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Tug-a-war

Posted by on Mar. 18, 2017 at 7:09 PM
  • 9 Replies
Ok, first a little history. I left my abusive husband in November 2015. In June 2016 I started talking to a guy that I had dated when I was,a teenager. We quickly realized that we still had feelings for each other and became an item. We were talking about moving in together, getting married and being a family. Then tragedy struck. His best friend died of heart failure in front of him. He felt guilty that he could not save his friend and sank into a very deep depression. In December we ended up breaking up because he was scared his depression would bring me down too. But we decided to still be friends.

Now to present day: He ended up with another girl. Says he loves her and is always posting on Facebook about how good she treats him. I thought he was happy with this girl and because I do still love him I told them both that I will not try to do anything to come between them. All I want is for him to be happy, even if that means not being with me. But, yesterday I was,at his sisters house and the new girl was there. He was at work, but I was still there visiting his sister when he came in. He had been working on someone's roof all day. He was tired and sore and kinda moody, but not to the point of being mean or hateful to anyone. As soon as he walked in the door the new girl started yelling at him to do things and when he said he was,tired she got louder and asked him what his f***ING problem was. Instead of yelling back at her he went back outside and went to sit in the backyard. She jumped up and yelled "Where is that dumb f*** going?" and followed him. I've found out that he is not allowed to have a phone. She says who he can and can not talk to. Tells him where he can and can not go. What he can and can not do. She has complete control over his every move. They babysat my kids today for me to work and when I got there she was gone. He was smiling and talking. But, as soon as she walked in he shut down. He went and sat in his corner on the couch and the smile was gone. I wish I knew how to confront him and tell him that I don't like how she treats him, but then I would be breaking the promise made to not try to come between them. I keep thinking that yesterday when he came in tired it would have been better if she had offered him a back rub, got him a cup of coffee or done anything to try to make his rough day a little better. What she was doing would only make it worse.
by on Mar. 18, 2017 at 7:09 PM
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Replies (1-9):
Fayanne
by Platinum Member on Mar. 19, 2017 at 11:01 AM

he's an adult.

skyenbaby
by Member on Mar. 19, 2017 at 11:09 AM
1 mom liked this
It's hard to watch someone you love be with someone else. You need to distance yourself from him. It's not healthy.
Sassym0m24
by Bronze Member on Mar. 19, 2017 at 5:46 PM
Even if he is being abused, he doesn't sound ready to let go of things.

If he isn't being abused there may be some big things you aren't aware of going on.

Either way, you aren't in the place to help presently.
Sissy_Girl
by Member on Mar. 19, 2017 at 10:34 PM
I think part of why it bothers me so much is because I have been through it myself. It went from my ex husband verbally abusing me to him verbally abusing my our kids. Then it became physical. This guy has an 8 year old daughter. If this girl will treat him bad then what's to stop her from doing the same to his little girl? I've already had someone tell me that the girl bragged about punching him in the throat. I know I can't say anything to him about it without it seeming like I am trying to split them up, but there has to be a way I can remind him that no one deserves to be treated like crap.

Quoting Sassym0m24: Even if he is being abused, he doesn't sound ready to let go of things.

If he isn't being abused there may be some big things you aren't aware of going on.

Either way, you aren't in the place to help presently.
luckyinlife
by on Mar. 19, 2017 at 11:57 PM
1 mom liked this
All you saw was a snippet of their relationship. You don't know what else is going on or if this is a regular thing. Frankly you need to myob. He is a grown up and the last thing either of you need is you sticking yourself in it. Perhaps its time for you to start dating someone else and distance yourself. I can't imagine how his girlfriend must feel having you hang around judging everything.
Sassym0m24
by Bronze Member on Mar. 20, 2017 at 1:38 PM
You should know better then anyone then that until someone has decided it's time to let it go, no amount of words from others will help.

+

If she is abusive, calling cops, when she comes home may lead to more abuse.

If you're close to someone in his family that he values the opinion of, bring up to them "you've met his SO? It shook me up the other day to hear her brag of punching him in the throat and calling him x".

Then leave it.
Don't push, don't prod.

Although I'd venture to stay statistically speaking she's likely to have been abused in the past and need therapy herself, possibly meds.



Quoting Sissy_Girl: I think part of why it bothers me so much is because I have been through it myself. It went from my ex husband verbally abusing me to him verbally abusing my our kids. Then it became physical. This guy has an 8 year old daughter. If this girl will treat him bad then what's to stop her from doing the same to his little girl? I've already had someone tell me that the girl bragged about punching him in the throat. I know I can't say anything to him about it without it seeming like I am trying to split them up, but there has to be a way I can remind him that no one deserves to be treated like crap.

Quoting Sassym0m24: Even if he is being abused, he doesn't sound ready to let go of things.

If he isn't being abused there may be some big things you aren't aware of going on.

Either way, you aren't in the place to help presently.
jlm1980
by on Mar. 20, 2017 at 10:15 PM

How hard your situation must be!  Caught between keeping your promise and showing him that you care about his happiness.  Reading your post, there is a book that comes to mind.  I don't know if he would be open to reading it.  It is called "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud.  It sounds like he may need to learn how to set some healthy boundaries in his life.  He wrote another book, "Changes that Heal" that is also a good book.  Hope this helps.

CampHarris
by Bronze Member on Mar. 21, 2017 at 5:32 PM

This.  You have no idea why she was acting that way, but I can't imagine I'd be all sunshine and rainbows if my BFs ex-girlfriend was hanging out all the time.  Not to mention, you guys just broke up in December, which means he's been with her exactly 2.5 months.  Why exactly are you still hanging around?  There's no tug-o-war here... he's with her.  I'd MMOB.

Quoting luckyinlife: All you saw was a snippet of their relationship. You don't know what else is going on or if this is a regular thing. Frankly you need to myob. He is a grown up and the last thing either of you need is you sticking yourself in it. Perhaps its time for you to start dating someone else and distance yourself. I can't imagine how his girlfriend must feel having you hang around judging everything.


white_wolf454
by Member on Mar. 24, 2017 at 5:24 AM

Hugs ! 

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