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Financial Advice

Posted by on Oct. 22, 2016 at 2:54 PM
  • 9 Replies

My husband and I are in trouble.  It's a second marriage for both of us. His son is mentally ill.  My husband suffers psoriatic arthritis and is one year in remission from non-hodkins lymphoma.  

Many things have been happening, that aren't good.  My husband blames the cymbalta he takes.  He says it makes him apathetic about doing anything. Last year, I did a ton of work to help his son, since his mother was out of the picture with anything involving him. He was placed in a special school.  I took care of communications and paperwork to get him a caseworker, therapy sessions, doctors appoitnments, off to school when DH wasn't able to get out of bed in the morning...on top of caring for my two kids, and his other son who is with us half the time.

We had a tough summer.  My step-son accused me of abuse, so  I told DH I can't be left alone with him anymore.  DH later told me he was concerned about the amounts of oxycodond he was using.  I went right into problem solving mode, and helped him come up with a weaning schedule and asked him to let me hold his pills so he wouldn't be tempted until he's able to get to the doctor.  He told me he went to the doctor and he could have the pills back, he'd just keep them at home and locked up.  I got suspicioius, and checked the lock box only to find he had replaced his pills with aspirin.  I told him he needed to stay with his parents for a while (this was August) Since then, we've been in marriage counseling, which has not been at all productive.  It's just us going back and forth bickering while the therpist recognizes "we're both hurting" and have had such a tough year.

We've also been incurring all sorts of credit card debt.  DH lost his job due to problems with Family Medical Leave Act not being documented properly, and we went 3 months without his income, and my ex was not paying the proper amount of child support.  We wound up about $60K in the hole.  So, I did debt consolidation, and paid off everything I could so we would be okay.  I found extraneous charges to fast food were really adding up, and DH denied that was the problem.  I told him "fine. Let's split our credit cards then. You pay for what you spend and I'll do the same."

Come to find out, he racked up one credit card to $7000, and the other is at $11000, but $10000 of it are mysterious charges to this company where you can pay your friends in bit coins, and it isn't tracable.  He says someone must have his credit card number, because those charges weren't his.  The same company charged $2000 on one of my credit cards, but it was a card that was also in his possession.

We're discussing separating. I've been trying to contact the therapist, with no luck.  I told him I'm very concerned about my financial safety. At one moment DH assures me he completely understands why I have trouble trusting him, and the next he's getting all hurt when his solution is not one I'm comfortable with: take out a home equity line of credit, and roll all of our debts into that, and he'll just take over payments, and I just need to worry about paying for me and my kids to live.  I got confused, because I told him, there's no way I can afford our 5 bedroom house, meant for 6 of us, myself.  It started to heat up, so he said he would go out for a while to cool off.

Any advice?

by on Oct. 22, 2016 at 2:54 PM
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Replies (1-9):
by on Oct. 22, 2016 at 2:59 PM
I'm sorry to say this but it sounds like your husband has a drug problem. If that isn't addressed, nothing else will get resolved.
by Member on Oct. 22, 2016 at 3:05 PM
I don't see this ending with you still being married to him. If it was me, I would take steps to ensure my financial freedom from him and to protect my kids. If you don't have separate accounts, time to do it and split the bills.
by Trica on Oct. 22, 2016 at 3:08 PM
I'm sorry you're going through this.
I have no advice right now. So much going on in your life, I can offer you words of kindness.
Even when it seems dark there is always light.
by Platinum Member on Oct. 22, 2016 at 3:42 PM

1)  he has an addictive personality. If he can't be trusted with pills, he can't be trusted with credit cards, and vice versa.

2) you need a better marriage counselor, sadly

3)  Do you know why his first marriage ended?  Some people with additive behaviors WILL NOT CHANGE until they hit rock bottom. Doesn't sound like your guy has hit the bottom yet.

Marital debt is shared debt. DO NOT let him take out the home equity line of credit or take over payments.

File for a separation. Get your debt separated.. He can move out while you sort out the details.

Good luck.

by Silver Member on Oct. 22, 2016 at 8:36 PM

What Fayanne said above.

The first thing I would do is file for separation and get the debt separated. Have him go back to his parenst and change the locks to your home. Do all of these asap. And by this I mean really asap before his debt becomes even bigger or he forges your signature on something. Your original husband wouldn't ever do something like that, but your current husband is an addict and they'd do anything to get their next fix and they'll lie about it. As you've come to realize it yourself.

Do not let him take out the home equity line. He says he'll do one thing, but actually he's already planning on doing something else. He'll not make the payments at all, and you'll lose your home in no time at all. You know that this is what he's going to do, and if you came here to get a confirmation then you have it.

I'm sorry your martial counsellor iss totally inept. Right now, you are needing your divorce attorney, not a marital counsellor. You might also want to join Al-Anon to talk to others who have a family member who are addicts.

Good luck.

by Brenda on Oct. 24, 2016 at 9:50 AM

Sorry you are going through this good luck and you have some good advice so far!

by Sarah on Oct. 24, 2016 at 12:21 PM

Get your debt separated.

by New Member on Oct. 24, 2016 at 1:58 PM

Thanks everyone.   So far I was able to discuss some issues with DH, although there are many and it will take quite a bit of time.

I told him that since he loves to play the "if it were me" game all the time, I was going to do the same: "If it were me, and you had concerns that I were an addict, I'd do everything in my power to prove to you it wasn't true.  I would be offended and defensive.  If it were me, and you had concerns about my spending, I would do everything in my power to prove and show you that what I'm telling you is the truth, and agree to any terms you wanted to amke sure you feel safe and comfortable with everything, because I'd understand that admist this haze of distrust, comes fear of financial loss, which makes things more difficult, not any easier."

He took an at-home drug test in my presense last night, and told me to feel free to mail it out for a more thorough exam.  He also told me whatever I need to do to separate our finances, including calling the lawyer is also fine with him.

I left a message with the lawyer this morning. And I'll be mailing out his sample either this afternoon or tomorrow.

by Marianne on Oct. 24, 2016 at 4:05 PM

I am so sorry for what you're going through. I think you're making the right move. Good luck ((HUGS))

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