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Need marriage advice

Posted by on Aug. 4, 2016 at 5:46 PM
  • 43 Replies
I just joined this group. I am really hoping for some feedback as I don't really have anyone besides family members to talk to.
Me and my husband have been together for 4 years and married for almost 3. We have a one year old child together and a 6 year old step son. (His child from another relationship.)
We've had it pretty rough from the start but we have had our good times. We have continued to work on our relationship and try to make improvements.
I've the past 2 months through conversation it has been learned that he was talking with a girl on Facebook. At the time that I saw that I asked him who it was and he spun a lot of lies before admitting he was talking with a girl ( someone he went to school with) because he needed someone to talk to and couldn't talk with me because in his words I was being a "mega bitch." I don't know what him and this girl talked about but he deleted her as a friend off his Facebook (or so he said but I found out otherwise) and he deleted the messages (which I never read.) we never talked about it after that. When I brought up the girl and asked questions he got mad and never wanted to talk about it so it just went on unresolved.
About a month and a half after that we were arguing and he told me that for the past 2 years he has been receiving naked pictures from his best friend of his wife. He never told me ( we have hung out with them countless times and they have stayed at our house a few times. ) he never asked his friend to stop or anything. After hours of talking he told me that he enjoyed looking at her and seeing a naked body. One of these years was during the time I was pregnant with my first child. I was very livid when I found this out and called and talked with his best friend as well (after I had calmed down).
Over the past two weeks I have found out that he has been looking at porn daily for hours and this has been something that we have discussed but that is the least of my problems it is more so the types of sites he is looking at.
I also have found out that he has multiple Facebook accounts and the passwords from them are different from the passwords he usually uses so I believe there are a lot of secrets there.
We are both responsible for where we are and I get that I understand this is only one side of the story.
I am just trying to do what is best for my child. To be happy and in a safe and loving environment. We are currently not speaking and not living in the same place for a couple weeks now but are sharing time with the child equally.
You can not have a good relationship with no trust or communication. It has been a long hard road but hoping that soon we will get some answers. I am very much open to talking and trying to figure out what we want compromising ect but he doesn't want to talk. So I am waiting on him to figure out what the plan with our marriage is. I have suggested counseling and am still waiting on a response.
I am just looking for helpful feedback. If you made it this far thank you for reading.
by on Aug. 4, 2016 at 5:46 PM
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by Bronze Member on Aug. 4, 2016 at 5:47 PM
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That would be the end for me.  I'm sorry you're going through that.  

by Member on Aug. 4, 2016 at 5:51 PM
1 mom liked this
I get that. Thank you for your response. Yes it it a very hard road and I never thought I would be here. It's very hard for me to trust people and I talked with him about that for a long time he understood but he broke that and I feel stupid for trusting him as long as I did. I thought I had good judge of character. Good self worth and confidence. But now that I am here I am so scared of making the wrong choice, for my child. I wanted him to have both parents in his life actively as a family unit. I didn't have that so it was very important to me that I give that to m child.
I still need time to process things. But there was a time that I to would have been done, but when it comes down to it I guess it's not that easy when you have others to think of before yourself.
by Member on Aug. 4, 2016 at 5:53 PM
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Why on God's green earth are you waiting FOR HIM to figure out what the plan with your marriage is. 

You need to decide what you want to do for yourself and your child. If YOU want to try counseling then do it if not then run do not walk away. 

He sounds like a serial cheater and not sure why you would want to be around him any way, but to say you are waiting for him to decide the state of your marriage is NUTS.

by Member on Aug. 4, 2016 at 6:06 PM
I guess it came out not a fully formed thohght. I am not waiting for him to make a decision for the both of us. But to me with in being married we need to make the decision to stay and work things out or end our marriage together. I've asked several times and his response is he wants a loving happy family household with us all. But he makes no efforts to talk other than yell and blame me. Hence why we are just not talking right now and taking space. But I know I can't wait forever if he won't commit to a decision.
I am trying to do what is best for my child by trying to work things out and making sure before they end that all areas have been tried and exhausted.
by Member on Aug. 4, 2016 at 6:10 PM
I wouldn't be waiting for anything. Him not communicating with you is his answer the marriage is over.
It sounds like the two of you were not stable enough to be married in the first place.
by Member on Aug. 4, 2016 at 6:44 PM
3 moms liked this
If I were you, I would need answers. I would go out with him, in a restaurant and suggest a friendly, open conversation, in the sake of the child and the good memories.
I would ask what made him do those things? What in my behavior could have prevented it, how does he think that I feel and how would he feel if he were me. I would listen, without interrupting him, ask what questions he has for me then go home and think what to do next...
An important thing would be for me to know if he would feel guilty or not.
Those are not good things that he has done, but before you make a decision how to proceed further, I would advise you to make sure you get all of the information you need and want...
by Member on Aug. 4, 2016 at 7:07 PM
Yes I do want information and I do intend at some point to talk to him openly about what I have found. I am just waiting for the right time and still figuring out what to say.
by Bronze Member on Aug. 4, 2016 at 10:43 PM
Trust and communication are big issues just as you said. You also need two to tango and it looks like only one of you is working on saving the marriage. I would tell him either he goes to counseling or he has to move out. You can't let him control you
by on Aug. 5, 2016 at 1:29 AM

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time in your marriage, and it's good that you've decided to speak openly and discuss your issues with your husband? He may open up and tell you what's going on. I just said a prayer and I hope things get better for you soon. Sending love and hugs your way!

by New Member on Aug. 5, 2016 at 2:17 AM

I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles, mommy. My heart just ached as I read your posts, and wish I could give you a hug. It's pretty obvious that you want to have a good marriage and happy family. It's good that you suggested counseling. I just said a prayer for you and I hope that God will provide the wisdom and help you need at this time. Hugs & prayers!

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