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Need some marriage advice...

Posted by on Nov. 4, 2014 at 10:29 AM
  • 26 Replies
Hey everyone, i'm new here so please be nice :) i'm a newly wed looking for some good advice...

Me and my husband got married in May this year. We have been together for 6 years now but there is a problem in the relationship that I feel like is never going to go away. I believe in the "everything in moderation" saying, but my husband takes the biscuit. He sees his friends every single day. He works weekends and nights and I work weekdays so our time together is already really sparse. When we have some time off together he will sometimes spend the afternoon with me, we will maybe go for lunch. Then the evening he will see his friends. However when he sees his friends, it has to be from morning to night, he doesn't leave them to spend the evening with me. I try to spend time with my friends but at the end of the day it doesn't take away from the fact that I really miss spending time with my husband. Besides all that, my main point is he sees his friends every single night while I am home on my own. When I confront him about it he says "you can't control when I can and can't go out" which is true and maybe I'm just being jealous, but I feel the amount of time he spends with them is excessive. I've just also recently found out I'm pregnant too so I need all the support I can get at the moment. We decided to go on one last holiday for my birthday before baby is here as we probably won't be able to afford it once we have our baby, and he wants to bring his friends along on holiday too! I said to him since its my birthday I'd prefer we went together without friends as it's one of the last chances for a few years we will get to go somewhere lovely and romantic as a couple before going into parenthood. He isn't happy with that.

am I over reacting? I just thought that being married meant you spent loads of time and happiness with your husband, I knew it wouldn't be easy as no marriage is perfect, but I didn't expect to feel lonely.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

M
by on Nov. 4, 2014 at 10:29 AM
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Replies (1-10):
lucky2Beeme
by Silver Member on Nov. 4, 2014 at 10:39 AM
2 moms liked this

Red flag if he prefers friends to you. how was your relationship before you married him ? Were his friends his preference them ? If so he is never going to change. I think a real heart to heart about what you both want and need from each other is in order. In a marriage like any other relationship people need to compromise. You both need to come up with a solution that works for both of you.  It doesn't sound like he is. If he is not willing to meet  your needs , is he really the guy for you ?

Surround yourself with people that add to your life not subtract from it.

minniemac
by Member on Nov. 4, 2014 at 10:49 AM
Hi, thanks for your quick reply. He has always held his friends highly however there was always a good balance, it was always fair and I was happy and so were his friends. It seems to be since he got made redundant shortly after coming home from our honeymoon that it started, I was back at work and he had a lot of time on his hands so he seen his friends while I was at work and became closer to them the more often he seen them. He now has a new job but this doesn't seem to have changed the amount he spends with his friends, so it's me that's suffering. In regards to him being the man for me, that isn't even in the question. He has provided for me in every way possible and I couldn't love him more if I tried and I know he loves me the same. It might have not bothered me as much before but now I'm pregnant I feel I need him around much more than ever now, he always puts me first when it comes to scans doctors apps etc and he's always there, but he's lacking in the social aspect and I feel that I need support from him. I have great friends and family but it's not the same as the support from a husband.

Quoting lucky2Beeme:

Red flag if he prefers friends to you. how was your relationship before you married him ? Were his friends his preference them ? If so he is never going to change. I think a real heart to heart about what you both want and need from each other is in order. In a marriage like any other relationship people need to compromise. You both need to come up with a solution that works for both of you.  It doesn't sound like he is. If he is not willing to meet  your needs , is he really the guy for you ?

M4LG5
by Silver Member on Nov. 4, 2014 at 11:45 AM
1 mom liked this

 Just wait for the baby to come and he is going to have a huge reality check.  Hopefully he is involved in parenting because then he will see it more.  If he believes you should take care of the child, then he won't realize it. 

My husband was always wanting to hang out with people.  He still does but when we had the kids, I had to give him a reality check because he didn't see it.  Before me, he would always go on these weekends with his buddies to the cabin and such.  A month after I had our twins, he was already planning a weekend to the cabin with the guys and I looked at him and said, "Do you really think that is a good idea?"  Then he tried to say he was only thinking of going one night.  This is what I told him:  "AH....so you are planning to go away without consulting me even though I'm your partner? hmmm....Oh AND you think going away while I take care of the almost 3 year old and newborn twins BY MYSELF while i'm still recovering from a c-section is a totally GREAT idea?"  I later told him that he sounded extremely selfish and had no regard to me as his future wife (we weren't married yet) and our kids.   

Ohhhhhhhhhhh!  Yeah....that made him open his eyes.  It was like a rock hit him across the head and put some sense into him. 

My point.....you need to tell him how it makes you feel and maybe even ask him what this marriage and family is going to look like in his perspective so you can see where he is coming from and then tell him where you see it THEN you come up with a solution to find a happy medium.

Also, are his friends married?  That can be a difference too.  He can be influenced and jealous of the friends that do not have a commitment.

8 years later, he doesn't go out nearly as much (neither of us do) with our friends because we are so busy.  I made him choose his kids or his friends.  Don't get me wrong, he still has his time with his friends as much as I do but when it counts, he chose to be a father and a husband.

minniemac
by Member on Nov. 4, 2014 at 11:59 AM
Hey,

Thanks this advice has really helped me. I think you're right about the fact he might change when the baby is here. I've been thinking that maybe he's trying to fit in as much time as he can with his friends before the baby is here. He's really excited about the baby as am I but I kinda hoped he would be there for me more lol. Maybe when the baby is here he will realise that if he isn't around as much then he's missing out a lot. Maybe I should change my attitude in the way I approach it? At the moment I sort of nag him like "Oh you're not going out with your friends again are you?!" And that's what starts the "you can't control when I go out" argument. Maybe I should word it in a way that HE thinks he's making the decision himself to stay home and not that I'm making him do it haha :)

Quoting M4LG5:

 Just wait for the baby to come and he is going to have a huge reality check.  Hopefully he is involved in parenting because then he will see it more.  If he believes you should take care of the child, then he won't realize it. 


My husband was always wanting to hang out with people.  He still does but when we had the kids, I had to give him a reality check because he didn't see it.  Before me, he would always go on these weekends with his buddies to the cabin and such.  A month after I had our twins, he was already planning a weekend to the cabin with the guys and I looked at him and said, "Do you really think that is a good idea?"  Then he tried to say he was only thinking of going one night.  This is what I told him:  "AH....so you are planning to go away without consulting me even though I'm your partner? hmmm....Oh AND you think going away while I take care of the almost 3 year old and newborn twins BY MYSELF while i'm still recovering from a c-section is a totally GREAT idea?"  I later told him that he sounded extremely selfish and had no regard to me as his future wife (we weren't married yet) and our kids.   


Ohhhhhhhhhhh!  Yeah....that made him open his eyes.  It was like a rock hit him across the head and put some sense into him. 


My point.....you need to tell him how it makes you feel and maybe even ask him what this marriage and family is going to look like in his perspective so you can see where he is coming from and then tell him where you see it THEN you come up with a solution to find a happy medium.


Also, are his friends married?  That can be a difference too.  He can be influenced and jealous of the friends that do not have a commitment.


8 years later, he doesn't go out nearly as much (neither of us do) with our friends because we are so busy.  I made him choose his kids or his friends.  Don't get me wrong, he still has his time with his friends as much as I do but when it counts, he chose to be a father and a husband.

minniemac
by Member on Nov. 4, 2014 at 12:00 PM
Ps. His closest friend is divorced and his other friend is newly married too.

Quoting M4LG5:

 Just wait for the baby to come and he is going to have a huge reality check.  Hopefully he is involved in parenting because then he will see it more.  If he believes you should take care of the child, then he won't realize it. 


My husband was always wanting to hang out with people.  He still does but when we had the kids, I had to give him a reality check because he didn't see it.  Before me, he would always go on these weekends with his buddies to the cabin and such.  A month after I had our twins, he was already planning a weekend to the cabin with the guys and I looked at him and said, "Do you really think that is a good idea?"  Then he tried to say he was only thinking of going one night.  This is what I told him:  "AH....so you are planning to go away without consulting me even though I'm your partner? hmmm....Oh AND you think going away while I take care of the almost 3 year old and newborn twins BY MYSELF while i'm still recovering from a c-section is a totally GREAT idea?"  I later told him that he sounded extremely selfish and had no regard to me as his future wife (we weren't married yet) and our kids.   


Ohhhhhhhhhhh!  Yeah....that made him open his eyes.  It was like a rock hit him across the head and put some sense into him. 


My point.....you need to tell him how it makes you feel and maybe even ask him what this marriage and family is going to look like in his perspective so you can see where he is coming from and then tell him where you see it THEN you come up with a solution to find a happy medium.


Also, are his friends married?  That can be a difference too.  He can be influenced and jealous of the friends that do not have a commitment.


8 years later, he doesn't go out nearly as much (neither of us do) with our friends because we are so busy.  I made him choose his kids or his friends.  Don't get me wrong, he still has his time with his friends as much as I do but when it counts, he chose to be a father and a husband.

furbabymum
by on Nov. 4, 2014 at 12:01 PM
1 mom liked this

 I'm wondering why you married him? You have no standards woman???? I'm the type of woman who does not inhibit what my DH does. He can go out with his friends, more power to him. I suppose I can say that because my DH isn't an asshole. His friends have never come before me and certainly never before the kids. If he put his friends above our children I'd stab him in the eye with something rusty.

I think you need to sit him down for a Come to Jesus meeting. No, you can't control him and what he does but what he is doing is harmful to the woman he purports to love and the child he conceived with her. So he has to pare down the time with his friends. NOT stop it but reduce it. If he can't do that..................

M4LG5
by Silver Member on Nov. 4, 2014 at 12:05 PM

 Men have the "best idea" when they come up with it themselves even if we manipulated it in a way that it was really our idea.  hahahaha!!

Quoting minniemac: Hey, Thanks this advice has really helped me. I think you're right about the fact he might change when the baby is here. I've been thinking that maybe he's trying to fit in as much time as he can with his friends before the baby is here. He's really excited about the baby as am I but I kinda hoped he would be there for me more lol. Maybe when the baby is here he will realise that if he isn't around as much then he's missing out a lot. Maybe I should change my attitude in the way I approach it? At the moment I sort of nag him like "Oh you're not going out with your friends again are you?!" And that's what starts the "you can't control when I go out" argument. Maybe I should word it in a way that HE thinks he's making the decision himself to stay home and not that I'm making him do it haha :)

 

minniemac
by Member on Nov. 4, 2014 at 12:31 PM
I think the first part of your advice was really uncalled for and I don't appreciate that you are insinuating that my husband is an asshole. You don't know him and this is only a small aspect of our marriage that I am merely asking advice on. I haven't mentioned the rest of our marriage because I didn't think I would need to justify myself as to why I married him. He is caring and he makes me laugh, he is romantic, kind and gentle and he gave me a reason to be happy after going through a really traumatic experience when I was 18. He made me feel like I was worth something and he always makes me feel beautiful, regardless of my self esteem issues. We are always happy and are always on the same level with everything. This is only a small problem I've experienced over the last 4 months(bearing in mind we have been together for 6 years) and I don't want to trouble my family or friends with it and I thought it would be good to get some advice from some people who aren't "involved" as such in my life. I didn't think I would need to justify why I married him. However thank you for the second part of the advice and I will take on board and have a discussion with him about it.

Quoting furbabymum:

 I'm wondering why you married him? You have no standards woman???? I'm the type of woman who does not inhibit what my DH does. He can go out with his friends, more power to him. I suppose I can say that because my DH isn't an asshole. His friends have never come before me and certainly never before the kids. If he put his friends above our children I'd stab him in the eye with something rusty.


I think you need to sit him down for a Come to Jesus meeting. No, you can't control him and what he does but what he is doing is harmful to the woman he purports to love and the child he conceived with her. So he has to pare down the time with his friends. NOT stop it but reduce it. If he can't do that..................

minniemac
by Member on Nov. 4, 2014 at 12:32 PM
Also in regards to having no standards, he was the first person I let into my life after going through what I went through. My standards were extremely high.

Quoting minniemac: I think the first part of your advice was really uncalled for and I don't appreciate that you are insinuating that my husband is an asshole. You don't know him and this is only a small aspect of our marriage that I am merely asking advice on. I haven't mentioned the rest of our marriage because I didn't think I would need to justify myself as to why I married him. He is caring and he makes me laugh, he is romantic, kind and gentle and he gave me a reason to be happy after going through a really traumatic experience when I was 18. He made me feel like I was worth something and he always makes me feel beautiful, regardless of my self esteem issues. We are always happy and are always on the same level with everything. This is only a small problem I've experienced over the last 4 months(bearing in mind we have been together for 6 years) and I don't want to trouble my family or friends with it and I thought it would be good to get some advice from some people who aren't "involved" as such in my life. I didn't think I would need to justify why I married him. However thank you for the second part of the advice and I will take on board and have a discussion with him about it.

Quoting furbabymum:

 I'm wondering why you married him? You have no standards woman???? I'm the type of woman who does not inhibit what my DH does. He can go out with his friends, more power to him. I suppose I can say that because my DH isn't an asshole. His friends have never come before me and certainly never before the kids. If he put his friends above our children I'd stab him in the eye with something rusty.


I think you need to sit him down for a Come to Jesus meeting. No, you can't control him and what he does but what he is doing is harmful to the woman he purports to love and the child he conceived with her. So he has to pare down the time with his friends. NOT stop it but reduce it. If he can't do that..................

furbabymum
by on Nov. 4, 2014 at 12:33 PM

 What other part of your marriage? You'd probably have to spend time together to get that and you don't because he doesn't want to.

Quoting minniemac: I think the first part of your advice was really uncalled for and I don't appreciate that you are insinuating that my husband is an asshole. You don't know him and this is only a small aspect of our marriage that I am merely asking advice on. I haven't mentioned the rest of our marriage because I didn't think I would need to justify myself as to why I married him. He is caring and he makes me laugh, he is romantic, kind and gentle and he gave me a reason to be happy after going through a really traumatic experience when I was 18. He made me feel like I was worth something and he always makes me feel beautiful, regardless of my self esteem issues. We are always happy and are always on the same level with everything. This is only a small problem I've experienced over the last 4 months(bearing in mind we have been together for 6 years) and I don't want to trouble my family or friends with it and I thought it would be good to get some advice from some people who aren't "involved" as such in my life. I didn't think I would need to justify why I married him. However thank you for the second part of the advice and I will take on board and have a discussion with him about it.
Quoting furbabymum:

 I'm wondering why you married him? You have no standards woman???? I'm the type of woman who does not inhibit what my DH does. He can go out with his friends, more power to him. I suppose I can say that because my DH isn't an asshole. His friends have never come before me and certainly never before the kids. If he put his friends above our children I'd stab him in the eye with something rusty.

I think you need to sit him down for a Come to Jesus meeting. No, you can't control him and what he does but what he is doing is harmful to the woman he purports to love and the child he conceived with her. So he has to pare down the time with his friends. NOT stop it but reduce it. If he can't do that..................

 

"If Jesus was coming, there would be wine." ~DH
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