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Psychology of Affairs

Posted by on Aug. 18, 2016 at 11:56 AM
  • 33 Replies

I'm in a pretty crappy situation right now. My husband confessed to having an affair with another woman over the past few years and their baby just turned 1 this month. I only know about the affair because my husband told me on his own accord. I'd be living oblivious to it still if he didn't say anything. To keep it short, we're working on our marriage and I have chosen not to divorce and, in all honesty, things are going really well not to confuse that with me not having my guard up now. 

My primary issue is the other woman and trying to understand her perspective of all of this. I have shown her nothing but kindness and compassion but she makes up lies about me and threatens me. Basically, I feel like I am the one who is being treated as if I slept with her husband instead of the other way around. Why? Why is she treating me this way rather than trying to get along at least for the sake of her child? Maybe someone else who's been through this can give me some insight.


Thanks!

Cynthia

by on Aug. 18, 2016 at 11:56 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Serenity7
by Platinum Member on Aug. 18, 2016 at 1:08 PM
1 mom liked this

Why do you care about the other woman? Maybe she is treating you like crap cause she wants your husband. Why do you want to have anything to do with the other woman. Since your husband has a child with her. That must be hard on you. If you keep wanting to be involved with the other woman. You will never have peace. Your husband child is between your husband and the other woman. You don't have anything to do with it.


heybooboo
by on Aug. 18, 2016 at 1:14 PM
3 moms liked this

She didn't get what she wanted.  And now she's  still single and has a baby with a man who has chosen not to be with her.

She should be ashamed of herself, but most women who knowingly have an affair with a married man are usually self-centered and completely out of touch with reality.

faerie75
by Member on Aug. 18, 2016 at 1:18 PM
3 moms liked this

good luck, i got nothing, i couldnt work anything out if an affair resulting in a baby aka a lasting connection to my husband. he would have to have zero ties to her ever again for me to consider it.

faerie75
by Member on Aug. 18, 2016 at 1:19 PM

especially when they are married themself and act like a woman scorned when her hubby finds out and leaves her.

Quoting heybooboo:

She didn't get what she wanted.  And now she's  still single and has a baby with a man who has chosen not to be with her.

She should be ashamed of herself, but most women who knowingly have an affair with a married man are usually self-centered and completely out of touch with reality.


 
        
         

WaterorWine
by on Aug. 18, 2016 at 1:21 PM
Wow. This is complicated. First of all, did he cut it off with her? Obviously the child makes it impossible to cut off contact but I mean the relationship? If so, she probably isn't happy about it. Based on her behavior it seems like she knew he was married and thought he was going to leave you for her.

Truthfully, her feelings should be the last of your concerns. Are you sure you can handle this woman being a part of your lives forever? Are you sure you aren't just in shock right now? What is he doing to earn your trust back? will you harbor resentment towards him forever? If so, you should End it.

You both need to seek counseling and HE needs to figure out the custody situation for the child.
Canadiana
by on Aug. 18, 2016 at 1:25 PM
4 moms liked this
So you are working on your marriage....

Are you kidding me? Forget cheating, the dog couldn't even use a condom. He didn't even protect your health. You could have diseases. He doesn't give a fuck about you. You are clueless if you think he does. And he will continue doing this because he now knows he can fuck other women and have babies with them and you will stay and make his life easy.
kika.fleur
by Silver Member on Aug. 19, 2016 at 2:38 AM
1 mom liked this

I think that you should be preparing all the documents, especially the financial documents. Have them ready and handy. Also make sure that you have your own money in your own account, a credit card that is exclusively yours and not tied to his name or a joint account, etc. Just in case things go even more pear-shaped than it has now.

I would suggest working with a marriage therapist, and to take his refusal (if he refuses) as a sign that there will be more lying and cheating ahead. We're talking about a multiple-year affair here, not a one-night stand. You've both got a lot of work cut out for you in the present and future. 

So what prompted his confession? Are they still seeing each other? Forget being cordial with the other woman right now. Right now you ought to be angry. You ought to be asking yourself why you didn't notice anything or why you ignored signs if there were any. You ought to be contacting a lawyer to see what obligations your husband has as the father of this child, and how this affects you and your children.

143myboys9496
by Bronze Member on Aug. 19, 2016 at 6:13 AM

You don't say what...'motivated' him to come clean? I'm willing to bet it was the fact she got knocked up and he HAD to come clean. 

I have to say, you elevate yourself being nice to her..if it were me? AT BEST she'd get common courtesy and civility..THAT'S IT. She's mean to you because YOU have what SHE WANTS---YOUR HUSBAND. Quite frankly, if I were you..I'd start walking around with the 'YOU'RE less than ME' attitude....

Seriously-don't hold your breath she'll get civil anytime soon-or at all for that matter. Because, like I said-you have what she wants YOUR HUSBAND-and until she gets him-she will not ever be nice to you-and IF she ever does get him-I'm betting she'll rub it in your face-she's THAT LOW on the scale she is.

I also have to commend you for working on your marriage..I'll be married 25 years in 5 days and I honestly can't say I'd work on my marriage. A rather high, quite deep level of trust has been shattered and it's VERY, VERY hard and can take years, WITH COUNSELING, to get back. Which is what you should do to work on your marriage-counseling. You're going to want to check up on him because you can't trust him, and he wants to show you he can be trusted by NOT having you check up on him. It's a vicious circle that leads to divorce court.

Another VERY important question-personally-I'd ask is "did she know he was married?"

Because honestly, she didn't have the vow of monogamy with you-HE DID. That's if she didn't know. 

If she did know, then aside from her being an amoral person, she clearly doesn't value herself at all...

Oh and a few more questions-did he make her any promises? Did he tell her he'd leave you? Even if she got pregnant? Why didn't he bother to wear a condom? 

My mother used to say "Hope for the best, expect the worst." PREPARE yourself for the worst-which IMO- would be divorce. Get your ducks in a row like kika.fleur said.

I really, really, wish you all the best and hope things work out for you. You're in for A LOT of work, for...NOT a short period of time.

Fayanne
by Platinum Member on Aug. 19, 2016 at 8:50 AM
1 mom liked this

I have no clue, other than to assume she's mad because your dh has chosen you over her????????????????????? Does she still 'want' your dh??


You and dh should really be in counseling... drop contact with her personally.

your dh's contact should be limited to CS and visitation pick up/drop off only

Element5
by Bronze Member on Aug. 19, 2016 at 10:55 AM
I think maybe he promised her something and she did not get that.. Maybe to leave you?

what kind of threats? If it is something physical make sure you report this to the police!

She is upset because her child will not have a father living with her. But honestly you need no contact with her! If you are works things out with hubby then you need to show and tell him of these threats.. Make sure he is aware! Also I am sure you know that the child is not at fault.

Keep in mind that when trust is ruined it's hard to rebuild it. I personally could not do it. Especially with a child involved. So hats off to you! But do keep your eyes open. I personally will judge him ( without knowing) and say I wish you the very best but from my personal experience when once a cheat always a cheat.

So just watch your back Hun! Sorry if I am not more positive! But a year worth of cheating takes serious planning, hiding and conniving!
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