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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

15 yrs ago, I said something terrible to dh -- *Update* p 4

Posted by on Aug. 18, 2014 at 10:33 AM
  • 47 Replies

 

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Question: Have you said something awful out of spite? Were you able to make up for it?

Options:

Yes I said something and it has strained our relationship

Yes I said something but we worked it out and it's basically forgotten

I've held my tongue and not said anything awful


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Total Votes: 61

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 So, a long time ago, when we had two little ones, dh & I went out one night. Left the kids with his aunt, and we headed out for a drink - hadn't done it since before I was preg the first time (our kids are back to back and the oldest was just over 2 yrs old).

We ended up at the strip club - I enjoyed/enjoy frequenting these with him, don't judge. At any rate, we both decided we should get private dances since we'd never done that before, felt like something fun to do.

Unfortunately, I felt uncomfortable the whole time she was doing her thing for me, I didn't feel ok putting my hands on her, even tho dh kept telling me to, and we'd paid extra for me to be able to... well I couldn't enjoy it at all.

Then it was dh's turn. That big green monster suddenly appeared and I was livid, I couldn't stand that he had his hands on her, I was so angry, so uncomfortable and I had to sit there for the duration of it b/c of how we were seated in the booth/room. I couldn't even watch, I kept staring at the ceiling. Dh kept asking me to look, to help him enjoy it, but I couldn't, it was over, I was done, I wanted out of there.

By the end of it, I hated DH, I hated how he smiled while he touched her, I hated how he told me I should've been doing what he was. I just hated the whole thing. I ended up ordering myself a few drinks after that and sucked them down fast - I had not had a drink or two in over 2 yrs since before I was preg the first time, so they hit me like a tidal wave!! I got so drunk so fast.

On our way home, dh was trying to find out what my problem was, why I was acting so weird/bitchy. I couldn't answer him. I was just too drunk and way too mad.  We got into a fight, and I told him the worst thing I could have said -I wanted to hurt him as much as I felt hurt at that moment - which was not his fault at all, I'd full out agreed on what we were doing and wanted him to have that private dance.

I told him he HAD A SMALL DICK. Yes, I said that out of spite and anger. I didn't mean it... well, he's not huge, he's average, but I was angry and made it sound awful. He had/has a fairly large belly on him too, so that also doesn't make other parts look any bigger either :(

We pretty much didn't speak the rest of the way home, he let it go the next day, and it just comes up in arguments over the years now, only like once a year he'll remind me how awful I was by quipping about it.

Problem is, it hurt him deeply. I know that and I feel awful. I don't know how to make it up to him. He seems to have made peace with it by teasing me about the giantness of my vagina - yes, after birthing 4 children, none of which were smaller than 8lbs, two were 10lbs+... it got stretched, and he uses that to good naturedly tease me in reference to him not being small, just mine is so big. It's kind of funny. I have to admit...

Thing is I've never teased about the smallness of him since that night and I know deep down, I really hurt him. He doesn't act any different, we've had two more kids since the first two, we are otherwise super happy in our relationship, but that nags in the back of my head all the time. I was the ultimate mean wife to have said that to the man I loved more than the world.

Is there any way to make that up to him?

 

by on Aug. 18, 2014 at 10:33 AM
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Replies (1-10):
anotherandree
by Silver Member on Aug. 18, 2014 at 10:39 AM
5 moms liked this
I would sit him down, when NOT arguing, and tell him what you told us. That you said it to be mean and have felt terribly guilty for 15 yrs. Apologize.
jewels.unicorn
by Member on Aug. 18, 2014 at 10:42 AM

 I have done this many times... I've told him I was drunk and mad and just wanted to hurt him. He points out that I did hurt him and that being drunk is not an excuse and will not accept the apology. His theory - if he were to get drunk and do something bad, would I accept his apology b/c he was drunk? ... makes you think, it's not the same thing but it makes sense, doesn't it?

Quoting anotherandree: I would sit him down, when NOT arguing, and tell him what you told us. That you said it to be mean and have felt terribly guilty for 15 yrs. Apologize.

 

Creekie.
by New Member on Aug. 18, 2014 at 10:45 AM

I would have a discussion with him and say everything you just said here.  Also, teasing/making fun of each other like this isn't a very good idea.  Even while joking, feelings get hurt.  I would make it a plan not to tease each other.

anotherandree
by Silver Member on Aug. 18, 2014 at 10:46 AM
1 mom liked this
Honestly, making excuses is not apologizing. I can see his point in that if he were to get drunk and have an affair, would you be less upset just bc he was drunk and not in his right mind? Probably not. If you've apologized and he won't accept that then that is now on him.

Quoting jewels.unicorn:

 I have done this many times... I've told him I was drunk and mad and just wanted to hurt him. He points out that I did hurt him and that being drunk is not an excuse and will not accept the apology. His theory - if he were to get drunk and do something bad, would I accept his apology b/c he was drunk? ... makes you think, it's not the same thing but it makes sense, doesn't it?


Quoting anotherandree: I would sit him down, when NOT arguing, and tell him what you told us. That you said it to be mean and have felt terribly guilty for 15 yrs. Apologize.

 

gypsy_rose
by Member on Aug. 18, 2014 at 10:49 AM
7 moms liked this

and this is why I say once your married you SHOULD NOT go to strip joints or any of that BS.

mem82
by Member on Aug. 18, 2014 at 10:49 AM
3 moms liked this
I think he is enjoying having something to hang over your head. If you sincerely apologized and all these years later, he still won't accept an apology? That's not right. He sounds like he's being a big dick. Lol sorry for the jk
codfish
by Member on Aug. 18, 2014 at 10:50 AM
The 2 of you need marriage counseling. Bringing up an argument, insult, anything after 15 years is ludicrous.

My dh and I do not insult each other, at all. I learned much from being married way to young to the wrong person who would pull crap like your dh.
jewels.unicorn
by Member on Aug. 18, 2014 at 10:56 AM

 He is 100% against counselling, I've brought this up many times for different reasons.

He is the type to hold a grudge - with anyone, he's bad for that, it's probably his worst trait. He brings up lots of things that I've done wrong over the years in arguments we have. It's his way of reminding me of my past mistakes so I stop making them over & over again. I get it, it's been drilled already, he needs to stop that, but it's the way he is, the way he's always been. I try the same crap with him and he tells me not to b/c I don't like it when he does... uh, ok? And when I stop making mistakes, he'll stop bringing them up...

He's a big child, we got together young and had kids right away. We barely knew each other. We've gone through a few really rough patches. I left with the kids once - for the night, came back the next day. We've had our share of ugly. But we're still together and most of the time honestly, very happy.

Quoting codfish: The 2 of you need marriage counseling. Bringing up an argument, insult, anything after 15 years is ludicrous. My dh and I do not insult each other, at all. I learned much from being married way to young to the wrong person who would pull crap like your dh.

 

codfish
by Member on Aug. 18, 2014 at 10:59 AM
He needs to grow up. Your kids are learning what marriage is by watching the two of you. Is this how he wants his future son-in-law to treat your daughters? Or will it be ok for the daughter-in-law to treat your son this way? If not, stop acting like both of you are.

Quoting jewels.unicorn:

 He is 100% against counselling, I've brought this up many times for different reasons.


He is the type to hold a grudge - with anyone, he's bad for that, it's probably his worst trait. He brings up lots of things that I've done wrong over the years in arguments we have. It's his way of reminding me of my past mistakes so I stop making them over & over again. I get it, it's been drilled already, he needs to stop that, but it's the way he is, the way he's always been. I try the same crap with him and he tells me not to b/c I don't like it when he does... uh, ok? And when I stop making mistakes, he'll stop bringing them up...


He's a big child, we got together young and had kids right away. We barely knew each other. We've gone through a few really rough patches. I left with the kids once - for the night, came back the next day. We've had our share of ugly. But we're still together and most of the time honestly, very happy.


Quoting codfish: The 2 of you need marriage counseling. Bringing up an argument, insult, anything after 15 years is ludicrous. My dh and I do not insult each other, at all. I learned much from being married way to young to the wrong person who would pull crap like your dh.

 

Allebas
by Member on Aug. 18, 2014 at 11:08 AM
Your DH sounds like my mom! She holds grudges forever! My mil had a second wedding reception for DH and I the same day my mom had a wedding reception for us. My moms reception was during the day and mils was that evening. My mom hates my mil BC of the second reception. She still brings it up at least once a month! DH and I will be married 22 years this Nov. A few days ago, my mom was pissed at my mil for trying to change plans with my two youngest kids. My mom told me she hopes my mil drops dead from a heart attack. Yeah my mom cannot stand my mil. Sigh

Quoting jewels.unicorn:

 He is 100% against counselling, I've brought this up many times for different reasons.


He is the type to hold a grudge - with anyone, he's bad for that, it's probably his worst trait. He brings up lots of things that I've done wrong over the years in arguments we have. It's his way of reminding me of my past mistakes so I stop making them over & over again. I get it, it's been drilled already, he needs to stop that, but it's the way he is, the way he's always been. I try the same crap with him and he tells me not to b/c I don't like it when he does... uh, ok? And when I stop making mistakes, he'll stop bringing them up...


He's a big child, we got together young and had kids right away. We barely knew each other. We've gone through a few really rough patches. I left with the kids once - for the night, came back the next day. We've had our share of ugly. But we're still together and most of the time honestly, very happy.


Quoting codfish: The 2 of you need marriage counseling. Bringing up an argument, insult, anything after 15 years is ludicrous. My dh and I do not insult each other, at all. I learned much from being married way to young to the wrong person who would pull crap like your dh.

 

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