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Please help. Another loss of what to do

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Hey ladies, I just want to say thank you in advance for reading this as it might be kind of long.

I’ve been having several issues with my boyfriend who’s is 28 and I’m 26 (4 1/2 years together and we have a 3 1/2 year old daughter) that I really need advice on. I don’t have many friends to tell and the ones I do, aren’t the kind I can really air my dirty laundry to.

To start off, I recently found multiple dating profiles he made. As recent as 12/27/17. I was able to figure his password out and log on to see what he was up to. Messaging girls, “winking” and “flirting” with them etc.

When I called him out on these, he blantaly lied to my face - not knowing I saw with my own eyes. I said someone saw him on a dating site- not specifying exactly which one.

His next excuse was that he knew I would find out and wanted to “make me mad” because he thought it would be funny to mess with me because “I’m known to snoop”. I really don’t snoop and invade his privacy but I have this gut feelings something is off and almost every time I find something he shouldn’t be doing.

While I’m calling him out on this (I was trying to wait until he tried to meet up or something besides just online stuff - either way it’s wrong though!) but I couldn’t hold it in. When I call him to tell him he needs to stay elsewhere that night, he keeps lying and after we get off the phone, I check back to see he messaged a girl AFTER we got off the phone!!!!!

This time last year he was doing these things, I’m not sure the extent because it completely blindsided me. We were having problems back then and I should’ve seen the signs, but this time around everything has been great! I just felt something was off and decided to look.

When I try to talk about this, he blows me off or doesn’t respond or changes the subject. It sounds crazy but with a toddler and full time job I don’t have the time to argue if he’s not going to own up to it.

On top of all this, I think he has a porn problem. I don’t mind a little porn here and there. But I’m talking probably every day. He gets off work before me and will go home to “relax” before anything else. Even when he knows we will have an intimate evening, I’ve caught him in the bathroom right before he planned to lay with me.

We have an amazing sex life - it’s not boring by any means. My sex drive hasn’t been the usual due to low self confidence and feeling of not being wanted/loved. Plus I know he’s looking/probably talking to other girls and it disgusts me.

I get our daughter ready in the mornings, pick her up when I’m off work in time, give her a bath every night and do the whole bedtime routine myself. Even after “relaxing” for a few hours every day before I’m off work, he’s in bed before me and gets up after me.

I have to nag to get things done usually, he will sometimes do things on his own around the house. Which also contributes to me being too tired or irritated when I finally lay down for sleep.

My favorite thing in the world (he knows this!) is having my back tickled to fall asleep. I’ve literally begged him to tickle, rub, massage etc. my back in bed and he will either tell me “in a min” or flat out no. Now I just don’t ask.

I’ve said I’m done plenty of times before and now he doesn’t take me seriously. I know how I would feel as an outsider hearing this - but I feel trapped.

We just bought a house (literally days before the dating profiles came about) and I’m very close with his family. I don’t really have family of my own since my mom passed away right before we got together.

I’m trying to keep us together for our daughter. And now that we made this commitment with the house I’m just at a loss on what to do.

The part that drives me crazy are the things I’m sure I don’t know about!!!!! Who knows how many sites he’s on or who he’s met up with or whatever.

I start school next week and I’m not sure I can even focus in my evening classes knowing he’s home alone doing who knows what.

I know I’m not perfect but I put up with a lot of this disrespectful shit because he’s the father of my child and I love him so much it hurts. Plus it’s just easy to be together. I don’t really have anyone on my side saying LEAVE! And even though I know that’s what I would tell someone, I can’t bring myself to do it.

We do have a good times. He won’t open up to why he’s doing these things. Saying it’s not anything with me, blah blah.

I have told him if he wants to break up then so be it. I would probably be happier that way. But he’s the one that says no no no and begs for me to not leave. But then turns right around and does it again.

I guess my question is - is this relationship salvageable? Or even worth saving? Or am I just an easy ticket and what is expected of him?
by on Jan. 6, 2018 at 7:31 PM
Replies (21-30):
by Member on Feb. 21, 2018 at 2:52 PM
Glad to hear you are doing okay.The healing process doesn’t happen overnight.It will take time because trust is lost.And you two need to share in the responsibility of healing this relationship no matter how small your role was in fostering an unhappy union.Your bf seemed to be committed and he should because he is the guilty party.Hope you made rules or set up boundaries that way it will never happen again.

You are a survivor. And remember,time will heal all wounds!
by Member on Feb. 21, 2018 at 7:00 PM

Honey you are young.  Sounds like you are looking to better your life by going back to school.  Your daughter is young, but do you want her to grow up seeing this kind of treatment of a woman.  I say get out.  If you are stuck becuase you rely on him to pay the mortage, finish school on his dime and prepare a game play to get rid of his ass. Try and keep your feelings and emotions out of the equation and think what is best for you and your daughter long term.  Best of luck to you.

by on Feb. 21, 2018 at 8:27 PM
What wouldn't out be telling your 26 year old daughter if she was going through this? Think of it this way. Don't you believe you deserve better than this? Don't you believe you should be enough for this man that he doesn't have to go on dating sights? Do you believe that it is healthy for your daughter to see that mom is with dad because she "needs to be with him"? You should be with a person because you WANT to be not because you need to be. You're not a child any more and you have alot of difficult decisions to make right now. If you stay until you finish your education than so be it but don't have any more children with this person unless he changes. I wish you the best, I really do. Please take a long hard look at this situation and I hope you can see it's not healthy for you or your child.
by Member on Feb. 21, 2018 at 8:30 PM
Imbibe who often believes relationships, especially those involving children, are worth fighting for. Sadly, I don't think this one is. He doesn't value or respect you.

Do you have somewhere you and your dd can go? Will he leave if you ask him to?
by Bronze Member on Feb. 22, 2018 at 3:32 PM

Obviously he's doing things behind your back that you're not ok with. My first word of advice, let go of what you can't control. You can't control your boyfriend nor can you control his actions and interactions. Stand up for you and what you can control. Just as long as there's no money down on the house, do yourself a favor and back out. Start thinking more about what benifits you and your child. If that means doing it on your own, then go for it. I understand you love him a lot, but he obviously doesn't love you nearly as much. 

by Member on Feb. 22, 2018 at 3:44 PM

3 words...


by Member on Mar. 3, 2018 at 11:54 AM
You are too young...leave!
by Member on Mar. 7, 2018 at 6:52 PM

Jeez...this sounds like EXACTLY what was going on in my marriage. And yet I kept taking him back. Even when he had the proof shoved in his face, he still denied everything. Within 8 yrs he still was trying to have affairs behind my back and he STILL blamed it all on me. Finally divorced him and it's been 9 months later. I've never been happier. Sure my life isn't perfect and my kids struggled at first. But he's obviously never going to change. Cut the ties now girl. Or else you're going to be sitting there years from now asking the same questions and still being depressed. Don't do that to yourself. You deserve better.

by New Member on Mar. 22, 2018 at 12:29 AM
Thanks again for all the responses. Just wanted to give an update:

Our google accounts were synced and somehow while being bored and looking through it, I came across “google activity”

it was apparently set up to show when he used talk to text on his phone. Everything had been pretty good!

Until I saw the things he was texting while driving. It said “yeah why do you ask” then a few minutes later “it’s hard to find somebody that gets and understands me” and then after that “If I’m bothering you let me know”

Now it doesn’t take much to realize that’s a girl he’s talking to. I was so upset I called him out on the spot. First he denied it. I then played it back for him (apparently google records these things - creepy!) so he says it’s obviously him but he didn’t say it today and doesn’t know who it was to.

I haven’t let it go and have been pressing it all night. He hasn’t given in and just calls me crazy and making ideas up in my head. Totally just lying to my face!

I told him I was done and would be gone tomorrow - unless he would fess up and then maybe we could work something out (was really hoping he would just admit it!) but still hasn’t.

Although it’s not 100% proof it is enough to throw the towel in. I’ll have to find my own living space and everything I was so afraid to have to do.

Besides my daughter I’m really all alone. What a horrible and low place to be. Physically sick to my stomach!

I really just needed to write this stuff/read/say it out loud because I have no one. I hope this is the lowest of the low on how I’ll feel and it’ll get better.

Thanks for the advice and taking the time to read and respond
by on Mar. 22, 2018 at 2:39 PM
I wish I could just reach in and make this right. But truth is the only one that can help you and your child is yourself. It seems this man appears to find humor in his behavior and needs help. It also appears he may not be honest or reliable and is disrespectful. I don't think you can't give him what he needs. Do you think this is this what you want to raise your daughter in and teach her?
Please get help and support from a Womans's Shelter, counselor, and/or pastor. You are a precious child of God, who created you for a purpose. You are now the Mom of this precious young lady and have responsibility for her upbringing. I pray for you to find the help and encouragement you need. I pray for wisdom and courage. I pray for clear direction and hope. I pray that someday you will find the love and respect that you deserve. You are so right to do what is best for you and your daughter. Here is a hug and special prayer just for you.
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