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8 Signs Your Husband Has Checked Out of Your Marriage

Posted by on Dec. 12, 2014 at 11:59 AM
  • 8 Replies

8 Signs Your Husband Has Checked Out of Your Marriage

man ignoring wife

Ever get the feeling your husband has checked out of your marriage? You see him every day. He says everything's fine. But you can't shake it: He's no longer participating in your relationship. Emotionally and mentally he is someplace else. If you need a gut check, there are some more concrete signs to look for -- and yes, there are definitely a few things you can do to reconnect.

It's a Feeling

First of all, trust your feelings. Most of the signs that someone is giving up on a relationship tend to be nonverbal, says psychotherapist and relationship coach Toni Coleman. "He's just not engaged, he's just not as attentive to you anymore, and you sense it." She compares it with the Carly Simon song, "That's the Way I've Always Heard It Should Be." 

My father sits at night with no lights on
His cigarette glows in the dark.
The living room is still;
I walk by, no remark.
I tiptoe past the master bedroom where
My mother reads her magazines.
I hear her call sweet dreams,
But I forgot how to dream. 

He Gives You More Negative Feedback Than Positive

Think of your last five conversations. What did he have to say? Was he complaining, refusing, expressing doubts? If most of your conversations together have a negative tone, that's another indication.

He Shares Things With Other People

You may hear your husband sharing things with other people that he doesn't share with you. Why isn't he telling you these things? Something to think about.

He's Not So Amused With Your Quirks

When someone's emotionally disengaged, Coleman says, they become more impatient. "The little things seem to grate on his nerves. And the things about you that he used to think were cute all of a sudden get on his nerves. He's not as patient with you anymore." Not only that, he no longer seems interested in listening to what you have to say.

He Doesn't Check in With You Anymore

If he used to call or text you throughout the day just to say hello and see how you're doing, he may have stopped doing that. You're also no longer connecting in conversation the way you used to.

He Keeps Score

"There's this sense of keeping score, almost like roommates do," Coleman says. "'I did this and you did that so ...' as opposed to 'let me do that for you because I know you're tired.'" Hopefully you're not both doing this! A marriage is not about score keeping.

He Retreats to His Man Cave

Does this sound familiar? He comes home at the end of the day and, without even saying hello, he retreats to his den or some other man cave-like place. "You're getting less face time together in the house or anywhere, and you don't go out on dates anymore," Coleman says, adding that if he's not inviting you to join him, that's another bad sign.

He Stops Touching You

"The touching issue is huge. It comes up a lot," Coleman says. The women she treats will tell her, "He used to reach out and hold my hand," or "We used to spoon in bed, and he just doesn't do that anymore." She doesn't believe that frequent touching is something that happens only in the early stages of a relationship; it should be ongoing. "When he stops, it means he's distancing himself." 

Why Is He Doing This?

There are so many reasons why a person checks out of their marriage: Work, finances, illness, conflicts over the kids or in-laws, just to name a few. It could be alcoholism, Coleman says. "Or it could be another woman he's interested in because she's cute, friendly, has a positive attitude, and he doesn't have to deal with the hard stuff of life with her." He could be having an emotional affair.

What You Can Do

"You need to assess what's going on with your relationship -- not just that he's pulling away -- but what's happening in your lives," Coleman says. Look at the big picture, and look at your role in your situation. That's the hard part. "Have you been busy with the children and ignoring him? Putting too much emphasis on work? Has he been wanting more of your attention?"

"Don't get stuck feeling like the wronged person," Coleman warns. "It doesn't work to try to lay blame." Instead, you need to meet your husband halfway, open up, and own your part of the situation. This is critical. "No one wins unless everyone wins," Coleman says. 

Not the solution you were hoping for? Well, Coleman adds, "It's the answer you don't want to hear that's usually the right answer."

Does any of this sound familiar? Have you tried reconnecting, or are you waiting for him to make the first move?


Image via Photographee.eu/Shutterstock

by on Dec. 12, 2014 at 11:59 AM
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Replies (1-8):
earthangel1967
by on Dec. 12, 2014 at 12:22 PM

wipe brow Whew Todd doesn't do any of those things, so I guess my assumption that he has not checked out is on track. lol 

bad As for my ex h who I was married to unhappily for 16 yrs... he only did one of those things the entire time and that was to retreat to his equivalent of a man cave. He had his own clock and watch shop business attached to our house and his wood shop too and he tended to be out there an over the top amount of time and it was like pulling teeth to get him out of there. Drove me bonkers. Sometimes I was glad he was in there so he wasn't causing issues in the house and I could get a break but it was hard to get him to come in when you needed him too though.  

He didn't do any of those other things though. He wasn't checked out.. he didn't want the marriage to end at all, even when I ended it sadly. 

View Full Size Image YVONNE

MomToovey
by Marianne on Dec. 12, 2014 at 3:17 PM
1 mom liked this

 Same here!!! Thank goodness :)

Quoting earthangel1967:

wipe brow Whew Todd doesn't do any of those things, so I guess my assumption that he has not checked out is on track. lol 

 

 



LadyBast
by Brenda on Dec. 12, 2014 at 9:00 PM

Nope not really I was seeing some of it but I was not helping him and he was not helping me I was so off in my world that I did not see it until now many months, and a few years later :(  

I see it now and will fix it!

la_bella_vita
by Bella on Dec. 12, 2014 at 9:57 PM

DH is definitely checked in, lol

mellcastray
by on Dec. 13, 2014 at 8:52 PM
1 mom liked this

This sounds more like I am the one thats checked out...... How do I fix that???  


Serenity7
by on Dec. 14, 2014 at 10:20 AM

 Thanks for posting

12D Christmas 14 linda

 

BonitaM
by Ruby Member on Dec. 14, 2014 at 11:05 AM
Nope he's not checked out.
Crissy2424
by Member on Dec. 14, 2014 at 3:00 PM
1 mom liked this

I was just thinking the same thing.

Quoting mellcastray:

This sounds more like I am the one thats checked out...... How do I fix that???  



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