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Love & Marriage Love & Marriage

I'm emotionally done but don't know how and when to make the next step

Posted by on Aug. 26, 2014 at 6:11 PM
  • 38 Replies

I can't take it anymore.  We do not make each other happy at all.  He is such a negative person that all I feel now is bitter and resentful.  He barks all the time or talks shit about anyone or anything.  We have always had problems and I just can't do this anymore.  I feel like I force myself everyday to WANT to be part of this marriage but Monday morning I just yelled what was inside me and said "I'm DONE!"  I really do want to be done but I know he is going to make it hard for me.  He makes $30,000 more than I do and the idea of paying custody pissed him off and said if I try that, he would fight me for 100% custody.  There is nothing he has on me that the court would allow that but I don't want it to be hard.  I went to coffee with a friend who just went through a divorce and she said her and her ex were trying to work it out through a mediator and it was fine until he realized he didn't want to pay child support and decided to fight for custody as well.  $13,500 later.....lawyer fees.....they finally have something in place but he still makes it hard on her.  Ironically, they have the same name.  hahaha.

Anyway, after that, it was hell for her and it still is.  He talks shit about having to pay her child support.  I would love for us to go to counseling to learn to let go but now he is being all nice and I hate it.  I feel it's superficial and fake because the real him won't do this.

I'm not letting him believe that my feelings have changed.  My friend suggested not to move out until someone files but I don't want to file or anyone to file until I feel we can have an understanding.  I know it's not always possible but I don't want it to be harder than it should.

Any experiences?  Any advice?

by on Aug. 26, 2014 at 6:11 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Fayanne
by Gold Member on Aug. 26, 2014 at 6:52 PM

 uhm... well...my exdh managed to poison the mind of my youngest so she went with him and he didn't have to pay CS.

Really.... what kind of ass talks shit about a spouse because he has to pay to support his own child? ...

I dunno what to tell ya.. my SO pays his ex $200 a week... apparently he got off cheap, but I know damn well she doesn't spend $200 a week on him.. SO is always buying his school clothes,.. paying for haircuts, pays his phone, etc. Every time he takes the kid out to buy something I just bite my tongue off because I just want to blurt out 'Where the F is all the child support going?'

Try mediation. It can work, but you both need to be open about it. The legal fees go up when you get to the point where you can't even speak to each other, and then you have no choice but to let your lawyers fight it out. My exdh's lawyer, I am sure, put crap in the initial proposals just to stir shit up so he could rack up more fees.. and dumbass dh paid through the nose, since his lawyer charged more than my first one did.

You can try counseling, and see how it goes.

You can also retain a lawyer and get advice without actually filing. Some lawyers will give you an hour for free before you need to pay a retainer.

how old are your kids?

M4LG5
by Bronze Member on Aug. 26, 2014 at 8:51 PM
My oldest is 11 but she is my daughter from a previous relationship. He is step dad but has been there for her because bio dad is not around. Our twins are 8.

Quoting Fayanne:

 uhm... well...my exdh managed to poison the mind of my youngest so she went with him and he didn't have to pay CS.


Really.... what kind of ass talks shit about a spouse because he has to pay to support his own child? ...


I dunno what to tell ya.. my SO pays his ex $200 a week... apparently he got off cheap, but I know damn well she doesn't spend $200 a week on him.. SO is always buying his school clothes,.. paying for haircuts, pays his phone, etc. Every time he takes the kid out to buy something I just bite my tongue off because I just want to blurt out 'Where the F is all the child support going?'


Try mediation. It can work, but you both need to be open about it. The legal fees go up when you get to the point where you can't even speak to each other, and then you have no choice but to let your lawyers fight it out. My exdh's lawyer, I am sure, put crap in the initial proposals just to stir shit up so he could rack up more fees.. and dumbass dh paid through the nose, since his lawyer charged more than my first one did.


You can try counseling, and see how it goes.


You can also retain a lawyer and get advice without actually filing. Some lawyers will give you an hour for free before you need to pay a retainer.


how old are your kids?

MomToovey
by Marianne on Aug. 27, 2014 at 11:15 AM
1 mom liked this

 Unfortunately, I can't give much advice because I don't have much experience here. You say you would love to try counseling and that right now, he's being nice. Maybe "nice husband" would be up for counseling too? It feels to me, based on your post, that his main motive for staying together is so that he doesn't have to pay child support. That's not exactly the best reason, but maybe knowing that's the alternative will encourage him to really put forth the effort to make it work? It's a start at least. And if you do go, there's hope that these issues can be resolved.

Good luck. ((HUGS))

M4LG5
by Bronze Member on Aug. 27, 2014 at 12:10 PM

 "nice husband" turns into "bitter husband" if things don't go his way.  His love is very conditional....if it's good and he is having fun, he loves me.  If things are not like how he likes it to be, he doesn't do anything that shows he loves me. 

I don't think he wants to divorce because our situation is easy financially and because of our girls.  We have saved a ton of money together, we pay our bills, and we make it work in that way.  Emotionally and mentally, we are not compatible at all.  I think that I need to go back to counseling for myself no matter what in order to help me get through my emotions while this is going on.

Quoting MomToovey:

 Unfortunately, I can't give much advice because I don't have much experience here. You say you would love to try counseling and that right now, he's being nice. Maybe "nice husband" would be up for counseling too? It feels to me, based on your post, that his main motive for staying together is so that he doesn't have to pay child support. That's not exactly the best reason, but maybe knowing that's the alternative will encourage him to really put forth the effort to make it work? It's a start at least. And if you do go, there's hope that these issues can be resolved.

Good luck. ((HUGS))

 

nonyobizniz
by on Aug. 27, 2014 at 12:24 PM
If you think that's bad; I signed away my rights to anything and everything just to keep my kids

I agreed to resolve child support between us
I have 3 kids at home 2 are his
Before I signed the agreement he agreed to 800 a month

Now he says 200
Fayanne
by Gold Member on Aug. 27, 2014 at 12:41 PM

 

Quoting M4LG5:

 "nice husband" turns into "bitter husband" if things don't go his way.  His love is very conditional....if it's good and he is having fun, he loves me.  If things are not like how he likes it to be, he doesn't do anything that shows he loves me. 

This was my situation, too , and the bitter dh was an absolute ass.

I don't think he wants to divorce because our situation is easy financially and because of our girls.  We have saved a ton of money together, we pay our bills, and we make it work in that way.  Emotionally and mentally, we are not compatible at all.  I think that I need to go back to counseling for myself no matter what in order to help me get through my emotions while this is going on.

 

 

I was told recently, men won't divorce unless there's another woman.

counseling for you is good.  Get your documents, etc together. You'll know when you've finally had enough.

Life is short, and it ain't getting any longer, either.

I just could not imagine the rest of my life living with someone so bitter

                   
    Life is divine chaos
Embrace it.  Forgive  yourself.   Breathe
           And enjoy the ride....   

Amy0317
by on Aug. 27, 2014 at 12:59 PM

Well, first off, you're a Giants fan.  That's an automatic fail!  lol.  Sorry, hardcore A's fan here (although DH is a Giants fan.  bleck!  lol)!


But on a serious note, it sounds like you've got the right idea to go to counseling together, or at least on your own.  Sometimes someone who is outside of the situation can help bring light to one or both of the parties involved in the mess.  I hope you guys are able to take care of things peacefully and come to agreements, whether that's staying together, or making decisions apart.  Good luck Mama!  ((Hugs))

M4LG5
by Bronze Member on Aug. 27, 2014 at 1:16 PM

 I root for the A's because they are in the Bay Area and I'm a Bay Area girl but I bleed orange! haha

Thank you for your support.  It does help.

Quoting Amy0317:

Well, first off, you're a Giants fan.  That's an automatic fail!  lol.  Sorry, hardcore A's fan here (although DH is a Giants fan.  bleck!  lol)!

 

But on a serious note, it sounds like you've got the right idea to go to counseling together, or at least on your own.  Sometimes someone who is outside of the situation can help bring light to one or both of the parties involved in the mess.  I hope you guys are able to take care of things peacefully and come to agreements, whether that's staying together, or making decisions apart.  Good luck Mama!  ((Hugs))

 

M4LG5
by Bronze Member on Aug. 27, 2014 at 1:19 PM

 

Quoting Fayanne:

 

Quoting M4LG5:

 "nice husband" turns into "bitter husband" if things don't go his way.  His love is very conditional....if it's good and he is having fun, he loves me.  If things are not like how he likes it to be, he doesn't do anything that shows he loves me. 

This was my situation, too , and the bitter dh was an absolute ass.

I don't think he wants to divorce because our situation is easy financially and because of our girls.  We have saved a ton of money together, we pay our bills, and we make it work in that way.  Emotionally and mentally, we are not compatible at all.  I think that I need to go back to counseling for myself no matter what in order to help me get through my emotions while this is going on.

 

 

I was told recently, men won't divorce unless there's another woman.

counseling for you is good.  Get your documents, etc together. You'll know when you've finally had enough.

Life is short, and it ain't getting any longer, either.

I just could not imagine the rest of my life living with someone so bitter

 And I'm so tired of feeling so tensed and stressed.  I feel like I'm can't be my whole self without him talking shit.  I can't talk about stuff on facebook because he thinks facebook is evil.  When I'm enjoying myself and having fun with other family we hang out with, he says I'm being fake.  I told him that "it's not me being fake...it's me being myself but, unfortunately, this person doesn't come out at home because you always have to say shit."

"Bitter husband" is an ass and that is who I have to deal with most of the time.

IQuitCounting
by Bronze Member on Aug. 27, 2014 at 1:22 PM

I have to ask... if you've "always had problems" why did you marry him in the first place?

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