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Being treated like a roommate and not a wife

Posted by on Mar. 4, 2015 at 11:29 PM
  • 21 Replies
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Does any other wife out there know or feel like she is being treated like she is an annoying roommate instead of a wife your husband adores? I sure do and everyone who knows us can see it. We have three kids and have been married 9.5 years and together for 13.5 years. That's a long time for sure so of course I expect not to be treated like I used to for the first several years , but this is just depressing and I feel like I'm wasting some of what's supposed to be the best years Of my life!! I'm 31 hes 32 we've been together since I was 17 and him 19!!!!! Tha first 10 years of our relationship and 7 years of our marriage were amazing like out of a story book novel. Now He tells me that he doesn't find me as attractive because I need to lose weight (excuse me if I'm not 107 lbs anymore like I was for the first several years of our marriage . Having 3 chikdren and the third one by c section is tough on a women's body. Not to mention I've suffered from depression for the past 6 years or so which I had never before experienced in my life until then. The past two years have gotten worse before they got a little better . I started having anxiety and lots of stress on top of the depression and started gaining weight (like 50 lbs) I turned to sweet sugary fooda a lot of times to satisfy an insatiable craving of probably the sweetness im missing in my marriage . He has told me that he is no longer in love with me and doesn't know how those feelings could ever return , he had even started talking a little to personally to a women more like girl , at his work a year ago until I found out and buy a stop to that real fast. He is so stubborn and doesn't communicate anything with me and when I comminicate with him he just tells me how annoying I am and how I talk to much and so on. I constantly need to vent since I can't do so to him without him walking away telling me to shut up basically . I need to know I'm not the only wife/mother that is going through this , because I sure feel like I am . Theres a lot more to this story than I can write here but if someone can relate and woikd like to message back and forth with me I'd love to fill u in more and listen to your story.
by on Mar. 4, 2015 at 11:29 PM
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Replies (1-10):
MixedCooke
by Silver Member on Mar. 5, 2015 at 1:02 AM
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I could have written this

shadow_lark
by Silver Member on Mar. 5, 2015 at 1:33 AM
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Stop using depression as a crutch. That's number one for me. You can learn to get past it, you just have to make the choice to do so.

And maybe I'm just a cranky biotch tonight, but it seems to me like you are just as much to blame for the problems as he is. Your dh does some crappy things, but has it ever occurred to you that he's sick of living with someone who doesn't care for themselves and needs to vent constantly?

He shouldn't be reaching out to other women, nor should he be responding to you in anger and disrespect. But do you do the same to him? What is your attitude when you approach him with an issue? Typically you get what you give in a relationship and in an interaction.
Lindalou907
by Silver Member on Mar. 5, 2015 at 2:09 AM
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Couples counseling would help, if he won't go then you go anyway because they can help give you some strategies for changing things. Are you taking something for your depression? It's important, your kids need a happier mommy. I just don't buy any junk food, so that helps me stay out of it! 50 lbs is a lot but you CAN lose it, a couple of pounds a week. Hugs mama!

Fayanne
by Platinum Member on Mar. 5, 2015 at 5:30 AM

 I'm not making excuses for him, but I'm not going to condone your excuses, either.

Get the depression under control. Find out why you are making unhealthy eating choices, lose the weight.

Men are success driven, and part of their success wiring is linked to how well the woman takes care of herself for her man. You don't have to be 107... you just need to put the effort in. 

Men usually aren't "talkers".... they don't think or process the same way we do. Expecting him to interact with you like he's your best girl buddy is an inappropriate expectation.

Be positive. Be supportive. Be respectful. Understand what he needs, too. My guess is, if we asked him, he'd come up with a list of ways you've let him down, too.

 Unless you married a complete asshole, it takes two to get in this situation.

 

AshleyMommy4811
by New Member on Mar. 5, 2015 at 7:26 AM
All very good advice and very similar to what my therapist has been saying . I know I am very much to blame for a lot of the way his actions are toward me. I have had the depression under control as soon as it started of course there were a few occasions for a few months it came back full on but it was fixed by switching to a different medicine . I now recognize when I notice feeling consistently sad and unmotivated that my current medicine is no longer working . I take 3 Meds in a regular basis and that's it, that's 3 to many for my hubby though. He doesn't like that I need to rely on any medicine at all but I've tried todo without out it and it was not pretty , it was like the life was sucked out of me as if I was on auto pilot . Sure I wax Alive but not living . You would have to witness' our everyday action and words to each other to realize that he's pretty much just an a hole unfortunately. He treats our oldest daughter the same way he does me besides saying he doesn't love her and he never verbally abuses her , but he does emotionally abuse us. My counselor pointed that one out to me. I approach issues big or small bad and good with as much calmness anx respect I would give to my parents or his parents . We never raised our voices at each other or had a real argument until we were 11 years invested with each other . That is what ultimately got us to this point now. I am guilty for talking to much when I'm excited or passionate about something and he has said that is the main thing that annoys him that he can't stand anymore. I've been cutting the chit chat way down for his sake anx it helps although there are many times we haven't spoken all day and I wait until he unwinds for a good half hour now before I say more than hi how was your day ? As soon as I soeak a couple sentences for the first time to him that day he's akresdy rolling his eyes and telling me to be quiet. He's the one that is so disrespectful and has a titanium heart and lacks empathy. In the entire 13 years he only said im sorry maybe 4,or 5 times and thank you probably 15-20 times. In 13 years. The weight gain and the lack of me dolling up like I used to do everyday has been on the back burner for no more than the past two years and it happened when our marriage first went into crisis . I have recently taken a honest to goodness interest in my healthy and well being though so I feel like I'm going to be doing my part and I lnkw I won't vent as much or be so sensitive once i feel good about myself again. I started buying tons of produce and even some gluten free and hormone antibiotic free mestsc and milk and herbal here teas and I started making nutri blast shakes for me to drink with my nutri bullet I got for Christmas and I love it and swear by it and have been having fun experimenting with good nutrition. He has definately noticed I've been trying to get on the health track again so that's good . Little steps is what I'm taking one thing to change at a time and get good at /in the habit of doing whatever it is I've changed for the positive before I move on to the next thing . When I started finally seeking help through a counselor I also went to get evaluated by a psychologist to rule out bipolar and thankfully that wasn't the problem . However , they did text for adhd and it turned i have that . That explains so much if why I irritate the heck out my hubby and my own self at times. My mind literally is going 100 miles of min and I end up takkinf to much bouncing around from one task to another without ever finishing previous tasks etc. Basically every symptom of adhd is what drives my husband mad literally. I am still on my 4th month of trying to find the "right" med to take to help me get some of the symptoms under control . I truly believe our okdest daughter also has ADHD which would explain why he also treats her as crappy as me. I will continue on my journey of physical health as well as emotional and mental.
AshleyMommy4811
by New Member on Mar. 5, 2015 at 7:41 AM
I'm sorry you are in a similar position I would love to talk with you and see what sort if things are going on in your relationship and maybe we will ultimately come up with some advice and/or solutions for each other . It could be that our hubbies are going through some of the same or very similar things as one another which could then explain moods , and things they say /the way they say them. the same goes for you and I also. Maybe have some thinge common that we can pin point and realize that maybe their are things that we can do differently and see if that helps Us out at all :)

Quoting MixedCooke:

I could have written this

UCFknight
by Brenda on Mar. 5, 2015 at 9:14 AM
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I'm glad you are in counseling, and working on your inner as well as your outer self. Do you guys go through couples counseling as well? I don't understand why he gets so irritated with you so quickly. Eye rolling is a pet peve of mine, my kids don't even do that! It's a sign of disrespect. I'm sorry you are going through all this, but I hope you guys seek some mediation, to come to the root of why he is so rude to you.

it also seems like nothing you do makes him happy. You get help, work to get in shape, get the right medications, and he is still frustrated with you...honestly sounds like he is the problem, not you! You're doing your part, but what is he doing to make your marriage better!

Pukity
by Member on Mar. 5, 2015 at 10:51 AM
1 mom liked this

I´m sorry you are going thru that after so many years of marriage. All I can adviceyou is that is not fair he´s telling you that you are not physically attractive, love shouldn´t be base on physical appearance. and nobody should accept being treated like that, you deserve something better.

(((HUGS))

Lynell74
by New Member on Mar. 5, 2015 at 11:40 AM
1 mom liked this
No your not the only one but my husband looks like a cow now so he better not say a damn think about the 10 pounds ive put on. I dare him! Good luck sweety. Men can be heartless!!
jamamama00
by on Mar. 5, 2015 at 11:54 AM
1 mom liked this
You can't stop making yourself desirable and expect someone to feel the same about you. That doesn't make his actions okay but you are both to blame.
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