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Lonely and Married

Posted by on Nov. 1, 2016 at 9:46 PM
  • 11 Replies

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Seeking Marital Advice for a Loveless Marriage
by ultragirl40
New Member
Wednesday at 10:57 PM
This is going to be long but I desperately need advice. I have been married for six years and I knew going into the marriage that my sex drive was greater than his but at that point we were having sex one to two times a week which I felt I could live with. Once we were married things definitely went downhill and now we are at six months with no sex. Not only that but we are not intimate in any other way either. We don't have any intimate or connecting conversations, we don't sit next to one another or cuddle there is no affection at all. I keep trying to stay for our son I always give myself the pep talk that I can do this but I am dying inside. I am at the point where I don't really like him anymore and because of this I don't want to be intimate with hm. I also feel unlovable like no one could ever love me and I feel like I may not be able to live someone else. There is also the fact that two years ago I unexpectedly became pregnant which he was not happy about so he told me he hoped the test was wrong and didn't talk to me for two days. I then miscarried a month and a half later which I went through by myself because he wouldn't leave work and even when he did get home he didn't hug me or kiss me or ever even talk about it. I then had to have a D and C because my body wasn't getting rid of the baby on its own and he left me to take care of the three kids the next day because he had to go out of town for work. I was bleeding so bad my parents had to come over and my mom took me to the hospital while my dad stayed with the kids. I have asked for four years now to go to counseling which he has always been against but just recently has agreed to go. Should I stay married or divorce?
by on Nov. 1, 2016 at 9:46 PM
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by Brenda on Nov. 1, 2016 at 10:08 PM
There are some things in life we go through that are extremely difficult to get over. Sexual relationship aside, your husband wasn't there for you in what should have been a family's darkest hour. I am sorry you had to go through all of this, but only you can answer when you've hit your limit. You sound as if you're creeping towards the edge! The damage has been done, and for some people, they can't come back from this.

Counseling may help, but only if he truly wants to work on it. Some people go to therapy and never take those ideas and homework out of the office.
by New Member on Nov. 1, 2016 at 10:18 PM
I don't have an answer and feel somewhat the same about my situation at times we get along okay but there's times where I actually just need support mentally . I have 5 children 2 which are his and he has 2 outside our marriage so 7 all together I recently had 2 chemical pregnancies and he shed no emotion about it . and sex drive forget mines is through the roof and I just have to manage until he's ready sadly. Our childre . Together are 19 months and 9 months girl and boy at times he isn't even busy but when I need to do something I have to find a babysitter hmm I'm sorry probably not making your situation any better just wanted to let you know your not alone 💞
by Melissa on Nov. 1, 2016 at 11:17 PM

I am sorry, but after the whole miscarriage thing and the blatant negelect he showed you, he would be gone. That shows you right there how little he cares for you. 

by Member on Nov. 2, 2016 at 12:39 AM

Oh Honey, I am so very sorry.  This sounds like such a hard thing to go through.  I wish I knew what to tell you.  He sounds like he only wants a tax deduction and baby sitter for the kids.  He is not there for you for anything other than providing a food and shelter.  You can't even call him a friend.  Everyone deserves to be loved.  Everyone deserves to have a spouse that loves them and is there for them.  You can try the counseling, if he won't go for it, I'd say go for the divorce.  As a woman that grew up with parents in an unhappy relationship, believe me when I say, it would be better for the kids if you left.  I wish you the best and from the deepest part of my heart, I ask that you pray about it. 

by Bronze Member on Nov. 2, 2016 at 5:42 AM

I'm so sorry you're going through this!! Counseling is only going to work if both of you are clear about what you want to get out of it and how hard are you willing to work at it. I'm a person that believes you should exhaust all resources before throwing in the towel, but those resources will only work if your intentions are clear. I also believe when a person shows you who they are, believe them. His behavior during the miscarriage is one I wouldn't be able to look past. I don't think I'd be able to get over that amount of neglect. If you feel you could or that counseling is worth a shot, then you should try to make it work. If not, ask yourself....Between now and your death, is this how you want to spend your time?

by on Nov. 2, 2016 at 5:53 AM

You ask should you stay married or divorce. That is a question only you can answer since it is your life.

by Platinum Member on Nov. 2, 2016 at 6:05 AM

how can you ask strangers if you should stay married or divorced if you haven't even given it your last best shot.


by Member on Nov. 2, 2016 at 8:57 AM
If you're starting to feel like you're not capable of being loved and from your post it sounds like your self esteem and your confidence is pretty low, you need to seek individual counseling. While no one on here can tell you what is best for you, while you're working with a therapist I believe you will figure out whether you should stay married or whether you need to divorce him. But in the meantime you need to work on you. Don't allow anyone to make you feel like you're not worthy of being loved because you are. We are all worthy of being loved.
by Sarah on Nov. 2, 2016 at 10:28 AM

It depends on what you want to do.  Do you want the marriage to work?  Does he?  Have a you had a frank discussion with him about it?

by Marianne on Nov. 2, 2016 at 4:02 PM

Well, I believe these issues can be worked through and a resolution can be made if both of you are 100% committed to the hard work that makes this possible. However, it sounds like you might not be into that. And you know what, that's ok. I never like to encourage divorce, but at the end of the day, if you're not 100% willing to work on it, it's only going to waste both of your time. That's not fair to either of you.

Just from what you've said in this post, it doesn't sound like you've brought this up to him at all. If he doesn't know he's making you feel this way, how could you possibly expect his behavior to change? It's entirely likely that he just has no idea how he's making you feel, but because you're not complaining, it looks to him like everything's A-OK. Talking about this with him, and maybe seeing a counselor if communication isn't your strong suit, could be the simple fix to turn this marriage into your happily ever after. Just know that nothing changes overnight.

Should you stay or should you go? Only you can answer that. But know that both options are a possibility for you, and can even result in happiness. You just have to decide which one is going to be more worth it to you.

Good luck ((HUGS))

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