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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

It's our fault

Posted by on Aug. 14, 2014 at 1:54 PM
  • 12 Replies

 DH and I are not good examples of communication.  There are times that it has been a flat out shouting match.  I hate that it has been like that.  There were plenty of times that I considered separation but I was too chicken. 

On top of that, DH creates a stressful environment.  The girls often argue back with him because he engages in their tactics and attitude.  The girls are pretty chill in general but DH gets irritated with things pretty easily and has a sense of anxiety or something if its not done the way he wants.  For example, if we don't have anything to do on the weekend, I allow the girls to sleep in (they are busy with school and sports most days).  DH wakes up early and wants to clean, clean, clean and expects everyone to do something right when they get up.  He barks at them and so, in return, they don't want to do it.  If it's up to me, I allow them to eat and then together we create a checklist, turn on music, and go.  They are on board and they are great.

But, lately, I've noticed them bicker at each other  a lot more.  Yes, I know it's normal but the way they are doing it sounds exactly like how DH and I speak to each other.

I hate it, I feel guilty about it.  I am correcting them in how they respond, I do have consequences and I, myself, am REALLY trying to not respond the way I do with DH.  It is hard because I will hold it in and then explode because they way he is.  He just jabs and jabs and jabs and is negative about most things. 

I'm really trying to make sure the girls communicate appropropriately and talk about what they want and need instead of throw attitude to each other.

I've tried to talk to him once before but he blamed me. 

I don't know if I'm really looking for advice or just needed to vent.

 

by on Aug. 14, 2014 at 1:54 PM
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Replies (1-10):
UCFknight
by Silver Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 2:03 PM
1 mom liked this

Vent away!! We all need to sometimes!

My momma would always tell me, the one yelling is usually the biggest idiot in the room. If he can't convey to them without yelling, he has a problem. Girls will be girls. But if I started to hear yelling, I would just say, we can't talk right now cause you've stopped listening and walk away.

it will take lots of time to get used to that, and there may be more silence than you can imagine at first, but yelling was never allowed growing up. And it's amazing how quickly people can change when they realize they won't get very far with screaming.

I continue the same in my home today (except when sports are on, then all vocal chords are on deck)!! 

Fayanne
by Gold Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 2:11 PM

 vent away

and remember.. the way they see you and dh 'fight' is what they are learning for their future relationships.. so you can expect to see them act the same way with future boyfriends and spouses

kudos to you for trying to break the cycle. old habits die hard.. so when you see things start to fall back into familiar and undesirable patterns, give yourself something else to say, do, or think.  Plan it ahead of time, practice it in a few 'fake' scenarios, and then work on it for real.

hugs.

Serenity7
by Platinum Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 3:19 PM

 Vent anytime

furbabymum
by Gold Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 4:36 PM

 DS once walked in the door, slammed it and yelled, "You drive me crazy!" Man, he's me. Shit.

So a big part of our trying to make sure the kids don't become/know how to manage bipolar disorder is to let them know when we are wrong. We honestly have very few screaming matches and DH no longer has frequent "episodes". They do happen occassionaly though. We make a point of sitting the kids down and telling them that we were wrong, it was unacceptable and apologizing. At 3 DS now loves to tell us when to say sorry. Damn kid. We cloned ourselves, how stupid! (I'm laughing as I type this so don't take it negatively.) We are getting on each other for cursing now and DS will put his hand over his mouth when one of us says "the bad word" and tell the other one of us that they are going to be in t-r-o-u-b-l-e. Then the swearer laughs and apologizes. My point with this is that just because you behave a certain way doesn't mean you have to teach your kids it's ok. You are to an extent but you can minimize it by explaining to them that it's not ok and you are sorry for doing it. When my DH is in the middle of an episode there is nothing to do but wait it out. I've sat with DS on my lap as he takes it all in and explained to him that what daddy is doing is not ok. That we aren't allowed to behave like that. That it has nothing to do with him. That daddy sometimes does this and it's all going to be ok. I'm sleep deprived, as my other post said, and I had a bit of a blow up Tuesday. DS just refused to get dressed and was pushing every button I had. I yelled, a lot, and ranted about the house. When I regained my sanity I made sure to sit him down and explain that mommy was bad, I am sorry for yelling, it wasn't ok, etc. You see the pattern here. Fact is, it's going to happen eventually. Blow ups happen. Adults are stupid sometimes. Kids are going to be stupid. You can teach them that yeah, you were dumb, don't do it again but it's ok. You're ok. Because I think they don't think it's ok.

Man, I could go on forever. I've read so many books and been to so much therapy. I do a lot of things and really try to get into my kids heads and end up getting into my own.

I think you should have those conversations. I also think you should draw some clear boundaries with some clear punishments for crossing them that ALL of you abide by. You, DH, kids, everyone. If you yell or whine or swear you get X.

LadyBast
by Brenda on Aug. 14, 2014 at 5:11 PM

Vent away it does help a lot just to type it or say it.... 

Good luck with all!

M4LG5
by Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 6:06 PM

 Thank you so much.  The hard part is being on the same page.  There was a chore chart I created and talked to DH about.  I felt the guidelines were good and he agreed.  But, I feel like he'll do something outside of these agreements whenever he feels like it just to have control.  He is very competitive with me for whatever reason.  I'm a very strong person and he has said over and over again "you are like a guy!" and it pisses me off to no end.  It's like I can't be strong, have my opinions or whatever. 

Quoting furbabymum:

 DS once walked in the door, slammed it and yelled, "You drive me crazy!" Man, he's me. Shit.

So a big part of our trying to make sure the kids don't become/know how to manage bipolar disorder is to let them know when we are wrong. We honestly have very few screaming matches and DH no longer has frequent "episodes". They do happen occassionaly though. We make a point of sitting the kids down and telling them that we were wrong, it was unacceptable and apologizing. At 3 DS now loves to tell us when to say sorry. Damn kid. We cloned ourselves, how stupid! (I'm laughing as I type this so don't take it negatively.) We are getting on each other for cursing now and DS will put his hand over his mouth when one of us says "the bad word" and tell the other one of us that they are going to be in t-r-o-u-b-l-e. Then the swearer laughs and apologizes. My point with this is that just because you behave a certain way doesn't mean you have to teach your kids it's ok. You are to an extent but you can minimize it by explaining to them that it's not ok and you are sorry for doing it. When my DH is in the middle of an episode there is nothing to do but wait it out. I've sat with DS on my lap as he takes it all in and explained to him that what daddy is doing is not ok. That we aren't allowed to behave like that. That it has nothing to do with him. That daddy sometimes does this and it's all going to be ok. I'm sleep deprived, as my other post said, and I had a bit of a blow up Tuesday. DS just refused to get dressed and was pushing every button I had. I yelled, a lot, and ranted about the house. When I regained my sanity I made sure to sit him down and explain that mommy was bad, I am sorry for yelling, it wasn't ok, etc. You see the pattern here. Fact is, it's going to happen eventually. Blow ups happen. Adults are stupid sometimes. Kids are going to be stupid. You can teach them that yeah, you were dumb, don't do it again but it's ok. You're ok. Because I think they don't think it's ok.

Man, I could go on forever. I've read so many books and been to so much therapy. I do a lot of things and really try to get into my kids heads and end up getting into my own.

I think you should have those conversations. I also think you should draw some clear boundaries with some clear punishments for crossing them that ALL of you abide by. You, DH, kids, everyone. If you yell or whine or swear you get X.

 

furbabymum
by Gold Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 6:09 PM

 So this is how he responds? He thinks he's acting like a man? I'm a bit of a bitch so I'd tell him someone had to be the man in the relationship.

Quoting M4LG5:

 Thank you so much.  The hard part is being on the same page.  There was a chore chart I created and talked to DH about.  I felt the guidelines were good and he agreed.  But, I feel like he'll do something outside of these agreements whenever he feels like it just to have control.  He is very competitive with me for whatever reason.  I'm a very strong person and he has said over and over again "you are like a guy!" and it pisses me off to no end.  It's like I can't be strong, have my opinions or whatever. 

Quoting furbabymum:

 DS once walked in the door, slammed it and yelled, "You drive me crazy!" Man, he's me. Shit.

So a big part of our trying to make sure the kids don't become/know how to manage bipolar disorder is to let them know when we are wrong. We honestly have very few screaming matches and DH no longer has frequent "episodes". They do happen occassionaly though. We make a point of sitting the kids down and telling them that we were wrong, it was unacceptable and apologizing. At 3 DS now loves to tell us when to say sorry. Damn kid. We cloned ourselves, how stupid! (I'm laughing as I type this so don't take it negatively.) We are getting on each other for cursing now and DS will put his hand over his mouth when one of us says "the bad word" and tell the other one of us that they are going to be in t-r-o-u-b-l-e. Then the swearer laughs and apologizes. My point with this is that just because you behave a certain way doesn't mean you have to teach your kids it's ok. You are to an extent but you can minimize it by explaining to them that it's not ok and you are sorry for doing it. When my DH is in the middle of an episode there is nothing to do but wait it out. I've sat with DS on my lap as he takes it all in and explained to him that what daddy is doing is not ok. That we aren't allowed to behave like that. That it has nothing to do with him. That daddy sometimes does this and it's all going to be ok. I'm sleep deprived, as my other post said, and I had a bit of a blow up Tuesday. DS just refused to get dressed and was pushing every button I had. I yelled, a lot, and ranted about the house. When I regained my sanity I made sure to sit him down and explain that mommy was bad, I am sorry for yelling, it wasn't ok, etc. You see the pattern here. Fact is, it's going to happen eventually. Blow ups happen. Adults are stupid sometimes. Kids are going to be stupid. You can teach them that yeah, you were dumb, don't do it again but it's ok. You're ok. Because I think they don't think it's ok.

Man, I could go on forever. I've read so many books and been to so much therapy. I do a lot of things and really try to get into my kids heads and end up getting into my own.

I think you should have those conversations. I also think you should draw some clear boundaries with some clear punishments for crossing them that ALL of you abide by. You, DH, kids, everyone. If you yell or whine or swear you get X.

 

 

M4LG5
by Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 6:23 PM
1 mom liked this

 Oh yeah....this was a typical response in any of our disagreements or arguments.  I have said once...."well, if being strong and standing up for myself means I'm a guy.....where can I pick up my dick?"  Yeah....that didn't help make things better but it made me feel good.  hahahaha

Quoting furbabymum:

 So this is how he responds? He thinks he's acting like a man? I'm a bit of a bitch so I'd tell him someone had to be the man in the relationship.

Quoting M4LG5:

 Thank you so much.  The hard part is being on the same page.  There was a chore chart I created and talked to DH about.  I felt the guidelines were good and he agreed.  But, I feel like he'll do something outside of these agreements whenever he feels like it just to have control.  He is very competitive with me for whatever reason.  I'm a very strong person and he has said over and over again "you are like a guy!" and it pisses me off to no end.  It's like I can't be strong, have my opinions or whatever. 

Quoting furbabymum:

 DS once walked in the door, slammed it and yelled, "You drive me crazy!" Man, he's me. Shit.

So a big part of our trying to make sure the kids don't become/know how to manage bipolar disorder is to let them know when we are wrong. We honestly have very few screaming matches and DH no longer has frequent "episodes". They do happen occassionaly though. We make a point of sitting the kids down and telling them that we were wrong, it was unacceptable and apologizing. At 3 DS now loves to tell us when to say sorry. Damn kid. We cloned ourselves, how stupid! (I'm laughing as I type this so don't take it negatively.) We are getting on each other for cursing now and DS will put his hand over his mouth when one of us says "the bad word" and tell the other one of us that they are going to be in t-r-o-u-b-l-e. Then the swearer laughs and apologizes. My point with this is that just because you behave a certain way doesn't mean you have to teach your kids it's ok. You are to an extent but you can minimize it by explaining to them that it's not ok and you are sorry for doing it. When my DH is in the middle of an episode there is nothing to do but wait it out. I've sat with DS on my lap as he takes it all in and explained to him that what daddy is doing is not ok. That we aren't allowed to behave like that. That it has nothing to do with him. That daddy sometimes does this and it's all going to be ok. I'm sleep deprived, as my other post said, and I had a bit of a blow up Tuesday. DS just refused to get dressed and was pushing every button I had. I yelled, a lot, and ranted about the house. When I regained my sanity I made sure to sit him down and explain that mommy was bad, I am sorry for yelling, it wasn't ok, etc. You see the pattern here. Fact is, it's going to happen eventually. Blow ups happen. Adults are stupid sometimes. Kids are going to be stupid. You can teach them that yeah, you were dumb, don't do it again but it's ok. You're ok. Because I think they don't think it's ok.

Man, I could go on forever. I've read so many books and been to so much therapy. I do a lot of things and really try to get into my kids heads and end up getting into my own.

I think you should have those conversations. I also think you should draw some clear boundaries with some clear punishments for crossing them that ALL of you abide by. You, DH, kids, everyone. If you yell or whine or swear you get X.

 

 

 

furbabymum
by Gold Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 6:27 PM

 Adopt a different practice? When I DONT yell or argue with my DH he gets really worried.

Quoting M4LG5:

 Oh yeah....this was a typical response in any of our disagreements or arguments.  I have said once...."well, if being strong and standing up for myself means I'm a guy.....where can I pick up my dick?"  Yeah....that didn't help make things better but it made me feel good.  hahahaha

Quoting furbabymum:

 So this is how he responds? He thinks he's acting like a man? I'm a bit of a bitch so I'd tell him someone had to be the man in the relationship.

Quoting M4LG5:

 Thank you so much.  The hard part is being on the same page.  There was a chore chart I created and talked to DH about.  I felt the guidelines were good and he agreed.  But, I feel like he'll do something outside of these agreements whenever he feels like it just to have control.  He is very competitive with me for whatever reason.  I'm a very strong person and he has said over and over again "you are like a guy!" and it pisses me off to no end.  It's like I can't be strong, have my opinions or whatever. 

Quoting furbabymum:

 DS once walked in the door, slammed it and yelled, "You drive me crazy!" Man, he's me. Shit.

So a big part of our trying to make sure the kids don't become/know how to manage bipolar disorder is to let them know when we are wrong. We honestly have very few screaming matches and DH no longer has frequent "episodes". They do happen occassionaly though. We make a point of sitting the kids down and telling them that we were wrong, it was unacceptable and apologizing. At 3 DS now loves to tell us when to say sorry. Damn kid. We cloned ourselves, how stupid! (I'm laughing as I type this so don't take it negatively.) We are getting on each other for cursing now and DS will put his hand over his mouth when one of us says "the bad word" and tell the other one of us that they are going to be in t-r-o-u-b-l-e. Then the swearer laughs and apologizes. My point with this is that just because you behave a certain way doesn't mean you have to teach your kids it's ok. You are to an extent but you can minimize it by explaining to them that it's not ok and you are sorry for doing it. When my DH is in the middle of an episode there is nothing to do but wait it out. I've sat with DS on my lap as he takes it all in and explained to him that what daddy is doing is not ok. That we aren't allowed to behave like that. That it has nothing to do with him. That daddy sometimes does this and it's all going to be ok. I'm sleep deprived, as my other post said, and I had a bit of a blow up Tuesday. DS just refused to get dressed and was pushing every button I had. I yelled, a lot, and ranted about the house. When I regained my sanity I made sure to sit him down and explain that mommy was bad, I am sorry for yelling, it wasn't ok, etc. You see the pattern here. Fact is, it's going to happen eventually. Blow ups happen. Adults are stupid sometimes. Kids are going to be stupid. You can teach them that yeah, you were dumb, don't do it again but it's ok. You're ok. Because I think they don't think it's ok.

Man, I could go on forever. I've read so many books and been to so much therapy. I do a lot of things and really try to get into my kids heads and end up getting into my own.

I think you should have those conversations. I also think you should draw some clear boundaries with some clear punishments for crossing them that ALL of you abide by. You, DH, kids, everyone. If you yell or whine or swear you get X.

 

 

 

 

M4LG5
by Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 6:40 PM

 haha.  He will probably think I'm planning on something HUGE.  His head will be on a swivel trying to find me and figure out what my next steps are. hahaha. 

In all seriousness, I think I will have to do the best I can at doing the opposite even if it means I don't talk.  I will be doing great until I can't take it anymore and then I will burst. 

Quoting furbabymum:

 Adopt a different practice? When I DONT yell or argue with my DH he gets really worried.

Quoting M4LG5:

 Oh yeah....this was a typical response in any of our disagreements or arguments.  I have said once...."well, if being strong and standing up for myself means I'm a guy.....where can I pick up my dick?"  Yeah....that didn't help make things better but it made me feel good.  hahahaha

Quoting furbabymum:

 So this is how he responds? He thinks he's acting like a man? I'm a bit of a bitch so I'd tell him someone had to be the man in the relationship.

Quoting M4LG5:

 Thank you so much.  The hard part is being on the same page.  There was a chore chart I created and talked to DH about.  I felt the guidelines were good and he agreed.  But, I feel like he'll do something outside of these agreements whenever he feels like it just to have control.  He is very competitive with me for whatever reason.  I'm a very strong person and he has said over and over again "you are like a guy!" and it pisses me off to no end.  It's like I can't be strong, have my opinions or whatever. 

Quoting furbabymum:

 DS once walked in the door, slammed it and yelled, "You drive me crazy!" Man, he's me. Shit.

So a big part of our trying to make sure the kids don't become/know how to manage bipolar disorder is to let them know when we are wrong. We honestly have very few screaming matches and DH no longer has frequent "episodes". They do happen occassionaly though. We make a point of sitting the kids down and telling them that we were wrong, it was unacceptable and apologizing. At 3 DS now loves to tell us when to say sorry. Damn kid. We cloned ourselves, how stupid! (I'm laughing as I type this so don't take it negatively.) We are getting on each other for cursing now and DS will put his hand over his mouth when one of us says "the bad word" and tell the other one of us that they are going to be in t-r-o-u-b-l-e. Then the swearer laughs and apologizes. My point with this is that just because you behave a certain way doesn't mean you have to teach your kids it's ok. You are to an extent but you can minimize it by explaining to them that it's not ok and you are sorry for doing it. When my DH is in the middle of an episode there is nothing to do but wait it out. I've sat with DS on my lap as he takes it all in and explained to him that what daddy is doing is not ok. That we aren't allowed to behave like that. That it has nothing to do with him. That daddy sometimes does this and it's all going to be ok. I'm sleep deprived, as my other post said, and I had a bit of a blow up Tuesday. DS just refused to get dressed and was pushing every button I had. I yelled, a lot, and ranted about the house. When I regained my sanity I made sure to sit him down and explain that mommy was bad, I am sorry for yelling, it wasn't ok, etc. You see the pattern here. Fact is, it's going to happen eventually. Blow ups happen. Adults are stupid sometimes. Kids are going to be stupid. You can teach them that yeah, you were dumb, don't do it again but it's ok. You're ok. Because I think they don't think it's ok.

Man, I could go on forever. I've read so many books and been to so much therapy. I do a lot of things and really try to get into my kids heads and end up getting into my own.

I think you should have those conversations. I also think you should draw some clear boundaries with some clear punishments for crossing them that ALL of you abide by. You, DH, kids, everyone. If you yell or whine or swear you get X.

 

 

 

 

 

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