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The side effects of weightloss...

Posted by on Mar. 22, 2016 at 11:49 AM
  • 17 Replies

In summary, I feel that my weight loss is putting a strain on my marriage. Below is an explanation, but I essentially would like to hear experiences from those who may have been in a position of jealousy because their partner's body transformed or if you've been a "victim of jealousy" for this reason. I put that in quotes because I don't really know what else to call it. Please offer any insight you may have with this!

 The good news is I've lost 16 lbs since February 1st. DH and I started one of the Beachbody programs that day in effort to get beach-ready for a July vacation. This will be our first trip since my son was born March 2015. My husband always struggled to lose weight in time for beach vacations in the past so I figured I'd invite him to try it with me from an accountability standpoint.

Firstly, my husband quit working out 14 days into the 21 day program. He continued eating healthy, properly portioned meals and managed to lose 16 lbs in just 21 days. I lost 10 lbs and 10 inches overall in that same time. After a week-long break, I asked if he'd like to start up again on February 29th. He agreed to continue eating healthy, but would not work out. I didn't ask him why because he's an adult and I refuse to drag out a conversation only to make him feel pressured into doing something he's not motivated to do.

We both failed to be as strict on our diet this month, but I still managed to lose 6 lbs and 5.5 inches overall. I was snacking at our son's birthday parties while my husband cheated a bit more than that.

As the three weeks progressed, I found him laying around more often and not picking up after himself. It's been years since I've had to remind him to put dishes in the empty dishwasher or not leave his dirty socks in the living room. He's spending less one-on-one time with our toddler who wants nothing more than to run around outdoors or go on a stroll.

In essence, it seems like he's depressed, but he's also insulted my cooking and asked for sex. My husband has never askedfor us to be intimate even when it had been months because I was so uncomfortable with my pregnant body. He's also commented that I'm "losing nearly 20 pounds and he looks like an asshole because he's not." It seems more like jealousy based on that last tidbit. I'm likely not the only wife who feels she cannot make a suggestion of therapy or counseling. Mentioning it would anger him. He's dealt with yo-yo dieting and extreme weight gain throughout his life so I know he'd benefit from speaking with someone.

Can any of you offer me some insight or personal experience from his point of view? I'm at a loss and don't want to play the victim, but it was already tiring to fit a workout and meal planning in. Picking up after him is making me resent my own weight loss and making me think he's keeping me busy so I don't have time to work on myself. That's just too crazy!

by on Mar. 22, 2016 at 11:49 AM
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Replies (1-10):
soymujer
by Silver Member on Mar. 22, 2016 at 1:14 PM

I don't know what to say.  I've worked hard to lose 23 lbs and still have 7 to go before I hit my goal weight.  My husband's problem is that he knows he needs to lose weight and isn't motivated to work out and has a hard time changing his diet.  No matter if I encourage him or just leave him alone, he gets mad at me.

MomToovey
by Marianne on Mar. 22, 2016 at 3:32 PM

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice for you, but here's a bump. Good luck!

combatlibby
by on Mar. 22, 2016 at 3:51 PM
Yes, my husband just withdraws with the more weight I lose. There's been a huge jump in his screen time, which leads me to believe he's trying to escape the situation. I decided to just focus on myself, but with him neglecting household duties he normally does, it really pulls my focus away. It just doesn't seem fair considering I'm working for what I want while he lounges and creates more household work for me to do. Ugh!

Quoting soymujer:

I don't know what to say.  I've worked hard to lose 23 lbs and still have 7 to go before I hit my goal weight.  My husband's problem is that he knows he needs to lose weight and isn't motivated to work out and has a hard time changing his diet.  No matter if I encourage him or just leave him alone, he gets mad at me.

combatlibby
by on Mar. 22, 2016 at 3:51 PM
Also, that's a great weightloss accomplishment. Great work!

Quoting soymujer:

I don't know what to say.  I've worked hard to lose 23 lbs and still have 7 to go before I hit my goal weight.  My husband's problem is that he knows he needs to lose weight and isn't motivated to work out and has a hard time changing his diet.  No matter if I encourage him or just leave him alone, he gets mad at me.

Fayanne
by Platinum Member on Mar. 22, 2016 at 9:17 PM

Men don't like to partake in something they don't think they'll be successful at.. they stick to success oriented activities. Your weightloss is a reminder he isn't being successful.  I'm also guessing he uses food to fill a void created by something. Sex? Men 'need' sex to feel loved, and he needs to know you still love him.

If he's at an unhealthy weight, you can ask him to make changes because you love him, not because you want to change him. You want him to be around for a long time, that's important to you. Perhaps deep down, he's afraid he'll lose you, because you'll be attracting attention from other guys?

Counseling is probably a good idea, and you can't not ask him to go, because you think he won't go. Some men just need to be hit over the head with a '2 x 4' of information before they 'get' it.

good luck

SlightlyPerfect
by on Mar. 23, 2016 at 8:20 AM
I see everyone here talking about motivation.

This has nothing to do with motivation. It's about discipline. Motivation is whim-driven and fluctuates based on arbitrary things like mood or circumstance. "I know I said I'd work out at 9, but I just don't feel motivated enough to do it." Discipline is what he needs. It's based on time and space. "I said I'll work out at 9. It's 9. Time to work out." And no one can give it to him but him. It's his choice.

You keep doing what you're doing and let him do what he's doing. I know you wanna get him going, but you cannot be a substitute for his self-discipline.
jewels.unicorn
by Member on Mar. 23, 2016 at 12:06 PM

Dh needs to lose 100lbs. I should lose at least 40, if I could swing 60 it'd be a miracle. He's lazy and it has rubbed off on me big time. I used to hit the gym 4x a week before I met him. After kids though, the gym was a far off fantasy, his rich cooking and meal wants overtook any of my attempts to keep healthy and we both gained a lot of weight over the last 19 yrs we've been together.

I bought him an indoor bike trainer for Christmas this year. I saved up for it, he'd been wanting one for awhile - figuring he'd get on his bike in the privacy of our bedroom and ride in peace. Well, it's almost April and he's been on the bike once and that was just to test the stability of it. It took him a month to finally put it together and then another month before he  sat on it. I since then moved it because it was in the way and in doing so, I took the bike off the stand. He's now telling me that it's "my fault" (but not literally) that it's apart and that's why he's not using it because it's too easy to be lazy and not feel like having to put it back together again. It literally takes about a minute to hook the bike on at the most. He's just that not into it.

His diet alone is something else, he goes for pop & chips whenever he wants a snack, no matter how many fresh fruits & veggies I have in the kitchen.

I keep wanting to work out and lose the weight, I sit at a desk all day and I've gained weight since I started this job. His job is more active half the time, yet the other half he's driving, which makes it ten times easier to grab quick takeout meals. And he goes for the easy every time.

Every time I bring up his weight, esp. when he complains none of his shirts fit or something like that, he gets upset and angry that it's my fault I'm not providing healhier meals for him every day. We both work outside the house full time and he's a 10 times better cook than me, but it's always up to me to make the dinners. And I opt for easy quick meals because we have 4 kids who are all picky and happily survive on the quick & easy :(

It's never an easy battle, we've challenged each other and so far I seem to have much better will power than him. I've cut out the pop consumption, he's still drinking 3-4 pops a day and won't drink water because it's boring! I'm upping my water intake every day and feeling better, but getting dragged down by his sluggishness each step forward I take.

You have to do what's best for you, he's either going to jump up and join you or sit there like a sourpuss and you'll just have to let him have his little hissy fit about his own will power and dedication to his health :( Mine's still in hissy fit mode.

TriggerQueen
by Member on Mar. 23, 2016 at 12:14 PM

STOP. You're not his mother and he's acting like a prick because he's being a pansy and he knows it. Tell him you're working on you and you're proud of that. Don't make yourself smaller(figuratively) to make him feel better, don't do that for anyone. He is a grown ass man who needs to get his ass to the gym and do some work on himself so he can feel like a man.

combatlibby
by on Mar. 24, 2016 at 7:41 AM
Thank you for this! I completely agree in regards to self discipline. His background is riddled with a lack of it and I've exhausted myself in the past trying to help him. Since our son was born, I don't have time to mother an adult and a toddler. His own mother is generally the one who tempts him to fall off a steady regiment, but he's really the one to blame because he can't say "no" or eat beforehand when we're due to attend a family function with her. Last night, we were invited over for pizza so I fed myself and our son beforehand. He can't eat such acidic food anyhow. We still say at the table and conversed so it wasn't weird (for me).

Thanks for the reassurance!


Quoting SlightlyPerfect: I see everyone here talking about motivation.

This has nothing to do with motivation. It's about discipline. Motivation is whim-driven and fluctuates based on arbitrary things like mood or circumstance. "I know I said I'd work out at 9, but I just don't feel motivated enough to do it." Discipline is what he needs. It's based on time and space. "I said I'll work out at 9. It's 9. Time to work out." And no one can give it to him but him. It's his choice.

You keep doing what you're doing and let him do what he's doing. I know you wanna get him going, but you cannot be a substitute for his self-discipline.
combatlibby
by on Mar. 24, 2016 at 7:45 AM
Nice to see I'm not alone, but I'm sorry he's still in hissy fit mode! It's definitely the most annoying part because I'm in such a high and he's just moping around. I wish he'd at least talk with me about it rather than pout. Instead, he's glued to the television.

Quoting jewels.unicorn:

Dh needs to lose 100lbs. I should lose at least 40, if I could swing 60 it'd be a miracle. He's lazy and it has rubbed off on me big time. I used to hit the gym 4x a week before I met him. After kids though, the gym was a far off fantasy, his rich cooking and meal wants overtook any of my attempts to keep healthy and we both gained a lot of weight over the last 19 yrs we've been together.

I bought him an indoor bike trainer for Christmas this year. I saved up for it, he'd been wanting one for awhile - figuring he'd get on his bike in the privacy of our bedroom and ride in peace. Well, it's almost April and he's been on the bike once and that was just to test the stability of it. It took him a month to finally put it together and then another month before he  sat on it. I since then moved it because it was in the way and in doing so, I took the bike off the stand. He's now telling me that it's "my fault" (but not literally) that it's apart and that's why he's not using it because it's too easy to be lazy and not feel like having to put it back together again. It literally takes about a minute to hook the bike on at the most. He's just that not into it.

His diet alone is something else, he goes for pop & chips whenever he wants a snack, no matter how many fresh fruits & veggies I have in the kitchen.

I keep wanting to work out and lose the weight, I sit at a desk all day and I've gained weight since I started this job. His job is more active half the time, yet the other half he's driving, which makes it ten times easier to grab quick takeout meals. And he goes for the easy every time.

Every time I bring up his weight, esp. when he complains none of his shirts fit or something like that, he gets upset and angry that it's my fault I'm not providing healhier meals for him every day. We both work outside the house full time and he's a 10 times better cook than me, but it's always up to me to make the dinners. And I opt for easy quick meals because we have 4 kids who are all picky and happily survive on the quick & easy :(

It's never an easy battle, we've challenged each other and so far I seem to have much better will power than him. I've cut out the pop consumption, he's still drinking 3-4 pops a day and won't drink water because it's boring! I'm upping my water intake every day and feeling better, but getting dragged down by his sluggishness each step forward I take.

You have to do what's best for you, he's either going to jump up and join you or sit there like a sourpuss and you'll just have to let him have his little hissy fit about his own will power and dedication to his health :( Mine's still in hissy fit mode.

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