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Why is he refusing to communicate?

Posted by on Sep. 23, 2014 at 11:15 AM
  • 55 Replies

I've contributed here before but I opened a new account because I am so embarassed and frustrated about this problem.  Scott and I have such problems but he is completely oblivious to them.  He just thinks status quo is fine.  And its compounded by his refusal to communicate about them.  For example, yesterday I made myself a hot breakfast before I went to work and I had just enough time to eat it before I had to leave.  I left it on the table for a minute to cool and went into another room to get my purse and bag so I could just leave afterwards and when I came back into the kitchen he had eaten almost every last bite of my breakfast.  When I got incredibly mad he calmly said it was just sitting there like I didn't want it.  I got mad at him and started yelling but he just maintained his calm and stood by his arguement.  I said well why didn't you at least ASK if I didn't want it and he gave me his typical blank stare/dumbfounded look as if to say I should have asked first?  That night when I wanted to calmly discuss why I was upset and how it started my day off on the wrong foot he gives me what I call the flim flam "You were mad"?It's a problem? We had a fight? Don't you have enough to think about?" He spends excessively and we will probably have to declare bankruptcy soon, which doesn't bother him at all but it bothers me very much.  Mostly because it his spending and not mine.  He impulse buys like crazy and typically he spends $200 a month on hobbies and clothes he wears once or not at all.  Countless times I have sat down and tried to calmy talk to him about his spending and he gave me the flim flam. "We have discussed this before? We have financial problems? It's bothering you?  Why didn't you say anything? You said something before?"  Then I try discussing our marriage problems and how his spending and constantly forgetting from day to day what we discuss is causing marriage problems.  Then I get "We have discussed this?  We hare having marriage problems? We had a fight? Don't you have anything else to think about?"  Then I will say something else and he gives me the  typical blank stare/dumbfounded look .  Talking to him about any issue in our life is pointless and so frustrating.  But he is happy as a clam and does what ever he wants and I hold everything together.   So why do you think he gives me the flim flam and the typical blank stare/dumbfounded look?  Is he just avoiding having hard discussions or is he just subconciously trying to aggrivate me.  I don't even know any more if this situation is my fault for not figuring out a way to communicate better to him or his.  How can he seriously not get it or forget all the time our problems and things I try to discuss with him?  Sorry if this is long and rambeling or if I don't even make sense.

by on Sep. 23, 2014 at 11:15 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Hottmomma607
by Trica on Sep. 23, 2014 at 11:43 AM

You two need counseling! ASAP! He sees that he is never wrong. I can't believe he ate your breakfast?

Quoting ImaAmazin:

I've contributed here before but I opened a new account because I am so embarassed and frustrated about this problem.  Scott and I have such problems but he is completely oblivious to them.  He just thinks status quo is fine.  And its compounded by his refusal to communicate about them.  For example, yesterday I made myself a hot breakfast before I went to work and I had just enough time to eat it before I had to leave.  I left it on the table for a minute to cool and went into another room to get my purse and bag so I could just leave afterwards and when I came back into the kitchen he had eaten almost every last bite of my breakfast.  When I got incredibly mad he calmly said it was just sitting there like I didn't want it.  I got mad at him and started yelling but he just maintained his calm and stood by his arguement.  I said well why didn't you at least ASK if I didn't want it and he gave me his typical blank stare/dumbfounded look as if to say I should have asked first?  That night when I wanted to calmly discuss why I was upset and how it started my day off on the wrong foot he gives me what I call the flim flam "You were mad"?It's a problem? We had a fight? Don't you have enough to think about?" He spends excessively and we will probably have to declare bankruptcy soon, which doesn't bother him at all but it bothers me very much.  Mostly because it his spending and not mine.  He impulse buys like crazy and typically he spends $200 a month on hobbies and clothes he wears once or not at all.  Countless times I have sat down and tried to calmy talk to him about his spending and he gave me the flim flam. "We have discussed this before? We have financial problems? It's bothering you?  Why didn't you say anything? You said something before?"  Then I try discussing our marriage problems and how his spending and constantly forgetting from day to day what we discuss is causing marriage problems.  Then I get "We have discussed this?  We hare having marriage problems? We had a fight? Don't you have anything else to think about?"  Then I will say something else and he gives me the  typical blank stare/dumbfounded look .  Talking to him about any issue in our life is pointless and so frustrating.  But he is happy as a clam and does what ever he wants and I hold everything together.   So why do you think he gives me the flim flam and the typical blank stare/dumbfounded look?  Is he just avoiding having hard discussions or is he just subconciously trying to aggrivate me.  I don't even know any more if this situation is my fault for not figuring out a way to communicate better to him or his.  How can he seriously not get it or forget all the time our problems and things I try to discuss with him?  Sorry if this is long and rambeling or if I don't even make sense.


ImaAmazin
by on Sep. 23, 2014 at 11:46 AM

I thought that was so immature. Yes, he ate my bacon and eggs.  I was starving and I had a craving for something I rarely eat.  I grabbed a bluebarry bar and ate in in the car going to work. I was p!ssed but it isn't even about the food it's his attitude.

heybooboo
by on Sep. 23, 2014 at 11:54 AM
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He has figured out a way to avoid dealing with his actions.  Instead, he plays the flim flam game which leaves you frustrated and he walks away as if nothing is wrong.  He can then do as he pleases and leaves you to deal with the aftermath.

What you need to do is change how you react/interact with him.  Perhaps, you need to look at changing how you manage money.  IE.  Make an appointment with a financial planner/counselor.  Give Scott the appointment info and have him meet you there.  If he is a no show, then you do what you need to do and separate your finances from him immediately.  If it means you file for legal separation as well (to protect yourself) then do so.

It may also be time to put everything into writing, state it very clearly, and state what you need from him very clearly.  And let him figure out what he is going to do on his end.  If he doesn't respond, then you have a pretty clear indicator that he will never ever be a partner that you can count on.

IE.  I need you, Scott, to be more conservative with your spending.  I would like to set us both up with a strict allowance, and keep our bills/expenses separate. 

As far as him eating your breakfast like that.  He is an asshole. 

UCFknight
by Brenda on Sep. 23, 2014 at 11:56 AM

I can imagine you feel like you are banging your head against a wall with every conversation you have with him. I am sorry, he is not listening. He also seems rather absent-minded. Have you asked him to go to therapy? Is he willing to try it? Does he think he has a communication problem (a big part of communication is listening to the other person)? I would be very frustrated with your situation as well.

ImaAmazin
by on Sep. 23, 2014 at 11:58 AM

I don't know if he will go.  He may say yes then never show up making and excuse and giving me the flim flam.

ImaAmazin
by on Sep. 23, 2014 at 12:01 PM

I've said things like that a million times but he says what I want to hear then goes back to the same thing.  I don't know if I could seperate our finances.  Aren't I still responsible for his bills?  If I did I would never get any money at all from him for bills/finances so I would be paying everything from my money.

Quoting heybooboo:

He has figured out a way to avoid dealing with his actions.  Instead, he plays the flim flam game which leaves you frustrated and he walks away as if nothing is wrong.  He can then do as he pleases and leaves you to deal with the aftermath.

What you need to do is change how you react/interact with him.  Perhaps, you need to look at changing how you manage money.  IE.  Make an appointment with a financial planner/counselor.  Give Scott the appointment info and have him meet you there.  If he is a no show, then you do what you need to do and separate your finances from him immediately.  If it means you file for legal separation as well (to protect yourself) then do so.

It may also be time to put everything into writing, state it very clearly, and state what you need from him very clearly.  And let him figure out what he is going to do on his end.  If he doesn't respond, then you have a pretty clear indicator that he will never ever be a partner that you can count on.

IE.  I need you, Scott, to be more conservative with your spending.  I would like to set us both up with a strict allowance, and keep our bills/expenses separate. 

As far as him eating your breakfast like that.  He is an asshole. 




heybooboo
by on Sep. 23, 2014 at 12:29 PM

Well, I think you have your answers then.  He is going to do as he pleases, regardless of how it will affect you.  Is this something you can live with, long term? 

As far as separating yourself from his financial liability, you will need to speak with a lawyer.  If you are married, you will need to file legal separation/divorce, to limit any further financial liability you have in common with Scott.  Otherwise, he is going to ruin you just as he is ruining himself.  If you stay with him, you will probably end up 100% responsible for all living expenses.  He has decided a long time ago that he has no interest in being an actual life partner, and he will do as he pleases regardless of how it will affect you and your family.

Quoting ImaAmazin:

I've said things like that a million times but he says what I want to hear then goes back to the same thing.  I don't know if I could seperate our finances.  Aren't I still responsible for his bills?  If I did I would never get any money at all from him for bills/finances so I would be paying everything from my money.

Quoting heybooboo:

He has figured out a way to avoid dealing with his actions.  Instead, he plays the flim flam game which leaves you frustrated and he walks away as if nothing is wrong.  He can then do as he pleases and leaves you to deal with the aftermath.

What you need to do is change how you react/interact with him.  Perhaps, you need to look at changing how you manage money.  IE.  Make an appointment with a financial planner/counselor.  Give Scott the appointment info and have him meet you there.  If he is a no show, then you do what you need to do and separate your finances from him immediately.  If it means you file for legal separation as well (to protect yourself) then do so.

It may also be time to put everything into writing, state it very clearly, and state what you need from him very clearly.  And let him figure out what he is going to do on his end.  If he doesn't respond, then you have a pretty clear indicator that he will never ever be a partner that you can count on.

IE.  I need you, Scott, to be more conservative with your spending.  I would like to set us both up with a strict allowance, and keep our bills/expenses separate. 

As far as him eating your breakfast like that.  He is an asshole. 

 

 

 

Chantilly1
by on Sep. 23, 2014 at 12:37 PM

i could have wrote this myself. 

hugs from one frustrated wife to another 

owl0210
by on Sep. 23, 2014 at 12:43 PM
1 mom liked this
He is who he is and isn't going to change. Do you want to be married to such an inconsiderate selfish person?
balagan_imma
by Bronze Member on Sep. 23, 2014 at 12:51 PM

Have you laid it on the line that you are going to leave if he doesn't commit to going to counseling with you? That's what I did with my DH. Just me saying that he was going to lose me really snapped him out of his jackassery. And then we worked on our issues.

I would definitely go to counseling on my own if he didn't want to go. Figure out if you really want to stay with someone who doesn't value you, your thoughts, feelings, and opinions.

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