Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

DH is very stubborn and fights dirty

Posted by on Aug. 14, 2014 at 3:01 PM
  • 35 Replies

I often log onto CM to vent about my DH and end up finding a recent post that describes my exact issue so well that I just read through those comments and feel better. Often the comments advise talking to DH to discuss/ resolve the issue and I agree 100% that going to the source of the problem and talking things out is the best method. However I'm at my wits end. I'm hoping if I describe our typical fight you wonderful ladies can help me pinpoint where I am going wrong here...

His immediate reaction to any complaint I have regarding his behavior (i.e., staying out until 3am etc...unacceptable stuff- I'm really not nitpicking) is to become defensive and rebound with a complaint about something I did wrong. Then I'll apologize for whatever issue he brought up about me and say I will try to do better or fix it and then ask if we can refocus on the initial problem.

He then gets offended and says I never thank him for all of the other things he does I only complain about the things he doesn't do....here's where it gets difficult for me...because we both work full time and therefore need to share household chores...and I NEVER get a thank you for the chores I do but he expects to be thanked for the ones he does.

I then count to 10, breathe deeply, say I do appreciate everything he does around the house and again try to refocus on the initial issue. At this point, his finial tactic is to bring up something from an argument we had years ago and demand and I apologize. Here's where I lose it and walk away cursing myself out for thinking I could have an adult conversation with him. Unfortunately I fight is not over. For days he will avoid me and snap at me as though "that thing" I said years ago in the midst of fighting killed his childhood puppy.

After about a week, the tension will fade, things go back to normal and he stays out until 3am again, which this time I ignore because I cannot subject my nerves or my children to another battle.


UPDATE: THANK YOU ThAnk YoU thank you ladies!!!! Thank you to everyone that took the time to read my long post and offer advice. I spent some time googling "how to deal with a passive-aggressive spouse" and all of the advice you lovely ladies provided was right on. DH tried to pick a fight this past weekend and -using all of my newfound tactics- it was over in record time and we are getting along better than we have in a long time. <3

by on Aug. 14, 2014 at 3:01 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
M4LG5
by Bronze Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 3:10 PM
1 mom liked this
My husband will bring up other stuff that has nothing to do with the issue. A lot of this is so that the focus is not on him anymore. I told him that if there is something I'm doing that he doesn't like or I need to do differently, he can bring it up to me at a different time but I will ONLY talk about the issue. I told him that he cannot piggyback on my conversation with him in that moment.
positiveNRG
by New Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 3:30 PM

Does that work or does he just gets more upset?

I have tried bringing up the issue in small doses so he doesn't feel attacked ("i'm upset that you stayed out late"...then a few hours later "next time please text and stop drinking earlier"). But it still escalates in the same way :(

Quoting M4LG5: My husband will bring up other stuff that has nothing to do with the issue. A lot of this is so that the focus is not on him anymore. I told him that if there is something I'm doing that he doesn't like or I need to do differently, he can bring it up to me at a different time but I will ONLY talk about the issue. I told him that he cannot piggyback on my conversation with him in that moment.


M4LG5
by Bronze Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 3:37 PM
1 mom liked this

 He'll try to get more upset so he can bring up other stuff but I will repeat myself over and over and over again if I have to: "Don't piggyback your concerns on this conversation.  I will be happy to listen to you another time. Now....as I was saying......."  He hates when I repeat myself so eventually he shuts up.

As in my post today "It's our fault", you will see that it definitely escalates.  DH is a very defensive person and selfish as well.  The best thing I can do is say how I feel about things and what I want.  If it doesn't go that way, I will keep telling him.

We've been together for 9 years.  There are many things he has done differently in the 9 years because of me having to talk with him about it over and over and over again.  There are also things that still doesn't change.  It's been very hard because if he is absolutely not there to listen and show empathy towards your wants and needs, not much is going to change.

All I can suggest is make sure you don't ever apologize for something you are not supposed to be talking about - again, if he wants to talk about it, he can bring it up another time separately than what you are talking about now - and keep telling him how you feel.

Quoting positiveNRG:

Does that work or does he just gets more upset?

I have tried bringing up the issue in small doses so he doesn't feel attacked ("i'm upset that you stayed out late"...then a few hours later "next time please text and stop drinking earlier"). But it still escalates in the same way :(

Quoting M4LG5: My husband will bring up other stuff that has nothing to do with the issue. A lot of this is so that the focus is not on him anymore. I told him that if there is something I'm doing that he doesn't like or I need to do differently, he can bring it up to me at a different time but I will ONLY talk about the issue. I told him that he cannot piggyback on my conversation with him in that moment.

 

 

positiveNRG
by New Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 3:57 PM

Thank you M4LG5!! Sounds just like us ...Feels good to know I am not alone!

serenitycat
by Bronze Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 4:17 PM
1 mom liked this

i tell my husband all the time about the things i appreciate about him!!!

furbabymum
by on Aug. 14, 2014 at 4:24 PM
1 mom liked this

 Easy, pretend he didn't say a damn word. Every single time he tries to deflect the conversation refuse to participate. Just tell him, "stop deflecting we are working on __ issue right now." Rinse, repeat. It won't work for awhile. He'll probably walk off in a huff. But as soon as he realizes he can't give you the run around he'll stop. I used to give my DH the run around all the time. I'm good at it. More of the "confuse until they quit" kind but same concept.

Fayanne
by Gold Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 5:02 PM
1 mom liked this

 1) he's deflecting the issue from him to you

2) however we think we shouldn't have to say 'thank you' to your husband, you have to. It doesn't sound logical to us women, because we tend to be 'givers' by nature, and do so much without a 'thank you' because we know it just has to be done. Many men aren't like that. They're just wired differently. Argue the point and be miserable, or accept it, work it (the thank yous) in, and move on

3) this one stumps me a bit.. men don't tend to recycle things from the past like that. I suspect he's still try to deflect, to avoid accepting blame and/or responsibility, cause then he'd have to apologize, and a lot of men don't like to apologize. Whether they see it as a weakness, a sign of fragilty, a lack of success.. I dunno. Plus, now, he keeps doing it, because it works. You give up and walk away.

First of all... try to accept the way his wiring has him operate. You can be right,, or you can be happy. You'll need to make some concessions on the "I don't get a thank you, so why should you' type thinking.

The rest, a counselor may be able to guide you through.

By the way, men tend to see complaints from their women as belittling and treating them like a child. He doesn't need another mother. Even if you think you are not behaving in that manner... he probably sees it differently.

Try a week or so of just thanking him for stuff.
"Thanks for all you do to support our family"... "thanks for ____", etc. Throw in the word 'respect' now and then. "I really respect that you've done so well at your job for so long", etc... then ask his opinion on something, AND FoLLOW IT.

someone has to make the first steps... I think generally it's the woman.

good luck

LadyBast
by Brenda on Aug. 14, 2014 at 5:09 PM
1 mom liked this

I always say thanks for whatever he does in the house I am home all day but I cannot get to everything or some nights I am not in the mood to cook so he does and he will clean up the mess so thanks is a big one for me I am used to it!

I would just walk away from him when he starts, I can ignore and you should also.

Good luck!

PinkEminem
by Member on Aug. 15, 2014 at 10:26 AM
3 moms liked this

That sounds like my soon-to-be-ex-husband. I wouldn't waste any more time. You're just hurting yourself and your kids. Best of luck.

PinkEminem
by Member on Aug. 15, 2014 at 10:30 AM
1 mom liked this

On number three, mine does that. He always brings shit up from years and years and years ago. But when I do it, it's "the past." It's deflecting his behavior.

Quoting Fayanne:

 1) he's deflecting the issue from him to you

2) however we think we shouldn't have to say 'thank you' to your husband, you have to. It doesn't sound logical to us women, because we tend to be 'givers' by nature, and do so much without a 'thank you' because we know it just has to be done. Many men aren't like that. They're just wired differently. Argue the point and be miserable, or accept it, work it (the thank yous) in, and move on

3) this one stumps me a bit.. men don't tend to recycle things from the past like that. I suspect he's still try to deflect, to avoid accepting blame and/or responsibility, cause then he'd have to apologize, and a lot of men don't like to apologize. Whether they see it as a weakness, a sign of fragilty, a lack of success.. I dunno. Plus, now, he keeps doing it, because it works. You give up and walk away.

First of all... try to accept the way his wiring has him operate. You can be right,, or you can be happy. You'll need to make some concessions on the "I don't get a thank you, so why should you' type thinking.

The rest, a counselor may be able to guide you through.

By the way, men tend to see complaints from their women as belittling and treating them like a child. He doesn't need another mother. Even if you think you are not behaving in that manner... he probably sees it differently.

Try a week or so of just thanking him for stuff. "Thanks for all you do to support our family"... "thanks for ____", etc. Throw in the word 'respect' now and then. "I really respect that you've done so well at your job for so long", etc... then ask his opinion on something, AND FoLLOW IT.

someone has to make the first steps... I think generally it's the woman.

good luck


Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN