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So confussed! Doing for the kids or NO?! **Vent/Advice**

Posted by on Dec. 28, 2014 at 7:00 PM
  • 19 Replies

 OMG! I am so confussed right now I just want to take off and leave but can't ...

So I told H that I wanted a divorce. Well he agreed to it. Said he'd been thinking about it, praying about it and what not... But he said that he wanted us to stay together(or live together rather) until the kids were old enough to understand that mommy daddy don't love each other the same way anymore and can't get along, more or less.... But i'm not sure it's a good idea. Ok I think it's a shitty idea considering we can't get along to save our own souls anymore. He's been acting like an angle since we talked friday night, and I swear it just makes me feel that he's up to something. Like he either can't really get over me and doesn't want to let go or whatever or that he's trying to control me.

But honestly am I being selfish or should I stay here and live with him etc for several more years, or does leaveing moveing out on my own make more since.

I mean I thought that if mommy and daddy were happy that it was better off for the kids than living together and being miserable and angery and sad all the time.

I mean I know I've been really sad since I talked to him friday night and I feel like that's normal **like greaving a lost relationship or whatever** and I honestly feel like that if I could get out and on my feet again etc and be away from him that I get over my marriage not working out.

But the question is what should I do? Stay for however many years or stand up for myself and try to leave?

Also another question. Does it make since to anyone that a couple can live together and be just fine if they aren't married etc... but if they are married they fight like cats and dogs? This doesn't make since to me but since friday night after me and H talked we've been acting like we're not even married(going to divorced after we get money from tax time next year, gotta pay for lawyer etc...)

This whole thing the way H has been acting just makes feel nervous as hell and I'm not even sure I can trust him anymore at this point. IDK what to do...

Sorry for all the questions.... Thanks again ladies.

by on Dec. 28, 2014 at 7:00 PM
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Replies (1-10):
anotherandree
by Silver Member on Dec. 28, 2014 at 7:13 PM
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My parents "stayed together for the kids" until I was 16. Let me tell you from a kids' perspective. We KNEW they were in a loveless marriage. We KNEW they were both miserable. What I didn't realize until I got much older is that I had no idea what a real marriage looked like bc I was stuck in a house with a shitty-ass example. Once my parents split, my father was able to find happiness and it was refreshing to see. Turns out my mother wanted to stay bc she was scared if the dating scene (among other things). No matter how young your kids are THEY WILL KNOW what's going on.
Sun_Shine_990
by Member on Dec. 28, 2014 at 7:23 PM

 

Quoting anotherandree: My parents "stayed together for the kids" until I was 16. Let me tell you from a kids' perspective. We KNEW they were in a loveless marriage. We KNEW they were both miserable. What I didn't realize until I got much older is that I had no idea what a real marriage looked like bc I was stuck in a house with a shitty-ass example. Once my parents split, my father was able to find happiness and it was refreshing to see. Turns out my mother wanted to stay bc she was scared if the dating scene (among other things). No matter how young your kids are THEY WILL KNOW what's going on.

 he says he wants us to live together, get a divorceand live together for the kids sake. making it sound like he just wants to get a bigger house, but live together instead of living seperatly. is trying to make it sound like i would be able date others etc with no drama or what have you from him at all(as long as I stayed until the kids were older.) said that even if he found someone else that she'd live with us too (or that he'd want her to live with all of us too) until i found someone else.

doesen't make much since to me... the only thing i can figure is that he has other motives or can't let go and this is his way of holding on, but believe me i'm scared as hell of being on my own one day for so many different reasons, but i think its the only way i can be happy again... i just don't know what i should do...

also he says that he grew up with parents who were divorced and went between homes all the time and hated it but i'm like you wouldn't it be worse to see mommy and daddy upset , sad etc all the time... ??? idk what to do, and it makes it worse that without him i'd have nothing at all anyway... so i'm totally lost

happywifey08
by on Dec. 28, 2014 at 8:29 PM
1 mom liked this
From first hand experience, don't do it. It won't work out, and it's his way of hanging onto you longer. Just pack your bags and leave. In hind sight i wish i had.
TommyAbby
by Melissa on Dec. 28, 2014 at 8:29 PM
2 moms liked this

As a child of a home where the parents stayed for the kid's sake, DON"T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WORST mistake ever. It is horrible growing up in a home where your parents show no affection, that constant sense of underlying tension in the home, the arguments when the tension got to be too much... horrible. Ask any child and they would tell you they would rather their parent go their own ways and be happy than stick it out and be horribly miserable every single day.

And honestly.. the happiness on his part: He is finally free. He has been holding that in and waiting for you to make the first move and he is happy you both agree you need to divorce. It is probably a weight off his shoulders that for once in a long time, you both are on the same page. 

Sun_Shine_990
by Member on Dec. 28, 2014 at 8:46 PM

 

Quoting happywifey08: From first hand experience, don't do it. It won't work out, and it's his way of hanging onto you longer. Just pack your bags and leave. In hind sight i wish i had.

 yeah you are probably right and i'm going to try and talk to him again tonight if he isn't out to late and try to get him to understand why i feel the way i do. and i really want to just leave and go, but i'm scared, scared he'll try to fight me on everything harder.

idk. I mean its probably what i'm going to have to do to be totally free, even if it does have to wait til feb to file divorce papers but I am just so nervous right now... I think that if all else fails i'm just going to have to threaten him that if he won't see reason then i'll be gone the end of the week, like it or not.

is making a threat like that a bad thing? or should i just do it and not tell him i'm going to do it? doing the later just sounds eveil and wrong. i mean  i don't want to worry about being an angle or anything but couldn't doing something like that look bad on me too in the long run.(sorry, just worried about lossing my kids is all)

thanks again for advice.

ame4c
by Bronze Member on Dec. 28, 2014 at 8:49 PM
2 moms liked this
Sounds to me like he wants his cake and eat it too. Move on its more healthy for everyone.
MissMackiesgg
by on Dec. 29, 2014 at 1:25 AM
1 mom liked this

Make him leave, if you leave he gets the house and every thing in it,

Hottmomma607
by Trica on Dec. 29, 2014 at 1:43 AM
My best friend's parents did that. It was miserable their parents fought all the time. Even when I was there too. They divorced after her brother graduated. Both her and her brother are in their 40's and neither can keep a steady relationship.

Quoting TommyAbby:

As a child of a home where the parents stayed for the kid's sake, DON"T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WORST mistake ever. It is horrible growing up in a home where your parents show no affection, that constant sense of underlying tension in the home, the arguments when the tension got to be too much... horrible. Ask any child and they would tell you they would rather their parent go their own ways and be happy than stick it out and be horribly miserable every single day.

And honestly.. the happiness on his part: He is finally free. He has been holding that in and waiting for you to make the first move and he is happy you both agree you need to divorce. It is probably a weight off his shoulders that for once in a long time, you both are on the same page. 

ranchmama21
by on Dec. 29, 2014 at 3:15 AM

The cons of staying outweights the pros.

Con:  Children know and sense when two people are not happy. A friend in high school celebrated when her parents announced their final divorce. Her senior year was so nice for her in her home life because she doesn't have to feel or deal with the tension in the house (even though her parents put on a fake smile).

Dating: How will you explain to your child you both are seeing someone else...are you able to go on 10+ years with out adult time with someone else? (unsure of your children ages)

responsibility: Financial and asset wise.

Best to go seperate ways. Encourage counseling and look into youth counseling as part of the divorce agreement.

UCFknight
by Brenda on Dec. 29, 2014 at 8:37 AM

Oh dear. This seems so detrimental to your kids lives. I don't see how in the world this could ever work out. You probably weren't expecting him to suggest something like that. In all sincerity, I would sit down again with him, and let him know that plan has nothing but pain and heartache, not just for you two, but for the kids as well. 

Its too confusing, and too much trouble for all parties involved.

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