.

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