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Need some insight on other married couples relationships

Posted by on Feb. 27, 2015 at 8:00 AM
  • 22 Replies
We have been together almost 14 yrs but only married 4 yrs. Our kids are 4, 6 & 8. I currently am considered a stay at home mom, however I am employed an work maybe 1 day a mth. My dh is the head of hse with the full time 50+ hr work week. My youngest is not in school yet so he's home with me all day.
Now into why I need some insight..
I know my marriage is not perfect nor what I dreamed of as a young child, but this is life. I love my dh dearly but what he chooses to fight over an blames/accuses me of I don't understand at all. He feels our marriage relationship is 'crap' an he should just get a cot an stay at work. This I don't understand! I ask why or what I do to make him feel like that he says I'm in the kitchen all evening, I wait till he's getting home to do anything, an we most always lay an cuddle on the couch an watch tv after dinner. But he says I lay there till he's asleep then I'm up on my cell all night, and I always fall asleep b4 him when we do go to bed. I don't understand at all..this is not how it always happens! Yes I am in the kitchen when he gets home at 4:30 but I'm working on dinner, getting the table set. I try to have dinner done about 5. After dinner is done I clean up put it all away. I don't wash dishes till the next morning, because he has had an issue with that in the past. He sits in the living room on his cell while I'm in the kitchen. After dinner is cleaned up I'm free till snack/bedtime for kids. I'm in the living room with him we talk a bit..I talk a bit with no response..then about 7ish we lay on the couch together. He is usually not awake very long at all. We get up at 3:30 for work. I lay with him all evening except when it's time for kids snack an bedtime, then I lay with him again. I don't get how he can say what's goin on when he's sleeping! Another issue he has of course is the sex/intimacy, he feels every few days is not enough. Sometimes is more often be average is 3 x weekly...I could increase those numbers but why should I if this is how he feels..? He is not romantic at all an hardly ever initiates anything.
I'm sorry it's kinda long maybe confusing but anything you guys could offer up would be great! I seriously think I'm goin crazy here as we are in this together but have two different stories as to what's goin on.
by on Feb. 27, 2015 at 8:00 AM
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Replies (1-10):
butzi
by on Feb. 27, 2015 at 9:57 AM

It sounds like you could benefit from an independent 3rd party helping the both of you communicate and articulate your needs. A counselor would allow both of you to voice your concerns, and would help keep things from getting judgy and defensive. From the outside it is easy to see that there are things that both of you could do differently to make sure the others needs are being met. I think that a counselor would be able to help you both see them.

alexsmomaubrys2
by on Feb. 27, 2015 at 10:01 AM
Marriage counseling
wikdstepmom
by on Feb. 27, 2015 at 10:16 AM

I wonder if you would both benefit from some activities after dinner. Something you both enjoy and if you want the kids to participate, something that's suitable for them too. Take a walk, a bike ride, play cards, do something that will make everyone feel connected and include some laughter and fun. It sounds like he's frustrated and feels like your relationship is stuck in a rut. You could ask him what his ideal evening would look like to see exactly where he's coming from.

Serenity7
by on Feb. 27, 2015 at 10:28 AM

((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))

pudinangel
by Member on Feb. 27, 2015 at 10:34 AM
Counseling isn't an option..I've tried that
I've asked him about the evening what he would like to do or what could we do differently. All I get is that he just 'wants to relax he has to get up at 3:30 for work'
veggiemom474
by Member on Feb. 27, 2015 at 10:45 AM

This is totally fixable.

Would he do counseling? I think you just need a mediator to help you two communicate.It sounds to me like he "wants" but doesn't want to give. A woman needs a little prepping, and once she gets that attention, he can get twice as much in return.

You two just need some spark again. Some good communication about what you both need, and a plan of action.  He also needs to realize HE IS part of this problem.

veggiemom474
by Member on Feb. 27, 2015 at 10:48 AM

I just saw you said he refuses counseling. Well then, he"ll never fill this void he feels he has if he's not willing to take part in the process.

UCFknight
by Brenda on Feb. 27, 2015 at 11:00 AM
1 mom liked this

Since counseling isn't an option. I definitely like these ideas! Maybe even schedule a date night every other week so you guys can get out of the same ol' same ol' routine. He is awesome at complaining, but does he have any solutions? He is part of the problem, so he should work to be part of the solution.

Quoting wikdstepmom:

I wonder if you would both benefit from some activities after dinner. Something you both enjoy and if you want the kids to participate, something that's suitable for them too. Take a walk, a bike ride, play cards, do something that will make everyone feel connected and include some laughter and fun. It sounds like he's frustrated and feels like your relationship is stuck in a rut. You could ask him what his ideal evening would look like to see exactly where he's coming from.


pudinangel
by Member on Feb. 27, 2015 at 11:51 AM
We do have date nite just him an I once a mth. And on weekends we always do something as a family.
No he is good at complaining but never gives me any solutions or even ideas.
teensrmyworld
by on Feb. 27, 2015 at 12:08 PM

Your husband is a very controlling man, you need counseling.  This is not a healthy relationship at all as you do not seem to either have much of a voice or a say on what your needs are.  I would not tolerate anybody saying that my relationship was "crap" and nor should you.  If he won't go to counseling, go yourself.  You need a stronger voice in this situation and I can tell you without hesitation that I would not tolerate this at all, not for one day.  The best thing you can do is to find yourself and when you do, you will respect yourself enough to know that this is not OK and quite possibly with your new found respect for self, he will see it too and stop badgering you.

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