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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Ever been with a man who is scared of commitment? Need some help :(

Posted by on Aug. 21, 2014 at 11:27 AM
  • 16 Replies

  So my BF of 9 months broke up with me a week ago and "claimed" it was because he just didn't feel it went any further than a friendship for him and he was so busy with work that he didn't have time for a relationship.  I am devistated, I love him and he knows I do.  We have been talking here and there over the past week and he did admit that he loves me, that I got close and he pulled away...which isn't the first time he's done that.  Yesterday out of nowhere he texted me and asked if I wanted his kitchen table, which I do need one so I said I would take it.  He offered to bring it to me in his new truck.  He showed up lastnight and it was wierd, it was hard not to just hug him and kiss him.  We moved the table in the kitchen then stood there and talked for abit about our kids and what was going on in our lives, but then he actually started talking about us, which he never has done before in person.  He told me I looked good and asked if I lost weight, and I said yes and he says "I know thats my fault".  Then he says in the car on our way to pick up a pizza "You know this isn't final.  There still is a chance we can get back together.  Final is death...its not final" then told me he misses me alot.  Then as he was getting ready to leave he kissed me, I didn't know what to think, I didn't know what that meant.  Then he says "Did I just mess with your head?" and I said yes.  Then he kissed me again.  He looked at me with so much love in his eyes and said "I better go before I make it worse."  I tried to stop him but all he said was "What do you want me to do?!" and I said "Say what you feel, do what you want to do!!" and he just said he didn't want to make it worse right now and he left.   I cried for hours then he texted me and said he loves me and he doesn't know what to do.  He's scared of hurting me because of his inability to commit.  I never asked him to do anything more than what we had been doing!  Never asked to move in together, never asked for marriage, all I want was to spend time with him and be a part of eachothers life...is that wrong?!  So I told him this is crazy, we both love eachother and want to be together yet we aren't and he left it at he needs to think about it. I'm scared and confused...and still hurting.  What do you think his deal is?  Is this worth fighting for?  If I can just get him over his fear and open up I know this can work...I just don't know how exactly......

by on Aug. 21, 2014 at 11:27 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Serenity7
by Platinum Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 12:49 PM

 Do you think its worth fighting for

CrystalN82
by New Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 1:50 PM

Yes I do but my friends don't.  I know he is a good man he just has some emotional problems.  I just don't know what to do to make him open up and not be so scared to move forward.

LadyBast
by Brenda on Aug. 21, 2014 at 5:04 PM

Is he really worth this yes and no all of the time? I say no... I say move on he will never commit.

UCFknight
by Silver Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 7:09 PM

Here's the thing. You are an option for him. He wants to see if he can find anything better. If not, he has a great selection with you by stringing you along. There is no way I would wait on a man like that. You are either in or out. He knows how you feel. Tell him you love him, but are moving on with your life, and wish him all the best in his. Find someone who wants nothing more than to be with you, instead of being wishy washy.

Kodi12
by Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 8:55 PM
2 moms liked this


Quoting UCFknight:

Here's the thing. You are an option for him. He wants to see if he can find anything better. If not, he has a great selection with you by stringing you along. There is no way I would wait on a man like that. You are either in or out. He knows how you feel. Tell him you love him, but are moving on with your life, and wish him all the best in his. Find someone who wants nothing more than to be with you, instead of being wishy washy.

Very well said.

Here's what I would add to it.  I know it is probably not in your personality, but I want you to be selfish right now.  Think about you, and you only.  Not about him and his emotional problems.  You can't save him.  But you can show him what he will be missing without you in his life.

Hard as it is, now is the time to pull on the big girl boots and give him a run for the pain he's causing you. i.e.  Don't be available to him.  Don't call him.  If he calls you, be happy when you talk but you be the onel to cut the call short.  Tell him you have got to go.  If he says "whoa!", repeat that you have plans, you've enjoyed the convo and can call him later.  Then, don't call.  Be evasive. 

This may seem like it is a game - just remember that all is fair in love.  You need to know what he's worth for the emotional investment you are making.   If he does not respond in the way you are hoping for, then you deserve someone who will be more of a giver to you.

I know this is very tortuous but for the long term for the relationship to work, he needs to be as invested as you are. Let him prove he's worth your while.

He broke it up and that means he does not get any more kissing or hugging from you.  Nothing more then a friend would give.

You can bet he's also feeling guilty.  He doesn't know what to do with his emotions and you are about to give him a lot more to think about!

It's hard, but it will be okay.


Miller0305
by Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 8:57 PM
He's just not that in to you. He's stringing you along and won't commit because he doesn't want to not because he's "scared". If he wanted to be with you he would be with you. Don't waste your time on him, you could be missing out on someone really great.
Fayanne
by Gold Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 10:25 PM

 Move on. As painful as it is, living in limbo is not worth it. Make plans to take care of yourself. If he insists he truely wants to be with you, then he needs to head to counseling.  Your heart is not a revolving door.

 

BonitaM
by Ruby Member on Aug. 22, 2014 at 12:19 AM
DH was a commitmentphobe but I made it clear when we started dating that he was either in it 100% or I was out 100%.
Callaly
by Member on Aug. 22, 2014 at 10:11 AM

 I was in a situation like this once.. I thought the guy was my ride or die, and that eventually he would come around.. we basically were on and off for 2 years, no actual title, no actual commitement, but he was the type of man that I wanted, he was good with kids (I have a DD from a previous relationship) he was older and smart, and was able to tell it to me straight.. he just didn't want to commit, he worked weird hours and when he wasn't working he would try to see his kid. But whenever I needed him he would be there in a few hours.

Eventually after years of not knowing, us getting into fights about it and me crying and crying.. I told him I was done. I was sad but honestly I owe him alot.. he was generally a GOOD guy, my past was scattered with men that didn't deserve me and weren't good guys.. after him I knew my own value and that I deserved way better. I met my SO shortly after and we have been together ever since.

CrystalN82
by New Member on Aug. 22, 2014 at 11:20 AM

WOW, sounds sooo similar to what we have been going through.  He is older than me, and works alot of hours and when he's not working he spends time with his son.  My DD loves him!  He is a good guy, just has alot of emotional problems....


I'm going to his house tonight to talk. He needs to decide where we stand.  He can't kiss me weeks after we break up and just leave and not say what is going on or what his intentions are!  If he wants to try this again he has to be in it 100% this time.  My heart is not a revolving door, its all or nothing.

Quoting Callaly:

 I was in a situation like this once.. I thought the guy was my ride or die, and that eventually he would come around.. we basically were on and off for 2 years, no actual title, no actual commitement, but he was the type of man that I wanted, he was good with kids (I have a DD from a previous relationship) he was older and smart, and was able to tell it to me straight.. he just didn't want to commit, he worked weird hours and when he wasn't working he would try to see his kid. But whenever I needed him he would be there in a few hours.

Eventually after years of not knowing, us getting into fights about it and me crying and crying.. I told him I was done. I was sad but honestly I owe him alot.. he was generally a GOOD guy, my past was scattered with men that didn't deserve me and weren't good guys.. after him I knew my own value and that I deserved way better. I met my SO shortly after and we have been together ever since.


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