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Unsure

Posted by on Sep. 25, 2017 at 5:46 PM
  • 11 Replies
Hi, I've been married for 19yrs & have 2 kids in high school. I'm 46 now & I can't remember the last time hubby & I were intimate. I feel like there's no spark anymore. It makes me sad to think how I've let years pass on like this. He is a nice enough guy, not a cheater, hard worker etc. I feel like everyone would think me crazy for wanting a divorce or separation. I've tried talking to him before about this disconnect but nothing changes. He's verbally affectionate, says he loves me hugs me & all but something is missing. I feel alone. He doesn't make an effort to spend time with me or a genuine interest in things I enjoy. I feel unwanted & it hurts. Has anyone experienced anything similar or have any words of wisdom?
by on Sep. 25, 2017 at 5:46 PM
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anotherandree
by Silver Member on Sep. 25, 2017 at 6:07 PM
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That's how my parents were. My father was pretty okay living like he was because we were there. They were roommates and when I was in high school, they were complete roommates with no affection. My father wanted to try counseling to try and get the spark back and mom went but she had already given up.

At this point, if you think there's any hope of getting the affection back, I would suggest counseling. Either alone, together, or both. If not, then, yea, a separation might be best for you. If he's completely caught off guard, he might be super pissed, though, and things could get ugly.
MixedCooke
by Silver Member on Sep. 26, 2017 at 5:56 AM
1 mom liked this

Time to reconnect as a couple and not just parents.  Schedule in date nights, take a trip by yourselves, etc.

wolfgirlbec
by Member on Sep. 26, 2017 at 1:23 PM
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I,also,have been married to my dh for a number of years(21)& have a similar situation like yours,though also very different,as my dh is a disabled navy veteran,who has severe ptsd,tbi(*traumatic brain injury,1st 'acquired' in combat,then exacerbated further,after a near fatal car accident w/ him a pedestrian at the time hit by a speeding driver,which threw him 30 feet in the air),depression,anxiety d/o,as well as e/d,caused by the mental illnesses & trauma & the myriad of meds he has to be on just to have some semblance of a somewhat"normal"life...there is nothing I wouldn't do for this man & in all ways outside of our bedroom,we have an amazing relationship! But yes,like you & your dh,it feels like we are more roommates,than lovers w/ one another.We are very 'touchy-feely'though in other ways;holding hands,playing w/ the other's hair,or rubbing each other's back or neck,spontaneous kisses & hugs & saying I love you many times throughout the day. Little things like that.I won't lie & say I don't miss the sexual intimacy,but i'll take what I can get!
tlcboys3
by on Sep. 26, 2017 at 6:17 PM

I do think all marriages hit a dip in the road at some point as we age.  Married 23 years and there have been times where it felt like we never really connected.  Marriage takes work from both parties.  Since you notice the dry spell, perhaps plan some surprise dates with your husband and think of different ways to get that spark lit again.  Counseling with someone you both trust is also a great idea.  Prayers for you!  Marriage is worth fighting for.  ((Hugs))

jenekelly
by New Member on Sep. 26, 2017 at 10:14 PM
1 mom liked this
He might be going through some depression or similar issues. I know when my anxiety/ depression spikes, the last thing I want to do is be intimate. I wish I had some good advice, but I'm sending a hug and wishes for an answer.
lpn54
by Bronze Member on Sep. 27, 2017 at 1:07 AM
1 mom liked this
We are nt intimate
in the act sense but like it s been mentioned we 're touchy feely my husband's been disabled for years so me might not do actually sex but we touch and try to connect any way we can we 've been married over 30 yrs and we 're still connected we talk touch hold each other I love him just as much as I did all those yrs ago the closeness ,we 're still in love just take your time no pressures talk about what you are feeling if he knows yours hurting he'd there he 'll do what ever it takes and maybe there s more to it that you might need marriage counseling
healingsoul
by Member on Sep. 27, 2017 at 6:05 AM

While I have not personally experienced, I have been like your husband so hopefully I can help. Sometimes during the "children years" a couple can be so busy raising their children that they don't make time to each other and loose the intimate part of their relationship. Don't give up! It can return. I had to understand how important intimacy was to my husband even if I don't have a sexual drive (I take medication that negatively effects my desire). You husband may have a physical issue that is lowering his libido. He needs to get his testoterone level checked. You also as a couple need to make time for just the two of you to have mini-trips, even if it is one night away. Couples frequently have an increased desire on vacations. Maybe you both can take turns picking where to go. 

Remember that your husband is your mate. You made a vow to him to love him for life. He needs you, even though he is not physically showing you this. 

What activities full up his time when he is not working? 

kristin_ad
by Member on Sep. 27, 2017 at 10:52 AM
Going to be married for 17 years in November so I understand where you're coming from.
Have you heard of those marriage cruises?Or perhaps schedule a date night with just you and your husband?s there somebody you can talk to like church elders,a priest or a pastor?
Marriage counseling?Do you think your marriage is worth fighting for?Because if it is then you should do everything in your power to save it.Look at all the positives instead of the negatives which will only lead to resentment. Perhaps you need to adjust your way of thinking.For me it's very unrealistic to depend on one's spouse for happiness.Do you have hobbies to keep you busy?Maybe volunteer?And most importantly communicate.Don't lose hope!
Velvetfog
by Bronze Member on Sep. 27, 2017 at 4:52 PM
My husband and I are at nineteen years, too. We've had rough patches, maybe not gone through quite the same thing but at one point I struggled to communicate the connection I feel between him taking an interest and participating in things I enjoy and physical intimacy. He was just very resistant to the idea of that being part of what was wrong because (in his words) he's not that complicated.
Fayanne
by Platinum Member on Sep. 27, 2017 at 8:33 PM

you need to head to counseling. A good relationship counselor can help YOU make small changes that will lead to changes in his behavior

you have more in your control than you realize.

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