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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

Were you able to find love again?

Posted by on Aug. 21, 2014 at 3:35 PM
  • 39 Replies

Hello ladies!!

I was wondering if love will be found again after such a horrible marriage.  i feel so disgusted and turned off by my husband that it is unbearable to think of getting close to someone else like that again.  The thought of waking up to someone everyday scares me.  I have been on a few dates but that is as far as it goes.

i went to the nail salon about 2 years ago and the attendant asked me how long I had been married and I told her.  her response was, "nice!!! but the 2nd time is better." I couldn't believe it!! I must have been wearing this run down look on my face lololololol.

Is this true?


by on Aug. 21, 2014 at 3:35 PM
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Replies (1-10):
LadyBast
by Brenda on Aug. 21, 2014 at 5:01 PM
1 mom liked this

Sorry no help here only married once!

1squishysmom
by Bronze Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 5:08 PM
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  I have only been married once. He is my everything. We have been married almost 23 years. Before we were married, he was married for 5 years to his 1st wife. He said the 2nd is MUCH better! lol

Fayanne
by Gold Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 6:25 PM
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 if it was a horrible marriage, you don't get "close to someone like that again".. you go for a newer, better model.

yes, the second time is better. SO is far above and beyond what XDH is. You make a list of qualities you want, and don't settle for less.

The first step is having enough self respect to demand better

Kodi12
by Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 9:04 PM
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I'm not going to compare as when it was good, the first time was a fairy tale.   But when it was bad.....

So I did move on, I grew and  took the best of what I learned to my new relationship. 

Your heart is going to tell you everything you need.  When you are ready to fully open it up to new love, your heart will guide you and you will be very happy.  That is a beautiful awakening to feel ~ a time of great innocence after having been through what you have.

The right new man in your life will be understanding of where you are, and will be the comfort to no longer be scared.

Be patient with yourself and enjoy all the goodness ahead!

Callaly
by Member on Aug. 22, 2014 at 10:01 AM
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 I was married and got divorced. I now have a SO, its been 4 years. I doubt that we will ever get married (just not something that we feel is important) I am telling you.. for this being my 2nd serious adult relationship.. its way better then the first. The first was a trial, now I know what I want and I am not scared to be alone because I was pretty successful being alone too.

lovelychaos13
by Member on Aug. 22, 2014 at 3:13 PM
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sigh.... well. i left my 1st marriage with my 2 kids due to abuse.

 i did eventually remarry, yeah i had more faith  in starting over back then.  well 2nd dh just asked for a divorce one night at dinner, his reason? that i was just too fat for him to love or anyone else on the planet  to love. yeah i was about 100lbs less than when he met me.. heres a pic  id taken  just days before he dropped that bomb. i was like 175-180? 

 yeaaaah.... i later uncovered after he left,  burned dvds of him with other women, and from clothes hair cuts jewelry ect it went on  since he 1st even met me. seeing  his wearing so much crap id bought him... yeah fuck that his loss.

3rd dh, id lost alot of faith before giving that a go. on one hand he was mentally emotionally manipulative abuse as to why it ended him draining me dry, on the other hand i could spare what a horrible scum he truly was and say some marriages just don't survive a stillbirth. its really a combination of it all, he definatly used losing our baby against me to hurt me, or as he would refer to  our daughter , that i didnt give him a baby, i gave him a monster. that is was my fault she died. that i was such a selfish cunt and shitty wife that i didnt just get over that "thing" as he called her. in 2 weeks.  and that i was horrible and selfish that i hadnt thoujght to even "service him" once in the 3 days after he death and by service i mean  have sex/ or at very least blow him.  the reality  was i spiraled after losing emma at 38 weeks. he demneded i turn to him only to push me away and refuse to comfoprt me at all. he was a seriously fucked up individual okay.  before  me even before losing a child together.  it came into play with the mental and emotional manipulation.  he really didnt understand normal human emotions. he was devoid of them, self addmitted. that he didnt feel crap. but that he could mimic emotions and feelings as needed to navigate life.  but any reaction or feelings of others to him was a serious greivious opver reaction. soooo according to him i should never show any feelings or emotions or reactions of any kind... even positive ones. the mental and emotional abuse type of manipulation is sinsiter and insidious, it starts small as a whisper and builds, its like beicoming slowly stuck and entrenched over time before you know it your paralyzed. a shell of the person you once were. 

i will say that losing my daughter emma was soul shattering. it changed me forever. and then after  he had  when he felt was a revenge affair for my having lost our child. that id failed him, that it was my job as a woman to carry and give life, that i just gave him a monster and death, that my genetics should have trumped or won out over his being a carrier for the birth defect  which was fatal he had passed to her.  it was my fault in his eyes. i still struggle blaming myself.  well just after i recived an inheritance early this year , 2nd day after got the money id got him his own car.  and well the 3rd day after, he faked going to work early and instead drained the 50k  called said he did that and was coming by to get his things and was leaving me  and filing for divorce. yeah.

im very much a broken woman. i dont see how any man could want thye trainwreck that is me.  that my smile doesnt always shine the way it did before i lost my 3rd child, that sometimes the loss hits me all over again in violent crashing waves and i just have to  slip off into my room and light a candle for her, let the tears flow for a bit and pull myself together again, that i have to hide the pain from others. i havent been comforted, or had someone hold me since i lost her  closing in on 2 years ago. my ex had had me isolated from friends and family , no contact or support. it was a big player in why i spiraled for months and felt like i was such a horrible worthless person  in his eyes and also in others as i was so alone , id had many dark thoughts of ending my life  to spare others  of my being such an enormous burden. to him even i quick hug had become a horrible grevious selfish thing to ask. yet if io didnt  have sex with him 2x a day then he didnt feel loved at all. sex wasd love to him and  sex over time became  to him  about what hurt me or caused me pain, where he got off on that.  it was  to the point of spousal rape.  id try to satisfy him but even with his requests it led to him berrateing me after  saying i was a horrible   "thing" too low to be even considered a human being.  i was so broken down i couldnt see what was really happening, that i was being used. he had warped my mind to  belivee everything was all me all my fault, his choices all due to me. 

when he left the fog  of control over me began to lift. i later this summer found out he lied about the woman he had an affair with, her age and her name, when things ended.  turns out it was an underage girl. that it never ended. her family tracked me down and contacted me. is how i found out, they begged and pleaded for me to speak with police of where he might go and what kind of man he was.  he had fled the state with her  the week before she was turning 18, so technically kidnapping.

the girl is just a kid i dont blame her. she is far in over her head. he now has her completely isolated, had her give up  her family, friends, collge scholoships, her job , everything as proff that  "she loves him" i hope she wakes up and gets away at some point. he will drain the life from her and toss her asside for the next person he will suck dry, hes a black hole. which makes me sad to say that of another human being. i mean io feel bad if  a sales person is extreamly rude to me and i think"what a bitch" in my head, even if i dont say it to them or give aditude and am just calm and polite i feel bad for thinking mean things of others.


ive been plauged by nightmares every night  several times a night of laboring and birthing and every child being born dead. its left me feeling like the only thing that could ever come out of me again is death which is something my ex would scream at me.  the nightmares finnaly decreased the day he left me.  they have gotten less and less, now i have them maybe once a month if that. i am mentally healthier than when i was with him.  still part of me feels like i have nothing left to really offer another man.  the grief and loss of a child is not something any  person ever just "gets over" its the kind of baggae that never goes away. 

i did begin a fwb with a man  a few months ago, my 1st ever fwb. only man ive ever slept with that i wasnt in a relationship with or married to.  id choose to accpet his offer after about 2 months. i choose him because i felt he would be least likly to fall for me. yes i know i am a rare great woman, i just didnt want to  grow to become someone burden as it seemed to be in the past.  my plan was just to be alone, never date , never start over that way, it felt safer to tell myself no to ever having more kids one day, my ex used that against me  yanking me around demanding i ttc early then freaking out when time to test came said he didnt want any ever again that id have to kill it or he would kill himself.   and so allowing myself hope for  something as huge as that, i didnt feel safe in it, in allwoing myself to want anything  just for me.  better for me to tell myself no, no more and give that up  than to have that depending on another person and them say no never.

i was sure id fall for another man some day, but id resigned myself to just never tell a man if i had feelings and not pursue anything. safer to be alone. well i deveoped feelings for my fwb nearly 2 months ago. im also oblivious and clueless when someone likes me for more than a friend so he also puzzled me with many things, then  a month ago he dropped bomb that hes scared hes falling for me.  it forced me to have to confront  alot opf things i was trying to just bury and ignore. like an idiot i told him  same here. this man knows so many dark fears of my mind and heart, and anxieties knows what a wreck i am, yet he wants me. wants to  move things to the next level.  hes a long disantce fwb anyway, once a month visits. july was different, we had 3 visits, 2 of which he decided the time and length of,  wich 1st was a 4 day long visit, and  2nd was a 6 day long visit not even a week later, and last was an over night less than 24 hrs was all i could manage since i had to go to that city the next day to pick up my other 2 daughters from them visiting their bio dad.

he and i are happy scared confused anxious. ect many emotions and feelings. its hard to see why he would really want me.  times  building a friendship in the months before becoming friends with benefits,  and also carrying on a genuine friendship  along with the sex benifits, bearing my soul and darkest  broken peices of me to him, the bigest to do with the loss of my child, which he understands the ptsd on, he lost his cousin who was 2 yrs old , was sleeping 5 feet from her when she passed in the night, was the one to find her.  he gets the grief and dispair of it. the nightmares. he confessed hes paranoid since, knowing the other 3 kids are okay but at times getting up at night checking them  if they are breathing. hes never belittled my grief.  i had however pushed him away when he went to hug me during one visit when i was overwhelmed it was the day before the 7th of the month, its always hard for me, another month passing since she died. i had trtied to just excuse myself to smoke a cigg outside on the porch instead of his room being the designanted smoking area and also porch too but everyone just used his room. kept asking me what was wrong, that something wasnt right, was really off with me.  finnaly after a while i just blurted i miss Emma., the look he gave me,  and had already had a hold of my hand , then tried to pull me in to hold me. id been fighting back tears, but i pushed him away said no  its best if i just go be alone a few minutes to collect myself  and id be right back in 10 mins. 

another time when i was visiting and we took a nap together during the day, id had a nightmare. of another stillbirth.  it shook me bad, had hard tome holding it together,  like i was crawling out of my skin, i tried to busy mysefl doing stuff around his place. was shaking.  worried him, just said nightmare, gotta distract myself . do something with my hands. but with my trembling shaking so much as id tried to empty trash, he grabbed me,  had me set it down and just hugged me tight  as i tried to fight it a bit being ridgid.  just said i didnt have to say what the nightmare was about,  just to just breath, and  him continuing to hug me really long. i fought it, hadnt been comforted  ever before.  but  gave in that time.  

i can't say  where things might go with him.  he will be moving farther wawy  in a month or so, we had established that kind of move would end the fwb due to costs of travel  not feasible for once a month trips.   now things are different. un classified  for now but different. we both know it would be longer distance. maybe lucky to visit  once every 3 months. but he wants to go for it. despite the difficulty of distance.

Libbah
by New Member on Aug. 22, 2014 at 3:43 PM

My first marriage was not awful, we were just so wrong for each other.  We were in our early 20's and had a fairy tale vision of life and marriage.  You get married, buy a house, have kids.  We did all that, but the fairy tale part never happened.  We couldn't make each other happy because we didn't know enough about ourselves or the reality of marriage when we we met.

This time around I knew myself so much better and was aware of the hard work that a happy marriage takes.  I picked a man who had similar interests to mine.  We share the same world views, the same libido, and the same commitment to making marriage work even when it is hard.  I am so much happier.  This marriage feels like my first, because it is so incredibly different than what I had before.  My ex has also met someone who is a better fit for him and it is great to see him feel so loved and appreciated.  

Give yourself time.  When you are ready love will find you and it can be so much better than what you knew before.

ebmars2681
by Member on Aug. 22, 2014 at 4:30 PM
Thank you for sharing. I loved my husband to death but he was such a bad man to me. He just didn't know how to he good. And when he tried, it was short lived. It's just not who he was.

Quoting Libbah:

My first marriage was not awful, we were just so wrong for each other.  We were in our early 20's and had a fairy tale vision of life and marriage.  You get married, buy a house, have kids.  We did all that, but the fairy tale part never happened.  We couldn't make each other happy because we didn't know enough about ourselves or the reality of marriage when we we met.

This time around I knew myself so much better and was aware of the hard work that a happy marriage takes.  I picked a man who had similar interests to mine.  We share the same world views, the same libido, and the same commitment to making marriage work even when it is hard.  I am so much happier.  This marriage feels like my first, because it is so incredibly different than what I had before.  My ex has also met someone who is a better fit for him and it is great to see him feel so loved and appreciated.  

Give yourself time.  When you are ready love will find you and it can be so much better than what you knew before.

MomToovey
by Marianne on Aug. 22, 2014 at 5:28 PM

 Look into the book "How not to fall in love with a jerk" it might be a useful tool as you reenter the dating scene.

skrbelly
by Member on Aug. 22, 2014 at 6:58 PM
1 mom liked this
Life goes on for everyone. If you learn the lesson, you're more aware for the next time. The real bliss in a relationship is to know and understand yourself and only let people in your life who won't try to diminish you.
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