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Posted by on Feb. 18, 2015 at 4:35 PM
  • 15 Replies

I have posted on here in the past about asking advice on how to help work on our marriage or whether or not we should just get a divorce, last night we had a serious arguement and I have had enough, I can't deal with his rudeness, his not willing to help me in the house or with the kids, I work full time as well!  My lil guy got sick last night and threw up in the bathroom and he was an ass to me about how good I cleaned it up.  I cleaned the mess up but had intentions of thoroughly cleaning everything after everyone went to bed and he completely was an ass about it and the man never gets enough sex, cripes, I could give it to him 10x day and I don't think it would be enough.  I just can't do it anymore, now, I don't know how to tell him that I want a divorce, if he can't be civil in our marriage how is he going to do it when we separate?  I don't want my kids to be subject to nastiness!!!  Please help!! 

by on Feb. 18, 2015 at 4:35 PM
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by Bronze Member on Feb. 18, 2015 at 5:29 PM
He won't be civil after divorce either. Just flat out tell him. Have a plan on how you are going to separate. Like are you and kids staying in the house that type of thing. This way he knows your serious when you tell him. Don't tell him in anger either. He's going to get defensive no matter what you do but if you don't add anger to the pot it won't be as bad.

Good Luck!
by Brenda on Feb. 18, 2015 at 6:55 PM

I agree with ame4c. It's not going to be a civil separation, especially with how he is behaving now. all you can do is tell him, and then File and begin the process. Definitely have your exit plan in place. Sorry it has come to this though.

by Member on Feb. 18, 2015 at 7:04 PM
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Divorce is hard no matter what. I know when I got a divorce I wanted it to be as easy as possible. And I wanted us to be civil about it and for both of us to make it easy on our kids. At least as easy as it could be.

   It didn't work out that way at all though.

 So with that said honestly I don't think there is a way without it being nasty. Not unless he is completely wanting it too and you guys can agree on everything. That's not impossible I'm sure just very rare.

     So I guess I would say bring it up with him and see what happens. 

by Silver Member on Feb. 18, 2015 at 11:36 PM

yeah I am kind of in that spot as well.  Even when I do try, what the point if he doesnt?  I just dont like who we are as a couple anymore.  We cannot even get along for 20 minutes lately.  Im just ready to give up!

by on Feb. 18, 2015 at 11:41 PM

I'm sorry hugs.

I agree with the others, just matter of factly tell him. Plus the kids are hearing and seeing nastiness even while you are married anyway, unfortunately. At least it will be less when you two are no longer together. Good luck

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by Platinum Member on Feb. 19, 2015 at 5:18 AM

 Have you truly given it your best shot? counseling?

if so, move on. If not, intensive counseling may be better than divorce. You loved him at one point, no?  Divorce is nasty and he'll still be in your life as the father of your children, you'll be doing a lot on your own, and likely with a lot less money, and being a single parent is no picnic.

if you are hell bent on divorce, get your financial documents together, copies of all income, retirement, insurance,investment, mortgage accouts, etc, as well as a list of other assets, debts, and bills. Squirrel away some money for yourself, then hire a lawyer and file. After that's done, you just tell him matter-of-factly "By the way,  I filed for divorce yesterday. You'll be served your papers within the next 3 days.." or some such thing.

My SO was actually told in a text message his ex had filed. A text message! Guy he used to work with came home from a work trip to find exactly half of everything gone from their apartment.

good luck

by Member on Feb. 19, 2015 at 5:42 AM
If he's verbally abusive, take the kids and go to a women's shelter. They will report to DYFS or CPS that you took the kids because you fear his verbal and emotional abuse will hurt you or the children. Then you can stay there while you work, etc and pursue the divorce. They and your lawyer will give you legal advice on how to proceed more safely and within the law. You might even get some public assistance for housing or daycare and so on.

Be very careful. If you are afraid he will become extremely agitated verbally or escalate to physical violence, the secretly gather clothing, toys, money, and vital records like car titles , house deeds, birth certificates, marriage certificates, bank statements, etc etc- all you need to be on your own & file for divorce - and take it with you. Remember to take medications.

Take the kids to daycare one day and just go to the shelter instead after calling ahead. He won't have access to you or the kids until things are legally figured out and they will already be clued in that he is abusive.

You may need to change their daycare.

Good luck! I'd get out because he really does sound abusive. He might have a sex addiction. Addicts are often verbally abusive.

Maybe after you take off & lay down the law , he'll agree to marriage therapy, but with an abusive man who may also be an addict that's a long long road.
by on Feb. 19, 2015 at 9:19 AM
Move out when he's not home. Go to a relative or a friend's. Then have him served with papers.You won't have to see him until your court date.Don't call or text or email him and block him. Your kids are already subjected to his nastiness. In the meantime, record everything.
by on Feb. 19, 2015 at 10:16 AM
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I guess I keep hoping that he will turn around and a light will come on that he wants to be a better dad/husband than what his dad was, and I do believe that he is, but he goes about things way wrong.  I wouldn't say that he is abusive (physically) as he has never hurt me or the kids, he does have a way that is not so nice with words that hurt really bad which is just as bad as physical abuse in my eyes.  I can honestly say that I have tried everything to make this marriage work, I have given up so many things for him to try and work on this and he won't, he says he does, but he hasn't given up the things that are needed to be successful with this.  I'm still working on my exit strategy with this, any other information will still be helpful!  I'm looking for a house to rent to start with, hopefully somewhere near the kids school so it will be easier for them as well.  I appreciate all of the advice thus far. :(

by on Feb. 19, 2015 at 10:20 AM

Talk to a lawyer before you do anything. 

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