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silent treatment

Posted by on Dec. 28, 2014 at 12:49 AM
  • 12 Replies
BEFORE YOU PRESS THE BACK BUTTON: please don't let the length turn you away. I tried to keep it short, but this is far more complicated than I can even begin to explain. I really need some advice, preferably home remedies, no "talk to a therapist". Maybe one of you women know where I'm at?

So, I've posted before about the differences in how my husband and I think we should raise our children. Its messy so ill try to keep the recap short...He has a 5-year-old daughter from a past relationship and together we have an 18-month-old son. Since we got married and moved out of his parent's house one year ago I've noticed a trend in his parenting: he does whatever is easiest for him - no naps for baby because "he wasn't tired", doesn't want to make lunch so "here have some chips and cookies, but eat your carrot too", etc.).

Another issue: I constantly catch his extremely jealous daughter being sneaky with bad behavior, including throwing toys off of her dresser and blaming her brother, using her body to keep my son away from her, forcing her hand down on top of my son's hand/foot so he can't get away, etc. and my husband does nothing about it. Granted, I have griped about it enough for him to open his eyes and be more present that he has caught her a couple times, but if he doesn't see it his daughter has no punishment and my son is told "it's okay, you're the boy. You have to be tough."

We have other issues and differing point of views on pretty much every aspect of our lives. My husband is a slob. He does not pick up after himself, therefore I am the nagging step - mom telling his daughter to pick up her toys before she goes out to play, or goes to school/bed. We have had many arguments about his leading by poor example to both kids and he just gets defensive and dramatic. Which brings me to the point that we ALWAYS fight. We fight about his laziness, lack of ambition, lack of motivation, lack of memory (which to me only shows he doesn't care if he "forgot")... Omg I could go on and on. Well, I'm tired of fighting and I know he is, too.

There's more to this but basically, I'm exhausted and lonely. I live hours from my family and friends and have for the last 4 years. My husband has never stopped me from going to visit, but since we've hit this really rough patch over the last few months I've felt like we hate everything that comes out of each others mouths. We mare just making reasons to not like each other. But, last weekend was my breaking point. Sundays he works evenings until late. My mom was in town visiting and I told him I wanted to take my son and go back with her for 2 nights. He told me that he didn't want me to go because he wanted to be with us. Well, come 11, when he walked in the door he told me he was leaving to go meet some friends at a bar. Okay, any other time I would gladly kiss him goodbye. I've even driven him to meet his friends with a sleeping baby in the back seat. This time I was so hurt and more resentful than I ever have been.

And now, we have come to... the silent treatment. Quite frankly this was far from intentional. For the last 6 days we have spoken maybe 4 sentences to one another. No kissing or touching. We literally avoid each others eyes. We haven't has sex in almost 3 weeks.

I feel a little free because for so long I was so unhappy about having to kiss him back, or hug him when he reached out for me, when I just wanted to walk away. Now I don't have to worry about any of that. We stay far from each other and there is no yelling. But I'm not happy that the man who was my best friend, who could make me laugh so hard it hurt, is now a stranger sleeping in our bed.

I want to be happy again.
by on Dec. 28, 2014 at 12:49 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Lindalou907
by Silver Member on Dec. 28, 2014 at 2:11 AM

Of course I'm saying "get counseling" because you don't wan't to give up the marriage without a good effort, but this sounds like a pretty awful way to live. I'm in a similar situation, we did counseling, long story short we are room mates and much happier not trying anymore. We are both dating other people, and getting along much better. BUT, our kids are adults now, and living elsewhere. Any way he'd go to parenting classes with you?

ShowMustGoOn86
by on Dec. 28, 2014 at 4:11 AM
Did you not discuss parenting styles before you had a child together? My only suggestion is parenting classes for both of you, and counseling to try and find a compromise.
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TommyAbby
by Melissa on Dec. 28, 2014 at 7:09 AM

So doing a search, you have been complaining about this man for months.. and were told to seek some therapy back in October.. 

Why don't you two take a break/breather and come back to work on things? When was the last time you took time away from each other? 

earthangel1967
by on Dec. 28, 2014 at 9:09 AM

If you don't want to go to therapy, which honestly sounds like it could be helpful... then I agree with the other ladies GREAT IDEAS that you two should at least take a parenting class together to get you both on the same page/team or if won't go to classes I HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend any of the PARENTING WITH LOVE AND LOGIC books or dvds (they have them for all ages from birth through teens and I raised 5 kids, some with special challenging needs using them and they REALLY work and take a lot of stress off at the same time.)  They sell them on amazon and all over. 

I also agree with Melissa/TommyAbby that if the both of you are not willing to do any of the above then taking a separation/break from one another to reflect on whether you two WANT to put forth effort as  TEAM (both of you not just one of you) to save your marriage or if you find that you are actually happpier and feel healthier when you are apart and perhaps decide it is better to stay that way.. is very very good advice, as far as I'm concerned. 

Good luck.

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lillybug222
by Silver Member on Dec. 28, 2014 at 9:31 AM
1 mom liked this
It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. And unfortunately, you cannot change him. He has to be willing to make changes on his own. You've done all sorts of nagging & it doesn't work, so stop. Really. Stop.

Counseling doesn't always work. DH & I had a rough patch 3.5 years ago. We went together. I went individually. I'm rather self aware & seeing a counselor individually did absolutely nothing for me. Together, it didn't help either. It took time & prayer & in our case, medical intervention.

You do need healthy boundaries, though. Order & read the book Boundaries in Marraige. It's an excellent starting point for you.
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anotherandree
by Silver Member on Dec. 28, 2014 at 9:43 AM
I was going suggest Boundaries in Marriage. Wonderful book!

Quoting lillybug222: It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. And unfortunately, you cannot change him. He has to be willing to make changes on his own. You've done all sorts of nagging & it doesn't work, so stop. Really. Stop.

Counseling doesn't always work. DH & I had a rough patch 3.5 years ago. We went together. I went individually. I'm rather self aware & seeing a counselor individually did absolutely nothing for me. Together, it didn't help either. It took time & prayer & in our case, medical intervention.

You do need healthy boundaries, though. Order & read the book Boundaries in Marraige. It's an excellent starting point for you.
ahleesha14
by Bronze Member on Dec. 28, 2014 at 2:06 PM
It sounds like you need to get out. If you do that u can be happy again.
alexsmomaubrys2
by on Dec. 29, 2014 at 12:34 PM
Parenting classes, therapy and readjustment of they way you think about him.
MomToovey
by Marianne on Dec. 29, 2014 at 4:57 PM

 I know you don't want to hear counseling, but if you're not willing to try it that's speaking a lot about how you feel about your marriage.

Counseling or not, your marriage cannot be successful if you aren't both 100% committed to it. And it doesn't sound like you are. You say you're looking for a fix, but the freedom you feel from not having to hug/kiss/talk to him says otherwise.

I do wish you luck, whatever ends up happening.

Fayanne
by Platinum Member on Dec. 29, 2014 at 6:49 PM

 since counseling is out, you have two choices 1) you find a way to fix things on your own (read books like "his needs/her needs" which you can find on Amazon, and other books along a similar subject line.. but since you are completely happy not having to do anything, then 2) pack up and go home to Mom

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